Milestone Birthdays, Shocktober Fest and the number one thing men want in bed!

What I’ve been up.

Hey so another fortnight has flown by and what an eventful period it has been. I’ve had 2 weekends with friends reaching their 40^th birthday milestones so of cause lots of partying ensued.

Last weekend we managed to empty an Italian restaurant with our raucous discussion on men, sex positions and stories about losing our virginity. As the wine flowed so did the details! I haven’t laughed so much in ages.

This weekend involved hiring a whole floor of a hotel so we could all crawl back to our rooms after all the alcohol had been consumed. There was the usual crazy dancing  including various “dance offs” and dances involving chairs (led by the birthday girl) I’m pleased to report there were no major “incidents” from “Dangerous” though we had several blue plasters handy just in case. Then again I was probably too pissed to notice if anything had gone down!

Sunday I went to Tulleys Farm for their Halloween festival – Shocktober Fest, (with a slight hangover). I was a “Fright by Night” Virgin even though Tulleys is a ten minute drive from my house. It was an amazing experience that I’d totally recommend.

We did the Haunted Hayride where we were transported around the farm in a tractor and were chased by ghouls and crazed axe murderers, the Grim Reaper scared me half to death by jumping on board and coming over to me to whisper death in my ear, I probably deafened him with my shriek!!  I jumped out of my skin a fair few times finding my way around the “Creepy Cottage” especially when people would jump out of dark corners and I hadn’t seen them coming! I screamed all the way through “The field of screams!” I’m such a cliché!

The scariest experience was their new “Hell-ements” which involved putting a hessian bag over your head to completely disorientate you and having to find your way through the maze by following the rope! You then had to negotiate the change in temperature and floor surface as you made your way through.  I got stuck about half way round as I got my handbag caught on something, totally lost the rope and was rather panicked! Luckily for me a pair of big strong arms came to my rescue, managed to untangle my bag and turn me around to face the right way to enable me to continue – my hero! Lol!

So I ended the weekend safely in my house being flung over the shoulders of a rather hot man and being dragged up the stairs and thrown on my bed! I’ll leave the rest to your imagination! If only all weekends could end like this!  Big Sigh …………….

Moving swiftly onto……………….……………………..

What I’ve learned.

So what have I learnt this week? After reading an interesting article in this month’s Glamour Magazine, I’ve learnt that the number one thing men want in bed…………………drum roll please…………………… is oral sex ie a blowjob? (No sh1t really?) Apparently it’s become the norm for men to expect it. The main reason? It transpires that men since the age of 12 have been watching porn and that’s what porn is all about!

Some girl had written in about her experience, how on a third date while making out (playground style) she was asked by her date for one, she told him she classed that as “boyfriend” privileges and as they had just started dating she wasn’t comfortable with it? That was the last time she heard from that bloke! Unbelievable! She still stands by her statement (good for her) and has gone on to meet a nice man who I assume gets all boyfriend privileges.

I once got refused sex by a bloke I was seeing because he demanded that I go down on him and I refused, (I don’t like being told what to do) had he not demanded it, I would have done it! We ended up in a battle of wits to see who would back down first, it ended with neither of us getting what we wanted! (We ran out of time!) Turned out we were both as stubborn as each other and both the same star sign – Sagittarius, remind me never to date one of them again!

Anyway so I thought I’d do some research of my own so I asked around about people’s experiences with BJ’s.  I asked about good or bad experiences and where they had performed them and their attitude towards it.

I got several responses both from my male and female friends.

I was told there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob? (from a bloke) There are fantastic and mind blowing ones but pretty much a blowjob is a blowjob and that’s always good as far as a man is concerned!

Though I was told by a friend how her boyfriend had complained about his ex instead of swallowing had spat it out all over his belly, not quite the ending he had been hoping for!

I’ve known people who point blank refuse to do it yet have no problem with anal sex? I suppose you can’t have it both ways?! Lol!

I’ve spoken to some of my married friends including one who had been married for over ten years and never done it, turns out she didn’t realise you didn’t have to swallow? (You’d think her husband would have had the brains to point that little technicality out to her???!! amazing what you learn from people). I asked another friend whether she expected her husband to perform oral sex on her if she didn’t want to do the same back. She told me yes because he did that because he liked to! I have to admit the last few men I’ve dated have been really into it (and rather good at it!) but I’d feel quite guilty if I didn’t reciprocate.

I’ve obviously lived a sheltered life as the texts/emails came in with places people have done it! People have done it in the shower, (would mess up my hair!) or while driving (please bear in mind I’m pretty sure this is illegal – I’ve considered it but not tried it) in the woods (actually I’ve done it in a park – a very long time ago!). Underwater? (sounds dangerous and I can’t swim and how exactly do you hold your breath and suck at the same time?????!!!), at the cinema (I’ve thought about it but not had the balls to try it!) Besides knowing my luck someone will arrive late and decide to come (excuse the pun) sit next to me at a crucial moment! Lol.

I have however smothered it in chocolate body paint, that’s a bit messy but rather yummy but I’m not a huge chocolate fan even though it was Cadburys and they are the best! I felt a bit sick after with chocolate overload! Squirty fresh cream has pretty much the same effect! (Though please remember if it’s straight out of the fridge this may cause a few “technical” issues! lol).

I once had a man who didn’t like having his penis touched which had me completely perplexed?? Surely the technique requires some hand movement? Otherwise it’s a bit like bobbing for apples to negotiate it into your mouth? Made me wonder if he ever masturbated? (It’s ok this is as rude as it gets!)

Some of my friends say they won’t go near a penis until they know it’s been washed! – I think that’s a given – i.e. it should be clean! Is it wrong to not want to go down on someone after they’ve been inside you? Because it’s kind of like going down on yourself? Eeeek! (God we are heading down a very slippery slope here!)

Back to my friends and their experiences, I’ve had a friend encounter what she classed as a mushroom sized penis and spent the whole time thinking she could smell mushrooms – mind over matter!

I’ve also had a friend who encountered a problem she hadn’t anticipated as the man she was dating had a bit of a beer belly, as it turned out his penis was quite small too so she kept banging her forehead on his stomach! Let that be a warning to men – if you have a small penis make sure you have a six pack because women TALK! Hee hee.

I also knew someone who had always considered herself a connoisseur when it came to BJ’s and had her confidence knocked when her boyfriend fell asleep during it?!  She was beyond insulted!! May be he was tired? Terrible sex etiquette (though very funny but only because it didn’t happen to me!).

It’s amazing what you learn from people just by talking to them about it!  I must admit I did get to the point where I was like this is too much information even for me!.

However I’d like to thank everyone for their feedback and experiences, it’s much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.