The Etiquette of Breaking up

I was listening to my local radio station on the way into work last week and they were discussing the best ways to split up with someone based on some article. The first rule of breaking up was to start distancing yourself from your partner leading up to it, ie start seeing them less frequently and be less available so they kind of see it coming rather than carry on like nothing is wrong and then spring it on them.

Secondly they all agreed you should always do this in person – never, ever by text, email or phone (or post it note – sex & the city style!). I’m not 100% sure I agree with this statement, I think it depends on how long you have been dating.

I think if you’ve only met this person recently and you’ve only been on a couple of dates and are just not feeling it, an email or text is probably an acceptable method. Any more than that I think deserves a telephone call (as a bare minimum). Anything over 2 months I think should be done in person. I have a lot of respect for people who make the effort to do this face to face. It shows a level of maturity and respect for your partner. (I hope you’re reading this, you know who you are!).

Thirdly they said you must make it perfectly clear that you are dumping the person! I think what they means is that you should be firm that you have made a decision and are not just attention seeking, and that you genuinely do not want to date this person any more. One of the radio presenters was talking about how he dumped his girlfriend and 2 days later she called him like nothing had happened and asked him for a lift?! Lol! (He obviously wasn’t clear enough – or she was a psycho!)

The next stage is to give the person a reason why they are being dumped, the whole “its not you it’s me” line doesn’t work either!!  So what makes a good reason to split up with someone? Recently I was told “we don’t have enough in common?” Really? Do you really need lots in common to get along? Don’t opposites attract? Also didn’t you know this when you met me??! (In his defence he was probably right but it took me another try and a couple of months to work this out for myself!!)

Also how honest can you be? You’re thinking “you bore the sh1t out of me and I can’t bear another minute in your company??” but you say “I just don’t think this is going to work out, we want different things?” Then there’s the classic, “you deserve better than me?” Well that’s pretty obvious mate, what’s your point???.

A few of my favourites (one’s I’ve come across not used personally)

 “I’m not saying it’s you but I know its not me!”

“Life’s too short to make mistakes” (Amen to that!)

“You looked better when I was drunk?”.   

“You’re an investment with no return!” (ooooh LOVE that one!!).

 “I used to think size didn’t matter but in your case I have to make an exception!” (Bit cruel but sooo funny!)

Lastly one I can see myself using soon “I can’t meet your needs for the foreseeable future because working on my site and spending time with my friends is far more absorbing then conversing with you!.”  (Hee hee)

Moving swiftly on, so the last stage of dumping someone was to find a suitable place to do it.  Should you go to their place? invite them to yours? or meet in a public place? There are advantages and disadvantages to all 3 options. I think if you are doing the dumping and go to their place at least you can make a quick get away ie you can walk out, if however they are at your place it gets a bit more complex, as its bad enough you’re dumping them but then you have to ask them to leave?

A public place also has its downside (no chance of a quickie beforehand – I know I’m sorry but haven’t we all done this???!!) Do you know how the other person is likely to react?. If you think they might act violent towards you then perhaps this is a viable option, as may be they are less likely to do this with people around? Also are you prepared for a big scene in a public place if this is the way it goes down? I’m pretty sure if you’ve dated for a while you have a good idea on how the other person is going to take it and a decision can be made based on this. They didn’t cover the subject on whether you can stay friends with an ex, I have my opinions about that but that’s a whooooooole other blog!

So in conclusion, if you are going to dump someone, make sure it’s definitely what you want, decide a location, do it in person (preferably) be firm, give a reason if possible and hopefully walk away unscathed!

For the record I don’t think its classy making a scene regardless of how tempting it may be.  I think if someone doesn’t want to be with you then that’s their decision and you deserve better than to be with someone who isn’t 100% into you. (Hence why I’m still single! lol).

Thank you for reading.

What's the best method to meet someone?

I came across an interesting forum this week where a guy confessed to sleeping with 18 women over the last 2 years using the free dating site that I am on (I wasn’t one of them in case you were wondering). He achieved this by changing his user name and profile every 30 days and because he doesn’t have a photo on his profile he can stay pretty much anonymous (I don’t communicate with people without photos so this was probably my saving grace!) Also by changing his profile it looks like he is a new member and is therefore shown more predominantly on the site (a major flaw in the system I believe).

Anyway he went on to say if you’re looking for marriage you shouldn’t be on a free site?!! (Opinionated little twat) This got me to thinking whether he is to some extent right? I’m not saying I’m looking for marriage from a free dating site but a relationship would be a good start? I have been on this site for nearly 3 months now and even though I’ve been on a couple of dates, more than not I have met time wasters. The length of time I’ve been on is partly my fault because I can go for a week at a time and not bother to log in (its called having a life) May be if you dedicated an entire month to this you would yield better results?

Then again it only takes one good date to meet the right person? Also I consider myself as someone genuine on the site so I find it hard to believe there aren’t other people like me, you just have to get past all the liars, cheaters, commitment phobic and weirdo’s. At least when you do eventually meet a decent one you’ll be more grateful for meeting them then otherwise would be the case?

So here’s the dilemma, which is the best method to meet decent eligible bachelors/bachelorettes?? Traditionally the workplace is supposed to be a good place but I have a general rule not to get involved with work colleagues as I tend to like my jobs and don’t need the complication. (Besides the decent ones are all married!).

Same goes with my gym, it’s MY gym, I’ve been a member for years, I’m there all the time, I don’t want to have to change my routine just to avoid someone I got involved with.

They reckon the supermarket is a good place? I’m thinking more Waitrose (according to my work colleague they have the better cars!) than Asda? (Full of men who looking like they are from the living dead according to another friend!). Have to say talent in Tesco’s wasn’t bad tonight, shame I’d popped in straight from the gym with no make – up on! Still not 100% on which direction I’m meant to put my cucumber in my basket to announce I’m single?!

.

That brings me back to online? In which case I need to try a few different dating sites to see which ones fair better (watch this space)

I’m also considering speed dating? You can have anything from 12 – 25 dates in one night, all lasting 3 minutes and ending with the sound of a bell – I’ve tried this in the past and believe me 3 minutes can be a very long time! I think the key here is to have a few random questions ready before the date so you don’t end up sitting there for 2 minutes talking about the weather or their job!

My most memorable experience was when I was in my 20’s and I went to an “Asian” only speed dater event. (Should have known better really) I had over 25 dates in one night, by the end of the night I had pretty much forgotten what any of the men had looked like (even though I had taken notes!) I ended up on a proper date with some bloke who I had corresponded with and who had sent me a link to his website which had a picture of him – turns out wasn’t an up to date one!! Gasp! (You live and you learn)

He turned out to be shorter than me! (Please bear in mind when speed dating that the women remain seated so it is difficult to appreciate the height of the man! Lol).

Was officially one of the worse dates ever, we agreed to meet in London, the tubes weren’t working so a 20 minute tube journey ended up as a hour bus ride from hell, we were all crammed on the bus like sardines, it was not the best start to the date.

When I finally got there he was obnoxious, rude, arrogant, and opinionated (wasn’t like that during the 3 minute speed date) I kept looking round helplessly for the bell to ring so I could move on! The journey to see him was 2 hours, I stayed less than an hour. We were in some empty wine bar (so much for him knowing the area well!) believe me had there been a window in the toilets I would have quite happily risked tearing my skirt while scrambling out of it!! (Classy)

I ended up making my excuses to bring the date to a close, we walked out together so I could get a bus to Victoria and so desperate to get away I got on the first bus that came a long without caring where it was heading, called goodbye over my shoulder and jumped on board. He just stood there flabbergasted at the speed of my exit!

I promptly called my friend to tell her I never wanted to date again and I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life. I told her how I’d jumped on any bus just to get away from the bloke (much to the amusement of a really cute bloke sitting a few seats away from me), he was sweet and as he got ready to disembark at the next stop he came over and said if I wanted to get to Victoria there would be a bus from the stop across the road shortly?

Spontaneous Nosh wanted to believe him and get off the bus with him and have a chat, who knows where it could have ended? However Sensible Nosh knew it was getting late, I didn’t know where I was and I decided knowing my luck he was a serial killer so I politely declined and got off at London Bridge and got the train home. To this day I still wonder what could have been! (Mind you, after this week’s episode of Crime watch I’m thinking I probably made the right decision – it’s a scary, scary world out there).

Like I say I’m now in my 30’s, I’m older, I’m wiser and my selection process is better so I’m going to try a few different methods over the next couple of months to see where I get! I know a man’s for life and not just for Christmas but wouldn’t it be lovely to wake up with one Christmas day??? (Best put it on my wish list for Santa)

Wish me luck! (I may need it) Will keep you updated! Thanks for reading.

Engagement rings, firemen and mens t-shirts

I had mixed emotions last weekend after finding my engagement ring which I lost over 10 years ago.

Before moving into my house I turned my flat upside down to try to find my ring because I knew once I’d moved it would be lost forever, so can someone please explain to me how ten years later, its right there in a jewellery box (which incidentally I have looked in several times since I’ve moved) looking at me like why am I in here? Or more importantly why haven’t you replaced me yet??? Lol!

After a frantic search through old photos to confirm this was the same ring and that I wasn’t losing my mind, I did the only logical thing………………. I sat there with it on my finger looking at the diamonds twinkle in the light. I have to say it is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen and so it should be as I was the one who picked it, at the time it took me ages to find because it was meant to be for life.

I remember the day we went and bought it, as I got in the car with the ring firmly on my finger and a huge smile on my face I told my ex there was nothing he could ever do to take that moment away from me, turns out I was wrong, apparently I hadn’t taken into consideration him shagging someone else 2 months later – we had been together for 7 years.

So that was a lesson learned, if you’re happy, keep your mouth shut before you jinx things! Lol! Any way I think it deserves to be worn so I’m planning on selling it so it brings someone else happiness (and me a holiday!)

So my week started with me showing up to work in an engagement ring (so I could get it valued at lunchtime) and also to wind my work colleague up pretending I’d met a bloke on a first date Friday night and he had proposed Sunday! (Well you know it could happen?!!) after about an hour I was starting to feel a bit sick and I felt quite restricted by it? (made me wonder if I’m subconsciously a commitment phobic - may be thats why I attract the same in the men I meet?)

Tuesday morning our work fire alarm went off first thing  – twice! I reckon the second time round someone did it deliberately because there weren’t any fireman the first time round? (Who would do a thing like that?!)

We share a building with another company and I got a peculiar look from a bloke from upstairs because I started cheering (and clapping) as the firemen drew up. (I wasn’t the only one, though if I’m honest I probably started it)  That was nothing compared to the looks I got as I got my phone out and took a couple of pics, they were very obliging, I gave them the thumbs up to thank them and asked the lady standing next to me to close her mouth. Hee hee.

Wednesday lunch time I walked past a bloke wearing a Porsche t-shirt which made me giggle and got me to thinking why it is that men feel the need to wear shirts with fake symbols on? First of all he couldn’t possibly fit into a Porsche for purely logistically reasons (he was a rather large bloke, looked 10 months pregnant – ie all up front not all over) and secondly if he owned one he wouldn’t feel the need to wear the t-shirt? In true Carrie Bradshaw style I couldn’t help but wonder “could I date a man who wears a shirt like that?” and if so would I let him out of the house wearing it? or more importantly would I walk down the street with him?

Then I thought about other shirts men wear, superman (really popular on ebay!) Thundercats? (I’ll put money on the fact that it’s for men in their 30’s reliving their childhood). Spiderman (Saw a nice pink one – for men – don’t even get me started). Two of my favourites were “I speak 2 languages, utter shyte and complete bollox” (I bet a women designed that one) and “Eat, sleep, COD” (designed by a man, if a women had designed it would say “and obviously single” on the back!)

I also came across  a pic of one of my ex’s on fb wearing animal (from the muppet fame) boxers, believe me if there was ever a case for  prosecution under the trade descriptions act this was it (been there and I tell ya he was no animal! lol) Why oh why do you do it???

Moving swiftly on……….

Thursday got to catch up with my bestie who’s just got back from 2 weeks in Kenya teaching underprivileged children English & maths (I sooo want to do that), though from the photos it looked like she had a lot of fun checking out the animals, drinking, flirting and eating cake! (want to do that too!) I won’t judge, I’m just jealous!

On the dating side it has been a quiet week so far, have been too busy to go online, (making the blog live and joining twitter) I think the highlight was the email from a man telling me I was cute with  a picture of his incredibly toned black ass! The fact that his username was King Dong had me in hysterics. I haven’t responded – I wouldn’t know where to start? Is he expecting a pic of my boobs in return???

So all in all not a bad week, made the blog live Tuesday evening and it took my ex less than 24 hours to find it and read it! Lol! OMG – too funny! Have to give it to him he took my comments in his stride! (I wonder if the others would feel the same?). Here’s hoping we never find out!

Always a pleasure!
Thanks for reading :) xx 

A Rule of 5 or 6?

So what have I learned this week? I’ve learnt making 65,000 calls to an ex in a 12 month period is officially classed as stalking – no shit? Really?  Lets put this into perspective – that’s 178 calls a day, that’s 7 calls an hour (if she’s an insomniac) or 11 calls an hour (if she sleeps for 8 hours a night). Surely after the first few thousand you would get the message? I need to google her ex to see if he was worth it, will let you know what I find!.

I then went on to read an article from a bloke about internet dating, he complained that women have too much of a checklist and can not look past it to allow themselves to meet Mr Right and be happy. Up to this point I was giving him the benefit of the doubt – ok may be he’s right.

He then went on to say that we should go on a date with every man who asks us whether we feel we will be a good match or not (really?, because by my calculations this would mean I’d be on a date from hell pretty much every night until one day I disappeared and my body is found in several pieces a month later) Like seriously are you insane????

Wait there’s more pearls of wisdom here, he went on to say we should have a minimum of 6 dates with a man before reaching a decision on whether we should see him again – so let me get this straight, I am to agree to a date with someone I don’t fancy or not sure about and then see them a further 5 times before telling them they’re not my type? Isn’t that like leading them on? Like just a tiny bit?

The only valid bit of insight he gave me was that men and women view dating in different ways. After 2 – 3 dates a women will be starting to form an idea of a relationship with her man and taking him into consideration when making plans (be them for a few months down the line – ie he can come to my mates wedding, Christmas party etc). Whereas a man will have 5 – 6 dates and class this as dipping their toes into relationship waters. (These are the men who just as you think all is going well go cold on you and start to back off –  Steve being case in point – and I really liked him too!).

With this in mind I’m thinking of recalculating the number of dates I have with any given man before becoming intimate to coincide with this? Up until recently I had a minimum 4 date rule (minimum people – not on the 4^th date I will shag you!). Ultimately the rules are negotiable and it depends entirely on how comfortable you are together, or you’ve had a few glasses of wine and he’s fit and he’s there!

Ps- if a man accuses you of being a sex addict its because he can’t keep up with you and this is how he justifies it to himself – so be kind. (I asked John what his purpose was in life if it wasn’t to shag me?! At which point he replied “bloody 30 year olds” Lol!)

Today I spoke to a friend who agreed to a blind date with someone she had given her number to a couple of years ago, she couldn’t remember what he looked like but after a few weeks of texting decided to meet up with him. Now something that I have learnt through personal experience is that this type of encounter will undoubtedly end in disappointment (not always as there are always exceptions to the rule) but the whole time you are communicating, be it texts, emails or phone calls you are building up a mental image of this person (even with profile pictures you won’t know what they actually look like or if there will be any attraction until you meet them). The high expectations are bound to be a disappointment. (For example I know if gym man ever asked me out on a date he could never in a million years live up to the expectations I have built up about him over the last 3 years – would I therefore turn him down? Mmmmmmmn not sure!!)

I’ve just finished reading “Belle De Jours guide to men”. She has a rule of 3 – within 3 contacts (email/text/call) you need to secure the date or move on. (The internet dating scene never sleeps). I think this is a bit harsh and actually 3 emails isn’t going to be enough for me to establish whether you’re likely to be a serial killer or not. I think may be 5 or 6 contacts?

It is advisable that one of these is on the telephone as you can learn more about a person with ten minutes on a phone call then several weeks of ping pong emails. The exception being men who aren’t comfortable talking on the phone. Incidently I’ve dated all of these, the ones who hate phone calls (and you can hear the edginess in their voice because they want to put the phone down as quickly as possible – no they weren’t married), and the ones who hate texting  (too fumbly for my fingers!). None of this however stopped me from having a relationship with them. So 5 or 6 seems to be the running theme here.

Also I’ve changed my attitude towards dating in the last couple of weeks, I’m being more assertive, if you want to date me (and I believe I’m worth a date) you’re going to have to make an effort. To any man who thinks for one minute a women should have to travel for an hour and a half or two hours to meet up for a first date is delusional. Not gonna happen, I don’t care if you’re Brad Pitt, you meet me half way or not at all. (That’s 2 men I’ve discounted over the last month).

So I’m still single but pretty sure I’m better off, if they’re that selfish now its unlikely to improve with time! Back to the drawing board! Will keep you updated as always!

Thanks for reading J xx