My 15 minutes of fame Versus 30 minutes with Scott Maslen?

My birthday week is upon us (and in NoshWorld that’s a pretty big deal!) so I thought I’d better get you updated before it starts to get crazy.

So what have I learnt this week? I’ve learned that I am useless in front of a camera but enjoy being in the company of a celebrity!!

A dating site contacted me a couple of weeks ago advising me that a TV crew were in the process of making a documentary about relationships and gave me contact details asking if I wanted to contribute?

Now I’ve tried many different things this year stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to expand on my life experiences. These included taking up body combat classes (just done my 77^th class tonight – totally addictive), assisting in school talks (sitting in front of an assembly of children trying to act like a grown up!), going on a last minute holiday (less than 7 days notice – no time to diet or shop!), helping a friend with his book signings (dressed in a prisoner outfit and handing out flyers – don’t ask), attending a BB audition with a blow up man (he was very deflated he didn’t make it into the BB house!) and lastly starting this blog. All of which I have really enjoyed so I thought what’s the worst that can happen? Who’d have thought I wouldn’t be any good on TV? Most people thought I’d be brilliant! I love to talk!

So I fired off an email with an extract of the blog and was surprised to get a phone call the following day from one of the assistants. She asked some questions about my lifestyle and background and thought my story sounded interesting and invited me to attend a filming session.

Now I have to explain, I have never been filmed before (Well not by a camera crew or for public view! Private view is a whole other story!)

I was working under the impression that I would be prepped beforehand and be filmed talking to a person, I didn’t realise that I would have to talk into the camera the whole time, I had to talk to a machine??? Which is a really weird experience especially when the questions are being asked from one direction and I have to respond in another?

I was a blithering mess, I came across totally boring, bland, insincere and blatantly single for a reason. My mind went blank and I couldn’t think of a single good thing to say about myself or describe what I’m looking for in a partner! (May be that is why I’m single, I don’t know what I’m looking for??). You can ask me now, NOW I have a million answers! Dammit!

I came away feeling really disappointed in myself, I like to give 100% to every thing I do and I felt like I didn’t do that on this occasion. I can only but pray that I get cut or I will probably come across like a complete lunatic on national TV and then no one will want to date me  - gasp!. (My only excuse is that it was bad timing, I’m only a mess for 3 days of the month and this happened to fall on one of those days! I’m sure many women will sympathise).

Even retail therapy and going to see the Christmas lights in Carnaby Street didn’t cheer me up but that’s because the theme is mistletoe this year and can not possibly compete with the snowmen theme a few years ago! (I LOVED the snowmen, they were AWESOME!). I did however have a lovely meal with my nephew and appreciated all the support (texts, calls and emails) I got from my friends who all seem to believe in me so thank you for that.

In contrast to my week, my cousin was having one of the best weeks EVER, last Monday she got to meet Peter Andre as he did a publicity thing at her shop. She managed to wrangle her way into covering the checkouts even though she is floor staff??! (She’s hilarious)

She had to work for 5 hours on the checkout just to serve him! (That’s dedication for you)  The local papers were there snapping away with their cameras. I got to see a picture one of her colleagues took and it looked like it was worth the effort! Can’t wait to see that in the papers and on Facebook!

The following day she won a local competition - the prize? To meet Scott Maslen  (Jack Branning from Eastenders).  He was to turn on the Christmas lights in the County Mall in Crawley on the Thursday!.

The prize included a private meeting in the management suite with a champagne reception and buffet. a framed photograph of you with him, and signed autograph and a goody bag!

I had three missed calls on my mobile and a rather hysterical voicemail to call her ASAP as she could take a guest. I have a confession to make, I don’t watch Eastenders (gasp) in actual fact I don’t watch any soaps and haven’t done so for years. My first instinct was to politely decline the offer so she could take someone who might appreciate it more but after I’d spoken to her and realised how contagious her excitement was I couldn’t say no! Besides once I’d googled him and seen how “hot” he was, there was no stopping me!! Lol!

I have to say I had a fabulous evening, he really is gorgeous in real life – I’d go as far as saying even better than his pictures. In all the pictures I’d seen of him he looked quite serious which is a shame because this man has the sexiest laugh EVER! I like a man who’s entire expression changes when he laughs or smiles. It is a very attractive quality.

He also had impeccable manners and was incredibly polite (more brownie points – swoon, swoon), he made time for all 9 winners (and their guests), he signed lots of autographs, he even let my cousin call her children and spoke to them on the phone - not that they heard anything he said because all you could hear was the screaming at the other end of the phone! Lol! He was like “have we finished screaming yet?” to further screams “Erm ok not quite” He’s obviously used to the attention!  

I asked him to sign my autograph to “Nosh” he was like “you know what that means where I come from don’t you?” I responded “It’s short for Noshaba but yes I do know” at which point he laughed, I was like “yeah and feel free to add your number on the back!!” (He didn’t in case you were wondering but hey you don’t ask you don’t get!) Total respect to him.

I have to admit I had had a fair bit of champagne by that point and as my cousin doesn’t drink I only felt it fair to drink her share too. I am such a cheap date, a few glasses and I was well merry. I even tried out one of the “methods to meet someone” after the celebrations. My cousin needed to pop in to Asda on the way home so I went in with her and yes people I managed to pull in a supermarket! (Shame it wasn’t Waitrose but hey what’s a girl to do? Besides the bloke was rather fit!)

I think my method was pretty good? I was wearing a short skirt, fur boots and a jumper, walking around with my blackberry in my hand wondering around the alcohol aisle buying champagne! Must try that again soon!

So last week ended on a high, and I’m hoping this week should be even better!

I have a busy week lined up There’s the speed dating tomorrow, Ed Byrne on Thursday, my Birthday Dinner on Friday with some of my closest friends - Bridget Jones style – but I’m not cooking because that really would be Bridget style – blue soup etc though if I had a man like Darcy to help me, it would be worth the effort!! Anyway I’m digressing!

Then on the weekend for the time ever in the history of time I’m not going clubbing with the girls (gasp – yeah I know doing a lot of that lately) instead I am going away for my birthday weekend to a rather posh hotel with a spa where hopefully I will get spoiled rotten (here’s hoping!).

So will have plenty to update you with next week! Thanks for reading.

Oral sex - yep there's more!

No I haven’t gone crazy and written another blog already! (Sorry it is a work in progress though) In the meantime I have posted below a couple of responses which I received as a result of my last blog on oral sex. I was surprised to see that people liked to talk about it! They’re really are no taboos in this day and age and I am chuffed to be able to post their views in a guest blog below.  I have to say I learnt a thing of two that I can’t wait to try out for myself! Lol!

Enjoy! J xx

The Male perspective

So according to this survey blokes rate BJs as the best thing - the thing they most want.  I wasn’t very surprised at this, the main reason being that I also think they are awesome!  You see sex (even with the same person) can be naff, ok, great or mind blowing, but 99% of the time a BJ is always pretty damn good.  Maybe us fellas are just easy to please in that department (unlike some women I’ve known!), maybe its the sensation, maybe its the sense of someone focusing on giving you a good time, being your "sex servant" so to speak (I don’t mean in a degrading way) - I have known women who wanted me down on them till the sun came up, so I’m pretty sure that goes both ways. On that subject girls - yes a lot of us do like to go down on you, and no you don’t smell as much as you think, and after the juices are flowing not at all. And fellas - yes you do smell, she's just polite enough not to say, so make sure you are clean and fresh, but avoid a lot of soap just prior, its not tasty stuff (apparently!).

Technique-wise, really its a personal thing, so I cant comment on what other guys want.  Personally its pretty simple: no teeth and don’t blow! its not called a BJ coz you blow!

As for the range of possibilities created by BJs, you can have them just about anywhere – I’ve had them while driving (DONT come, you WILL crash!); in a swimming pool; in many various woodlands; at workplaces; in a hot shower (I nearly fainted after that one, all the arteries in my body expanded & I sprawled on top of her - mind blowing lol!); and once when away in a B&B on my birthday I was woken in the middle of the night by soft lips down below. There is no better way to wake up!

I feel I have to point out that I’m not the kind of guy to put the footie on, grab a beer and demand a BJ while I watch it (do these guys really exist?), and through it all I have never once had to ask for a BJ, but I happen to enjoy pleasuring my woman a great deal, so it was never a one-way street.

As for shooting your load, for Pete's sake talk to her - she might not want a mouthful of your salty slime, no matter how much an honour you may feel it is for her. She might prefer you splatter over her breasts etc. I spoke to a friend that thought that a BJ HAD to end  with coming in the mouth, and as a result she hated to give  them - why? sex of all kinds is up to the people involved, there are no rules. If you dont want it say so  nicely. And if he insists, kiss him passionately afterwards and dump the lot in his mouth with a grin!  Theres other ways to put him off, like ripping your bra off and telling him how you want it all over you... err but before I get over excited and start writing a porn story Ill quit cause you girls are far more imaginative at manipulating us simple fellas than I could ever be.

I think I'll avoid agreeing to write more for Nosh's blog... this is a little to close to the bone! (ugh... pun not intended)

The female perspective..

I reckon 65-80% of women don’t actually like giving blow jobs, I can break this down into three reasons.

Firstly is “The end result” Simple really? Yes we ask the bloke to warn us before he unloads or tell us to stop before it gets that far – moving to a new position/quest etc, but most men just aren’t focussed about what we want, only release! Once you have been with the same fella for a while and he realises that unless he does what you ask, he don’t get one, then usually everything works out great.

Secondly – Fellas don’t grab the back of our heads and force your dick out the same way. You don’t have to see if your tonsils can hit your helmet or see if she can really take all of you in her mouth. We are quite capable of getting you all in there (or most of you) all by ourselves, plus we don’t want to choke!

Lastly a blowjob doesn’t have to be after a game of football or a squash match. Wash first or let us wash you and then you can get your blowjob straight after, plus you get to enjoy the running water tickling and arousing you first, not to mention the soap massage. If you haven’t been sweating all day, then you obviously don’t have to wash first, this is assuming that you had a shower/bath that morning. Personally I wouldn’t let someone down on me unless I was clean and I expect the same in return.

Now on to the best bits, the percentage of women who do actually love giving blowjobs don’t care where it is. I’ve done it at home, at a cinema, a train station, several car parks including a police car park! He he! On a bus, beside a lake, whilst fishing – ok enough, wherever it is let her tease you first, small kisses all around your sensitive most sensitive places. Small licks just at your helmet on the underside (I happen to know this drives you men wild!).

Then when we do take you in our mouths, we’ll start off slow and yes we love to caress you at the same time so be patient – hold on!

We can always pause for you to catch a breath, then when we’re ready and you think you can’t handle any more we’ll take you in our mouth and get you to the point where you can tell us to stop and we can always jump on board and finish off!

Giving and receiving of oral sex should be pleasurable for both of you. The more the bloke groans and enjoys it, guess what – the wetter we get. We know that we are going to get you at your biggest and hardest. Woohoo!

Okay enough from me, I’m off to get lunch, I think I fancy a hot dog! J xx

Milestone Birthdays, Shocktober Fest and the number one thing men want in bed!

What I’ve been up.

Hey so another fortnight has flown by and what an eventful period it has been. I’ve had 2 weekends with friends reaching their 40^th birthday milestones so of cause lots of partying ensued.

Last weekend we managed to empty an Italian restaurant with our raucous discussion on men, sex positions and stories about losing our virginity. As the wine flowed so did the details! I haven’t laughed so much in ages.

This weekend involved hiring a whole floor of a hotel so we could all crawl back to our rooms after all the alcohol had been consumed. There was the usual crazy dancing  including various “dance offs” and dances involving chairs (led by the birthday girl) I’m pleased to report there were no major “incidents” from “Dangerous” though we had several blue plasters handy just in case. Then again I was probably too pissed to notice if anything had gone down!

Sunday I went to Tulleys Farm for their Halloween festival – Shocktober Fest, (with a slight hangover). I was a “Fright by Night” Virgin even though Tulleys is a ten minute drive from my house. It was an amazing experience that I’d totally recommend.

We did the Haunted Hayride where we were transported around the farm in a tractor and were chased by ghouls and crazed axe murderers, the Grim Reaper scared me half to death by jumping on board and coming over to me to whisper death in my ear, I probably deafened him with my shriek!!  I jumped out of my skin a fair few times finding my way around the “Creepy Cottage” especially when people would jump out of dark corners and I hadn’t seen them coming! I screamed all the way through “The field of screams!” I’m such a cliché!

The scariest experience was their new “Hell-ements” which involved putting a hessian bag over your head to completely disorientate you and having to find your way through the maze by following the rope! You then had to negotiate the change in temperature and floor surface as you made your way through.  I got stuck about half way round as I got my handbag caught on something, totally lost the rope and was rather panicked! Luckily for me a pair of big strong arms came to my rescue, managed to untangle my bag and turn me around to face the right way to enable me to continue – my hero! Lol!

So I ended the weekend safely in my house being flung over the shoulders of a rather hot man and being dragged up the stairs and thrown on my bed! I’ll leave the rest to your imagination! If only all weekends could end like this!  Big Sigh …………….

Moving swiftly onto……………….……………………..

What I’ve learned.

So what have I learnt this week? After reading an interesting article in this month’s Glamour Magazine, I’ve learnt that the number one thing men want in bed…………………drum roll please…………………… is oral sex ie a blowjob? (No sh1t really?) Apparently it’s become the norm for men to expect it. The main reason? It transpires that men since the age of 12 have been watching porn and that’s what porn is all about!

Some girl had written in about her experience, how on a third date while making out (playground style) she was asked by her date for one, she told him she classed that as “boyfriend” privileges and as they had just started dating she wasn’t comfortable with it? That was the last time she heard from that bloke! Unbelievable! She still stands by her statement (good for her) and has gone on to meet a nice man who I assume gets all boyfriend privileges.

I once got refused sex by a bloke I was seeing because he demanded that I go down on him and I refused, (I don’t like being told what to do) had he not demanded it, I would have done it! We ended up in a battle of wits to see who would back down first, it ended with neither of us getting what we wanted! (We ran out of time!) Turned out we were both as stubborn as each other and both the same star sign – Sagittarius, remind me never to date one of them again!

Anyway so I thought I’d do some research of my own so I asked around about people’s experiences with BJ’s.  I asked about good or bad experiences and where they had performed them and their attitude towards it.

I got several responses both from my male and female friends.

I was told there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob? (from a bloke) There are fantastic and mind blowing ones but pretty much a blowjob is a blowjob and that’s always good as far as a man is concerned!

Though I was told by a friend how her boyfriend had complained about his ex instead of swallowing had spat it out all over his belly, not quite the ending he had been hoping for!

I’ve known people who point blank refuse to do it yet have no problem with anal sex? I suppose you can’t have it both ways?! Lol!

I’ve spoken to some of my married friends including one who had been married for over ten years and never done it, turns out she didn’t realise you didn’t have to swallow? (You’d think her husband would have had the brains to point that little technicality out to her???!! amazing what you learn from people). I asked another friend whether she expected her husband to perform oral sex on her if she didn’t want to do the same back. She told me yes because he did that because he liked to! I have to admit the last few men I’ve dated have been really into it (and rather good at it!) but I’d feel quite guilty if I didn’t reciprocate.

I’ve obviously lived a sheltered life as the texts/emails came in with places people have done it! People have done it in the shower, (would mess up my hair!) or while driving (please bear in mind I’m pretty sure this is illegal – I’ve considered it but not tried it) in the woods (actually I’ve done it in a park – a very long time ago!). Underwater? (sounds dangerous and I can’t swim and how exactly do you hold your breath and suck at the same time?????!!!), at the cinema (I’ve thought about it but not had the balls to try it!) Besides knowing my luck someone will arrive late and decide to come (excuse the pun) sit next to me at a crucial moment! Lol.

I have however smothered it in chocolate body paint, that’s a bit messy but rather yummy but I’m not a huge chocolate fan even though it was Cadburys and they are the best! I felt a bit sick after with chocolate overload! Squirty fresh cream has pretty much the same effect! (Though please remember if it’s straight out of the fridge this may cause a few “technical” issues! lol).

I once had a man who didn’t like having his penis touched which had me completely perplexed?? Surely the technique requires some hand movement? Otherwise it’s a bit like bobbing for apples to negotiate it into your mouth? Made me wonder if he ever masturbated? (It’s ok this is as rude as it gets!)

Some of my friends say they won’t go near a penis until they know it’s been washed! – I think that’s a given – i.e. it should be clean! Is it wrong to not want to go down on someone after they’ve been inside you? Because it’s kind of like going down on yourself? Eeeek! (God we are heading down a very slippery slope here!)

Back to my friends and their experiences, I’ve had a friend encounter what she classed as a mushroom sized penis and spent the whole time thinking she could smell mushrooms – mind over matter!

I’ve also had a friend who encountered a problem she hadn’t anticipated as the man she was dating had a bit of a beer belly, as it turned out his penis was quite small too so she kept banging her forehead on his stomach! Let that be a warning to men – if you have a small penis make sure you have a six pack because women TALK! Hee hee.

I also knew someone who had always considered herself a connoisseur when it came to BJ’s and had her confidence knocked when her boyfriend fell asleep during it?!  She was beyond insulted!! May be he was tired? Terrible sex etiquette (though very funny but only because it didn’t happen to me!).

It’s amazing what you learn from people just by talking to them about it!  I must admit I did get to the point where I was like this is too much information even for me!.

However I’d like to thank everyone for their feedback and experiences, it’s much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.