Having a “Brazilian” taking a chance on a man and all I want for Christmas………

Things that have made me giggle this week? Watching a man get a well deserved parking ticket for leaving his car in the middle of the High Street blocking an entire lane – the reason?............ the emergency?........................wait for it………………He wanted a KFC!...........oh yeah you heard me right! He came running over to try to get out of the ticket and then went back in once he realised it was too late (leaving the car causing an obstruction!). Wow that was certainly an expensive KFC, hope it was worth it.  Is it wrong that I really wanted a big lorry to come round the corner and take the car out? I wonder how you would explain that to your insurance company?. “I was hungry man” and “The chicken’s finger lickin good!”  He was obviously too cheap to park in the car park round the corner and pay the 50p - Too funny.

So what have I learned this week? I’ve learnt the difference between a “Brazilian” and a “Hollywood” thanks to my beautician; (A Brazilian leaves a strip and a Hollywood does not) I can confirm both are painful even with her obvious distraction method of talking for England! Please bear in mind as she put it, you are peeling away a layer of skin – OUCH! (I can just see all the men reading this cringing and all women crossing their legs right about now! lol)  I have been assured the first time is the worst and subsequent visits are less painful, I’m not 100% sure I want to find out, I think I may have gone a step too far in the name of research! (I’ve always wanted to try it and it was an impulsive thing!). 

Now I don’t know about other women but I’ve never really paid too much attention to what “down there” looks like, I try to keep it as “tidy” as possible but I’ve never actually examined it with a mirror. So I decided before I go I’d take a quick picture on my camera for my personal reference. I took another one when I returned but wasn’t worried until I took one a little later!! Imagine a swelling that makes your underside at least 4 times its usual size and you’ll get the picture – I was too scared to pee for a while! – (sorry too much detail??).

It wasn’t as bad as you think, I had been warned about the swelling so I wasn’t too concerned, so I’m sitting there an hour later with an ice pack between my legs (not a good look) contemplating my actions and wondering how people in relationships do this? You would have to make sure your other half was working or out for the night. For those of you considering this don’t worry the swelling does go down overnight and you are back to your normal self with all parts working by the next day. (Thank god!). It is very smooth so I’m quite impressed though I’m not sure I like the look? Doesn’t quite look right?. Hey but you live and you learn.

Anyway moving swiftly on in case you didn’t realise it is CHRISTMAS week and for those of you who know me you know how much I love Christmas, I’m off to a Christmas Panto tomorrow – oh yes I am (See I’ve been practising!) I have my very own Santa’s grotto at home (Well kinda), I have 2 Christmas trees for the love of god (and I live alone – go figure!).

Anyway this year has got me to thinking about the fact that I’m single (OMG if I had a man at Christmas you’d be able to see my house from the aeroplanes landing at Gatwick I’d have soooooo many pretty lights on the outside!!) but I don’t, I don’t have that one special man in my life with whom I can wake up to on Christmas morning. This time last year I was seeing someone but we didn’t get to spend Christmas together (he was working up North) and I went to see my family. Christmas morning I was very excitable though because I had a huge pressie to open from him and I’m really such a child when it comes to surprises! 

That ended pretty much like the “Wham” song “Last Christmas” - and this year I did want to give my heart to someone special and there have been a few men I’ve considered (and several I have discounted).
It got me to thinking about men I’ve met this year and to thinking if could I date a man who – dare I say it – doesn’t like Christmas? Gasp? Well I did meet one of those and I wasn’t sure if he hated Christmas because he was single and didn’t have an excitable person to spend it with (like me, me, MEEEEEEEE!!!) or he really is the Grinch.  There was only one way to find out and I wasn’t sure he was worth the risk! Hee hee. Who wants to sit around on Christmas eve being all boring and depressed???.

Some times I do wonder about my motives for wanting a relationship, I think I’m more into the idea of it then the reality? (The reality can really suck but surely only because I’m with the wrong man?) Sometimes I wonder if I want to be in a relationship just so I can change the relationship status on Facebook? Is that wrong??? Am I soooo competitive that I just want to prove I can do it? It has been 4 years since my last long term relationship and believe me I could write an entire book on the issues that relationship had. I’m really scared I’ve been single too long to be able to accommodate a man into my life?  (I hope not). I know a man’s supposed to be for life and not just for Christmas but it would be nice to have one around to drive crazy on Christmas morning when I’m bouncing off the walls with excitement?.

So I thought I’d get a man’s opinion and interrogated my friend’s husband over our Christmas dinner on the weekend.  He’s really lovely, honest and opinionated (just how I like it!). He pointed out that my independence could be scary to potential men (I knew this) I also know that I find it hard to give myself 100% when in a relationship possibly to protect myself from getting too hurt (this doesn’t work by the way). I have recently been enviously watching my best friend throwing herself 110% into potential relationships and even though it hasn’t always worked at least she tried, like really tried. I want to do that (May be I’ll add that to the list of “Things to do in 2012”).

I’ve learnt so much this year, something that surprised me recently was that going away for the weekend with someone who doesn’t love you (or really wants to be with you) is not what I want, I thought it didn’t matter and I could switch off from the fact that this is a casual thing and at least I get to go away right? I was wrong.  (Or may be it was because he couldn’t wait to get back to work that made me feels so unwanted).

So when a “friend” offered to go away this New Years Eve for a romantic weekend I made a decision that it’s not what I want. Either date me or keep it casual – casual does not include NYE, I always associate New Years eve with setting a standard for the year ahead and this year I will be damned if I settle for anything less than what I deserve. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be treated with respect and in return I will make you feel like the luckiest man on the earth.

So all I want for Christmas? Love, understanding and world peace? May be a new Rabbit?  (I mean it’s a guaranteed orgasm, no complications, no mood swings and you don’t have to watch your weight?). 
Or may be that this time next year I have that special person in my life to complete my already near perfect life (with all my fabulous friends and family, who encourage and believe in me). If not then may be a book deal? Lol! Who knows, any thing is possible.

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas, I hope there is plenty of food, drink and partying and I thank you for reading. Much love to you all.

     Merry Christmas!

If you could be a fish, what kind of fish would you be? (and other random questions asked while speed dating).

Being the busy girl that I am and not always making enough time to go online to find potential dates. I decided to try speed dating last week. How else can you meet several singletons in one evening? The nearest location to my home town for the age group I wanted (32 - 44) was 35 miles away. I decided to drive down and spend the night at a friend’s house so I could catch up on the gossip with him and may be meet Mr Right all in one night?!

I have been speed dating before, the last time was a few years ago and I’d recommend taking a friend for moral support (and to compare notes with later) but you can go alone (either way always be safe, know how you are getting home – pretty much like any other date really).

I was on time - unlike my “bestie” who text me earlier in the evening to say she may be a little late as she hadn’t decided on what she was wearing yet – bearing in mind this was an hour before the speed dating was due to start and she lived at least a half hour drive away she’d need a miracle to be on time!

I arrived at the wine bar where it was being held, they had rented out the whole top floor specifically for the event. On arrival I was presented with a scorecard and a “speed dater” pen – woohoo - freebies!.  The scorecard has a space to put your date’s details – badge number, name, whether you wish to date them or not or would rather have them as a friend, also leaving a space to write any comments (not that there is much time to do this).

If I could personalise the comment section I would have sub headings -  snog/shag/date/avoid - as in could I? and is it worth it? (But that’s just an idea). I literally used that space for one word to describe each date.

Anyway so I’m sat at the table with my glass of wine (on the comfy chair because I’m not stupid) and await my first date, if I’m honest I don’t remember much about him apart from the fact he said he would be having a much better time had he drunk more beforehand??? Lol! (Doesn’t that usually just apply to sex not a date??) I hope it wasn’t me?! I think he meant he needed a drink to relax? (Who knows?). He did seem really nervous!

What followed was a further 13 dates in the space of just over an hour (we had a break in between). All lasting 3 minutes. The sound of the bell announced the end of one date and the start of the next, it was fast, it was furious and it was FUN! (As long as you’re not taking it too seriously in other words you might not meet your husband here? Then again anything is possible).

Many men were local (Guildford) some had travelled a distance (Basingstoke and Reading). Some were funny, some were serious, others were naturally charming or confident and some were not!.

Statistically speaking there were 2 Asian men, one Italian, one who looked like a serial killer (but I’m sure he wasn’t – god I hope he never comes across this blog or it may be bye, bye Nosh!) and the rest were Caucasian.

Two were blatantly younger than the 32 year age minimum, including the 27 year Asian bloke who had been single for 2 months and was “sick of dating immature women” and wanted someone older. Poor bloke I would have ate him alive (had I remotely fancied him…………….which I did not………………..not in a million years - sorry).

There was the bloke who a minute or so into the date pointed out the wall behind me as it had prisms on it which he found fascinating, I obviously was of no interest to him if he’s too busy looking at the background rather than me???? Like hello??? He was like, “no, no I just “notice” things!”  Obviously he doesn’t “notice” when a woman has lost interest! Lol!

The serial killer (who turned out to be a gardener) sat down and the first thing he said to me was “I love India” I was like “well that’s nice but my family are from Pakistan and I’ve never been to India? Lol! (I’m such a bitch!). I did then try to steer the conversation as I believe that was the extent of what he had prepared to say to me???!  I told him about the book I read over the summer “Shantaram” and how it made many references to India and said it sounded beautiful, he respond with “it is beautiful” – (I don’t think he reads books). Joy –I sat there with a fake smile on my face until the bell rang!

Moving swiftly on, the other Asian guy was ok (not my type though) but what I found fascinating was that the minute an Asian guys sits across from an Asian women he automatically starts to make references in an Asian language? He proceeded to tell me that all his brothers and sisters were married to “Gora’s” (non Asian people) so I’m assuming that means you don’t date Asians? That’s good to know considering I AM one???! (Rolling of eyes) Keep moving……….

There was the man who had a property out in Cyprus which sounded nice until he told me he was losing money on it and asked if I wanted to buy it??!  (I love Cyprus but I don’t have that kind of money – I’m sure he wasn’t being serious – how weird would that be??) Actually he was rather nice so I may contact him again, who knows watch this space!

There was the guy who said he like to keep fit too and went to the gym – really? You sure? You don’t LOOK like you go to the gym?! Like ever?! May be he’s one of those guys that goes down once a week and chats to his mates, then talks on his mobile in a loud and annoying voice telling the person on the phone “I’m at the gym” looks at the weights, looks at himself in the mirror and then goes home? (Clearly I have issues with some men – also I can’t stand people who chat on their mobiles when they are in the gym – its one of my pet hates!!)

Then there was the guy who liked to “Salsa”. The way he said it was like he thought this made him sound really “hip” and I should be really impressed? Don’t get me wrong I love to dance and salsa is something may be I’d like to try some time, just not with this bloke! Good for him though, hopefully he met someone lovely at the speed dating who he is twirling around the room as we speak.

There was the really skinny bloke – sorry I can’t, I just can’t, there’s just something very wrong with a man whose waist is thinner than mine! I’d be too scared to squash him or snap him and he would always have to be on top? I like my men with a bit more meat on them, nice arms, strong legs etc.

Then the opposite was the overweight man, same thing, I can’t, I just can’t, I’d be worried he’d squash me or snap me and I’d always have to be on top (Hold on a minute – every cloud has a silver lining!) He was lovely though so I wish him luck.

There was the Italian stockbroker – too short and too young and not what you would imagine when I say “Italian stockbroker”. (Which to me conjures up a picture of a rugged male in a designer suit). He was very sweet though, very smiley and caring and family orientated as he flies home to see his parents every month, which is lovely, shame he just wasn’t my type - sigh.

I met a few fun guys including one I found out absolutely nothing about because I spent the entire 3 minutes laughing (not at him but with him).  Then there was the the guy who worked for ITV who asked me the “Fish” question and had me giggling like a school girl. I replied “If I could be any fish I would be Salmon because I’m posh and an acquired taste” Then I fell about laughing for ages! This was ok because it was my last date so we had time and sat and talked for a while after the final bell had rung. The banter was fun and he had a wicked sense of humour, if only he had been my type and I’d fancied him! Dammit!

I have to say 3 minutes isn’t very long, I talk a lot and very few men can get a word in edgeways in 3 minutes so that’s the first challenge for any potential date. Lol. If he can make you laugh – awesome, if he is boring and believe me you would have to be REALLY boring when you’ve only got 3 minutes to achieve it, then you can take comfort from the fact it will be over shortly.

I’m always polite, I would never be rude to someone on a speed date, there is no need, if you’re not interested you just don’t “tick” them on your profile and therefore they can not contact you and  if you get on well then there’s always an opportunity after the event or after the night to get in touch

Overall I had a good night, there was a real mixture of characters, all shapes, sizes and personalities and everyone seemed genuine and interested in meeting someone. You can learn more about a person on a 3 minute speed date then you can by weeks worth of emails and text communications with someone you’ve met online. For starters you can see if there is any chemistry immediately and this in itself saves you a lot of time.

I didn’t meet my dream man but then I wasn’t actually expecting to. I would definitely recommend it as a night out though because you never know who you might meet!!  All it takes is one good date!

I caught up with my bestie after to find out how she got on (she had only been ten minutes late and was in her knockout dress – in case you were wondering). She agreed she’d had a good night too but the chemistry just wasn’t there.

So I retired back to my friend’s house where we shared a microwave curry (He is a single bloke after all!) and we discussed the evening’s events. I had tried to get him to come a long but it’s not really his thing which is a shame because he’s a lovely bloke – he had given me directions to the bar and ideas of where to park, and had something ready for me to eat when I got in.  He’s the type of guy that adjusts the showerhead to the height he thinks you will need it and leaves a towel out for you so you don’t have to hunt for one in the morning – you know the little things?!. I know what you’re thinking and if only life was that simple hey?

After much discussion on the perils of dating in your 30’s and the different methods available to us and which work best, we concluded that we have just been unlucky but you never know what’s around the corner………..

Thanks for reading.