Picture the scene, a muscle packed, well defined man with
arms to die for (damn my weakness for arms) towering over me, stark bollocks
naked, aggressively shouting “I’m the one with the cock, so you should listen
to me!” What initiated this outburst you
might wonder? Apart from the fact that he was a complete control freak? (the
type you would have to rugby tackle for the remote control) May be it’s the fact
I’m not good at listening when I’m being shouted at or that I’m not good at
being told what to do? No, it was his inability to get it up because I insisted
he wear a condom! Jeez!
I had an epiphany, like an out of body experience, looking
down on this truly ridiculous situation and wondering “how did it come to
this?”……………..
I suggest you put the kettle on and get comfortable while I
explain………..I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Miss me? Hee hee.
In case you were wondering how that little encounter ended,
I pretty much got dressed and got the hell out of there and ignored his
subsequent texts! Even as a casual encounter I needed a friend with benefits
not a friend with erectile dysfunction! (My rabbit doesn’t have this problem
and it doesn’t shout at me).
So let’s start at the beginning, late last year I met a guy from
London who seemed really social, happy and funny. Late thirties, my height and fit.
He collected classic cars, had his own place and was handy around the house too
as he had built his own loft extension. Sounds perfect right? Wow how wrong
first impressions can be!
Let’s put it this way never before have I had to apologise
to anyone for getting drunk and sleeping with them or ever had any regrets! (Not on a first date I hasten to add!) I woke up the next morning feeling
quite depressed – seriously not how you should be feeling at this stage. Probably because he now freely admitted that
the first few meetings had been a façade and that in reality he was not a happy
person. He was short tempered, was awaiting a disciplinary meeting at work for
which he was pretty sure he would be fired and moody at my lack of affection –
just because I asked him to stop stroking my hair! Lol. I’m sorry it doesn’t do
it for me????! That does not mean I’m not affectionate? What is it with men? They
find something that some woman at some point in their life liked and assume all
women are the same and the ones that are not are weird? (Who knows may be I am?!).
After he had left I used the fact that as he was going to be
travelling abroad for the entire month of January, and the lead up to Christmas
was going to be busy for me as an excuse that I didn’t see the point of
starting something. OMG he went mental! Screaming If that was how I felt I
should never had slept with him, you don’t sleep with someone unless you intend
to see it through to the long term???, like seriously? He had turned into……………………..
a girl?!
My bad I thought it took “two to tango?” Apparently not, it
was “all my fault”, I had had my fun (his words not mine). At this point I did get a bit annoyed with
him as I wasn’t “looking for fun” I was looking for the right guy………..and he
was simply not it.
For the record, I’ve not got drunk on any subsequent dates
or slept with anybody else! Lesson well and truly learned!
So after a 3 week break from dating followed by a horrific
Christmas with car trouble, issues at work and only getting to spend one day
with my loved ones. I made the decision it was time to make some changes, one
of which was to get back out there and find a new man. So Boxing Day I spruced
up my free online dating profile, added some pictures and went on what can only be described as a dating
marathon.
Talking purely statistically here, since setting up the
profile on Boxing day and April when I quit the site, there were in excess of
700 emails received, over 250 “meet me” requests – (despite stating on my
profile that I do not respond to “meet me” requests – men obviously don’t pay
any attention).
The email frenzy resulted in 17 dates with 13 different men,
4 cancelled dates (one by me!) and a semi broken heart!
People are always telling me “it’s a numbers game” and you
have to “put yourself out there”. Well I do believe I tested the theory to the
full? For the first 6 weeks of the year I was “out there”. Actually scratch
that – for 4 weeks I went on multiple dates, the last 2 weeks I wasted on date
number 11 thinking he was going to be different?.................I was wrong L
There was the Estate Agent (well he part owned an estate
agency), drove a rather nice convertible Audi. Lived local and was quite fit.
It transpired he had 2 children by 2 different women, neither of which were his
ex wife. (I do pick them). He thought it appropriate to answer a call from one
of his ex’s while on the date (asking me to keep quiet – like seriously???).
Then getting annoyed with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him on a first
date?. (Certainly a keeper!).
He proceeded to tell me that he couldn’t possibly date me as
I would “need to get in line” (as in be submissive) and I’d obviously never do
that?! Once we had established that this wasn’t going to go any further, we
relaxed and chatted and it turns out he had lied about his age, he was early
40’s not late 30 and had cheated on all of his ex partners and didn’t believe
in monogamy? Wow! Yes ladies these men do exist and they sound “normal” on
their online profile!
A couple of days later I met up with a guy who worked for
Sky, bit young (early Thirties), did a lot of kickboxing (I do have a thing for
martial arts!). Sweet but quite quiet –
and not just because he couldn’t get a word in edgeways! Lol. It turns out the
guy from Sky who had told me he wasn’t insured to install a wire over my roof
so I can watch and record programs at the same time was lying to me as he probably
couldn’t be bothered! Charming! Now we know. Sky will be getting a complaint!
We did arrange a second date but he cancelled and I didn’t pursue it.
Then there was the guy who had spent hours composing an initial
email to me, so long that the half of it was missing as he had gone over the
email limit! Lol. At first glance I thought maybe it was a copy and paste jobby
but as I read it I realised he had read my profile and analysed it and was
showing me how much we could have in common while maintaining a sense of
humour. I suppose I should have realised
that this man was making too much effort? The day of the date I was a bit
perplexed to realise that he had removed all his profile wording and pictures
before our date. I suppose that should have been an alarm bell but sticking to
my New Year’s resolution of making an effort, we met on New Year’s day.
I’m so embarrassing, I showed up at the pub and some guy
opens the door for me and I thanked him and walked straight through not
realising this was my date! Lol. In my defence as he had only one profile
picture and as he had taken it down before the date, it wasn’t really my fault
I didn’t recognise him!
He told me he had once quit a gym as the Jacuzzi was no
longer working and he wasn’t happy about it? I hope he was joking? I’m really
not sure! Lol. He then asked me if I was
a vegetarian as his ex was and he found this frustrating and said he hoped I
wasn’t one of “those people” who believe “their body is a temple”. For the record my body is not a temple, however
I do exercise and try to eat healthily, I’m not obsessive about it but I do
look after myself and I don’t see anything wrong with that?. I don’t care if the guy I meet isn’t into the
gym, as long as he doesn’t mind that I am.
We just weren’t compatible. I did feel really bad about it
though as he had made his mind up that we were perfect for each other before
even meeting me? He had come out of a 20 year relationship and really didn’t
know what he was doing. I didn’t sleep well that night. I hope I didn’t put him
off dating for good.
What followed was 2 weeks of dating 2 different guys (both
from the same town – not mine! Lol). Both very different with good and bad
points. The Environmentalist was the one I liked, mainly because our long term
goals were the same and he was just my type, my height, dark hair, blue eyes.
The only issue I had with him was his lack of social media communication skills
ie – texting – he hated it (Is this the case for all men in their mid 40’s or
just the ones I meet?). I was limited to 2 texts a day and if I so much as
dared to go over this quota, I would have to wait overnight for a response!
Very frustrating. He cancelled our third date at the last minute which really
annoyed me and as he wasn’t making enough effort I left that one be.
The other guy was a quantity surveyor but was just too nice,
I didn’t get his sense of humour (which
is really important to me). He was too willing to change everything about
himself to make us “fit” which eventually he would have resented me for. This reminded
me too much of my ex and I knew he would quickly get on my nerves and he
deserved better than me so I ended that one. (both on the same weekend! Jeez).
The following week I met a Martial Arts instructor. I have to admit I wasn’t instantly attracted to him but after 14 hours of
talking (3 where I fell asleep) I was pretty smitten. I suppose it was just
nice to meet someone I could connect with and talk to? It reminded me of how it
used to be with my long term ex, we could stay up all night just talking,
putting the world to rights. It made me realise that this is what I want, not
just a man but a best friend, someone I can be me with, someone I can’t wait to
find out all about. Someone I can’t wait to see.
A week later on the day of our next date he cancelled saying
his daughter was sick, sounded pretty genuine as he had been texting constantly
up to midnight the night before. Later that evening and the next evening he was
a bit distant and I found out that he had reworded and updated his online
profile and added more photos. Not the actions of a man who feels the same way
about me?. Have to admit it hurt more that he didn’t have the balls to just
tell me he had lost interest? There was no commitment here, I would have been
alright with that, surprisingly I wasn’t ok with being treated like this. I
cried for 3 days!
After a couple of weeks off I decided I wasn’t going to let
him put me off dating so I carried on in my crusade to find Mr Right.
Ok so this is where I get quite crude so please feel free to
skip the next paragraph………….
During this time I met a guy who wanted to know what dress
size I was, because if I was over a size 12 he wouldn’t fancy me so didn’t want
to waste his time on a date?. Erm I think
I would have been less offended if he had asked my weight? Besides I don’t know
what dress size I am, it is dependent on the shop?. I was so tempted to retort
by asking how big his dick was because if it was anything less than 10 inches I
wouldn’t fancy him and didn’t want to waste my
time on a date! Aargh.
There was the man obsessed with wax jobs, like seriously of
all the things we can talk about this is what you’re gonna focus on??! Advising
me that he believed a woman should be waxed “down there” at all times? So apart
from the expense of a Hollywood wax, can someone tell me what happens in the 2
weeks leading up to it, when you have to grow? Add to that the few days when
you’re on your period so what you get sex for a week in a month???! I don’t
think so!
The guy who told me he had a thick 9 inch penis – for the record if true (and no I didn’t
bother to find out) that really puts me off?! I wouldn’t know what to do with
it? I can’t get that in my mouth and I’m a lot of things but a bucket I am not!
Besides how immature are you that you think this is all you need to impress a
woman??!
Also why do so many single men in their 30’s have cats?
What’s that about? I have nothing against cats, I love the furry, fluffy kind
but not being funny I don’t want them in bed with me? Call me territorial but I
want to be the only pussy in the bed!
Moving swiftly on……..
There was the Asian guy who said I was boring because I went
to bed by 11ish every night and didn’t want to talk to him after this time, had
he had anything interesting to talk about I’m sure I would have stayed awake?!
There was the guy who gave me the impression that he liked
to watch people while they were unaware? The first time was when I arrived for
our first date at London Bridge, I was at the meeting point and couldn’t see
him so called his mobile and he had been there watching me with a hoody on so I
wouldn’t recognise him? I could be wrong, may be he wanted to make sure I
looked like my pictures and if not would have made a hasty exit?
The second time he did this was showing up for a date at
mine 45 minutes early, even though he had sat nav and had called an hour and a
half before to give me a time? Not sure if he was expecting to catch me out at
something? Which he did I was having a nap! Lol. He was not impressed and
wanted to know what I had been up to, to tire myself out enough to need a nap.
I wasn’t swinging from the chandeliers I had spent 5 hours cleaning the house.
Twat!
There were men who had issues with food, the man who
lectured me on eating Hash browns but had no issues with stuffing Cornish
pasties himself? Like seriously? The guy who got in a strop when I asked if I could
pop into a TK Maxx for 5 minutes to look at a bag but thought it ok to spend
half an hour himself in a phone shop?. Talk about double standards.
Thinking I could date a Vegan after dating my ex who was a
vegetarian was a big mistake, they can’t eat anything?! In my defence he didn’t
tell me this until after I had agreed the date? He was like I’m not a fussy
eater but I don’t eat meat, fish or diary?!” WTF???! I didn’t realise how many
products have milk as an ingredient. Half the vegetarian meals in the
supermarkets contain milk! I found myself obsessively scrutinising food labels,
its no life! For the foreseeable future I would prefer a meat eater I think!
A month later Mr 14 hour date was back, probably having
realised that may be he had been hasty and should have got to know me better
first time round? As my other dates hadn’t amounted to much, I finally agreed
to another date (I did make him wait 2 weeks while I dated other people!) In my
infinite wisdom I thought what’s the worst that can happen? Turned out he
wasn’t the one, after prioritising every other aspect of his life over me, I
realised that I had fallen into my usual trap of trying to date a man who just
didn’t have time to date.
You know the type who like the idea of being in a
relationship but not the reality? I should know I used to be this person.
Realistically if I look back at the last few boyfriends,
they have had many similarities, they were all into fitness, all self employed which
meant they worked long hours or 2 jobs, they all worked with children and they
all did not have time for me. I’m not
saying I need to see you every day but once a week wold be nice especially at
the beginning when we’re getting to know each other?.
I can’t keep making
the same mistakes over and over. There has got to come a time where you sit
back and realise where you are going wrong and try to steer your life down a
different path.
So for the last 6 weeks I took a break, I quit dating, I took down my
profile, I socialised with my friends and family, I spent a blissful week
sunbathing in Portugal where I ate my body weight in cake (that felt sooo
good!). I came back refreshed with a gorgeous tan, ready to take on the world.
This is where I am now. As we start the month of June on the
cusp of what will hopefully be a hot summer I’m at the biggest crossroads of my
life. Finally at the realisation that now, possibly for the first time in over
10 years, I’m ready to meet the right man and settle down, with the feeling of
unease at the possibility that I may have left it too long and that in the man
pool that exists there are no normal ones left. Which if true is such a shame
as I feel I have a lot to offer to the right person, I just need to find him…………..
Dammit I think the time may have come to join a proper reputable
dating site – one I have to pay for - gasp!
So wish me luck, I reckon I'm gonna need it! Thanks for reading! :) xx
