You know what they say when one door closes another one opens? So in the week that saw the end of my FWB is it possible I may have met the one? (Carrie Bradshaw eat your heart out!)

So my week started with a catch up with one of my mates in our local Ann Summers. Most friends meet over a latte in Costa Coffee for a chat but not us! We meet in the middle of the vibrator section! Lol! She was in the market for a new toy and wanted my advice. Over the years I seem to have become a bit of an expert in this field! (I am assuming because I used to work for them).

I was surprised to see that there are lots of new “Rabbits” on the market, all in flashy packaging and beautiful colours but don’t let that fool you, bear in mind they don’t stay in the packet and you can’t see them when they’re in you.  (I know too much detail but a valid point I think?).

So there we were testing out the toys on display, catching up on the gossip and trying to establish what it is that we want from the toy, so we get the “right” one as they all have different functions but all with the same goal in mind! It suddenly dawned on me that to an outsider looking in, we probably looked like a pair of lesbians!

I’m assuming that’s what the man standing in the same section thought anyway, he was probably eavesdropping (which wasn’t hard – I’m not the quiet type).

Did you know that they now sell Dildo’s in there? (This is a new thing). I have to admit, I’ve never understood the point of one of these, as I pointed out to my friend especially if you have a man and are looking for a toy to use while they are there? What is the point of having a fake dick while a real one looks on expectantly?!  Not being funny but surely the whole point is to have a toy to enhance your enjoyment or to do something your man can’t like the “Triple Whammy?” Believe me no matter how good he is in the bedroom he can not swivel, vibrate and thrust at the same time! Hee hee.

So with that in mind she purchased a “couples kit” for her and her man and a rabbit for herself. (Clever girl!).

Back to me, on the FWB front things took a turn for the worse, to be honest I was starting to get a bit weary with his attitude towards me. There were times he would talk to me like he was paying me for sex? Erm he was not, or that he was owed it? Again – not in a million!

I know I’m not his girlfriend but some respect wouldn’t go a miss?  It all started with my new Hollywood which left me.............how can I put this? “tender” for 24 hours, unfortunately this coincided with our not so secret “rendezvous”. In my defence I had also had one of the most stressful weeks at work and was pretty fed up, when I expressed that I was concerned that my waxing may prevent me from “performing” (or more to the point enjoying myself, its not all about you mate!) I wasn’t exactly expecting sympathy but a message to say he really wanted to see me would have been enough?

A text saying (and I quote) “Don’t over react, you got waxed not given birth” took……. my………. Breath……A.W.A.Y!

I had to put the mobile down and walk away for a minute and take some deep breaths to calm down so as to not jump in the car, drive to his house to give him a wax job of my own and see if he can w*nk the next day?! What a ****** (you can fill in the blanks, they all fit!).

After I’d recovered (the next day) I tried to apologise for cancelling on him but got a text to say he wasn’t interested so I asked him to delete my number and never call me again.

So I’m screwed………..or not as the case may be?! Every cloud has a silver lining though so at least I know which rabbit I’m gonna get!

Moving on….

On the not so pleasurable front I had to take a couple of trips to my osteopath (No I haven’t been swinging from the chandeliers!).  I’ve only ever met him once before.  On examining me, he explained that unlike most people who carry tension in their lower back, I for some strange reason carry tension in my arse – (Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase – pain in the arse!) Good to know I suppose?! .However he said this was not good for me and then proceeded to “de stress” it for half an hour?! Who knew such a thing was possible?. 

He then told me off for not stretching enough after my gym classes; I was advised if I did not listen I may need to be punished? Erm isn’t your £40.00 bill for massaging my arse punishment enough? It certainly is to my bank balance?! (I didn’t say that to him). We then got on to the subject of punishment and he proceeded to tell me how some of his clients compare the treatment of having your back clicked to the pleasure of light S&M – like seriously?  Who has these conversations???! (Me obviously and I really don’t know how I get myself into these situations!)  For the record he was not coming on to me, we were just having a conversation (even though I was semi naked having my bottom massaged at the time! – You couldn’t make this stuff up!!).

I was like I’m sorry but I don’t see the relevance between the two? I mean I get that there’s good pain and there’s bad pain but I would not class having my back manipulated and then cracked all the way up my spine good pain?! Though having my neck clicked is pretty close to orgasm as it releases a fresh flow of blood to your brain so the verdict is still out on that one!

Moving swiftly on

Elsewhere in NoshWorld working opposite KFC bought its own advantages this week, we had 2 fire engines pull up outside so they could get some, I have to admit there is nothing more distracting then those huge red fire engines!. (Nothing to do with the firemen obviously). The number of times I tried to prise my eyes away from the window and back to my computer screen to only suddenly realise I was strangely drawn back towards the window! That had to be the highlight of the week!

On the online dating front it’s been a very busy fortnight, I got an email from a man who was 49 (but looked pretty good for it) which started me thinking about age and what limits you should set? I like to date men my age but I have dated men both older and younger with various degrees of success. I have a friend who is my age and is dating a man who is 24 years older than her and I’ve never seen anybody so loved up and happy, they have been together for over five years and they are in the process of buying a house together so it proves it can work?. I decided not to pursue this any further as I am not comfortable with dating men too much older than me? I’m quite immature (I never want to grow up) and I’d probably do his head in!

I have also found that there are many men in my age range who are quite short – between 5ft 6 to 5ft 8. I’m only 5ft 5 so in theory this shouldn’t be an issue (easy to reach for a snog), but more than anything it seems to be an issue for them more than me? One of them told me that his last girlfriend had said she wanted a man she could look up to? Gasp! I told him she was obviously a b1tch so he really should let it go and get over it?!

I also got a really brief email from a guy that literally said that he liked the look of my mate in my picture and was she single? And if so was she on the site? And if so could I ask her to contact him?. Like HELLO??? I wouldn’t have minded had he had the courtesy to say hi first and ask me politely? How rude! (She found it hilarious though!).

I also had an Asian guy send me an email stating we just had to meet each other but in his profile it said he had never been with a woman? WTF am I gonna do with a 35 year old Virgin? Like seriously?............

Anyway I have been speaking to a few potential men dotted all over the South of the Country including The London Saleman, The Reading Architect, The Woking Mr Persistent and of cause The Portsmouth Guy!

Yes……….I finally went on a date with “Portsmouth guy”. My first impression of him as he walked into the pub was wow (very unusual for me), his pictures did him absolutely no justice. I then spent the next 3 hours trying really hard not to like him and even to put him off me (I told him about my go ahead biscuit addiction) but I have to say I failed on both counts!  On leaving the pub his impeccable taste was breath taking – in the shape of the most gorgeous Audi I have ever seen!  (He’s a keeper! Lol – I’m joking).

I even got flowers sent to my work on Valentines – after only one date! AWESOME!

So here starts the beginning of what I can only class as a logistical nightmare! It goes to prove that when you like someone, age, height or distance really doesn’t matter!!

So I will leave it there for now, we shall see how it goes and I’ll keep you updated!  

Thank you for reading!

January – All about the Drag – from dressing up as a man to going on a date with one – oh yeah – finally! Get In!

Ok so January is well and truly over and I get the feeling that every month this year will have a significant theme. So for January this was “All about the Drag” It all started with a “gender bender” fancy dress party, in other words we had to dress up as the opposite sex. (I was going to go as a drag queen – ie a woman, dressed as a man, dressed as a woman, but it got waaaaay too complex!) So Me & Bestie went as New York gangsters with our fake tashes, our pistols tucked into the back of our trousers and my Tommy gun & cigar handy. I was greeted by the birthday boy in his blue sequinned vintage dress and heels! Awesome! 

I have to say I had a really good laugh (nothing to do with the several bottles of cheapo champagne consumed). I was impressed at the level of effort people had made to dress up, there were plenty of fake eyelashes, eye shadow and lipstick (not usually things I associate with men) I was flabbergasted at how fabulous some of the men looked as women! Not being funny but some of them could give my legs a run for my money!  Jealous!! Lol! 

The guy dressed as Freddie Mercury in the “I want to break free” video was amazing!  He totally nailed that look. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more outrageous in walked Lady Gaga or “Lady Gay Gay” as we liked to refer to her/him (I don’t know it all got very confusing!) The fabulous outfit came complete with a home made paper Mache telephone headband! It had to be seen to be believed! I have no idea how these guys survived dancing in 4 inch heels but I was told that they had found a whole new respect for us women after a couple of hours in them! Lol! There were so many other fabulous outfits both male and female but I’d be here all day describing them!

Bestie was impressed at how comfortable the men’s clothes were so that’s another thing to add to my list on “how men have it easier than us women!” 

The following weekend I attended a panto in Leicester Square with one of my Julies to see “Snow white and the seven poofs”. Once seated we set eyes on the most gorgeous man that has ever walked the earth amongst the audience (obviously gay – how unfair is life???).  He was with his partner who was much older and not really in the same league? So I was working on the assumption he was rich or had some other sought after asset? Turned out I was right and he was a TV producer – Get in!. My next question was – were they in a relationship or was he “hired” for the evening? If the latter I wonder how much he charges?! 

The show itself was soooo good, incredibly politically incorrect but totally hilarious, lots of profanity including plenty from the audience! The finale had me in tears of laughter with Mrs Moore and her oversized syringe. We got to meet the cast afterwards for a drink at a gay bar which was a first for me! I would definitely recommend it! They are doing another show in the autumn called Drag Divas so I can’t wait to see that! 

Is it wrong that some men look so much better dressed as women? It’s a bit of a let down seeing them as men afterwards?! Lol! 

Moving on  - You know you always read that men who drive fast, expensive cars are compensating for inadequacies elsewhere (clears throat) turns out there could be some truth to this? I laughed my head off when one of my work colleagues told me about her friend who had started dating a bloke who drove a rather expensive sports car (I’m talking in the league of Ferrari’s & Porsches etc) and was really disappointed when they finally made it to the bedroom, its such a cliché but who knew it would come true? 

After further discussion with a group of friends it was concluded that when dating men its not the size of their feet you should be looking at its their.....................hands! Men with small hands or to be more precise short stubby fingers will undoubtedly have a small penis! (I bet every man reading this is now examining his hands! Lol). So you have been warned but then is size everything??? I know for some, the size of his wallet is more important? Not for me though! Lol.

It has been quite busy on the dating front  - Men who did not get a response from me this week included the obese man – step awaaaay from the KFC and let me introduce you to a salad! I’m sorry but I don’t mind a man with a “few extra pounds” but if you blatantly need to lose in excess of 60 lbs., I don’t care how much you earn or how great your personality is, I will not be dating you.

In my defence I have put in my profile that I go to the gym and that even though I don’t expect my man to do the same I do like a man who looks after himself, this probably includes getting on the scales once in a while?

There was the guy who’s opening line was “tell me one random thing about you” to which I sooo wanted to respond “I’m not interested?” How’s that??? Hee hee!

The guy who emailed to say “find me, find peace?” Why? Are you planning on killing me?  (If he wasn’t before, he might be now!)

The two Asian men – oooooooh dear where do I start?. Deep breath - To the two Asian men who sent me an email to say hello using words like “jee” and my personal favourite “Kidha” you sooo misinterpreted my profile! For the record if I’m ever going to date an Asian man – it has to be a well educated, well mannered and sophisticated man who wouldn’t dream of using words such as “jee or kidha” in an introductory email or ever really? (Its ok my Asian friends are wetting themselves reading this because they know me so well).

Anyway as I was saying it has been quite busy on the dating front in that not only communicating by email and text I actually made an effort and went on a date! This did however bring up a slight dilemma with my FWB, ie do I tell him or not? More importantly at what point do you have to tell him? From my point of view a relationship with the FWB is based on the fact that you are both single at the time and it is of convenience to you both. How many FWB’s you have at any given time is still up for debate. So when either of you meet someone else then the other person backs off until such time you both find yourselves single again or you lose interest in each other and go your separate ways.

What threw me was that he text me to let me know he had a date the following weekend and I hadn’t told him I had just been on one?! Lol! In my defence I’m not sure he can handle this as well as I can! So what did I do? I did what I always do - I spoke to a few people to gather opinion. 

The first person I spoke to (single female) believes that you can date more than one man at the beginning until you have decided or rather you have both decided to date “exclusively” up until that point anything goes, ie you can keep your FWB and or accept other dates should you wish to.

The second person (married female) generally agreed with this, so until you’re in a proper relationship, anything goes. On the other end of the spectrum my friend (female in a long term relationship) classed this as cheating, actually I’m not sure she’s entirely happy about the FWB thing as a whole but who knows! 

I remember chatting to one of my ex’s (way after we had finished dating) who had told me he had met a really lovely lady who had wanted him to wait a while before sleeping with him and he had totally respected her wishes, candidly adding that of cause he had had to sleep with other people while he waited! Lol!  MEN! Is it any surprise I’m so cynical???! At least he was honest with me (rolling of eyes). 

So anyway I went on a date last weekend with this really nice bloke, (average sized hands and didn’t drive a Lamborghini so it’s all good). We had exchanged a few emails and a lot of texts (he liked to text!) which didn’t bother me as it was nice to have the attention, I was really nervous about meeting up as experience has taught me that exchanging too much information before a meeting can be dangerous as the expectations are higher and there is more chance of disappointment.  With this in mind I try to meet up with people as quickly as possible.  

He was lovely, attentive, caring, well mannered and really sweet and could nearly talk as much as me - well ok when he could get a word in edgeways!! We had a lot in common, and ultimately wanted the same things in life.

So what was wrong with him? Not much, apart from the fact I wasn’t sure I fancied him! He said he liked to be the “funny one” which is hilarious because I’m quite “funny” myself and as we were both competitive and stubborn with it, I really wasn’t sure it would work!  He made some comment about how size doesn’t matter and I was assuming he was referring to his height (5ft 7) but you never really know do you??? Question is “is that a risk you’re willing to take?”.  Lol.

He was very sociable and fit – played football every week. I just wasn’t sure? To be honest I’m never sure on a first date, in fact I can’t think of a single first date that I’ve come back from and thought yeah he’s lovely – apart from Steve and look how wrong I got that! Or actually the first time I set eyes on my ex (the one I was with for 7 years) I knew the minute he walked into the room I wanted him (we weren’t even on a date but may be that kind of emotion only happens when you’re a teenager?) Anyway I’m older now and I’m usually not sure until the second date and this is the crucial one to whether I will see this person again or not. (For the record this doesn’t mean I go on a second date with everyone sometimes you know on the first one!).

We arranged to meet during the week. The night before which I got a text from the guy in Portsmouth that I’d cancelled a date with earlier in the month saying that he had being giving it some thought and really regretted that we didn’t meet up and may be we could try to get around the whole distance thing? (In other words – you saw my updated pictures and decided you should have made an effort?). I told him I was going on a date so couldn’t but agreed to let him know if it didn’t work out!

So I met up for my second date in a really nice curry house. However by the end of it I had pretty much made my mind up that I just wasn’t feeling it, there was no chemistry which is such a shame because life could have been so much easier just to go a long with it but that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.  We would have been great friends but that’s not what I’m looking for, I have plenty of them already.

I’m looking for the one man, that one instant connection which I’m not 100% sure is out there but I don’t want to settle for anything less? Is that wrong? I want the man I’m at total peace with, really comfortable in the company of - I want to lie in a field side by side listening to “chasing cars” by snow patrol playing full blast! Is that asking too much? Obviously!

Anyway I’m at present suffering terribly from “girl flu” so had to take a break from dating for a bit though I have agreed to meet the guy from Portsmouth next weekend. Knowing my luck I’ll really like him which will be a logistical nightmare!  I will keep you posted! Thanks for reading.