Breaking News - Go Ahead Biscuit addict is nearly hit by bus in final wave of clumsiness but heroically saved by a tall, athletic, dark hair, blue eyed stranger in a fireman’s outfit – I Wish!! Welcome to NoshWorld!

It has been a very busy start to the year and I’m trying to be super organised both at home and a work, with this and sooo much else on my mind I’ve been a complete klutz! Actually I’ve always been a bit clumsy, ask any man who’s dared to date me, from kicking/punching them in the head while changing positions (I’ve done this to more than one man), to spilling massage oil all over the walls of my bedroom (and having to stop to clean it up and thus killing the mood! lol) to recently head butting one mid shag! It was too funny – well for me anyway, I’m just glad he didn’t get a nosebleed because apparently he’s prone to them, especially if someone smacks him in the mouth!!. I hasten to add it was an accident and I don’t hate men - honest! Hee hee.

The last fortnight has proven that I shouldn’t really be let out alone and it’s probably a good idea that I am single. Not only did I manage to get a ring stuck on my finger in DP’s (and have to ask for assistance to get it off!). I followed this up a couple of days later by walking smack bang into a glass window in Argos! I’m not kidding – full blast straight into the glass. Was sooo embarrassing, at first I was a bit confused and disorientated like what is this and why aren’t I outside? Then I was like damn, how could I miss the door???! Lol. I didn’t dare turn around to see who saw me, not being funny but it’s a small shop and I’m sure they all saw me or at least heard me!! There’s some footage I do not want to see on you tube! So here’s another new years resolution to add to the list – slow down a bit to avoid further calamities - oh and get my eyes tested!. .

During the week I was pleased to see that the “Bed Man” is back! He’s a man who sells beds in the Market – Am I the only one who finds this strange?  I’m pretty sure he owns a bed store and this is just his way of drumming up more business? Well let’s just say I’m hoping this is the case and he’s not just some weirdo who enjoys watching people lie on beds?  Is it wrong that I’m sooo tempted to bounce about on the beds when he’s not looking?? 

My addiction to Go Ahead biscuits took on a whole new meaning too as discovering they were on offer at half price sent me on a buying frenzy! I managed to buy 6 months supply from multiple outlets in one evening (that’s 65 packets in case you were wondering). Luckily I didn’t bump into any fit men as it wouldn’t be the best first impression!

It has been a while since I’ve bought anything in bulk. Why is it the moment you do this you get all morbid? When I got home all I could think about was what happens if I get knocked down by a bus tomorrow? What will people think? Will I be known as the strange Go Ahead Biscuit addict??? My family would have to come clear out the house – now they wouldn’t be surprised by the biscuits or some of the outfits but there are a few things I’d prefer them not to see! Must make a pact with my bestie – to remove incriminating evidence should the inevitable happen!

What else have I learnt this week? I’ve learned not to pay any attention to delivery times, when the take out people say 45 minutes (and they are always late) the one time you think you have 45 minutes is the one time the bastards will be 20 minutes early and catch you misbehaving! It was ok I wasn’t the one who had to go answer the door with a hard on! Lol!.

In the same respect when British Gas says they will be with you between 8am and 1pm this basically means any time day or night or may be not even that day??? They eventually sent out a different engineer at 2pm because the first one decided not to show up.  This taught me another lesson – when an engineer comes to service the warm heating unit, he will need to come upstairs to check the vents in the bedrooms?

Therefore leaving my washed clothes drying on display including my knickers and random sex toys on the floor is probably not the best idea – ultra embarrassing!  I moved the clothes but didn’t dare touch the toy in case it brought his attention to it?? Jesus!

I remember the last time I had an engineer out to service the system and I’d forgotten that I’d left a 6 foot inflatable penis in the lounge! (Obviously in the days that I was an Ann Summers party organiser!) His name was Bob (the penis not the engineer) and he blended in well! I ended up giving the guy my business card to pass on to his wife in case she fancied a party!  I loved Bob he was awesome, I used to drive around with him strapped in the front seat of my car on my way to the parties (not sure this was entirely legal) It was great publicity and he was a big hit with the ladies (and small children who thought he was a big sausage! – I know, I know- that’s wrong on sooo many levels).

My Saturday job brought new challenges (I’m a viewing assistant for a leading estate agents) I couldn’t get into a block of flats because the security code wouldn’t work and my fingers were turning blue trying to make it work, the customers just stood there looking at me like well do something? What do you want me to do smash the bloody door down??? (Before you ask I did try buzzing the other flats, not one would answer!) I eventually gave up and told them I’m sorry but we would have to reschedule. They were not best pleased!

Then I managed to get stuck in the next house, I had shut the door behind me and couldn’t get it open much to the amusement of the person I was showing around. I did get slightly panicked when I realised this was a one bedroom house and this was the only exit out. I ended up having to climb out of the downstairs bay window which to my relief had windows large enough to jump from. So out I went in my short skirt and heels flashing my knickers to all and sundry – such a classy bird! I’ll remember to never shut that door again! So all in all I’ve had better days!

Moving swiftly on to dating news, I ended up cancelling both my dates on the weekend, the one on Sunday I cancelled because even though he sounded like a nice bloke I realised that the distance was going to become a problem. He lived in Portsmouth which is like a 2 hour drive away. It wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t have a Saturday job as I could go down on a Friday and come back on a Sunday. Unfortunately I do work Saturdays and after a whole day driving around, the last thing I’d want to do is drive 2 hours to be with my man. Also as he was self employed he worked really hard too and I’ve been there, done that and could really do with a bloke who has a bit more time on his hands (and regular hours). He was really sweet and understanding about it.

The other bloke annoyed me because he decided to go out and get drunk the night before our date and not return my call to confirm details and then had the nerve to ask me to come to his for a first date because he was hung over? I don’t think so mate, bearing in mind I’d had a pig of a day, the last thing I wanted to do was then get on a train to London and try to find his house. Also as I pointed out to him there was no way I was meeting someone for a first date at their house?! Like hello???.

I think you should start how you intend to go on and with this in mind I chose to stay in, eat a curry and watch “Take me out!”

I have to admit I am a “Take me out” virgin even though it is into its second season. Did anyone watch this programme? It was hilarious! The format is 30 single women with 3 or 4 eligible bachelors who the women discount mainly based on their looks, and first impressions. It’s all about the lights, if they like him they keep their light on, if not they turn them off.

I think they get to go on holiday for a week or something? Not being cynical or anything but I’d be tempted to keep my light on for a free holiday? Who cares who you go with? Lol!

The first bloke was the most stunning man I have ever seen, tanned, fit, gorgeous eyes and a smile to die for. He was a personal trainer with a six pack. As soon as he arrived the women were swooning and every light stayed on. I laughed my head off when in the second round 90% of the lights went off because it turned out he still lived at home with his mother! Goes to prove looks aren’t everything boys!

The second bloke was quite nice too but later got cut from the show as it transpired he used to work as an escort! Too funny! Not only that but he had been in a pub brawl last year and had assaulted a woman? Not so funny.

The bit that stunned me was that when they spoke to his date, she commented that had she known he had hit a woman she would never have slept with him??? Like helloooo? What is wrong with you??? – you just met him and you shagged him already??  Its not like you got to know him first, you picked him off a TV show? The incredible bit is she was more concerned that he was violent once when drunk than the fact that he was a male escort? Hope you used protection love? Mind you she was the woman who had said she wanted a bloke who earned more than 3 times her salary – turns out he charges £50.00 and hour so she got what she asked for! Wonder if he was worth every penny????

I suppose that’s something else to take into consideration when looking for potential dates, may be a criminal background check might be a good idea??

I’ll bear that in mind, anyway with last weeks dates cancelled I’m back in the saddle already and chatting to 3 rather nice men, one who’s off on holiday for a month next week so we will have to put him on the back burner but the other two are interesting so we shall see! Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading

New Year, New Profile, New Start.

Let me start by wishing you all a very Happy New Year! I have such hope and aspirations for 2012 I don’t know where to begin. As I sit here trying to recover from a huge hangover (Me n bestie hit the town hard last night!) I can’t help but smile to myself because I have a blessed life, made extra special by all the fantastic people I have in it who show me unconditional love and support.

You know who you are. You are the ones who take my calls regardless of the time of the day, who take time out of their busy lives to help me mop up the tears (and there were a few in 2011). You didn’t judge me as you watched me make the same mistakes and you supported me even though you hated my decisions - for that alone I will love you forever.

Overall 2011 was a fantastic year, I had a lot of fun, I tried many new things and I enjoyed the majority of them including writing this blog which has had over 1000 views since it became public in August/September!. Woohoo! I spent time with some of my favourite people and I hope to do much more of that this year. I made mistakes but I don’t regret anything I did as it made me the person I am today, and I’m proud of who I am.

2011 was all about the ex’s, I suppose I needed to revisit past relationships because I had regrets at how I had behaved in them the first time round, and I needed closure, I wanted to try to figure out where they went wrong, and why, and to give it 100% to see if it would have made a difference? What did I learn? I learnt that the issues weren’t mine, I learnt no matter how hard you try you can’t make someone love you, I learnt you can analyse it to death but the ending is the same so why waste the energy?

I have to say I had a lot of fun working this out, many high points, from jumping into a Jacuzzi bath on Valentines because I was so excited about the bubbles they were BIG bubbles!. I was also off my head as I had mixed my antibiotics (for a chest infection) with wine! Poor man didn’t know what hit him!.

I also got to watch a 40 year old male dance around my bedroom in a mankini singing “I’m too sexy” too funny – really wish I’d filmed that! or my ex showing up at my house in a fireman’s outfit – with a helmet with a built in siren playing full blast (god knows what my neighbours thought!!)  Though I had hoped for an outfit with less material?? I’m never satisfied!!.

Turns out my other “perfect” ex is so incredibly different to when I first dated him a year before that I’m a bit scared to date any one new (are all men totally fake when you first meet them???!). When we met he was lovely, we got on so well we could finish each others sentences, and we had worked in similar industries so we had a fair bit in common, we had the same sense of humour and had a few really good dates but he wasn’t sure so I walked away. The “real” Steve didn’t come into play until this year and believe me you wouldn’t want to date that. I’ve never met anyone so stroppy in my life,

I think his mother has a lot to answer for, when he was a child and didn’t get his own way and threw a strop or tantrum, she should have nipped it in the bud right there and then instead of leaving it 38 years for me to have to deal with!

His sense of humour seems to have changed too, it involves putting you down all the time and he thinks it’s funny because he’s “joking”. I’m a happy go lucky person but even I can get upset at the constant digs. I don’t believe for a minute he knows what he is doing; either that or I just give these men too much credit.

Anyway I was told (by him) that I would still be single this time next year, to the extent he wanted to put a wager on it. What did I do? Did I go cry into the corner – wailing “no one will ever love me?” Hell no, I updated my profile on 2 dating sites and started flirting like no ones business (Girl Power!) with a new sense of purpose – to prove him wrong! Hee hee.

In the space of a week I had over 100 emails, from 61 men (I counted just to get the stats right), the majority of whom were either too old (mid to late 40’s), too young (in their 20’s), too overweight (described as average???!), or too “just not my type”.

I only respond to men who interest me, otherwise I’m not only wasting my time but theirs too. I don’t respond to men who send me semi naked pics of them or have them on their profile, I don’t mind if the pic was taken at a beach on your hols that’s ok, but if you’re naked in your bedroom – so not happening! I don’t talk to men who can’t be bothered to complete their profile – how lazy can you be? Or worse still men who don’t fill in their profile and send me an email saying “Hi” that’s it just “Hi”. Original eh? So with this in mind 90 percent didn’t get a response!

I did talk to a couple of them and even arranged dates with 2 of them for this weekend just gone, the first one (who I had reservations about) decided to cancel 2 hours before the date for no reason and I’m not convinced he would have bothered to let me know had I not text and called to confirm before I left? What an arse, I told him too because my new years resolution is to stop taking crap from men.

I’ve had to postpone the date with the other one until next weekend and now I’ve ended up with 2 dates next weekend so gonna be a busy girl! I have my reservations about both of them but we shall see. I have a confession, I hate first dates, the thought of it makes me wanna run and hide under my duvet! I’m fine once I get there though – as I can talk for England!

I did get an email from another rubberist but I’m not sure if it was my ex messing about, I’m pretty sure it was but who knows?!

I also got a wink from username “Got a huge one” (don’t even go there!) I ignored it so he emailed me asking me if I was willing to sell him my used underwear. (Why does this not surprise me???!) He didn’t get a response either.

So today I’ve put up new pictures and reworded my profile to try to cut down on the number of people who email me who are inappropriate, it hasn’t worked as yet. In the last 4 hours I have received 40 emails, (I’ve not read them all), I just don’t have the time, but I’ve had a giggle, there’s the man who’s from Norwich who didn’t realise I lived 140 miles away and when I told him I was looking for someone closer to home said he could move? Lol!

The 26 year old incredible fit male looking for fun? Ooooh sooo tempting but I must behave, I haven’t got time to be side tracked by a young hottie, I’m looking for Mr Right, not Mr Right now!

I also got an email from a Ricky Gervais look a like – I’m not kidding – you couldn’t make this sh1t up, his job is to impersonate Ricky and does quite well out of it! Too funny, If only I could get a Bradley Cooper look alike? I’d be on to a winner! Hee hee.

I talked to guy who seemed genuine and after telling him what I was looking for responded with an email telling me if he was honest he was looking for a women who was at least 5ft 10 and wished me luck in the future???!!! What am I gonna grow? I have to say I was totally flabbergasted! I’ve never knowingly been rejected for my height? I could wear 4 inch heels mate but with that attitude you can f%ck off!

I also got an email from a nice looking bloke stating “he’s a submissive guy looking for a girl to play with him, exploit him and likes mild domination” Can someone for the love of god tell me where in my profile I come across that I’m into this – is it the picture of me in a leather cat suit brandishing a whip? (I’m kidding).  I have a confession I responded and asked him why, if he had read my profile which clearly states what I am looking for, he had contacted me? He came back to say he hadn’t read my profile but had seen my pics and found me sexy!.  Jesus! I give up!

Anyway I’m out there I’m trying and who knows what’s around the corner? I wish you all much luck, love and orgasmic sex for 2012.

Thank you for reading!