Wedding, funeral, dating, birthday and Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. Never a dull moment in NoshWorld!

There’s nothing worse than walking into the line of fire of someone else’s fart, like seriously its bad enough when they’re your own but someone else’s is enough to make you gag. This one in question came from the arse of a small child which makes you wonder what the hell is his mother feeding him?......

Greetings from NoshWorld. Sorry I know it’s taken me ages to write. So I'm gonna (briefly) fit in 3 months in one blog? I suggest you make a cuppa or pour a glass of wine and get comfortable!

Firstly let me start by thanking everyone who emailed and text me to offer to apply for the position of my next FWB! In all seriousness that was not the point of the last blog, but thanks anyway it did make me giggle!

So September saw the last BBQ of the year courtesy of my fabulous cousin. I showed up with my sprite zero and skimmed milk (I was taking my diet seriously) and then stuffed my face on kebabs and cake (obviously not that seriously!) There was logic in there somewhere!

September also saw the end of my love affair with Christian Grey (huge sigh) and what an affair it was! I miss him dearly! I have to be honest I had really hoped she would leave the ending open for future books but she kind of ruined that with the epilogue. (Why? oh why?, oh why??!!)  I wanted more!! (Story of my life - Dammit!)

Moving on I only managed to see a couple of movies in September, the new brad Pitt one “Killing me softly” which was so bad I wish somebody would! I actually walked out half way through because I couldn't bear to waste another minute of my life in there! I've been told it’s had mixed reviews and its like Marmite  you either love it or you hate it. I hate both!

I tell you what I did love however? I loved “Looper” – It was an awesome adrenaline fuelled roller-coaster ride which left you continuously trying to work out how it was going end. All I’m going to say is I’m surprised that little kid didn't give me nightmares! Lol! Bruce Willis – still got it baby! Still looking hot blowing away the bad guys with your massive sub-machine guns. I bet he loves still being able to do action movies. I’m also very excited that he’s doing another Die Hard movie which is coming out on Valentines day! Three guesses where I’m gonna be! Woohoo.

Lastly September saw me desperately trying to shift a few pounds by increasing my exercise regime. (mainly because I love food and can’t give it up) I spent 2 weeks thrashing it out at the gym – 15 classes to be precise – the result? I put on 2 pounds! Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!! I was not impressed.

October was a strange month, one weekend I’m celebrating one of my favourite school friend’s wedding held at the stunning Waldorf Hilton Hotel in London. Which involved a scrumptious feast of a variety of vegetarian curry on a “lazy Susan” – how awesome is that??? Copious amounts of alcohol were consumed and the evening was topped off by some serious Bollywood dancing! Where else could you do this but at the Hilton???! I wish I could have videoed some of it, the mixture of guests from all races on the dance floor following the choreography of a little old lady showing us how its done was fantastic and truly worthy of a you tube video! .

I went from the joy of a wedding to the sadness of a funeral the following weekend. I had to make the 4 hour journey “up North” to Manchester to attend my Aunt’s funeral. The last time we were all together for a funeral was when my Dad died and I clearly remember these cousins showing up at our house and setting up camp in the lounge where we all slept for a few nights following the funeral. It was a mini adventure (I was six).  These were the people who came down to look after us because we had lost both parents in the space of a couple of months, they apparently helped my sister’s make arrangements for our future.

With this in mind there was no question in my mind as to whether we were going to be at this funeral, so on few hours notice I set off (the night before the funeral) with my sister and her husband and planned to stay in a hotel mid way. I had to be sneaked into a hotel room because we were too cheap to pay for 2 rooms. (We can be so bloody Asian sometimes!) In fairness they were £65.00 each for what I would class as pretty basic facilities.

The original plan was for my sister and her hubby to check in together while I hide in the car, then my brother in law would come out to get something from the car and go back in with me? Bearing in mind there is a 12 year age gap between me and my sister, we are different builds and had different clothing on, the receptionist would have to be pissed to fall for it!

There was talk of climbing in from a window (the room was on the ground floor) but I’d had a glass of wine to steady my nerves by this stage and was rather tipsy so that plan was aborted, instead we had to wait for the receptionist to change shifts so I could go in through the entrance bold as brass like I was a paying guest! Cue my walking into the automatic door which didn’t automatically open – I do like to make an entrance, so much for keeping a low profile!

Once safely In the room I ended up sleeping on the floor – well I tried to sleep but even my earplugs couldn’t drown out a “certain someone’s” snoring! Lol. To make matters worse during the night I managed to twist my neck so badly that I couldn’t move it! Apparently sleeping on the floor isn’t good for you? Go figure, either that or I’m getting old!

So off we headed the following morning, (me facing forward at all times) and managed to get through the funeral. We spent a good few hours catching up with my cousins who despite losing their mother still managed to maintain their sense of humour. What else can you do in such a situation?. I have to say I was really pleased we had made the effort to say good bye to my aunt properly. It was a shame we couldn’t stay any longer but we all had to get back to work for the next day.

I was quite tearful on the journey home as it had been a long day with plenty of time for reflection and all I could think was at this rate by the time I get married most of my relatives will probably be dead! Lol!

So what followed in November was a month of dating, oh yeah baby. I talked to a few men and agreed to a date with a Scottish guy  (I’ve always been a sucker for accents!) He was just my type – dark hair, blue eyes, not too tall and quite fit, the irony that he lived around the corner wasn’t lost on me. (Even if I got snowed in we could walk to each others houses – awesome!!) Seriously after all this time looking for Mr Right – surely he couldn’t possibly live round the corner? If so how come our paths had never crossed? We both use the same small tescos for the odd pint of milk? We probably fill up our cars at the same petrol station? We were both at the Notting Hill carnival this year (with a few other thousand people – granted). He worked at Brannigans about the time I used to work at Ikon/Diva so we were in the same “scene” you could say?.  

Any way we had a few really good dates including a night of take out while watching “Take me out” – how cute is that???! For our third date we went to watch the new Bond Movie (at my suggestion) – I have a confession to make, I'm a Bond virgin – gasp. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at how good this movie was, Daniel Craig was gorgeous, there was plenty of action, fast cars, a few gadgets, awesome explosions, and some proper British humour which was something I wasn’t expecting. So now I've got to go through the back catalogue of them! I couldn't decide who was more hot, Daniel Craig or my date!

I was quite excited about the prospect of having him help me put up Christmas lights on the outside of my house and going Christmas shopping together to buy a reindeer (obviously not a real one!) which was something we had discussed. At last I’d met a man who was into Christmas as much as me! Woohoo..

My enthusiasm was short lived as unfortunately after a few dates his interest seemed to be waning and I felt he wasn't making enough effort and I decided I deserved better than that (sexy accent or no sexy accent) which was a real shame because I did really like him. Also to be honest I'm not sure we had much in common but then I don’t seem to have much in common with many men? I don’t watch soaps, I'm not into reality TV and I don’t eat fast food unless it’s a curry and I'm not sure that’s classed as fast?!

More importantly our schedules didn't match either, he was the kind of man that decides on the day whether he wants a date and I'm the kind of girl that has to plan what I'm doing at least a day in advance? I'm all up for spontaneity once in a while but I can’t live my whole life like that. I'm never gonna be the “beck and call” girl. In that scenario I may as well be your FWB not your girlfriend.

So unfortunately another one bites the dust but you can’t say I didn't make an effort this year? I just didn't meet the right one.

Besides there wasn't time for any more dating as the rest of November was spent celebrating my birthday which was spread out over 3 weekends, yes you heard me right, I'm getting too old to fit it all into one. One weekend was spent celebrating with my family, the second I had dinner out with my cousin, I had my friends round for cake and gossip which was really nice and I was so pleased that they all made such an effort for me. Later that evening I met up with an ex and went away to a hotel for the night – gasp. Well what’s a single gal to do?.

Last but not least the third weekend we had the big girlie night out clubbing in school uniform, my first time out in public in knee high socks! I have to say i was certainly lovely and warm even though it was freezing outside!

 Elsewhere in NoshWorld It’s been a gradual process but I've finally come back down in weight, though to be fair doing 6-7 classes a week was knackering me out. I swear this exercise malarkey isn't good for you, I seemed to be exercising my brain away! I kid you not, over the last few months I may have lost a few pounds but I reckon I've lost plenty of brain cells too. There were days I couldn't string a sentence together (let alone write the blog) – I was typing everything back to front  and I didn't even have pmt as an excuse!  I didn't have the energy to participate in lively discussions – gasp! (Well that’s one way to shut me up). However over the last few weeks, thanks to a schedule change at my gym, my coming down with man flu and a very busy social life, I seemed to have calmed down with the classes a bit and regained some brain functionality!

Though I am concerned as I can feel a whole new fitness addiction coming on – it’s called Fight Klub, it’s reached Crawley and it’s the next level in body combat because your punching and kicking a huge punch bag thing.

It was something I wanted to do in November at its Crawley launch but as it was a week before my birthday I decided it might be better to wait until after all the festivities because knowing my luck I'll go crazy and injure myself!

The hype surrounding the instructor (Chrissy Harper) has been spreading around my gym for the last couple of months, he’s supposed to be “hard core” and will definitely “put you through your paces” I was told.  He also teaches Body Combat and I was gutted to hear that our Saturday combat instructor was quitting and one of the classes she teaches at another gym is to be taken over by him. How unfair is that????!

So when my gym decided to increase its prices this week by 11% (I was not a happy bunny). I started to look around for a new gym and decided the best idea was to find out where this man is teaching. I bumped into one of the instructors at the doctors (where else) and she told me that as she’s taking over the Saturday class she has someone new coming in to try out her Tuesday class. Yep you've guessed it, it’s the Fight Klub legend!

So Tuesday night even though I was quite ill, (anti biotics in my hand) I went to combat because I could not miss this opportunity to see how good he really is. I was not disappointed!

I had been warned that he was quite pretty but I have to go on record to say he has got to be the most beautiful man I have ever seen in the flesh (either that or the drugs were working!). I have no words to describe this man other than hot! Gorgeous smile, fit body and teaches combat – what more do you need??? He did also live up to his reputation and it was a really good work out. (There was plenty of panting going on in the room and I'm not talking about me!!)

The view from the front row wasn't bad either though to be honest I couldn't look at him as it would put me off what I was doing!. Shame he’s not single though! Big sigh,

As luck would have it, there’s a possibility he may become a permanent feature at my gym so I predict a surge of class numbers come January and it’s nothing to do with peoples New Year’s resolutions! Lol! So it looks like I'll be staying at my gym for a little while longer! I'm just hoping he brings Fight Klub to our gym too as I won’t be able to afford to do that separately now and I’d really like to try it. Check out the link for the Fight Klub trailer on you tube -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRdc317Eask, How awesome does this look?!

So December arrived full throttle, .I went to the Winter Wonderland with my nephew and his friend and was very excitable by all the snow men. It was such a nice evening, walking around, looking at the lights, plenty of mulled wine and a really nice christmassy atmosphere.  It wasn't too busy as we got there quite late in the evening so it wasn't total chaos. What a perfect location for a date? May be I'll do that next year?

For the first time ever my company had a proper Christmas doooo. So last weekend we headed off to Wotton House in Dorking which I have to say was a stunning location. It is set in 20 acres of land, 13 acres of which is listed gardens so you can imagine how beautiful that is. Unfortunately due to the typical British weather (it was pissing it down) and the fact I had a cold I didn't get to explore the grounds the following morning like we had planned to.

I have to say though that I totally fell in love with the place, it’s such a beautiful location and perfect to get married in, now I've just got to find a man!

May be I'll add that to my Santa’s wish list? Please Santa bring me a man that I can walk down this aisle with, surrounded by my friends and family and live happily ever after? Is that too much to ask?  More than likely!

I know someone who'll be having a very Merry Christmas this year and that’s EL James! I was delighted to see that she has brought out a 50 shades “toy” kit available for delivery in time for Christmas! She’s our very own Mrs Claus delivering pleasure (or pain) to one and all! Not really my kind of thing though I'm up for a new rabbit? I am FWBless remember and I have been a very good girl this year – may be I'll add that to my Santa’s wish list too?. You know if you can’t find me a real man this has got to be the best alternative?.

Anyway Christmas Eve has arrived, I've finally finished work, my Christmas cookies went down well at work – no one lost a tooth and as far as I know everyone is still alive, so may be my baking isn’t too bad? All the gifts are wrapped, just got to pack my suitcase and head off to the countryside to spend Christmas with my lovely family with their special blend of humour.

I'm planning on driving down late to avoid the traffic so I'll be in my pj’s and Christmas hat, lets just hope I don’t get pulled over by the police for a random check!

So I'll take this opportunity to wish you all a fabulous Christmas, I hope you get everything you've asked for whether you have been naughty or nice. Thank you to all my friends and family for the support you have shown me this year. Much love to you all.  xx

August – A month of movies, 50 Shades, Secret Diary of a London Call Girl, the Notting Hill Carnival and sacking the FWB. Just another month in NoshWorld!

August was the first full month where I joined the rest of civilisation, working a five day week and having the weekends all to myself. I filled these with seeing as many of my friends and family as possible.

I joined Cineworld and watched several new releases including Magic Mike – OMG Channing Tatum – what a hotty, why haven’t I noticed him before??! Bumping n grinding on stage to a very hot RnB track (‘96 classic - Genuwine’s “Pony”) while stripping off his clothes to reveal a rippling muscled torso – makes me blush just thinking about it! There’s just something very sexy about a man who can dance like that (the stripping is just a bonus!) Low on storyline but high on thrills, would thoroughly recommend this to all the ladies (and the men into that sort of thing!).

I also watched Ted (very politically incorrect but very, very funny besides I’m a girl and I love teddies!), The Keith Lemon story (wrong on soooo many levels). I wasted 2 hours of my life watching the new Bourne movie - don’t bother – it’s the worst Bourne movie ever, (this coming from a huge fan) besides what’s the point of a Bourne movie without Jason Bourne aka Matt Damon???!. I’m pleading with the Directors to stop now before you ruin one of the best trilogies of all time.

Lastly for the first time in ten years I watched the latest Bollywood movie (Ek tha Tiger starring Salman Khan) I was surprisingly impressed with how far they have come, it was very Mr & Mrs Smith style, plenty of action and drama with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure and they didn’t burst into song every five minutes either. (They saved that for the rolling credits).

I plan on seeing many more this month - Let’s just say I like to get my money’s worth!

From the big screen, to the wonderful world of erotic fiction. I spent a month getting into EL James’ Fifty shades trilogy – I’m on the third one now and have slowed down a bit as I know it will all end soon and I’m just not ready to end my love affair with Christian Grey. What is it about this man? It could be his chiselled features or amazingly fit body? Or perhaps the Quadrillion pounds he has in the bank? Equally I love the way he wants to protect the woman he loves and will do anything for her, to keep her safe.

He does however have certain characteristics that turn me off - I don’t like the whole control freak situations and there have been times in the book where he really does over step the mark but in all honesty some of the mistakes he makes are no different to all men? They just think differently to women and don’t always appreciate what is classed as inappropriate? For example buying your girlfriend the same car you used to buy all your subs? (Even if it is an Audi!) And taking your girlfriend to one of the salons that you own but are run by your ex and even worse bumping into her there???!! (Even if she is a business partner?) MEN – will they ever understand???!

I’m also not sure about the ginger hair thing? In my imagination he has dark hair and blue eyes – that’s the beauty of books – you can change whatever you want to suit your own fantasy.

Despite all the hype about the BDSM etc in this book (which in reality it barely touches on) for me it is more about the romance, the whole exchange of flirty emails and the sexual adventures – the fact that they have no limits as money is no object and  they can for fill their fantasies to their hearts desire. What frightened me were the similarities between him and one of my ex’s – not the controlling or S&M bit I hasten to add, (or the unlimited funds – I wish!). But more of the general demeanour of a damaged man and the constant struggle to understand him and to try to bring some normality to his life.

I have finally figured out what my type of man is – it turns out its 50 shades of F*cked up – go figure! So that’s why I’m single? I have terrible taste in men! (Shrugging of shoulders) Who knew?!!.

My mate (male) asked me what I thought of the book as he works in an office full of women who have read it and he actually recommended it to me! – I was like “He drives an Audi R8” His response was “gotcha” (He knows me well enough to know he had me at Audi - lol).

Moving on from the world of books and onto the small screen - thanks to Bestie I’ve also spent a week watching the full four series of Belle De Jour’s secret Diary of a London Call Girl. I read the book last year while on holiday and even though the series was slightly tame compared to the detail in the book it was still highly entertaining. So many men and so many sexual desires! There was the man who liked to dress up as a baby – in a nappy with his dummy and throwing all his toys out of the pram!. There was the guy pretending to be a virgin but was secretly gay but wanted to make sure he was???!.

The guy who liked to masturbate with food???! (Think American Pie and you’ll get the idea!). The best part of that scenario was the huge food fight they got to have – now that is definitely on my bucket list! (Just to clarify a huge food fight not playing with the food!)

There was the man whose fantasy was to shag farm animals and got Belle to moo and bleat during sex! Lol! (I was wetting myself at that one). There was the guy who arrived for his date in a coffin dressed as Dracula but unfortunately died in his sleep (still in the coffin!!). OMG!! How on earth do you explain that to the hotel???.

I remember the time I was dating the Author and we checked into this posh hotel and he decided to take a bath before bed. As we were both so tired I was petrified I’d fall asleep in bed and find that he had fallen asleep in the bath and drowned. (Which was my worst nightmare), this was a man who had the potential to go somewhere in life and I’d be held responsible for ruining his future, or worse still accused of killing him! I didn’t fancy going to jail. So I did what any girlfriend in that situation would do, I went and sat in the bathroom and talked to him! (He must have thought I was really clingy but I just couldn’t take the risk!).

Back to Belle, bearing in mind this book is based loosely on a true story it does make you wonder what secret fantasies the man you are in bed with really has?. How well do you really know him? I’m all up for role play but I draw the line at farm animals!! Lol!

Belle’s life is complex obviously her work interferes with her personal life but you know what? There are advantages, the lifestyle – private jets, posh hotels, the money, the clothes, it’s not all bad. Besides isn’t every one’s personal life complex?

Moving onto personal lives – not much to report here I’m afraid as August was another first. For the first time in ages I am not on any dating sites actively seeking a man. It’s not because I’ve met Mr Right, it’s because I don’t think he exists and I’m ready to give up on the whole scenario – gasp! (Give it a few weeks and I’ll have changed my mind about that no doubt!).

I’m sick of meeting randomly fucked up 30 something’s who can’t work out what they want from their life or can’t be honest about it?. I find the whole thing quite exhausting, I’m tired of trying to “help” them or “look after” them.  The time has come to look after myself. So I’m sorry but you will have to hold off buying your hat for the time being! Lol!

So what else have I been up to? Well I went to the Notting Hill Carnival for the first time this year, we had a blast watching the processions, I got some fantastic photos and thankfully the weather turned out lovely. I loved the random street parties being held all over the place with different genre of music, I particularly enjoyed trying to get through the crowd of people dancing to garage in the middle of the street, even stopping to join in, I sooooo wish I’d got to do that for longer though!.

I didn’t enjoy the 2 hours it took to get from Notting Hill back to Victoria Station predominantly due to the lack of information available from the police as to what streets and stations were closed off.  You could see how easily this could end badly as peoples frustrations grew. Overall it was a good experience and I was absolutely exhausted and in bed by 9. Lol!

Elsewhere in NoshWorld I’ve decided to up the anti with my exercise regime as I can’t seem to be able to shift any weight and it’s starting to get me down. As you know I’m totally addicted to Les Mills Body Combat and am attending 3 to 4 classes a week. This week I decided to try some new classes (August being a month of firsts and all that). I’ve done a couple of Body Balance classes which I’ve quite enjoyed so I might add them to my weekly routine. It’s a mixture of stretching exercises which looks a lot easier than it is, it uses the disciplines of yoga, Pilates and tai chi and I think it balances out the stresses of combat.

I also tried Vinyassa yoga last week which I enjoyed for all the wrong reasons! I managed to talk my Body Combat buddy Charlie to come with me as I didn’t want to do it on my own, I’m not sure if this was a mistake or not but I had such a laugh. He’s so bloody competitive and this class was a bit more advanced than we thought it would be especially for first timers like us.

I’m sensible enough to know what positions I can manipulate my body into and which ones I can’t. I know where my strengths lie, (I can’t balance on one arm with my body in the air or swing my legs all the way back over my head to touch the floor!) Not Charlie though, oh no he’ll try anything!  All I heard was this massive thud as he lost his positioning and landed in a heap, I absolutely wet myself laughing, I then got the giggles and just couldn’t bring myself (or my breathing) under control for most of the class. (A major sin in Yoga which is all about the breathing!) Tutt Tutt.

As luck would have it, it turned out that this was the last class that they would be doing as the new timetable comes into effect next week and the class has been cancelled (probably because it’s on so late at night). Which isn’t a problem as I’m not sure that this type of yoga was for me. (Or for Charlie for that matter).

He’s agreed to do Body Balance with me now in exchange for me doing Body Pump with him (exercise with weights). I’m also dying to try out the new CXWORKS class. At this rate I won’t have time to find a man as I’ll be in the gym so damn much – hey but hopefully I’ll manage to shift some of this stubborn weight? Will let you know how I get on with that one!.

Another first in August was sacking the FWB (no pun intended) He was becoming a bit of a liability and stressful to handle. I would never know what mood he would be in, “flirty FWB”, “moody FWB”, or even worse “Anti women FWB”. (Christian Grey eat your heart out!). The problem here is that as an FWB you have no rights to be anything but “Fun FWB” – that is the whole point? (Well that and the sex obviously).

We are not in a relationship??? Why am I putting up with relationship crap from this bloke?? Does he not get it? Obviously not. 

The other problem was that I can not have an FWB who is going to get in a mood because of something I’ve said or done (or just cos he’s a twat) and decide not to have sex with me or worse still hold sex as a ransom until he gets what he wants?

To me this is unprecedented behaviour? May be I separate sex from the rest of the relationship because even during the 7 years with my ex, we would quite often stop mid blazing row for a shag and resume the argument after? Isn’t that normal? Lol.

Any way we had a huge row a few months back as he got annoyed because I refused to be filmed during sex, in his mind I had issues with my body but the truth be known its wasn’t my body I wasn’t comfortable with, it was the situation, his attitude and being told what to do! I’m not a prude and don’t like to be accused of being one, I do what I want, when I want with whom I want and I don’t need to be forced or bullied into anything.

I think that was the first time he got to experience “Angry Nosh” (She doesn’t come out often and never in a FWB situation). In fact I’m not sure he’s ever had a woman answer him back or confront him? It was quite comical in the end as he realised there was a real danger that I would walk out of the door and not come back and in all fairness, I don’t think he wanted that.

I didn’t see him again for a couple of months after that just so he knew not to be a twat next time. (Men they will learn the hard way).

Here’s another idea I got from EL James, may be we should draft a contract with an FWB? That way we can both establish exactly what is expected from the “relationship” so there are no “Grey” areas (hee hee!). 

Firstly – presentation is everything, you do not show up at my house in tracksuit bottoms – never, ever in a million years. If you do, I have the right to slam the door in your face (even if you did travel miles to get here – is that harsh?? Lol!). In his defence he only ever did this the one time, early on a Sunday morning so I let him off!

Secondly you have to be clean shaven, I don’t care that you normally only shave once a week, make it the day you’re coming to see me as stubble rash is not attractive for any girl. Besides you can hardly complain when you only have to do your face? We girls get the worst deal here. It does go both ways I wouldn’t dream of showing up for a “FWB date” without make up, bushy, frizzy hair and stubbly legs – like I said it’s all about presentation.

Thirdly (and this one can become quite important as time goes on) – the money issue. If you are meeting up at each others places that’s fine but as my FWB’s are from out of town there is always a cost involved, petrol, dinner or hotel costs. I don’t mind taking it in turns or going halves but there are times when you have to take each others earnings into consideration. If you are earning twice as much as me and you want to go away for a weekend, then I’m willing to pay towards the cost but I realistically can’t afford to always pay half.  So in this situation we either decide not to go, or we go and you don’t hold it against me as this will only build resentment from both sides.

Also we have to negotiate on how often seeing each other is appropriate, once or twice a month I would say is probably the norm, once a week is unacceptable as you are stepping into relationship boundaries.

I’m not saying you can only see each other on set dates because that would ruin the whole spontaneity of the experience, I’m just saying you need to be upfront about your expectations from the start to avoid conflict later. Besides if you’re seeing your FWB every week, when are you allowing time for someone fabulous and truly deserving of you to enter your life?

That brings me on to the next point, if either of you meet someone else to date than the FWB must back off immediately, until such time you both find yourselves single again and wish to resume where you left off. I have no interest in shagging someone who is in a relationship.

So with a contract all the issues can be avoided early especially if he is a FWB Virgin. (Which in this case he was). He doesn’t know what to expect, he probably thinks all his birthdays have all come at once, this woman will shag him with no strings attached? Too good to be true right? Wrong. However there are some strings just not the commitment type. You have to be happy, go lucky and up for a laugh, you can’t bring your every day boring work experiences to the bedroom, you leave them at the door and pick them up on your way out.

It goes without saying that you have to be good in bed and I can’t believe I’m gonna say this but its true, size really doesn’t matter. This particular FWB was huge, its just a shame he didn’t really know what to do with it! (Meow)  Certain things can be taught but you have to want to make an effort?. I think sex should be fun, not controlled or predetermined. Save the lazy sex for your relationships (if you can get one mate).

As a male friend told me recently, for a man to turn down an offer of sex on a plate (hotel included or not) is very difficult, he did this because the lady in question was attached. I was like I wouldn’t know, no one has ever turned me down! Please remind me never to proposition him though, as I’d hate him to be the first! Lol!

I know I don’t do the whole FWB thing correctly, probably because I’m not the kind of girl that could literally show up for sex and leave straight after, if that’s what you’re looking for then someone like Belle is probably more up your street. Remember I’m not being paid for sex, it’s a mutual benefit that has to be worth your while.

I’m more into the “girlfriend for the weekend” type, which is usually why all my FWB’s have been ex’s. The relationship may not have survived but the sex was too good to give up.  I really enjoy spending time with them, doing stuff as couples like walking hand in hand by the river and stopping for some lunch in a country pub. I like their company too, in a funny way I usually get on so much better with them when I’m not dating them? Go figure!

Unfortunately I’m starting to run out of ex’s – gasp! I suppose that’s a sign that I really should get a move on and find a new man – a boyfriend – double gasp, but I was having sooo much fun??? Is that so wrong? I will keep you updated.

Thank you for reading.

What’s the secret to a happy long term relationship and where the hell is my Knight in shining Armour???!

So the night before the big day (my mates wedding) I’m a nervous wreck trying to get organised, I need to make sure I have everything ready so it’s not a big rush in the morning. All I had to do was wash my hair, wrap the present and iron my dress, what did I do? Chat to a really hot man on messenger until I was too tired to do anything but go to bed! Doh!

Can someone please explain to me why I’m the one that’s nervous before my friend’s wedding? I kid you not, half an hour before leaving the house, my hand was trembling so bad I couldn’t put my lip liner on, I was exactly the same at my last best friends wedding two years ago.  We’re a group of 5 friends who met when we worked for a travel company 14 years ago and even though we have changed jobs many times since we have managed to keep our friendship. I’m officially the last one left who’s not married, actually I’m the only one, who’s not got a partner or kids and I’m the second eldest!  Eek. In recent years trying to get us all together in one place at one time has been impossible and I think the last time this happened was at the last wedding, With this precedent in mind I’m terrified I’ll never see them again – no pressure!

To be honest attending weddings when you’re a single person can be quite daunting, for those who thought weddings were the perfect opportunity to meet someone obviously hadn’t been to one recently! You know everybody else will be in couples. It’s also probably not easy fitting into the table plan either? Damn my best mate who used to be my plus one, how dare you get married and have kids and leave me to attend weddings alone?! Lol. I’m really lucky though, as I said this was one of my friends getting married and even though my other friends had their husbands with them, we’re all quite close and I didn’t feel singled out.

The proceedings went without a hitch, the bride looked stunning in her beautiful strapless gown. I have to give it to the groom – his speech, though lengthy, was highly entertaining (believe me it had to be, I’d just stuffed three courses and it was officially nap time so keeping me awake was a huge task in itself!). I finally got a glimpse of his personality and the realisation dawned on me that this is probably why they have been together for so long (just under ten years), the key ingredient to any successful relationship? – humour and lots of it – there you have it folks, the secret is out!

Weddings are funny things, they get you to thinking about how you’d like your big day to be, what kind of food you’d like, what kind of ceremony. Me and my friends had a great laugh discussing the options. If I marry an Asian man it will have to be a rich one, as we will need two weddings, one where I can wear the traditional Asian clothing – Dark red and gold sequinned dress with all the over the top gold bling, and one where I can wear my beautiful, sleek, possibly silk cream or off white dress with more subtle silver/platinum bling! (Yes it involves a lot of bling – but I’m not a gold digger I don’t mind costume jewellery – it doesn’t have to be real to be pretty).  Apart from the wedding ring obviously – that’s gonna cost you mate, but I’m worth it! Hee hee.

If I marry a white man then that’s probably going to be cheaper as I will just have to amalgamate two weddings into one. I’m still definitely having 2 hen nights though, the Asian version with all the mendhi and dancing to Asian music (for all my friends regardless of race) and a nice little weekend away to Amsterdam or Vegas for my more traditional Hen do?!. Hee hee!

So you find yourself sitting there planning out menu’s - probably have to be curry – my male best mate has been goading me about this for years, I think he’s got to the stage where he doesn’t care what the food is any more he just wants me to meet someone and get married! Lol!!

Talk about getting totally carried away with the whole prospect (I want my mates and bridesmaids to do a dance on the way back down the aisle after we’ve said the I do’s! Lol). Then you have to reel yourself back in big time, there’s one thing missing?.................. What’s that?............. Oh yeah the groom! (Rolling of eyes) Dammit!

You read articles about women who have booked their venue and bought their dress but not met the man? I’m not that bad. I’m at an age now where the majority of my friends are married, or settled down in relationships with children. I’m not sure about the whole children thing but one thing I’m positive about, and that’s one day, I would like to get married, I would like to commit to one man for the rest of my life. Gasp.

Here within lies the biggest problem, what man can I find who can enhance my life to the extent its worth giving up my singledom??!

There are days where I’m so anti coupledom it’s scary. On fathers day recently I spent an entire five hours sunbathing in my garden and reading my book, lets be honest the sun doesn’t come out that often in the UK so you really do need to make the most of it! Besides I desperately needed to tan the white bits from my holiday and thanks to the really big fence my psycho neighbour put up, I now have the freedom to do this as no one can see into my garden – hooray.

So there I was so relaxed it was untrue, all I could think about was that had I been in a relationship this would not be a possibility – more than likely we would have had to be up early and dressed and travelling to where ever his parents live to spend the day with them.

On the other hand I do love spending time with family but probably more when we want to rather than feel like we have to. I’ve never really had too much involvement with my ex’s families. The guy I dated for 7 years was one of 6 children, which when I met him I thought was fantastic  I had visions of huge family gatherings, chatting, laughing and getting to know each other (something for obvious reasons I didn’t ever get to do when I was little). Unfortunately for me as he was Asian and I hadn’t been brought up in the “traditional” Asian sense it transpired that I was kinda the “black sheep” so I’d never really fit in, which at the time was quite crushing but when you’re young you think love can conquer all and all that matters is just the two of you. Turns out I was wrong – gasp!

Life isn’t a fairytale though is it? Look at me, I’m 37 (shush don’t tell anyone), I have a good life, I have my own place, a job I enjoy and plenty of friends and family who care about me, but I have one question – “where the hell is my knight in shining armour?” You know the one I can cuddle up to in the middle of the night and the one I can wake up next to, on a Sunday morning and enjoy a lie in with?  The one who wants to date me, not just sleep with me? The one I’m supposed to run through a field with hand in hand while escaping a huge downpour of rain from an unexpected thunderstorm to seek shelter under a tree where he pulls me into his big, strong arms (bear with me  - its only a fantasy!) for a long passionate kiss? Oh and don’t forget the music and the random passer-by’s bursting into song – its always like a musical when it’s the real thing!.

Alright so I’m pushing it a bit and expecting too much?, who knows may be I could give E L James a run for her money (may need to step it up a notch though, he’d probably have me strapped to a tree with leather restraints semi naked gasping for breath at the anticipation of the leather studded paddle etc etc – No I haven’t read it yet but it is on my list! Lol) ) Anyway on a serious note why is it so hard in this day and age to meet a normal, down to earth guy? Are all men commitment phoebes? Jesus I’m not even asking for a commitment, a proper date would be nice?

Over the last ten years I’ve met many men who I’ve liked, cared about, definitely lusted after, not sure about the whole love thing but eventually discounted for the right reasons. Even though sometimes I’ve been devastated when things haven’t worked out but I haven’t given up, I’m looking for the right man which in its essence is hard to find. I’m not looking for “Mr Right Now”, I’m looking for someone I might have a future with? I decided a long time ago that if being with a man meant my life would be a struggle both financially and emotionally than actually I’d rather struggle alone.

Why am I single? That’s simple I’ve just not met him yet.

I’m making a lot of changes this year and so far 7 months in things are moving in a positive direction. After sorting my finances and mortgage earlier in the year this has given me the freedom to resign from my Saturday job, so for the first time in nearly five years I will no longer be working 6 days a week!

I have given myself the gift of time and two weeks in I have to say I’m loving it, Friday’s have taken on a whole new meaning to me, I treasure my lie ins, I have time to actually make my bed in the morning! I can clean the car, do the gardening, clean the house, fit in an extra Boby Combat class or the gym – not that I’ve managed any of these things so far as I’ve spent the last 2 weekends away with friends and family but that’s the other thing I have more time to spend with people I care about.

I’m hoping this will also make it easier for when I meet someone as I tend to date men from out of town and the Saturday job was a bit of a hindrance to my love life, being tired all the time is not an attractive quality in a person even if it isn’t your own fault. God help the men out there I’ve got more time, so more energy and omg more bounce! Uh oh!

So with that in mind I’m off for another speed dating event, this time held in London and on a weekend – so I can’t use the excuse of work in the morning to leave early – it can only mean one thing – it could get messy! As always wish me luck!

Thank you for reading.

The month of June – All about Americanism, getting injured in the Race for Life and being kept waiting.

Hey

Ok so it’s been a month since the last blog, I can only but apologise but life just got in the way! Since the holiday (which now seems like a distant memory), so much has happened, work has been relentless but I’ve managed to mix it in with plenty of pleasure as my mate from the US was back in the UK for 2 short weeks. I don’t know what it is about her presence but suddenly anything is possible, we all, as a group, drop everything and make an effort to be sociable, We ate loads, we talked loads and we laughed a lot and I'm having serious withdrawal symptoms already!

I had her with her children and a whole group of friends and family come out to support me for the Race for Life this year, yes I did it! I was 40 seconds slower than last year and was really disappointed at the time because I went over the 30 minute mark, but 30 minutes and 30 seconds was still a good effort. I raised  £340.00 which with Gift Aid was bumped up to a whopping £425.00 so it was definitely worth it and I'd like thank everyone who supported me.

Over 2000 women ran the race that evening so as you can imagine with all their supporters surrounding the course - the atmosphere there was electric. It was amazing to have my friends to cheer me on and my god they were soooo loud as I ran past! Everyone else kinda looked over to see who the big fuss was about – it was little old me! Hee Hee. (Love you guys!)

For those of you who know me, you know how very competitive I can be (I’m getting worse as I get older!). Though to be fair I usually just race against myself and try to beat my time from last year! Even so as I struggled the last 1k of the race the vision of the girl with a big arse over taking me was incentive enough to make me sprint the last bit as I knew I’d never live it down if she beat me!.

I got my come up pence though as I injured myself! Karma’s a b1tch! To be honest I was slightly injured before the race (I reckon I did it while training for the race on holiday) but I didn’t realise it could get serious. Luckily I only managed to severely pull my hamstring in my thigh and not tear it, so even though I was in considerable pain over the next few days and it still twinges now and again, the osteopath did manage to put me back together  in 2 sessions (I kept my bra on at all times!). I was told to rest for at least a week with no exercise or I was warned I could do serious damage. Gasp.

I can’t believe how hard it is to stop exercising and relax? Does housework and gardening count as exercise? Am I allowed sex? (You know just in case it happens?!) Does going to the park and jumping on the giant tyre swing count as relaxing? I had such fun though! I love swings! Though in all honesty that did hurt my leg but I was enjoying myself too much, I’m such a big kid!

The resting paid off, my osteopath said I was a “silly cow” but luckily didn’t do too much damage. I’m even allowed to go back to combat but have to take it easy – for those of you who’ve ever done Body Combat – you’ll know there’s no such thing as taking it easy in the class, especially not in the front row (Yes I am that sad!) I’m so impatient, I can’t wait to get back to normal.

I’m finding that as I get older, I become less patient. I hate waiting, I hate queues, I’ve been known to dump my basket at Tescos and walk out because I refuse to queue 20 people deep – so much for your “one in front” policy! I’ve also been seen to drive past the petrol station with the packed forecourt even though I’m wasting petrol trying to find petrol.

Do you know the thing I hate most? The thing I hate most is waiting for a message from a man! Yep you heard me (come on you knew we’d head back towards the dating eventually?!)

In this day and age with all the different methods available for communication, is there really any excuse to keep me waiting?

In the good old days if someone wanted to call you, they could call you or, better still you usually got to see people in the flesh. Now you have a choice between phone calls, instant messages via Blackberry or hotmail, texting, skyping and email! So surely in this day and age with all these communicational tools at your fingertips what’s your excuse?

Last year I dated a guy who hated texting and he would respond to my texts with an email, this meant I spent what felt like hours of my life logging into my email account to see if he had responded? Every time I found he hadn’t it was like a further rejection? So by the time he had, I was so frustrated I’d wanna bite his head off! (Poor guy! Lol) I know people lead busy lives, I’m one of those people but a quick text (even to say am busy will call later) would suffice?

I finally gave in to technology at the end of last year and bought a Blackberry, now all my communicational worlds have come together in one place. Whether you email me to any of my 3 hotmail accounts, send me a text, send me a message on Facebook or use Blackberry messenger I will know about it instantly. I’m not sure that this is such a good thing?

For a start there is no peace and quiet and if the phone isn’t bleeping I find myself checking it at regular intervals in case I’ve missed anything? Worse still it means you are always contactable which isn’t always a good thing? There are times when I’m at home that I have no idea where my mobile is and I eventually find it to see I’ve missed a call or a text from someone who now thinks I’m ignoring them!. It’s a disturbing phenomenon.

So I’m sitting here waiting for the Hot Copper to get back to me about our potential date next week – in his defence he’s probably arresting someone as we speak. (He can handcuff me any time – hee hee)/

So how did we get here? Well it’s been a busy few weeks. Before the holiday I was talking online to a couple of men as you know, there was the personal trainer in his forties, obviously fit but also had a gorgeous smile. There was the writer/performer bloke, though I wasn’t sure if he was gonna be a bit full of himself??  I’d agreed to meet them both when I return from my holiday. Then there was the hot copper, I sent him a text before the holiday and got no reply so I assumed he’d lost interest.

While on hols I got a few texts from him, and one from a number I didn’t recognise. On my return to the UK, I responded to both. The unrecognised number turned out to be a guy I hadn’t spoken to since New Year, when he had invited me down for a NYE party – remember him? From Basingstoke, he never spoke to me or text, just randomly sent me winks whenever I was online to let me know he knew I was online? My mate suggested may be he was shy? I thought may be he was weird? Besides I don’t do shy? Well bloody nerve, contacts me after 6 months and assumes I’m still single?! The fact that I am is totally irrelevant! (Rolling of eyes!) Lol!

To be honest I wasn’t interested so I told him a little white lie – I told him that I’d just got back from holiday with my boyfriend! Well it was better then the truth? That I think you should seriously reconsider the size of your eyebrows??! I always think if you haven’t got anything nice to say, best not say anything at all!

Anyway it worked, he was really sweet and told me my boyfriend was a very lucky man. Lucky man? Seriously? God I’m such a bitch!

Systematically through out the month, potential dates succumbed to none. The personal trainer wanted to meet up one evening but because I couldn’t make it (and suggested a different date) he didn’t contact me again. (In all honesty I was having second thoughts about him as while I was on holiday he had uploaded a new picture showing his full 44 years!) So no loss there.

The successful writer/performer has disappeared too but again I wasn’t sure if we had anything in common or that I’d find him attractive (Do I have to keep making the same mistakes over and over??”)

I had also been speaking to a guy who works in security but had his profession down on the site as “security” slash “actor”, when I asked him about this he told me he had a degree in acting? Not being funny but unless you’ve “acted” in something, you can’t really class yourself as an “actor”? That would be like me saying I’m a “MD” just because I have a business degree?! He’s from North London so travel wise I’m not sure if it would work..

There was also a  guy who sent me a message and said he wished he was better looking?? Erm ok?? See that level of insecurity to me is a complete turn off, I like my men to be confident (not to the extent of arrogance – there is a fine line) but you have to like yourself otherwise why should any one else?.

So back to Mr Officer, he kept randomly sending me the same text every few days and not responding to my messages so last week I decided to take the bull by the horns and tell him to buck up or get stuffed (hot or not hot I don’t have time to mess about). I told him if he wanted to date me, then I suggested he date me because I’m not looking for a text buddy, I’m looking for a “real man!” lol! It worked! So we’ve since spoken on the phone a couple of times and been in touch on messenger so, so far so good, just gotta meet in the flesh – eek!  He seems really sweet but then don’t they all?!

On the free dating site I keep getting messages from the same men over and over, surely if I didn’t respond to the first, second or third message, I’m not interested? How many ignored emails does it take for you to get it? I’ve had to resort to blocking people just to stop wasting my time deleting emails!  Aaaaaaargh!

Anyway now that my friend has headed back to the US of A and my Race for Life is over for another year, I’m getting prepared for one of my best friend’s wedding this weekend. Once that’s all done I will join a better dating site which I will no doubt have to pay for to see if I can meet a better class of man. In the mean time who knows if the “Hot Copper” will be the one?

So I’ll leave it there for now – in case you’re wondering, still no response – has been 3 hours! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Thanks for reading! 

From the magic carpet ride courtesy of Ali Baba to getting wet and wild on the jeep safari, there wasn't a dull moment in Turkey this year!

Merhaba from Turkey! I wish I could say that I was typing this while still sunbathing by the pool, overlooking the cloudless blue sky, in the 35 degree heat, that is Marmaris, in Turkey, but unfortunately I am not. Instead I’m sat here in my study watching the rain lash against the window and the trees sway in the wind which is sweeping the city, welcome back to the UK with a bump!

You want to know the most stressful part of going on holiday? Without a doubt it has to be “packing” or to be precise trying to fit all my clothes, hair products including straighteners and shoes into a suitcase with only a 20kg weight limit (bearing in mind my suitcase empty weighed 5kg? WTF is that all about???!).

Who makes these restrictions anyway? (Bet it was a man!) Surely they are based on two people sharing? I know men pack a million times lighter than women so may be the assumption is that with a couple, between them 40kg is enough? Another reason against singledom I suppose?! I ended up buying a big bag for my hand luggage and all my toiletries airside just to save on luggage allowance! Its easier than finding a man – Though actually that would be a really good idea?, you could advertise beforehand or stand at the check in bit with a placard to say you’re single and see if there’s any one else travelling alone so you can check in together? Genius!! Though knowing my luck it’ll be some obese man with bad breath who snores through out the flight!

I got stopped at security on the way out because I had something suspicious in my bag? You know that feeling when you’re trying to remember what the hell you packed in your hand luggage? (No there were no electrical or vibrating items in my bag before you ask) OMG was it the 2 bananas I shoved in there at the last minute to eat on the taxi ride and had forgotten about? Are you allowed to take fruit abroad?? Or was it my headache pills which weren’t in a packet (to save on weight? – don’t ask!) Did they think they were drugs?. Turned out it was my “illegally” sized deodorant that was the culprit? Like seriously? I wouldn’t have minded but I’d bought a smaller size specifically for the holiday but apparently it was still too big – I obviously have issues with size! Lol!

The flight was fine and we made it to Turkey late Monday morning. Unfortunately as I had booked my holiday separately to my cousin we ended up in separate transfer coaches, I ended up with 2 young couples, the first guy was rather hot (in his 20’s) It always beggars belief how hot men end up with psycho women? His girlfriend really wasn’t all that and to be fair, pretty dumb too? They got in a row as soon as they got on the coach as they were annoyed that the transfer time was an hour and 45 minutes? Erm it tells you that on the brochure and the transfer confirmation details? May be you should learn to read? (Rolling of eyes) Children today! Lol! I took out my contact lenses and had a snooze! Lol! Luckily I was the first drop off – yippee!

I spent the first couple of days sunbathing and relaxing by the pool – isn’t that what holidays are all about? Turning off all modes of communication (no blackberry – eek) and escaping into a book (Jill Mansell) while getting tanned? (I actually took a print out copy of my blog with me so I could go back to the beginning and read that too – how sad am I?!)

May be someone should tell my cousin about relaxing? I’m gonna nickname her “put put” because she just can’t stay put! What she lacks in height (she’s barely 5 foot) she certainly makes up for in volume!! She has an enormous personality and did not sit down for a minute through out the holiday! I barely saw her for the first few days as she went around the hotel talking to everyone! God help you if she had gone to get you a drink because it would take her at least an hour to return – and they say I talk a lot! She was hilarious, she went off to the market with the kids for the day while I chilled and sunbathed and within a few minutes of returning had made friends with the people on the sun loungers next to me?  (I’d gone off to get a drink) She was like "they’re really nice aren’t they?" I was like "no idea they didn’t say a word to me in the 6 hours I sunbathed next to them?!" Lol!

She was insane she got on so well with the hotel staff that when we missed the afternoon cakes (served between 4pm and 5pm daily) because we’d been on a day trip, she casually mentioned it to one of the staff and the next minute they presented her with a big plate with cake slices and biscuits??? I was like WTF??? She also requested a dessert she had really liked a few days ago and they added it to the menu for the following night? I swear she also got extra towels in her room!! I was dumbfounded! I have to say the staff couldn’t have been nicer but even that was above and beyond their duty! Lol. No wonder she wants to go back next year!

The hotel though not large put up various entertainment. Every afternoon they had Water polo where I got to watch the men in their swimming gear throw the ball around and try to score (usually missing and covering us in water)  – it was quite entertaining, also it meant taking a half hour break from all the reading and sunbathing – what a hard life eh? In the evening they also had entertainment including bingo but we always missed this as we would go out after dinner. Their “Turkish Night” was interesting, the men were quite fond of the female belly dancer though I didn’t think much of the male dancers doing a traditional Turkish dance which looked more like line dancing to me! However the group of male break dancers were bloody awesome!

They also had “Robot Man” wearing a metal outfit covered with lights which lit up in different colours, he was very popular with the kids, I watched this little girl go running up to him, then stop and hesitate and then decide she liked him so put her arms up so he could pick her up? He just kinda looked at her like seriously? I don’t think it was possible for him to pick anyone up without electrocuting them! I doubt he could bend over either but it was sooo sweet! Bless.

There was plenty to do in Turkey in the form of day trips. My cousin became good friends with the travel agent people around the corner from the hotel (no surprise there then). We did the Jeep Safari which at £15.00 (including lunch) was an absolute bargain and I’d definitely recommend it, just make sure you wear clothes you don’t mind getting filthy in! We had the “nutter” driver (why me???) he kept putting his hands up in the air to the music, I was like shouldn’t you be steering the jeep? At one point he stopped the jeep and stood on the bonnet to do a dance! Lol! I was like erm okaaaaaay??? We drove past a cemetery and he was like – yeah that’s where my last year’s customers are! We all laughed and then put on our seatbelts! Lol!.

We hired big water guns to take part in the massive water fight on our way round, I could handle the water guns, it was the bottles of water that people were chucking over you that was hard work, especially as I had my contacts in! lol!. You got resigned to the fact you were gonna get soaked and covered in mud and there was nothing you could do about it and to be honest it was a bloody good laugh! It’s the first time in ages I let loose, screaming like a school girl every time a jeep came up beside us for an ambush!

My tactic was to look away to avoid getting water in my eyes while simultaneously shooting them down with my water gun! My poor hair didn’t know what hit it, it got covered in muddy water and then windswept as we sped away from the other jeeps!  I couldn’t get a hairbrush through it and it took me 3 shampoo’s later that evening to get the dirt out! Lol). My favourite bit was near the end when my gun had run out of water and this bloke came over to our jeep with a massive bottle of water to get me with and my cousin’s youngest came to my rescue and frightened him off with her water gun! I was like “my hero” lol!

We stopped off for lunch and then went on to a beautiful beach where I went for a walk through the sea to the other end of the island (water was shallow obviously). I was absolutely gutted on the way back as apparently I missed the gorgeous “Vin Diesel” look-alike on the beach! Where was I???? Oh I chose that ten minute interval to go find the toilets! Not only was he great looking with a fabulous body but he was a professor in Abu Dhabi! DAMMIT!!!! My cousin chatted to him and got his picture! B1tch – why did no one come to find me????!

We also did a day trip on a boat where I got to sunbathe on the top deck as they took us around the island and stopped off at a beach. We met some really nice people on the boat. My cousin's oldest got her come up pence as she took photos of me having a snooze and then went to go below deck and lost her footing on the stairs and landed with a thud, thus waking me up! How inconsiderate?! Lol!. Once we knew she was alright we did laugh pretty hard at her! Hee hee. She said “damn karma does exist!!” Lol.

We met a really sweet couple who were 4 months pregnant (well she was, not him obviously) she was really funny because when we docked at the beach she decided she wanted to jump into the sea from the ramp but hesitated and asked me if I thought it would be safe to do so in her condition or whether it may harm the baby? I was thinking well not as much as the 20 fags you just smoked in the last 3 hours love! Unbelievable! Apart from the smoking they were a lovely couple and I even had to tell them how refreshing it was to meet a couple who seemed so happy together? Believe me we saw many not so happy couples on holiday! Lol He was really sweet and said she was like his best friend! Aaaaaaaaaw. That’s what I want. Big sigh!

We did try to get some exercise in while away, for 3 whole days I put on me shorts and went for a half hour run (my cousin joined me for the first day but as I nearly killed her – her face was puce by the time we returned, she declined to come with me again! Lol!) I would follow up the run with some combat moves in my room (I felt sorry for the people in the rooms below mine while I practised my flying kicks!!) They must have wondered what the hell was going on! 

I then promptly hurt my leg so quit the exercise malarkey and booked in for a full body massage instead, I asked for a male masseur and filled out the form to say I wanted a “hard” massage! Lol! (A sports one in other words!) I don’t know why I do it, there’s nothing like someone punching you in the legs several times and stretching you until you think you may snap! There were points where I was trying really hard to breathe through the pain! Ouch the second half was much more relaxing and it made my leg better though so the pain was worth it!

We replaced the running with an evening walk. One night we left the children behind and as my cousin had booked in for a “Horse Safari” for the next day, she decided she should buy some food for the horse, we ended up at a market stall selling fruit & veg where nobody spoke any English, so she picks up 2 carrots and tries to explain to the men its for horse riding???? She’s doing this impression of being on a horse and jigging backwards and forwards doing a giddy up impression??? I was pissing myself laughing and had to walk away because all I could think was they probably think she’s talking about shagging and using the carrots as an aid???? Thank god horses don’t eat cucumber! (as far as I know!).

We ended up outside the “herbalist” shop called Ali Baba, the shop owner was quite friendly and invited us in for some herbal tea! Now I’ve tried Apple Tea last year in Turkey during my Turkish bath session where I got to relax and sip tea while awaiting my massage. So I really wanted to buy some.

He gave us both an appetiser in the form of a small bit of crystal which was lemon and lime to melt on your tongue before trying the tea.  He then poured the 4 or 5 different types of tea powder into these small glasses (that he claimed were indestructible – he even dropped a few empty ones to prove a point) and we got to have a taster session. Apparently each type of tea has different benefits, the Apple tea is supposedly to cure headaches and was my favourite and the Kiwi tea is for detoxing which was also quite nice.

So I bought both, I also bought a few souvenirs.  So we’re sitting there while my cousin is negotiating on price and I came across really light headed? I was like I think we need to get back now? Thankfully the hotel was only a short five minute walk away. We got to the reception and bumped into some people we knew including her children and my cousin took out the “indestructible glasses” that she had bought and went “look at this” as she dropped one to the floor……………………………and it smashed everywhere! OMG I could not stop laughing, her kids and the other guests were looking at her bewildered like she’d lost her mind???! (I was the only one who knew that the glass wasn’t supposed to break!). It transpires the glass is indestructible on laminate flooring but not marble! Lol! (Don’t worry she got another one after she’d given the man a piece of her mind the next day!)

Now I don’t know what that man gave me but all I know was that the light headedness lasted quite a while, at one point I was leaning against a pillar in the reception area and could feel myself sliding down it! I ended up having an early night because I was worried I might be sick (I wasn’t). I’ve been super drunk before but this is a feeling I’ve never experienced. My cousin said she was mega hyper but to be honest she's so mad any way how would you tell??! Lol!

I very much doubt that the Apple tea was the cause but on reflection I assume the appetiser thing was a bad idea?. Especially as when I had tried to interrogate him about it (because he was adding it to the tea but not selling it with the tea?) he kept avoiding the question and making out he didn’t understand what I was asking and after a couple of attempts I gave up. Thank god he didn’t sell it to me! I can just picture the scene at airport security – anything to declare madam? Erm what have I got? Carrots in my hand luggage now???!

We avoided that shop for the rest of the holiday! It could have been worse my friend was telling me about the time she went to Turkey with her single friend – They were both in their late 40’s and she said they met a friendly chap outside a shop who took a liking to her friend and asked her out on a date (he was in his 20’s). She was quite flattered so agreed to a date only to find out he was a male prostitute that wanted her to book an expensive hotel and pay him for sex! Lol. She was like I might not have had it for a while but I’m bloody well not paying for it! Lol! Then again she was also the same person that had a massage after the Turkish bath naked because she thought that was normal! PMSL!

One of the travel reps did ask me out on a date or rather asked my cousin to ask me out on a date (he was from Essex so I’m sure it was all above board!). However if you don’t even have the balls to ask me to my face what is the point? Besides I didn’t want to waste a day of my holiday on a date and it’s not like it was every gonna go anywhere! I didn’t want to waste precious sunbathing time!

Anyway as the holiday was drawing to a close it was starting to get very hot in Marmaris, well into the 40’s so I decided I’d had enough of sunbathing and fancied a really long shower and some rest in my room, so mid afternoon that’s what I did. My air conditioning was making a right racket but as I’d already jumped in to the shower I couldn’t be bothered to come out to turn it off. What I didn’t realise was that there was a fault with the air conditioning unit in my room which was causing a power cut in all the other rooms on my floor? Lol!

I finished drying my hair after the shower and experienced a power cut, the air conditioning, telly and lights all went out and then flickered back on, at the same time there was a hammering on my door, it was hotel security asking me to turn the air conditioning off so they could fix it! (They’d been knocking on everyones door to try to find the culprit! It was me! Hee hee)

How embarrassing!. If that wasn’t bad enough other people on my floor were standing outside of their rooms because they thought the noise was an alarm to evacuate the building?  Not only had I not paid any attention to the noise from my room but I also managed to miss the mild earthquake that took place while I was in the shower? It rated at 4.7 whatever that means and apparently our whole hotel shook including the windows and beds etc??? Everyone was like “how did you not notice, the floor moved????” I haven’t the foggiest! (Must have been a damn good shower!)

So all in all I had a good holiday, I got a super tan, we got to explore the resort a bit with the jeep safari, and Ali Baba certainly took me on a magic carpet ride! I’m gutted I missed the Vin Diesel look alike and no idea how I missed the earthquake but that’s life I suppose.

I’m just glad we got back in one piece and I got to spend some quality time with members of my family I rarely get to see.  I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my cousin for letting me gate crash her holiday! So I’m back and refreshed and ready for anything! Lets get back to the dating shall we??!

Thanks for reading! J xx