Too many dates, too little time and since when did shagging on the second date become the norm???!

Ok so another month has flown by and the theme for February was “Second Dates.”  Statistically speaking I dated 3 guys over a period of 6 weeks (not at the same time I hasten to add).

What did I learn? I learnt that there’s nothing like going on several dates to push a Single girl over the edge, desperate for some “Me Time” Lol!

On the way back from the “not so successful” weekend with “Portsmouth Guy” I got a call from “Clapham Guy” determined to make up for cancelling a previous first date, so hoping to be third time lucky I had a couple of hours kip, got dressed and drove to the station to meet him.

He was 6ft tall, dark hair, medium build, good looking, charming and genuinely funny without “trying” too hard. He worked in Sales and showed up with an enormous bouquet of flowers! Good start!  He was fours years younger than me but as I’m always being told, age is only but a number?! Besides I’d already dated someone my age and someone 4 years older in the last month so hell, why not a Toy Boy?!

I had my reservations as we had briefly spoken on the phone before the date and I didn’t think we had much in common. He was into extreme sports and I had advised him that Body Combat was not classed as one! He liked mountain biking (I can’t ride a bike) He liked swimming (I don’t swim well) and he liked rock climbing, I explained to him that I get dizzy standing on a chair!

None of that bothered him and he seemed determined to get to know me more. So after a highly entertaining first date where I was relieved that the conversation flowed easily and we had a laugh, I agreed to a second one.  That’s when it all started to go wrong!

Some of this was my fault, I was having a particularly hard time at work (I had taken on a new role which coincided with my company initiating a massive acquisition which is fantastic for the future of the company but it doubled my workload and it didn’t help that we were a staff member down).

Determined to do well and make a good impression on my boss I was finding juggling work, with the gym classes and dating, a bit of a struggle. I had got to the stage where I was starting to get a bit resentful of having to give up my weekends and evenings to go on dates with different men. All I wanted to do was to have one day off, just to myself to do whatever I fancied, even if that was to sit in my pjs and watch back to back episodes of CSI!

His persistent manner was starting to get on my nerves; I seemed to end up doing what he wanted all the time. This resulted in me finding myself in a position I was not entirely comfortable with when he ended up spending the night at my house on the second date..

I kind of couldn’t get out of it, without sounding totally unreasonable? He was due to go see his sister the following day and she only lived a few miles away from me, so I suppose it didn’t make sense for him to go back to London that night and come back the next day? However he could always have gone and stayed at hers? 

It also didn’t help that he was not well and spent the entire night tossing and turning because he could not sleep, any normal person would have gone downstairs or in to the spare room? (I’m being too harsh aren’t I? lol).

The next day I went into work exhausted and was not impressed as my Saturday job involves driving all day which is dangerous when you’re tired. This also put a slight dampener on my plans for the evening as I was too tired to fully enjoy the company of some of my dearest friends when we met up for dinner.

What irritated me further was that he wanted to meet up first thing Sunday morning? When I explained that I would prefer to meet at lunch time as I really wanted a lie in (it’s my only day off) he was quite manipulative with his reasoning as to why we couldn’t do this?. Unfortunately for him, by this stage I’d had more than enough so I postponed the third date until the following weekend. This resulted in a rather uncomfortable phone call on the Sunday where he “tried” to persuade me to change my mind. I had woken up with a migraine (I wonder why) and was starting to feel quite nauseous so I refused.

Also I found it exasperating that he liked to be “spontaneous” rather than “plan” anything for a date which was basically code for we didn’t do anything just spend all our time at my place? Why? I want to go out and do stuff, get to know each other, go on some proper dates, and do things as a couple? Have some fun? Isn’t that what dating is all about?

So when it transpired that he expected the third date to last the entire weekend (from the minute I get home from work Saturday till probably the time I left for work on the Monday) I realised that I felt totally suffocated and I did the unthinkable…………………........................................................................   I dumped him by text – Gasp!  In my defence we had only been on 2 dates (and I hadn’t shagged him) and if I thought I could have talked to him, without him talking me out of it, I would have called him!

So another one bites the dust! I have to say once I’d done this I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt so much more relaxed. I obviously made the right decision as to be honest if I had really liked him I would have wanted to spend all my time with him surely?

I know you shouldn’t compare people you meet to people you have dated in the past but this is harder than you think. Sometimes it’s good to compare? For example the last few men I had relationships with, I was really excited about the second date and was really comfortable throughout, there was no awkwardness, and it was just easy. Surely that’s how it should be? I know they didn’t work out but surely that’s the starting step in any relationship? Or is that too much pressure at this stage? 

I don’t know what’s happening to men nowadays? They seem so needy, clingy and desperate for attention? It’s a bit like they’ve hit an age, realised that their mates are settling down and having babies and with this in mind and pressure from their mums (both Portsmouth & Clapham admitted to this) are looking for someone to settle down with. They are rushing in without rationalising their actions?.

May be I’m over analysing here but what’s strange is that there is a whole new breed of “man” out there who analyse more than us girls do?  Portsmouth Guy was quite insecure about the second date because he knew I had been on a second date with someone else the week before?  He was like “well you didn’t see him again after the second date and you could do that to me?” My response was well I suppose so but isn’t that what dating is all about? Getting to know each other to see if you gel? I don’t go on a second date with the premise that I won’t see this person ever again? However I also do not agree to date 2 and 3 before date one? Believe me the last 3 guys have tried to work this arrangement????! What is that all about?

Then there’s the whole sex thing? Since when did shagging on a second date become the norm?

What’s the rush? Where’s the fire? Am I being old fashioned? The games the guys will play and the manipulation they will use to try to get their own way is truly genius! To the guy who told me I had amazing will power – truth be known you weren’t doing anything to turn me on! Meow! Lol!

Please tell me if I’m being a prude here?  Should you jump into bed with someone you’ve just met? Some people think it’s a good way to get close to someone. (I’m not one of these people!)  I suppose it’s a good way of finding out certain things about the guy – ie does he keep his socks on during sex?  I remember shagging a certain someone who kept his T shirt on? I was like “take it off take it off” which he did to reveal a really hairy back, I was like put it back on, put it back on! Lol!

Its ok I did continue to date him for 6 months as he had a six pack and had amazing arms! Lol!  (Actually that’s unfair he had a Masters degree and was very talented in many ways!)  He also did get his back waxed and no I didn’t make him do it!

Also as a general rule I don’t kiss on a first date, now I know this sounds like a lot of rules (there is a reason why I’m single!) The reason for this is that I’m petrified at the thought of going on a first date, if I had to consider the idea that I may have to kiss someone too I would not get out of the house, you would find me under my duvet!

Admittedly I did date a guy a few years ago and we had got to date 3 or 4 and hadn’t even snogged? That was a nightmare! The longer we left it the worse it got! I was starting to resign myself to the fact that it just might never happen!  I think the problem was that we had been out for each date and I’m not really into snogging in public. It turned out I had nothing to worry about and he was a great kisser! Woohoo!

So out of my 3 recent second dates, I had one I just didn’t want to snog, one who asked me if he could kiss me and one that jumped me? Seriously MEN!

So I do believe all three men came away thinking I was totally frigid which made me giggle!

So I went back to the dating site to see what else was on offer.

There was the 38 year old 5ft 6 Asian God (Sooooo not his real picture!) He had completed his profile to say he lived in the “Land of Paradise” Really? Is that within 30 miles of me because I don’t really fancy travelling too far for a date?!  He had written “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh” about himself and wanted to take me (or any female really) to bed on a first date. Awesome! Lets do it! Not.

There was the man who had a carpet shop in Woking and told me this in his introductory email; actually this is all he told me about himself??? – I do need new carpets but I thought better of it.

The guy who looked like a mass murderer in his pics! (I watch too much Criminal Minds!) May be if he smiled it would make him look more personable?

There was an alright looking guy but he had issues with sleeping? I was going to google the exact term that he used but what’s the point? I love my sleep and am a moody cow if I don’t get any! So it would never work!

There was the fat, ugly, old man who sent me an email asking me if I could send him some lezzie pics? I sent him a reply saying “excuse me?” he didn’t have the balls to respond! Lol!

The guy with the email that was 3 pages long telling me how beautiful I was and how perfect we would be together as a couple. Funny that because didn’t you send me the exact same email last month? You obviously like to copy and paste? Busted!!

Lastly there was the guy that made me gasp – and not in a good way! In his profile he said he was looking for a 36-32-34 body with a zero IQ and then had the nerve to email me! Yeah I was sooooo offended I couldn’t even come up with a response to that one! Lol!

So yeah I’m still out there, though I am taking a few weeks off from dating to chill out and spend some time with my friends and family. Who knows what’s around the corner. I’ll keep you updated.

Thank you for reading.

Impressive properties, fast cars, insecurities, barriers and snoring – just another week in NoshWorld!

I suppose I should start where I left off - with “Portsmouth Guy”

So was “Portsmouth Guy” the “One?” in a word “Possibly” but unfortunately not the “One” for me. So I arrived in Portsmouth in record breaking time – hour and 20 – my car is awesome (and there was no traffic), I turn into a residential close and look out for his Audi and there it is in the drive of the biggest house in the street, double fronted, detached with a garage and three parking spaces. OMG

If I thought the outside was impressive you should have seen the inside. I have to say this was the most stunning three bedroom house I have seen in a while, (Bearing in mind I show people around houses on a weekend). It was tastefully decorated, classy, and immaculate - not a thing was out of place!  He had warned me that he was a bit OCD with the cleaning stuff – a little bit like my sister, who by the way would have loved him and will probably be devastated that I didn’t marry him! Lol!

He had installed a new bathroom, with a massive tub and separate walk in shower, a gorgeous new kitchen - black granite work top – wow! He had also added an impressive £15k conservatory at the back.

My first thought was hell you can never see where I live! Don’t get me wrong, I love my house (I worked hard for it and did it on my own – Girl power and all that) and I think my house is also tastefully decorated but not to the grand scale that his is, I’d die for that kitchen, bathroom and conservatory, I just couldn’t afford it!

After the grand tour we went to the pub for a few drinks (in the beautiful Audi) – you know the type, gorgeous leather bucket seats where you have to get out skilfully without flashing your knickers  and have to be really careful not to scratch the handle as you’re shutting the door – yeah was a bit like that! Very nice though.

So up until now he sounds pretty perfect doesn’t he? I have to say on paper, he is, he runs his own business, he has his own property, own car and is solvent (as far as we know). He’s close to his family and has plenty of friends and seems quite social, all good so far?

The thing is there is always more to it then what’s on paper as I was to find out! The reality was that he had certain insecurities, he had issues with trust, and I was concerned that the distance thing was only going to fuel this further.

I had ignored all the warning signs, we seemed to talk at cross purposes a fair bit but I’d put down the misunderstanding of my texts as just that - a misunderstanding, after all texts can be quite difficult to interpret when you don’t know the person you are communicating with especially in the early stages

An example of this was him telling me he thought I was “high maintenance” which to be honest I found quite offensive? When I brought this up with him when I spoke to him next (oh hell yeah!) He explained that he had meant  I liked attention i.e. text messages, emails and phone calls and that I’d like things bought for me for example dinner or flowers?. This really annoyed me because I admit I do like receiving texts, and yes I do crave the attention, there’s nothing like the excitement of receiving that little envelope on your phone to say you have a message, but I don’t class that as high maintenance?

As for going out for dinner – isn’t that what you do when you first meet someone? I’m always up for paying half or taking it in turns, as for the flowers I was like are you frickin kidding me? It’s not expected but a nice gesture, however I would like to point out that if you are going to do it, do it because you want to and don’t hold it against me afterwards! To me high maintenance is someone who takes 4 hours to get dressed up for the night, who spends lots of money on their hair, make up, pedicures and manicures to make themselves feel better? So that went down well! Lol!

He’d also made an off the cuff comment about me going out for dinner with my bestie, where he’d said he had also gone out that night because I had???? (So therefore I couldn’t have an issue with it????!) I also tried to ignore the text I’d got a Friday night where he thought I had been out drinking especially as he “knew” I didn’t work out on a Friday night??? Really? You know my routine that well already? For the record I had been in the gym and I had responded to his text the minute I had got home! When I brought this up he did confide that an ex had cheated on him and therefore trust was a bit of an issue for him.

I would like to point out I wasn’t the one who cheated, so please don’t take it out on me? I think men should bear that in mind when dating, we are not your ex? We come with a whole new catalogue of issues of our very own! Lol!. (Good luck with that!).

As the evening progressed it transpired that we didn’t really have anything in common and I just couldn’t understand how it could ever work.

He was too serious for me? I don’t do serious, I’m up for a laugh, I like the banter, I like sarcasm and I like to have things we can talk about in common. He watches wild life programmes, I watch dating programmes and psychological thrillers like “Criminal Minds” or “CSI NY” and “Dexter” to name my a few.

We retired back to his place and I did stay the night at his and no I didn’t sleep in the spare room though I know I should have done, however I didn’t sleep with him either, actually I didn’t sleep at all as he spent the entire night snoring his head off!. I’m not a light sleeper but having what can only be described as the sound of a pneumatic drill in my ear was sufficient to ensure I was up all night! Soooo not funny at the time!

He then got the arse in the morning because I wasn’t up bright and early and dressed by half ten? For the record I had showered and was semi dressed and applying my make up when he made the comment. I felt like saying well if you hadn’t been snoring all bloody night and I had had more than a couple of hour’s sleep I’m sure I would be all bright eyed and bushy tailed first thing?

Apart from anything else it’s like ten o’clock in the morning? On a Sunday? My ONLY day off? What is wrong with you??? (I had also just started my period which always makes me sluggish and you really shouldn’t piss off a hormonal woman) He probably had the arse because he couldn’t get his leg over! Lol!

I left straight after breakfast with a few words of wisdom ringing in my ears on the drive home.  I have to add we did leave on friendly terms but it was pretty obvious this wasn’t going to go anywhere.

I was told that it was up to me where we go from here because I’m the one with all the issues (like really – yeah I’m the one with the issues!)

He said I had too many barriers and until I was ready to let them down and let someone get close to me I was wasting my time dating. Now I think I need to make a clarification here, I am under no illusions, I am fully aware that I have barriers that I have built over time to protect myself from getting hurt. Doesn’t everyone?!

I am also fully aware that there are times where regardless of these, I do let people into my heart and inevitably I do get hurt. I don’t have any regrets though as having an emotion – surely even a bad one, kind of makes you feel alive doesn’t it?

What I a have a problem in understanding, is how I am supposed to do all this by the time I get to a second date? Surely that’s asking too much of me? I don’t know you and more importantly you don’t know me. You haven’t a clue about who I am and where I came from and without that knowledge (which can only be gained over time) you have no way of knowing me, end of.

So that got me to thinking where did these barriers come from? Probably where psychologist and relationship therapists have been preaching for years, they start in the same place for everyone, from early childhood. They say experiences you have as a child shape the adult you will eventually become. I don’t always agree with this statement, the whole theory that we should make allowances for criminals because the person they became was a direct result of a bad childhood to me is utter bullshit (pardon the French).

If we were to follow this theory then I would be an unemployed crack head living in a council flat with 4 children all from different fathers scrounging off the state.

I like to believe as Charles R Swindoll said “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”. 

So who was the first man to break my heart and leave me? That would be my Dad (through no fault of his own I have to add). He died 3 months after my mother did, I was 6 and had grown up a great deal in those few short months, I had also become very close to him. He died as a result of a stroke but to be honest it turned out he couldn’t live without my mother – may be that’s what I strive for,  to find a love like that, to have someone love you so much their life isn’t worth living without you?.

What followed were a few years of utter chaos, being taken out of school away from all my friends and spending 18 months in a foreign Country, trying to adapt to their way of life, their teaching methods, not to mention a whole new language.

I have some things to be grateful for, it taught me how to adapt to a changing environment, and it also taught me how to fit in when you are the odd one out. Best of all I’m grateful that what I can only describe as quite a traumatic experience came to an end and I was brought back to the UK. Back to my school with the added bonus of being at a more advanced stage of maths than my fellow students! Probably how I ended up in Finance, so yes I suppose some of what you learn as a child does shape who you become as an adult.

I am quite proud of who I am and what I have achieved, my house may not be a mansion but to me it means the world, its mine and mine alone. I believe I have a good soul, which is probably why I am surrounded by so many lovely, caring and supportive friends who genuinely show me love on a regular basis. I just have to find a man to complete the fairytale but I’m willing to wait for the right one – he’s out there somewhere!

With that in mind I drove back from Portsmouth, had a couple of hours sleep and headed straight out for a date with The London Salesman because you never know what’s around the corner! May be I’ll be third time lucky?! Here’s hoping!!

Thank you for reading.