4 Months, 17 dates in 8 locations, numerous outfit changes and 13 men later…………………………………

Picture the scene, a muscle packed, well defined man with arms to die for (damn my weakness for arms) towering over me, stark bollocks naked, aggressively shouting “I’m the one with the cock, so you should listen to me!”  What initiated this outburst you might wonder? Apart from the fact that he was a complete control freak? (the type you would have to rugby tackle for the remote control) May be it’s the fact I’m not good at listening when I’m being shouted at or that I’m not good at being told what to do? No, it was his inability to get it up because I insisted he wear a condom! Jeez!

I had an epiphany, like an out of body experience, looking down on this truly ridiculous situation and wondering “how did it come to this?”……………..

I suggest you put the kettle on and get comfortable while I explain………..I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Miss me? Hee hee.

In case you were wondering how that little encounter ended, I pretty much got dressed and got the hell out of there and ignored his subsequent texts! Even as a casual encounter I needed a friend with benefits not a friend with erectile dysfunction! (My rabbit doesn’t have this problem and it doesn’t shout at me).

So let’s start at the beginning, late last year I met a guy from London who seemed really social, happy and funny. Late thirties, my height and fit. He collected classic cars, had his own place and was handy around the house too as he had built his own loft extension. Sounds perfect right? Wow how wrong first impressions can be!

Let’s put it this way never before have I had to apologise to anyone for getting drunk and sleeping with them or ever had any regrets! (Not on a first date I hasten to add!) I woke up the next morning feeling quite depressed – seriously not how you should be feeling at this stage.  Probably because he now freely admitted that the first few meetings had been a façade and that in reality he was not a happy person. He was short tempered, was awaiting a disciplinary meeting at work for which he was pretty sure he would be fired and moody at my lack of affection – just because I asked him to stop stroking my hair! Lol. I’m sorry it doesn’t do it for me????! That does not mean I’m not affectionate? What is it with men? They find something that some woman at some point in their life liked and assume all women are the same and the ones that are not are weird?  (Who knows may be I am?!).

After he had left I used the fact that as he was going to be travelling abroad for the entire month of January, and the lead up to Christmas was going to be busy for me as an excuse that I didn’t see the point of starting something. OMG he went mental! Screaming If that was how I felt I should never had slept with him, you don’t sleep with someone unless you intend to see it through to the long term???, like seriously? He had turned into…………………….. a girl?!

My bad I thought it took “two to tango?” Apparently not, it was “all my fault”, I had had my fun (his words not mine).  At this point I did get a bit annoyed with him as I wasn’t “looking for fun” I was looking for the right guy………..and he was simply not it.

For the record, I’ve not got drunk on any subsequent dates or slept with anybody else! Lesson well and truly learned!

So after a 3 week break from dating followed by a horrific Christmas with car trouble, issues at work and only getting to spend one day with my loved ones. I made the decision it was time to make some changes, one of which was to get back out there and find a new man. So Boxing Day I spruced up my free online dating profile, added some pictures and went on what can only be described as a dating marathon.

Talking purely statistically here, since setting up the profile on Boxing day and April when I quit the site, there were in excess of 700 emails received, over 250 “meet me” requests – (despite stating on my profile that I do not respond to “meet me” requests – men obviously don’t pay any attention).

The email frenzy resulted in 17 dates with 13 different men, 4 cancelled dates (one by me!) and a semi broken heart!

People are always telling me “it’s a numbers game” and you have to “put yourself out there”. Well I do believe I tested the theory to the full? For the first 6 weeks of the year I was “out there”. Actually scratch that – for 4 weeks I went on multiple dates, the last 2 weeks I wasted on date number 11 thinking he was going to be different?.................I was wrong L

There was the Estate Agent (well he part owned an estate agency), drove a rather nice convertible Audi. Lived local and was quite fit. It transpired he had 2 children by 2 different women, neither of which were his ex wife. (I do pick them). He thought it appropriate to answer a call from one of his ex’s while on the date (asking me to keep quiet – like seriously???). Then getting annoyed with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him on a first date?.  (Certainly a keeper!). 

He proceeded to tell me that he couldn’t possibly date me as I would “need to get in line” (as in be submissive) and I’d obviously never do that?! Once we had established that this wasn’t going to go any further, we relaxed and chatted and it turns out he had lied about his age, he was early 40’s not late 30 and had cheated on all of his ex partners and didn’t believe in monogamy? Wow! Yes ladies these men do exist and they sound “normal” on their online profile!

A couple of days later I met up with a guy who worked for Sky, bit young (early Thirties), did a lot of kickboxing (I do have a thing for martial arts!).  Sweet but quite quiet – and not just because he couldn’t get a word in edgeways! Lol. It turns out the guy from Sky who had told me he wasn’t insured to install a wire over my roof so I can watch and record programs at the same time was lying to me as he probably couldn’t be bothered! Charming! Now we know. Sky will be getting a complaint! We did arrange a second date but he cancelled and I didn’t pursue it.

Then there was the guy who had spent hours composing an initial email to me, so long that the half of it was missing as he had gone over the email limit! Lol. At first glance I thought maybe it was a copy and paste jobby but as I read it I realised he had read my profile and analysed it and was showing me how much we could have in common while maintaining a sense of humour.  I suppose I should have realised that this man was making too much effort? The day of the date I was a bit perplexed to realise that he had removed all his profile wording and pictures before our date. I suppose that should have been an alarm bell but sticking to my New Year’s resolution of making an effort, we met on New Year’s day.

I’m so embarrassing, I showed up at the pub and some guy opens the door for me and I thanked him and walked straight through not realising this was my date! Lol. In my defence as he had only one profile picture and as he had taken it down before the date, it wasn’t really my fault I didn’t recognise him!

He told me he had once quit a gym as the Jacuzzi was no longer working and he wasn’t happy about it? I hope he was joking? I’m really not sure! Lol.  He then asked me if I was a vegetarian as his ex was and he found this frustrating and said he hoped I wasn’t one of “those people” who believe “their body is a temple”.  For the record my body is not a temple, however I do exercise and try to eat healthily, I’m not obsessive about it but I do look after myself and I don’t see anything wrong with that?.  I don’t care if the guy I meet isn’t into the gym, as long as he doesn’t mind that I am.

We just weren’t compatible. I did feel really bad about it though as he had made his mind up that we were perfect for each other before even meeting me? He had come out of a 20 year relationship and really didn’t know what he was doing. I didn’t sleep well that night. I hope I didn’t put him off dating for good.

What followed was 2 weeks of dating 2 different guys (both from the same town – not mine! Lol). Both very different with good and bad points. The Environmentalist was the one I liked, mainly because our long term goals were the same and he was just my type, my height, dark hair, blue eyes. The only issue I had with him was his lack of social media communication skills ie – texting – he hated it (Is this the case for all men in their mid 40’s or just the ones I meet?). I was limited to 2 texts a day and if I so much as dared to go over this quota, I would have to wait overnight for a response! Very frustrating. He cancelled our third date at the last minute which really annoyed me and as he wasn’t making enough effort I left that one be.

The other guy was a quantity surveyor but was just too nice, I didn’t get his sense of humour  (which is really important to me). He was too willing to change everything about himself to make us “fit” which eventually he would have resented me for. This reminded me too much of my ex and I knew he would quickly get on my nerves and he deserved better than me so I ended that one. (both on the same weekend! Jeez).

The following week I met a Martial Arts instructor. I have to admit I wasn’t instantly attracted to him but after 14 hours of talking (3 where I fell asleep) I was pretty smitten. I suppose it was just nice to meet someone I could connect with and talk to? It reminded me of how it used to be with my long term ex, we could stay up all night just talking, putting the world to rights. It made me realise that this is what I want, not just a man but a best friend, someone I can be me with, someone I can’t wait to find out all about. Someone I can’t wait to see.

A week later on the day of our next date he cancelled saying his daughter was sick, sounded pretty genuine as he had been texting constantly up to midnight the night before. Later that evening and the next evening he was a bit distant and I found out that he had reworded and updated his online profile and added more photos. Not the actions of a man who feels the same way about me?. Have to admit it hurt more that he didn’t have the balls to just tell me he had lost interest? There was no commitment here, I would have been alright with that, surprisingly I wasn’t ok with being treated like this. I cried for 3 days!

After a couple of weeks off I decided I wasn’t going to let him put me off dating so I carried on in my crusade to find Mr Right.

Ok so this is where I get quite crude so please feel free to skip the next paragraph………….

During this time I met a guy who wanted to know what dress size I was, because if I was over a size 12 he wouldn’t fancy me so didn’t want to waste his time on a date?.  Erm I think I would have been less offended if he had asked my weight? Besides I don’t know what dress size I am, it is dependent on the shop?. I was so tempted to retort by asking how big his dick was because if it was anything less than 10 inches I wouldn’t fancy him and didn’t want to waste my time on a date! Aargh.

There was the man obsessed with wax jobs, like seriously of all the things we can talk about this is what you’re gonna focus on??! Advising me that he believed a woman should be waxed “down there” at all times? So apart from the expense of a Hollywood wax, can someone tell me what happens in the 2 weeks leading up to it, when you have to grow? Add to that the few days when you’re on your period so what you get sex for a week in a month???! I don’t think so!

The guy who told me he had a thick 9 inch penis  – for the record if true (and no I didn’t bother to find out) that really puts me off?! I wouldn’t know what to do with it? I can’t get that in my mouth and I’m a lot of things but a bucket I am not! Besides how immature are you that you think this is all you need to impress a woman??!

Also why do so many single men in their 30’s have cats? What’s that about? I have nothing against cats, I love the furry, fluffy kind but not being funny I don’t want them in bed with me? Call me territorial but I want to be the only pussy in the bed!

Moving swiftly on……..

There was the Asian guy who said I was boring because I went to bed by 11ish every night and didn’t want to talk to him after this time, had he had anything interesting to talk about I’m sure I would have stayed awake?!

There was the guy who gave me the impression that he liked to watch people while they were unaware? The first time was when I arrived for our first date at London Bridge, I was at the meeting point and couldn’t see him so called his mobile and he had been there watching me with a hoody on so I wouldn’t recognise him? I could be wrong, may be he wanted to make sure I looked like my pictures and if not would have made a hasty exit?

The second time he did this was showing up for a date at mine 45 minutes early, even though he had sat nav and had called an hour and a half before to give me a time? Not sure if he was expecting to catch me out at something? Which he did I was having a nap! Lol. He was not impressed and wanted to know what I had been up to, to tire myself out enough to need a nap. I wasn’t swinging from the chandeliers I had spent 5 hours cleaning the house. Twat!

There were men who had issues with food, the man who lectured me on eating Hash browns but had no issues with stuffing Cornish pasties himself? Like seriously? The guy who got in a strop when I asked if I could pop into a TK Maxx for 5 minutes to look at a bag but thought it ok to spend half an hour himself in a phone shop?. Talk about double standards.

Thinking I could date a Vegan after dating my ex who was a vegetarian was a big mistake, they can’t eat anything?! In my defence he didn’t tell me this until after I had agreed the date? He was like I’m not a fussy eater but I don’t eat meat, fish or diary?!” WTF???! I didn’t realise how many products have milk as an ingredient. Half the vegetarian meals in the supermarkets contain milk! I found myself obsessively scrutinising food labels, its no life! For the foreseeable future I would prefer a meat eater I think!

A month later Mr 14 hour date was back, probably having realised that may be he had been hasty and should have got to know me better first time round? As my other dates hadn’t amounted to much, I finally agreed to another date (I did make him wait 2 weeks while I dated other people!) In my infinite wisdom I thought what’s the worst that can happen? Turned out he wasn’t the one, after prioritising every other aspect of his life over me, I realised that I had fallen into my usual trap of trying to date a man who just didn’t have time to date.

You know the type who like the idea of being in a relationship but not the reality? I should know I used to be this person.

Realistically if I look back at the last few boyfriends, they have had many similarities, they were all into fitness, all self employed which meant they worked long hours or 2 jobs, they all worked with children and they all did not have time for me.  I’m not saying I need to see you every day but once a week wold be nice especially at the beginning when we’re getting to know each other?.

I can’t keep making the same mistakes over and over. There has got to come a time where you sit back and realise where you are going wrong and try to steer your life down a different path.

So for the last 6 weeks I took a break, I quit dating, I took down my profile, I socialised with my friends and family, I spent a blissful week sunbathing in Portugal where I ate my body weight in cake (that felt sooo good!). I came back refreshed with a gorgeous tan, ready to take on the world.

This is where I am now. As we start the month of June on the cusp of what will hopefully be a hot summer I’m at the biggest crossroads of my life. Finally at the realisation that now, possibly for the first time in over 10 years, I’m ready to meet the right man and settle down, with the feeling of unease at the possibility that I may have left it too long and that in the man pool that exists there are no normal ones left. Which if true is such a shame as I feel I have a lot to offer to the right person, I just need to find him…………..

Dammit I think the time may have come to join a proper reputable dating site – one I have to pay for - gasp!

So wish me luck, I reckon I'm gonna need it! Thanks for reading! :) xx 

Broken Rabbits, FightKlub addiction and what happen's in Eygpt doesn't quite stay in Eygpt..............

Is it a coincidence that my rabbit died the week after I realised it was my longest sustained relationship I've had in the last 5 years? Probably not. It still vibrates but no longer twirls. This is not a good thing.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Did you miss me???

I can't believe its August already, I've been single for what feels like forever, I've successfully avoided my ex's facebook for nearly 3 months (harder than you'd think) I've also been free from the dating sites since March, I got sick of meeting weirdos and perverts, are there no normal men left out there? If they don't have a foot fetish, they're Christian Grey wannabes or my latest conquest? Wanting me to talk dirty to him? I'm all up for sexting when you're apart, I have no problem with that as I'm a natural flirt but mid sex? Like seriously? Isn't that a bit like hard work? You seriously want me to stop to think of something to say? Lol. Not being funny but I don't really want to take the focus off what I'm doing? For my pleasure as well as yours obviously?

He did have a fabulous job, a beautiful apartment, impeccable taste in furnishings, gorgeous ocd kitchen, super fluffy towels and even posh toilet roll (how sad is it that I notice these things?) but that's not enough is it?

In case you were wondering I didn't see him again - not just because I couldn't think of something dirty to text while washing my hair, like seriously there is a time and a place but because he showed absolutely no interest in me, I think he spent too much time loving himself and to be honest he only really had one thing going for him!

If I'm not careful I'll become a born again virgin hurtling towards 40 like there's no tomorrow! Eek! I'm already spending all my spare time decorating my house and gardening! Whatever next? Buying a cat, a cottage and becoming a spinster?.

Elsewhere on the man front its been a pretty tough year so far, I've watched men I've dated briefly or fancied from a distance all find new partners and live happily ever after. Though strangely enough the one who got married didn't bother me at all? Weird don't you think especially as I spent four years of my life with that one? I'm more bothered about the men who had no idea I liked them, the elusive ones that got away including the guy I sold a house to several years ago and managed to fall completely under his spell in a 25 minute appointment? He could talk more than me and that's not easy! I obsessed over him for months never actually building up the courage to go talk to him in my gym. As life would have it I now work out weekly with his fiancee - and she's super fit, shame about the face! Meow! Lol.

So with no man on the horizon and in all fairness no time for one I switched my focus to spending time with my friends and family and my latest exercise addiction - FIGHTKLUB!! (FK) I know I mentioned it back in November of last year but I only actually started the classes in March and I have to say it is sooo much fun. It's an adrenaline packed, thoroughly exhausting but highly enjoyable hour of your life spent kicking and punching the bejesus out of a bag. Who knew punching a bag could be this much fun? I don't know if it's the really loud music that gets my heart pumping, my best friend punching right there with me or Chrissy Harper (fitness instructor extraordinaire) shouting how many, how many, to us. Whatever it is, it is incredibly addictive and I can't get enough.

To the extent I have handed my notice in at my gym, after 7 years membership - 2 and a half years solely doing classes I've decided the time has come for a change, I'm pushing my body too hard doing 5 - 6 classes a week (3 of which are usually body combat which is a high intensity work out plus FK). Turns out my body and my bank balance can't handle it!

Obviously I can't give up the gym classes all together so as well as regular bag boxing in FK, I've joined a smaller gym and will be doing pilates and Thai bo. It means the end of Body combat after 2 and a half years. Gasp. I think it is time. (though in all honesty if it wasn't for FK which is essentially Body Combat but at the next level I would never have contemplated quitting my gym). In a strange way as I was introduced to Body Combat by my ex it's a bit like laying the ghost to rest and moving on with my life. Like I said it's time for a change.

I've also enrolled on a nutritionist and dietitian course and am considering topping this up with a personal trainer course at the same time  I want to learn how to balance the exercise with diet rather than eat as much as I do and have to work my arse off in the gym, there has to be a better balance . Hopefully by this time next year I'll have the knowledge to be able to get my body into proper shape for some serious bikini beach action!. Woohoo.

What else have I been doing? Well we had a girlie holiday in June to Egypt with 4 of my closest friends.
We had a bumpy start to the holiday as I hadn't thought to book seats online so we all ended up having to sit separately on the plane. This was followed by a row with the check in lady who was trying to persuade me to place my hand luggage in the hold luggage? I have no idea why as it was well within the weight and size restrictions but she was adamant that as it was a full flight it may be difficult to find a locker on board? Not being funny love but I was charged for having hand luggage so i'm taking hand luggage? Never mind the fact my money, passport, credit cards, insurance details, contacts, glasses and make up ie all my essential items were all in that bag and I had no padlock for it? I stood my ground and once on board found that the locker was empty any way so she stressed me out for no reason, then we had the debacle of the missing veggie meals on board? Offering a bacon breakfast at midday to a vegetarian and a Muslim?  Wasn't Monarch's finest hour!

We made it to our beautiful 5 start hotel complex in Soho Sqaure surrounded by gorgeous palm trees, a choice of 7 swimming pools, 3 bars, a gym and a Spa with a jacuzzi, hot tub and a free treatment each.

Like I said I was on holiday with 4 of my closest friends including my nutty cousin. She was hilarious, she's so excitable and gets up really, really early, so we ended up sharing a room. On the first morning there I was too scared to turn over to check the time as I could sense that any small movement from me would be enough for her to think I'm awake and start jumping up n down on the bed with excitement!

She went out to find English people to talk to on the first day and came back an hour later deflated that I had taken her to a hotel full of German's! She had no one to talk to, I laughed so hard. Obviously there were plenty of British people, it just took her a few hours to seek them out! I hardly saw her for the rest of the week!

The week started really well, I introduced my friends (all married apart from me & my cousin) to tequilla shots and then interrogated them to find out whether it's worth finding a man to marry or if i'm better off alone. The jury's still out on that one!

I enjoyed going into the Naama Bay which was buzzing with people, live acts, food stalls and shopping opportunities galore. I got to stroke a camel! We checked out the bars in town, followed by late night falafels! We spent time chatting, reading, sunbathing (me more than the others) and swimming, I even went to the gym (sad I know) we went handbag shopping and we did a lot of eating.  (whoever invented mini puds is a genius). I was quite good and avoided them for about 3 days after which I ate everything in sight! We were warned about Egypt's reputation for tummy bugs and I watched my friends take all the precautions of avoiding the salad bar, water and using hand sanitiser like there was no tomorrow while I just ate everything especially the fresh fruit and salad. I then watched my friends one by one get ill, never mind sun, sea and sex it was more like sun, sea and A & E! lol. Two of them lost a day bed ridden which was awful.

I've never spent so much time being too scared to fart in case you follow through?! I didn't have a proper dodgy stomach but as every body in the hotel around me did it made you very paranoid that you could be next! (Sorry too much detail??). I wasn't actually ill until I got back to the UK to the sanctity of my house. Thank god I live alone, that is all I'm saying!

So even though Eygpt was beautiful I probably wouldn't go back. I have a stomach of steel and for me to get ill is unheard of! I'm thinking may be Portugal next year?!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my friends who are like family to me for taking time out of their busy lives leaving their kids and hubbies at home to come on holiday with me. You know how much you all mean to me and I love you loads.

Thank you for reading :) xx

A new month, a new dating site and some new men? Why not, whats the worse that can happen?

I wonder when the novelty of writing a blog in bed will wear off? I have to say right now? I'm loving the freedom of  having a new laptop. Yes my home computer finally bit the dust, I have had it five years so I suppose we had a good run.

So here I am on a Sunday afternoon doing what I do best. Carrie Bradshaw eat your heart out! After having to cancel the record breaking, speed dating charity event, in Kent, due to snow I decided to joined a mainstream online dating site, I joined E Harmony.

At first glance its looks great, you fill out information to specify what you are looking for in a potential partner, (this bit was easy). The bit I found hard was the section about what I am not willing to compromise on and what I will not accept in a partner. This is where it got quite complex and slightly comical. I was given 30ish traits and I was only permitted to pick ten. It got to the stage where I had to choice between a partner who is openly racist or someone who is physically abusive? I mean like hello? Apart from anything else who is going to complete a form to say yes I am a racist arrogant pig and I like to beat up women??? Do the "team of psychologists" then think - oh actually I don't think this man is suited to Nosh?? Jeez.

The other downside to E Harmony is the cost, at approximately £35.00 a month it is quite expensive (they will argue this is comparable to other sites in the industry and they are not wrong), however the other sites do not expect you to pay for three months in a row upfront in one lump sum! Any one got a spare £100.00?  Also the claim on the adverts on telly that you can "review your matches for free" fails to highlight the fact that you can view their profile but not their picture and as anyone who has ever tried online dating will know, that after a few minutes all the profiles start to sound pretty much the same.

I don't want to waste my time talking to someone who I may not find physically attractive, yes that may sound shallow but you have to bear in mind that any potential boyfriend will have to be someone you're willing to jump into bed with at some stage in the future and no I don't have sex with the lights off! So yes they may have a well paid job, be well travelled and believe they have a great personality but if they're a minger its not gonna work!

So after uploading a couple of pictures and writing a brief description of myself and my interests I began the task of finding my Mr Right.  Another thing I don't like about this dating site is the complexity of it, it took me a while to find my way around the site and be able to initialise communication with its members. It took me a further couple of days to work out that people had sent me emails!

They are big believers in "guided communication" ie you send someone you're interested in an "ice breaker" trying to pick one that didn't make me sound like a twat - "you're profile made me smile" or "why don't you fill out your about me section?" made me want to vomit and besides its just not me.

I went with "do you want to chat?" which didn't really yield much response, may be they just blatantly didn't?! The next stage is "guided communication" you send your potential match 5 questions and from their answers you can decide whether you wish to take this any further. I suppose this makes sense, I mean if a guy responds that he does not believe in living together before marriage (yes that was a question) then he's insane and I'm not interested so I suppose this is good to get out of the way in the first round rather than six months down the line.

I eventually worked out how to send an email direct and it turns out that even after you do this it is up to the recipient if they are willing to accept communication in this method or prefer the guided version. WTF??? Seriously if you can't configurate an email now, how on earth are you planning on communicating with me in person?. Aaaaaaaaargh.

Anyway it turns out I did better by emailing people than sending icebreakers or guided communication and it transpires that there are some genuine and normal men out there. One of the first emails I received was titled "De ja Vu" and was from a guy I had been on a date with 18 months previously (through a free site). He was from London and we had met in Brighton for a drink but I found that I needed a drink to enjoy his company? Don't know if you guys remember? (I did blog it at the time!). Any way we never had a second date because he decided to date someone he already knew, bearing in mind he was still "friends" with his exes I assume it was one of them that didn't like the idea of him dating someone else!. So when he contacted me I thought what the hell, what's the worse that can happen?. For those of you know me well, you know I hate dating, so the prospect of dating someone I'd already met was ok for me and I thought it would help to get me back into the dating game. (It has been four months - gasp).

He wanted to meet in Brighton (as he was house sitting for his parents) and suggested we try a pub called the Old Bank which is renown for it's ribs and steak and he boasted he was gonna eat a 7oz one or something. (I'm not a huge fan of steak - it takes 2 days to get out of your system and that freaks me out but I can always find something I like on the menu).

So we met up in Brighton on a very rare, beautiful, sunny Sunday, it was the day of the half marathon so I knew the place would be buzzing. I arrived by train to be greeted by my date and was escorted to a crappy pub across the road from the station? You have to bear in mind it was nearly 3pm by now and I'd had breakfast at 9.00 so I didn't particularly need to go for a drink before going for food. It then hit me, we weren't having any food? What happened to the nice pub and the steak I'd been promised? To be honest the conversation didn't fair much better and I spent the whole time trying to work out why I didn't fancy him, may be it was because I was starving and couldn't think straight?

I got to the stage where I was now resentful that it was the first beautiful day of the year (it was actually warm in the sunshine) and instead of going for a walk to explore the town, or go to the pier or a coffee shop, I was held hostage in a dingy pub?. I would have been happy with fish and chips and a stroll on the beach? We concluded the date by agreeing to go out for dinner (really?) the following weekend but by the time I got home I had decided I couldn't bear another date so I told him I was sorry but I didn't think there was any chemistry. (That old chestnut!)

Moving on I spent a few days discounting men with big noses, big foreheads, bushy eyebrows, weird chins, believe me even I didn't realise how fussy I am.

I had some Asian guy send me an "ice breaker" I wasn't sure because I don't normally date Asian men as I find them quite "guarded" and I'm so out of touch with the culture it makes dating weird. I thought no, I'm gonna make an effort, I'm hurtling towards 40 and may be an Asian guy is the way to go? I was wrong! I sent this guy a casual, hi how's your weekend email and FOUR days later he responded with "ok how's yours?" Well I don't know it was four days ago, I've moved on and I'm planning this weekend now! Any way I responded by asking him, how long he had been single, how long he'd been on the site and how he was finding it. To me, this is basic communication, giving the person something to say and an opportunity to ask me about myself. Also you can tell a lot about a person by how honest and upfront they are.

Three days later he responded with "So many question I don't know where to start...............

Literally?! That was it? How about answering one of them? How about asking me something you twat????!! I admit I lost my temper and decided he was such a time waster I was going to respond to tell him that I'm looking for a man who can communicate and I think we are wasting our time but that I wished him luck anyway.

He went mental!. He sent me a message saying and I quote "Love, sorry to rain on your parade but I'm actually very communicative but only with those who I can be bothered with and find vaguely attractive, unfortunately you fall short in both catergories"

OMG - Erm yeah. To be honest I think this was quite nasty but I'm comfortable with who I am and what I have to offer so he didn't phase me. So here's a bit of advice to all men out there, if you're not interested in someone on a dating site, don't contact them, its that simple really? As for this gem of a man all I have to say is that his profile picture was black and white (enough said) Also even though this blatantly showed an Asian man, he had catogorised himself as Caucasian. I'm working on the assumption that he wasn't thick (though anything is possible). He probably don't do Asian girls? Or may be I just wasn't his type, so do us all a favour and do one you moron!. I did respond with a basic, OMG you joined a dating site to be rude to women? and politely asking him never to contact me again. Another problem with E Harmony is that you can not block a member and stop them from contacting you. (He didn't thank god) but this could easily have got nasty.

Moving on, I've since be chatting to a couple of guys (neither of them Asian) both from London, both quite different with their approach and interests and I've decided to go on a date with both of them!

The first is a 36 year old retail buyer from Kingston, cheeky, flirty and has a gorgeous smile. He's into BMF (British Military Fitness) so fit! He seems a lot of fun, my only concern is that he seems to spend a lot of time out with various groups of friends having a drink but then again I do the same so we shall see.

The second is a 40 year old who has recently changed career from the IT industry to Psychotherapy (Will I EVER learn??? Obviously not, I'm destined to keep making the same mistakes over and over and wonder why it never works out but lets not be hasty here, may be this one won't be quite as f*cked up as the others??). He is also training for a half marathon, does a bit of boxing and has heard of Les Mills (and even done a class - yippee).

Any way due to unforeseen circumstances I'm now going on 2 separate dates, two days in a row, which I suppose might be quite useful as you can compare the two quite easily?.

This is the best time in dating, the bit when you are communicating but you haven't actually met yet, any thing is possible, one of them could be the one, who's to know?.

I'll leave it there for now as I prepare for a busy week. Wish me luck (I may need it!). Thank you for reading :) xx

From an expanding backside to a pregnancy scare to a late night cabaret show, there’s never a dull moment in NoshWorld. Happy New Year!

You wanna know what kind of week I’ve had? I’ve had the kind of week where the zip on my skirt keeps undoing itself at regular intervals. Blatantly I had one too many mince pies over Christmas? My arse is now soooo huge my skirt can’t contain it! Awesome!

Getting back into salad for lunch at work was a shock to the system as I’d been stuffing my face while I was off over Christmas and New Year. My body was like “What the fuck is this??? “Where’s my carbs???” “Where’s the bread???!” – Obviously all over my arse but lets not dwell on this!

Thankfully the skirt drama occurred the day after the pregnancy scare had been swiftly diverted because believe me, had my skirt done this little trick the day before, I would have been hysterical!

Note to self, don’t ask 4 friends whether it is possible to be pregnant even though you had your last period a few days after the last time you had sex. I had 2 “yes it is possible” and 2 “no not likely”. Dammit! For the record I wasn’t being a drama queen, I was 10 days late by this stage (and I’m never late). By my calculations (and I am in accounts so bear with me) that would make me approx 6 – 7 weeks gone, so surely you’d know by now?

Who’s the daddy? Fuck knows – its not that I put it about a lot, I hasten to add, its just I kinda slept with 2 different men in the space of a week, in my defence I am single and it was my birthday!

I suppose you’d have to wait and see, as it gets bigger if you can feel karate kicks/yoga moves and you’re simultaneously craving bean burgers, it could be my vegetarian ex’s?  Or equally badly, if the baby’s doing the highland fling in there and I’m craving haggis, then its gotta be the Scottish guy? Either way thankfully this little fantasy/nightmare was nipped in the bud by a cheapo pregnancy test bought from Sainsbury’s and carried out in the work toilets at lunch time. (Would have been an interesting afternoon had it gone the other way!)

Anyway 2013 has arrived with a bang! Happy New Year to you all! Despite an eye watering credit card bill 3 days before New Year (thanks Capital One) I still managed to see in the New Year with a blast. I took the unprecedented decision to avoid the nightclubs (gasp) and the drink (double gasp) and to drive to see a few of my friends and see the New Year in with people I care about rather than with a bunch of strangers. So when the clock struck midnight I was surrounded by some of my favourite people whom I’ve known for over 20 years and I have to say, it felt great!

New years resolutions were simple, get control of my finances by writing down all expenditure in my diary on a daily basis (so far so good). Also make a list of all tasks to be achieved on a daily basis in the diary so I don’t have to try to remember everything all the time (Helps me sleep) Stop sleeping with my ex’s to avoid any further pregnancy scares (so far so good). Put in extra hours at work to maximise potential of hitting my targets (we shall see). Write the blog on a more regular basis so it’s not a 10 page essay! (judge for yourself) Lastly do more fun stuff with my weekends and try not to feel guilty at missing the odd exercise class.

Well I’m off to a good start there! Friday night I ended up in London to see a midnight cabaret show at the Hippodrome casino with a couple of people from work and my fabulous nephew. It was great fun, I’m always amazed at the level of talent some people have. There was plenty of acrobatics, a backwards strip (weird but fascinating). The guy who was balancing upside down on a tray on top of five or six flat lying glass bottles on a table - while they rolled side to side? Scary!

There was the sword swallowing lady in a rubber suit (I couldn’t quite work out if her ample arse was real or a fake booty!). She was a bit extreme especially as she chopped up a cucumber mid air with the sword! There was the multi hula hooping Elvis impersonator,  I was surprised that he didn’t have a hotter body because hula hooping is an amazing work out and really hard to do – believe me I’ve tried it. You can tone with just one, while he was using up to 10-15 in the end which was visually stunning.

My favourite was the mime who acted out famous songs through facial impressions (which were hysterical) and hand gestures? (quite rude but very funny).  He had me laughing throughout. The host was also quite funny and started on my nephew who was brilliant and took the banter in his stride, my work mate was well impressed! Just as well really as we were sat right up next to the stage so were laying ducks! I was gutted when the show was over as I felt like I didn’t want to leave London yet. Obviously it had nothing to do the huge level of totty in the casino! Definitely a recommendation for a pulling ground for next time? (Huge sigh).

This week I’ve booked tickets to go to see “Salad Days” at the Riverside theatre so I’m quite excitable. Let’s just hope the snow stays away so I can get there.

On the exercise front Body Combat 54 was launched last week and I was elated when our Monday night instructor Steve surprised us all by knowing the new routine (he’s usually a couple of weeks behind). The elation was fastly contradicted by the realisation that damn, BC54 is hard! Also I was pleased to see that they have fitted in a new cxworx class in the New Years timetable so I can now get this awesome core workout too! Perhaps a new body in time for my summer holiday?. Let’s hope so!

On the movie front - I did something amazing - for the first time ever I went to watch a movie all on my own – gasp (it was during the day on my day off!) It wasn’t because I couldn’t find someone to go with, it was because I couldn’t be bothered to try to fit it around any one else at short notice. So off I went, bought a big cup of tea and some toasted fruit bread from Starbucks and watched Pitch Perfect which was brilliant! I really enjoyed it and I was pleased to see that I wasn’t the only one on my own in there! It was weird walking out on your own though but other than that I thoroughly enjoyed myself and would totally recommend it!. (The movie and the going alone).

I went to see Jack Reacher with my cousin which was very good and I enjoyed it even though I’m not a huge Tom Cruise fan. Apparently if you’ve read the book you may be disappointed but I think that’s a given with any film based on a book as no film can ever compete with a book readers imagination. (Though I’m hoping 50 shades will!).

We also saw – “Playing for Keeps” but I didn’t really think much of the story? It’s like they spent so much money on a star studded cast they forgot about the storyline?. Sorry Gerard Butler!

Elsewhere in NoshWorld I have been watching a fair bit of dating television. Did any one notice the guy on “Take Me Out” who had a blatant love bite on his neck???! It was really funny because it disappeared after the break – amazing what a bit of concealer can achieve!

The Love Machine is back though I was disappointed that the men in the audience were hotter than the men in the machine! (Not that I’m fussy or anything!).

I was beyond excited at the second series of “The Undateables” I saw the first episode last week and though not as good as the first series, it did concern me that these people believed all their problems would be resolved just by meeting someone and that being in love was everything to them? May be I’m just a 30 something cynic but to me a relationship is never the answer to all your problems. It may solve a few but from experience I’d expect a whole new host of them! The guy who’s tourettes got out of control after he was dumped by his long term girlfriend says he can control it better when he’s in a relationship and happy, made me wonder why he can’t be happy single and control it that way?. Surely its psychological warfare to pin your entire future happiness on having something which is basically out of your control?.

  

Though I did think the guy with autism who went speed dating with a bagful of business cards was a genius! Why have I never thought of that? Lol!

I also watched Channel Four’s “Secret to a good marriage” (which to me is surely a good man?). Apparently in one of the cases the secret was for the woman to know her place – nice. She had basically given up on all her rights to make decisions etc for a peaceful life and she seemed ok with this. I wanted to knock her husband out, but then that’s just who I am!

I was shocked by the man who said that it was every man’s fantasy to date an older woman, which is fair enough but this woman was 32 years older than him and he met her when he was 18?  Then again what do I know? They’ve been happily in a relationship for 13 years! Though she did come across a bit of a mother figure and the thought that they sleep together made me quite quesy!

Then there was the woman who’s secret to a good marriage was infidelity? Really? She said her husband was aware of her affairs and he wasn’t interested in sex so accepted the fact she had to get it elsewhere? She was adamant it’s not cheating if your husband knows about it? Erm sorry I have to disagree!

They said it was normal for sex to cease in a marriage? The went on to say if you put a penny in jar for every time you had sex in the first year of a marriage and then took out a penny for every time you had sex in subsequent years the jar would never be empty? OMG! To me I don’t see the point of getting married if it means I’ll never get to have sex again? Why do we spend all this time and energy on trying to find the right person to spend your life with if at the end of it you have to give up sex? I don’t want to do that, like ever!

Moving swiftly on, I’ve not given up on dating but not much to report on the dating front at the moment other than I’ve made the decision to come off the free dating site which I have concluded is full of weirdo’s and men just wanting attention through email or just wanting sex. (Point proved New Years day when the guy I’d been speaking to agreed to a date and then disappeared with my phone number without sorting out the details). I intend to join a proper paying site possibly next month after I’ve done some research into the pros and cons of the different sites.

In the meantime I am attending a Kent based dating site’s birthday celebrations next weekend, where they are attempting to hold a record breaking speed dating event (300 dates) for charity! I’m quite excited though I have no idea how it will all work as there are no age restrictions but suddenly the thought of printing out several business cards doesn’t seem like such a bad idea!

Wish me luck, I may need it! Have a good week all :) xx

Wedding, funeral, dating, birthday and Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. Never a dull moment in NoshWorld!

There’s nothing worse than walking into the line of fire of someone else’s fart, like seriously its bad enough when they’re your own but someone else’s is enough to make you gag. This one in question came from the arse of a small child which makes you wonder what the hell is his mother feeding him?......

Greetings from NoshWorld. Sorry I know it’s taken me ages to write. So I'm gonna (briefly) fit in 3 months in one blog? I suggest you make a cuppa or pour a glass of wine and get comfortable!

Firstly let me start by thanking everyone who emailed and text me to offer to apply for the position of my next FWB! In all seriousness that was not the point of the last blog, but thanks anyway it did make me giggle!

So September saw the last BBQ of the year courtesy of my fabulous cousin. I showed up with my sprite zero and skimmed milk (I was taking my diet seriously) and then stuffed my face on kebabs and cake (obviously not that seriously!) There was logic in there somewhere!

September also saw the end of my love affair with Christian Grey (huge sigh) and what an affair it was! I miss him dearly! I have to be honest I had really hoped she would leave the ending open for future books but she kind of ruined that with the epilogue. (Why? oh why?, oh why??!!)  I wanted more!! (Story of my life - Dammit!)

Moving on I only managed to see a couple of movies in September, the new brad Pitt one “Killing me softly” which was so bad I wish somebody would! I actually walked out half way through because I couldn't bear to waste another minute of my life in there! I've been told it’s had mixed reviews and its like Marmite  you either love it or you hate it. I hate both!

I tell you what I did love however? I loved “Looper” – It was an awesome adrenaline fuelled roller-coaster ride which left you continuously trying to work out how it was going end. All I’m going to say is I’m surprised that little kid didn't give me nightmares! Lol! Bruce Willis – still got it baby! Still looking hot blowing away the bad guys with your massive sub-machine guns. I bet he loves still being able to do action movies. I’m also very excited that he’s doing another Die Hard movie which is coming out on Valentines day! Three guesses where I’m gonna be! Woohoo.

Lastly September saw me desperately trying to shift a few pounds by increasing my exercise regime. (mainly because I love food and can’t give it up) I spent 2 weeks thrashing it out at the gym – 15 classes to be precise – the result? I put on 2 pounds! Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!! I was not impressed.

October was a strange month, one weekend I’m celebrating one of my favourite school friend’s wedding held at the stunning Waldorf Hilton Hotel in London. Which involved a scrumptious feast of a variety of vegetarian curry on a “lazy Susan” – how awesome is that??? Copious amounts of alcohol were consumed and the evening was topped off by some serious Bollywood dancing! Where else could you do this but at the Hilton???! I wish I could have videoed some of it, the mixture of guests from all races on the dance floor following the choreography of a little old lady showing us how its done was fantastic and truly worthy of a you tube video! .

I went from the joy of a wedding to the sadness of a funeral the following weekend. I had to make the 4 hour journey “up North” to Manchester to attend my Aunt’s funeral. The last time we were all together for a funeral was when my Dad died and I clearly remember these cousins showing up at our house and setting up camp in the lounge where we all slept for a few nights following the funeral. It was a mini adventure (I was six).  These were the people who came down to look after us because we had lost both parents in the space of a couple of months, they apparently helped my sister’s make arrangements for our future.

With this in mind there was no question in my mind as to whether we were going to be at this funeral, so on few hours notice I set off (the night before the funeral) with my sister and her husband and planned to stay in a hotel mid way. I had to be sneaked into a hotel room because we were too cheap to pay for 2 rooms. (We can be so bloody Asian sometimes!) In fairness they were £65.00 each for what I would class as pretty basic facilities.

The original plan was for my sister and her hubby to check in together while I hide in the car, then my brother in law would come out to get something from the car and go back in with me? Bearing in mind there is a 12 year age gap between me and my sister, we are different builds and had different clothing on, the receptionist would have to be pissed to fall for it!

There was talk of climbing in from a window (the room was on the ground floor) but I’d had a glass of wine to steady my nerves by this stage and was rather tipsy so that plan was aborted, instead we had to wait for the receptionist to change shifts so I could go in through the entrance bold as brass like I was a paying guest! Cue my walking into the automatic door which didn’t automatically open – I do like to make an entrance, so much for keeping a low profile!

Once safely In the room I ended up sleeping on the floor – well I tried to sleep but even my earplugs couldn’t drown out a “certain someone’s” snoring! Lol. To make matters worse during the night I managed to twist my neck so badly that I couldn’t move it! Apparently sleeping on the floor isn’t good for you? Go figure, either that or I’m getting old!

So off we headed the following morning, (me facing forward at all times) and managed to get through the funeral. We spent a good few hours catching up with my cousins who despite losing their mother still managed to maintain their sense of humour. What else can you do in such a situation?. I have to say I was really pleased we had made the effort to say good bye to my aunt properly. It was a shame we couldn’t stay any longer but we all had to get back to work for the next day.

I was quite tearful on the journey home as it had been a long day with plenty of time for reflection and all I could think was at this rate by the time I get married most of my relatives will probably be dead! Lol!

So what followed in November was a month of dating, oh yeah baby. I talked to a few men and agreed to a date with a Scottish guy  (I’ve always been a sucker for accents!) He was just my type – dark hair, blue eyes, not too tall and quite fit, the irony that he lived around the corner wasn’t lost on me. (Even if I got snowed in we could walk to each others houses – awesome!!) Seriously after all this time looking for Mr Right – surely he couldn’t possibly live round the corner? If so how come our paths had never crossed? We both use the same small tescos for the odd pint of milk? We probably fill up our cars at the same petrol station? We were both at the Notting Hill carnival this year (with a few other thousand people – granted). He worked at Brannigans about the time I used to work at Ikon/Diva so we were in the same “scene” you could say?.  

Any way we had a few really good dates including a night of take out while watching “Take me out” – how cute is that???! For our third date we went to watch the new Bond Movie (at my suggestion) – I have a confession to make, I'm a Bond virgin – gasp. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at how good this movie was, Daniel Craig was gorgeous, there was plenty of action, fast cars, a few gadgets, awesome explosions, and some proper British humour which was something I wasn’t expecting. So now I've got to go through the back catalogue of them! I couldn't decide who was more hot, Daniel Craig or my date!

I was quite excited about the prospect of having him help me put up Christmas lights on the outside of my house and going Christmas shopping together to buy a reindeer (obviously not a real one!) which was something we had discussed. At last I’d met a man who was into Christmas as much as me! Woohoo..

My enthusiasm was short lived as unfortunately after a few dates his interest seemed to be waning and I felt he wasn't making enough effort and I decided I deserved better than that (sexy accent or no sexy accent) which was a real shame because I did really like him. Also to be honest I'm not sure we had much in common but then I don’t seem to have much in common with many men? I don’t watch soaps, I'm not into reality TV and I don’t eat fast food unless it’s a curry and I'm not sure that’s classed as fast?!

More importantly our schedules didn't match either, he was the kind of man that decides on the day whether he wants a date and I'm the kind of girl that has to plan what I'm doing at least a day in advance? I'm all up for spontaneity once in a while but I can’t live my whole life like that. I'm never gonna be the “beck and call” girl. In that scenario I may as well be your FWB not your girlfriend.

So unfortunately another one bites the dust but you can’t say I didn't make an effort this year? I just didn't meet the right one.

Besides there wasn't time for any more dating as the rest of November was spent celebrating my birthday which was spread out over 3 weekends, yes you heard me right, I'm getting too old to fit it all into one. One weekend was spent celebrating with my family, the second I had dinner out with my cousin, I had my friends round for cake and gossip which was really nice and I was so pleased that they all made such an effort for me. Later that evening I met up with an ex and went away to a hotel for the night – gasp. Well what’s a single gal to do?.

Last but not least the third weekend we had the big girlie night out clubbing in school uniform, my first time out in public in knee high socks! I have to say i was certainly lovely and warm even though it was freezing outside!

 Elsewhere in NoshWorld It’s been a gradual process but I've finally come back down in weight, though to be fair doing 6-7 classes a week was knackering me out. I swear this exercise malarkey isn't good for you, I seemed to be exercising my brain away! I kid you not, over the last few months I may have lost a few pounds but I reckon I've lost plenty of brain cells too. There were days I couldn't string a sentence together (let alone write the blog) – I was typing everything back to front  and I didn't even have pmt as an excuse!  I didn't have the energy to participate in lively discussions – gasp! (Well that’s one way to shut me up). However over the last few weeks, thanks to a schedule change at my gym, my coming down with man flu and a very busy social life, I seemed to have calmed down with the classes a bit and regained some brain functionality!

Though I am concerned as I can feel a whole new fitness addiction coming on – it’s called Fight Klub, it’s reached Crawley and it’s the next level in body combat because your punching and kicking a huge punch bag thing.

It was something I wanted to do in November at its Crawley launch but as it was a week before my birthday I decided it might be better to wait until after all the festivities because knowing my luck I'll go crazy and injure myself!

The hype surrounding the instructor (Chrissy Harper) has been spreading around my gym for the last couple of months, he’s supposed to be “hard core” and will definitely “put you through your paces” I was told.  He also teaches Body Combat and I was gutted to hear that our Saturday combat instructor was quitting and one of the classes she teaches at another gym is to be taken over by him. How unfair is that????!

So when my gym decided to increase its prices this week by 11% (I was not a happy bunny). I started to look around for a new gym and decided the best idea was to find out where this man is teaching. I bumped into one of the instructors at the doctors (where else) and she told me that as she’s taking over the Saturday class she has someone new coming in to try out her Tuesday class. Yep you've guessed it, it’s the Fight Klub legend!

So Tuesday night even though I was quite ill, (anti biotics in my hand) I went to combat because I could not miss this opportunity to see how good he really is. I was not disappointed!

I had been warned that he was quite pretty but I have to go on record to say he has got to be the most beautiful man I have ever seen in the flesh (either that or the drugs were working!). I have no words to describe this man other than hot! Gorgeous smile, fit body and teaches combat – what more do you need??? He did also live up to his reputation and it was a really good work out. (There was plenty of panting going on in the room and I'm not talking about me!!)

The view from the front row wasn't bad either though to be honest I couldn't look at him as it would put me off what I was doing!. Shame he’s not single though! Big sigh,

As luck would have it, there’s a possibility he may become a permanent feature at my gym so I predict a surge of class numbers come January and it’s nothing to do with peoples New Year’s resolutions! Lol! So it looks like I'll be staying at my gym for a little while longer! I'm just hoping he brings Fight Klub to our gym too as I won’t be able to afford to do that separately now and I’d really like to try it. Check out the link for the Fight Klub trailer on you tube -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRdc317Eask, How awesome does this look?!

So December arrived full throttle, .I went to the Winter Wonderland with my nephew and his friend and was very excitable by all the snow men. It was such a nice evening, walking around, looking at the lights, plenty of mulled wine and a really nice christmassy atmosphere.  It wasn't too busy as we got there quite late in the evening so it wasn't total chaos. What a perfect location for a date? May be I'll do that next year?

For the first time ever my company had a proper Christmas doooo. So last weekend we headed off to Wotton House in Dorking which I have to say was a stunning location. It is set in 20 acres of land, 13 acres of which is listed gardens so you can imagine how beautiful that is. Unfortunately due to the typical British weather (it was pissing it down) and the fact I had a cold I didn't get to explore the grounds the following morning like we had planned to.

I have to say though that I totally fell in love with the place, it’s such a beautiful location and perfect to get married in, now I've just got to find a man!

May be I'll add that to my Santa’s wish list? Please Santa bring me a man that I can walk down this aisle with, surrounded by my friends and family and live happily ever after? Is that too much to ask?  More than likely!

I know someone who'll be having a very Merry Christmas this year and that’s EL James! I was delighted to see that she has brought out a 50 shades “toy” kit available for delivery in time for Christmas! She’s our very own Mrs Claus delivering pleasure (or pain) to one and all! Not really my kind of thing though I'm up for a new rabbit? I am FWBless remember and I have been a very good girl this year – may be I'll add that to my Santa’s wish list too?. You know if you can’t find me a real man this has got to be the best alternative?.

Anyway Christmas Eve has arrived, I've finally finished work, my Christmas cookies went down well at work – no one lost a tooth and as far as I know everyone is still alive, so may be my baking isn’t too bad? All the gifts are wrapped, just got to pack my suitcase and head off to the countryside to spend Christmas with my lovely family with their special blend of humour.

I'm planning on driving down late to avoid the traffic so I'll be in my pj’s and Christmas hat, lets just hope I don’t get pulled over by the police for a random check!

So I'll take this opportunity to wish you all a fabulous Christmas, I hope you get everything you've asked for whether you have been naughty or nice. Thank you to all my friends and family for the support you have shown me this year. Much love to you all.  xx

August – A month of movies, 50 Shades, Secret Diary of a London Call Girl, the Notting Hill Carnival and sacking the FWB. Just another month in NoshWorld!

August was the first full month where I joined the rest of civilisation, working a five day week and having the weekends all to myself. I filled these with seeing as many of my friends and family as possible.

I joined Cineworld and watched several new releases including Magic Mike – OMG Channing Tatum – what a hotty, why haven’t I noticed him before??! Bumping n grinding on stage to a very hot RnB track (‘96 classic - Genuwine’s “Pony”) while stripping off his clothes to reveal a rippling muscled torso – makes me blush just thinking about it! There’s just something very sexy about a man who can dance like that (the stripping is just a bonus!) Low on storyline but high on thrills, would thoroughly recommend this to all the ladies (and the men into that sort of thing!).

I also watched Ted (very politically incorrect but very, very funny besides I’m a girl and I love teddies!), The Keith Lemon story (wrong on soooo many levels). I wasted 2 hours of my life watching the new Bourne movie - don’t bother – it’s the worst Bourne movie ever, (this coming from a huge fan) besides what’s the point of a Bourne movie without Jason Bourne aka Matt Damon???!. I’m pleading with the Directors to stop now before you ruin one of the best trilogies of all time.

Lastly for the first time in ten years I watched the latest Bollywood movie (Ek tha Tiger starring Salman Khan) I was surprisingly impressed with how far they have come, it was very Mr & Mrs Smith style, plenty of action and drama with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure and they didn’t burst into song every five minutes either. (They saved that for the rolling credits).

I plan on seeing many more this month - Let’s just say I like to get my money’s worth!

From the big screen, to the wonderful world of erotic fiction. I spent a month getting into EL James’ Fifty shades trilogy – I’m on the third one now and have slowed down a bit as I know it will all end soon and I’m just not ready to end my love affair with Christian Grey. What is it about this man? It could be his chiselled features or amazingly fit body? Or perhaps the Quadrillion pounds he has in the bank? Equally I love the way he wants to protect the woman he loves and will do anything for her, to keep her safe.

He does however have certain characteristics that turn me off - I don’t like the whole control freak situations and there have been times in the book where he really does over step the mark but in all honesty some of the mistakes he makes are no different to all men? They just think differently to women and don’t always appreciate what is classed as inappropriate? For example buying your girlfriend the same car you used to buy all your subs? (Even if it is an Audi!) And taking your girlfriend to one of the salons that you own but are run by your ex and even worse bumping into her there???!! (Even if she is a business partner?) MEN – will they ever understand???!

I’m also not sure about the ginger hair thing? In my imagination he has dark hair and blue eyes – that’s the beauty of books – you can change whatever you want to suit your own fantasy.

Despite all the hype about the BDSM etc in this book (which in reality it barely touches on) for me it is more about the romance, the whole exchange of flirty emails and the sexual adventures – the fact that they have no limits as money is no object and  they can for fill their fantasies to their hearts desire. What frightened me were the similarities between him and one of my ex’s – not the controlling or S&M bit I hasten to add, (or the unlimited funds – I wish!). But more of the general demeanour of a damaged man and the constant struggle to understand him and to try to bring some normality to his life.

I have finally figured out what my type of man is – it turns out its 50 shades of F*cked up – go figure! So that’s why I’m single? I have terrible taste in men! (Shrugging of shoulders) Who knew?!!.

My mate (male) asked me what I thought of the book as he works in an office full of women who have read it and he actually recommended it to me! – I was like “He drives an Audi R8” His response was “gotcha” (He knows me well enough to know he had me at Audi - lol).

Moving on from the world of books and onto the small screen - thanks to Bestie I’ve also spent a week watching the full four series of Belle De Jour’s secret Diary of a London Call Girl. I read the book last year while on holiday and even though the series was slightly tame compared to the detail in the book it was still highly entertaining. So many men and so many sexual desires! There was the man who liked to dress up as a baby – in a nappy with his dummy and throwing all his toys out of the pram!. There was the guy pretending to be a virgin but was secretly gay but wanted to make sure he was???!.

The guy who liked to masturbate with food???! (Think American Pie and you’ll get the idea!). The best part of that scenario was the huge food fight they got to have – now that is definitely on my bucket list! (Just to clarify a huge food fight not playing with the food!)

There was the man whose fantasy was to shag farm animals and got Belle to moo and bleat during sex! Lol! (I was wetting myself at that one). There was the guy who arrived for his date in a coffin dressed as Dracula but unfortunately died in his sleep (still in the coffin!!). OMG!! How on earth do you explain that to the hotel???.

I remember the time I was dating the Author and we checked into this posh hotel and he decided to take a bath before bed. As we were both so tired I was petrified I’d fall asleep in bed and find that he had fallen asleep in the bath and drowned. (Which was my worst nightmare), this was a man who had the potential to go somewhere in life and I’d be held responsible for ruining his future, or worse still accused of killing him! I didn’t fancy going to jail. So I did what any girlfriend in that situation would do, I went and sat in the bathroom and talked to him! (He must have thought I was really clingy but I just couldn’t take the risk!).

Back to Belle, bearing in mind this book is based loosely on a true story it does make you wonder what secret fantasies the man you are in bed with really has?. How well do you really know him? I’m all up for role play but I draw the line at farm animals!! Lol!

Belle’s life is complex obviously her work interferes with her personal life but you know what? There are advantages, the lifestyle – private jets, posh hotels, the money, the clothes, it’s not all bad. Besides isn’t every one’s personal life complex?

Moving onto personal lives – not much to report here I’m afraid as August was another first. For the first time in ages I am not on any dating sites actively seeking a man. It’s not because I’ve met Mr Right, it’s because I don’t think he exists and I’m ready to give up on the whole scenario – gasp! (Give it a few weeks and I’ll have changed my mind about that no doubt!).

I’m sick of meeting randomly fucked up 30 something’s who can’t work out what they want from their life or can’t be honest about it?. I find the whole thing quite exhausting, I’m tired of trying to “help” them or “look after” them.  The time has come to look after myself. So I’m sorry but you will have to hold off buying your hat for the time being! Lol!

So what else have I been up to? Well I went to the Notting Hill Carnival for the first time this year, we had a blast watching the processions, I got some fantastic photos and thankfully the weather turned out lovely. I loved the random street parties being held all over the place with different genre of music, I particularly enjoyed trying to get through the crowd of people dancing to garage in the middle of the street, even stopping to join in, I sooooo wish I’d got to do that for longer though!.

I didn’t enjoy the 2 hours it took to get from Notting Hill back to Victoria Station predominantly due to the lack of information available from the police as to what streets and stations were closed off.  You could see how easily this could end badly as peoples frustrations grew. Overall it was a good experience and I was absolutely exhausted and in bed by 9. Lol!

Elsewhere in NoshWorld I’ve decided to up the anti with my exercise regime as I can’t seem to be able to shift any weight and it’s starting to get me down. As you know I’m totally addicted to Les Mills Body Combat and am attending 3 to 4 classes a week. This week I decided to try some new classes (August being a month of firsts and all that). I’ve done a couple of Body Balance classes which I’ve quite enjoyed so I might add them to my weekly routine. It’s a mixture of stretching exercises which looks a lot easier than it is, it uses the disciplines of yoga, Pilates and tai chi and I think it balances out the stresses of combat.

I also tried Vinyassa yoga last week which I enjoyed for all the wrong reasons! I managed to talk my Body Combat buddy Charlie to come with me as I didn’t want to do it on my own, I’m not sure if this was a mistake or not but I had such a laugh. He’s so bloody competitive and this class was a bit more advanced than we thought it would be especially for first timers like us.

I’m sensible enough to know what positions I can manipulate my body into and which ones I can’t. I know where my strengths lie, (I can’t balance on one arm with my body in the air or swing my legs all the way back over my head to touch the floor!) Not Charlie though, oh no he’ll try anything!  All I heard was this massive thud as he lost his positioning and landed in a heap, I absolutely wet myself laughing, I then got the giggles and just couldn’t bring myself (or my breathing) under control for most of the class. (A major sin in Yoga which is all about the breathing!) Tutt Tutt.

As luck would have it, it turned out that this was the last class that they would be doing as the new timetable comes into effect next week and the class has been cancelled (probably because it’s on so late at night). Which isn’t a problem as I’m not sure that this type of yoga was for me. (Or for Charlie for that matter).

He’s agreed to do Body Balance with me now in exchange for me doing Body Pump with him (exercise with weights). I’m also dying to try out the new CXWORKS class. At this rate I won’t have time to find a man as I’ll be in the gym so damn much – hey but hopefully I’ll manage to shift some of this stubborn weight? Will let you know how I get on with that one!.

Another first in August was sacking the FWB (no pun intended) He was becoming a bit of a liability and stressful to handle. I would never know what mood he would be in, “flirty FWB”, “moody FWB”, or even worse “Anti women FWB”. (Christian Grey eat your heart out!). The problem here is that as an FWB you have no rights to be anything but “Fun FWB” – that is the whole point? (Well that and the sex obviously).

We are not in a relationship??? Why am I putting up with relationship crap from this bloke?? Does he not get it? Obviously not. 

The other problem was that I can not have an FWB who is going to get in a mood because of something I’ve said or done (or just cos he’s a twat) and decide not to have sex with me or worse still hold sex as a ransom until he gets what he wants?

To me this is unprecedented behaviour? May be I separate sex from the rest of the relationship because even during the 7 years with my ex, we would quite often stop mid blazing row for a shag and resume the argument after? Isn’t that normal? Lol.

Any way we had a huge row a few months back as he got annoyed because I refused to be filmed during sex, in his mind I had issues with my body but the truth be known its wasn’t my body I wasn’t comfortable with, it was the situation, his attitude and being told what to do! I’m not a prude and don’t like to be accused of being one, I do what I want, when I want with whom I want and I don’t need to be forced or bullied into anything.

I think that was the first time he got to experience “Angry Nosh” (She doesn’t come out often and never in a FWB situation). In fact I’m not sure he’s ever had a woman answer him back or confront him? It was quite comical in the end as he realised there was a real danger that I would walk out of the door and not come back and in all fairness, I don’t think he wanted that.

I didn’t see him again for a couple of months after that just so he knew not to be a twat next time. (Men they will learn the hard way).

Here’s another idea I got from EL James, may be we should draft a contract with an FWB? That way we can both establish exactly what is expected from the “relationship” so there are no “Grey” areas (hee hee!). 

Firstly – presentation is everything, you do not show up at my house in tracksuit bottoms – never, ever in a million years. If you do, I have the right to slam the door in your face (even if you did travel miles to get here – is that harsh?? Lol!). In his defence he only ever did this the one time, early on a Sunday morning so I let him off!

Secondly you have to be clean shaven, I don’t care that you normally only shave once a week, make it the day you’re coming to see me as stubble rash is not attractive for any girl. Besides you can hardly complain when you only have to do your face? We girls get the worst deal here. It does go both ways I wouldn’t dream of showing up for a “FWB date” without make up, bushy, frizzy hair and stubbly legs – like I said it’s all about presentation.

Thirdly (and this one can become quite important as time goes on) – the money issue. If you are meeting up at each others places that’s fine but as my FWB’s are from out of town there is always a cost involved, petrol, dinner or hotel costs. I don’t mind taking it in turns or going halves but there are times when you have to take each others earnings into consideration. If you are earning twice as much as me and you want to go away for a weekend, then I’m willing to pay towards the cost but I realistically can’t afford to always pay half.  So in this situation we either decide not to go, or we go and you don’t hold it against me as this will only build resentment from both sides.

Also we have to negotiate on how often seeing each other is appropriate, once or twice a month I would say is probably the norm, once a week is unacceptable as you are stepping into relationship boundaries.

I’m not saying you can only see each other on set dates because that would ruin the whole spontaneity of the experience, I’m just saying you need to be upfront about your expectations from the start to avoid conflict later. Besides if you’re seeing your FWB every week, when are you allowing time for someone fabulous and truly deserving of you to enter your life?

That brings me on to the next point, if either of you meet someone else to date than the FWB must back off immediately, until such time you both find yourselves single again and wish to resume where you left off. I have no interest in shagging someone who is in a relationship.

So with a contract all the issues can be avoided early especially if he is a FWB Virgin. (Which in this case he was). He doesn’t know what to expect, he probably thinks all his birthdays have all come at once, this woman will shag him with no strings attached? Too good to be true right? Wrong. However there are some strings just not the commitment type. You have to be happy, go lucky and up for a laugh, you can’t bring your every day boring work experiences to the bedroom, you leave them at the door and pick them up on your way out.

It goes without saying that you have to be good in bed and I can’t believe I’m gonna say this but its true, size really doesn’t matter. This particular FWB was huge, its just a shame he didn’t really know what to do with it! (Meow)  Certain things can be taught but you have to want to make an effort?. I think sex should be fun, not controlled or predetermined. Save the lazy sex for your relationships (if you can get one mate).

As a male friend told me recently, for a man to turn down an offer of sex on a plate (hotel included or not) is very difficult, he did this because the lady in question was attached. I was like I wouldn’t know, no one has ever turned me down! Please remind me never to proposition him though, as I’d hate him to be the first! Lol!

I know I don’t do the whole FWB thing correctly, probably because I’m not the kind of girl that could literally show up for sex and leave straight after, if that’s what you’re looking for then someone like Belle is probably more up your street. Remember I’m not being paid for sex, it’s a mutual benefit that has to be worth your while.

I’m more into the “girlfriend for the weekend” type, which is usually why all my FWB’s have been ex’s. The relationship may not have survived but the sex was too good to give up.  I really enjoy spending time with them, doing stuff as couples like walking hand in hand by the river and stopping for some lunch in a country pub. I like their company too, in a funny way I usually get on so much better with them when I’m not dating them? Go figure!

Unfortunately I’m starting to run out of ex’s – gasp! I suppose that’s a sign that I really should get a move on and find a new man – a boyfriend – double gasp, but I was having sooo much fun??? Is that so wrong? I will keep you updated.

Thank you for reading.