Hey, greetings from Turkey! (Ok may be not quite, am safely bk on UK soil)
I had a fabulous time, our hotel though 2 hours on a coach from Antalya airport was four star and well worth the effort. Here’s the next installation of the blog, I apologise for the length, please feel free to skip bits!
The Characters
I did a fair bit of people watching from the sanctuary of my sun lounger or sitting by the sea with the waves washing over my legs and my body.
There was the European “fuller figured” lady in her late 40’s perhaps early 50’s who
was up for the boogie bus into town to the club in Alanya even though it didn’t get back until 4am! She would still manage to be at breakfast by 9am – was a true legend! Hope I have that much energy when I’m her age, actually wish I had that much energy now!
I watched a man help his wife put her false teeth back in whilst waist high in the sea, I can only assume the force of the waves which were totally unpredictable and ferocious (but awesome) caused them to come loose! Eeeeeeeeeeew
The man who heroically jumped in to the swimming pool fully dressed to save a young child who thought he was going to drown. Bet his trainers stank for the rest of his holiday!
The rowdy and obnoxious “Essex lot” – 3 couples who showed up paralytic from the plane, having left their children at home – probably all alone – someone call social services! They gave all British tourists a bad name. Think they thought they were on an 18-30 holiday not at a family resort! My favourite was the short bloke with the fat gold chain round his neck with shorts at the pool side – proper chav look! He didn’t realise that threatening the staff wasn’t going to help him get his own way. God I’d hate to be dating that! Lol!
There was the Scandinavian lady we dubbed “peroxide” because her hair had been bleached to an inch of its life. She spent her whole holiday on her lap top while are 2 small children ran around unsupervised. They had a few near accidents and were only saved by the caring nature of other tourists!
Met some totally fabulous people too! Met Paul and his wife Claire with their 2 kids who kept my mates son busy for a good few days so we could have adult time. Paul was totally nuts, dirty sense of humour and very funny. Claire had a dry sense of humour, she would take a certain amount off him before firmly putting him back in his place! Total respect for her.
Matt & Chris from Stoke were awesome. From the minute we met they knew I was blond (my gaydar soooo needs work! Lol). From the moment Matt asked me how old I was and guessed at 23 I knew we would be friends!
Matt was 19, kooky, funny and highly entertaining, Chris 23 slightly more serious, a fantastic negotiator – if you needed some one to barter for you or make a complaint, he’s your man! They were awesome and we had a lot of laughs.
We met Sherry (Copper) and Dan (Accounts person) They turned out not to be a couple as Sherry “came out” to us one evening before asking me back to her room! (I think she was joking). Dan bless him is a bit repressed by his family who are quite religious and doesn’t normally drink and had never been on holiday. He was having a whale of a time being led astray by a lesbian! (Apart from the night he drank several Vodka’s and was sick!)
After they all left and we waved them off on their transfer coaches we met 2 prison officers (lesbian couple) 26 year old worked with young offenders in the South, hard as nails, wouldn’t wanna get on the wrong side of her as she’d “knock you the F*ck out!! (She was obviously the “male” one)
The other one a 33 yr old worked in a maximum security prison up north and was fascinated by the Kray twins! She was nice and we got on well.
The Activities
I tried my hand at rifle shooting, turned out wasn’t my forte – actually I was rubbish and missed all 3 shots! Lol! The rifle was heavier than I thought, may be I’d be better with a pistol??? Mmmm who would I like to practice that on? (I’m kidding – and I won’t waste any column inches on it! Hee hee)
I was better at the volleyball and quite competitive once I got started! Bruised my wrist in a heroic attempt at hitting the volleyball back to my opponent, unfortunately managed to whack it at the wrong angle, it went flying backwards and landed at the top of a palm tree! I fell about laughing until I realised it was stuck and possibly punctured! Ooops, was glad we were flying back a couple of hours later! (It could only happen to me)
The only other injury I sustained was my foot which was quite bruised because I thought it appropriate to play tennis in flip flops! Silly cow! I avoided the banana boat and coming down the pool slide on a rubber dingy or inflatable crocodile? Didn’t fancy drowning on my first holiday in 4 years!
I did relax too – I had an entire morning of pampering Turkish style which included a sauna, steam room, Turkish bath, relaxing with apple tea (very sweet) a facial mud mask and full body massage. The Turkish bath was a bit close to the mark! You basically have a young man (Kurdish with nice arms) wearing this big glove thingy exfoliating your entire body top to toe and then washing you down with first cold then hot water before lathering you up with soap and washing it down again! I must point out the lathering with soap was not done with his hands but using this big bag thing so not as pervy as it sounds! Lol! Most action I’ve had in weeks!
The Lesbianism (Please feel free to skip this bit as it might make you uncomfortable!)
Could I be spontaneous enough to become bisexual?? After careful consideration (plenty of time spent thinking on the beach) I can probably quite safely say no!
The idea of spending your life with another woman though incredibly appealing – we can multitask and communicate a lot better then a male/female relationship and we are after all from the same planet so this helps, though we all talk a lot so would we ever sleep? Also what happens if you’re both menstrual at the same time? Interesting I would think!
I also considered the sexual side – I mean how different can it really be to be with a women instead of a man? They use toys – I like toys and how often do you realistically go down on your partner anyway? So this wouldn’t really be an issue either! (No wonder I’m single!)
However as my friend pointed out when cuddling up in bed, instead of a nice hairy chest you would get boobs – something I hadn’t considered. Not that I’m into hairy chests but I’m not into boobs either!
My poor mate was petrified I was going to come back and make an announcement and asked me to atleast wait a couple of months so she doesn’t get the blame! Lol. No worries hun, even with all their faults it’s a man I still want!
Was a thought anyway. Afterall whats the point in life if you don’t take random thoughts into consideration? Welcome to Noshworld (Its crazy but good here!)
So finally.
So in brief I relaxed loads, sunbathed all day and ate lots of cake! Spent the evenings in a group drinking wine (on tap – awesome idea) and playing cards.
So all in all I had a fabulous time. One that could not have been predicted or probably repeated as it was the specific combination of random people from all over the country ending up at the same place at the same time and having a laugh. I’m not sure who needed it more, me or my mate but I think we both came back totally refreshed and ready to take on the world and start a new chapter.
Thank you for reading.
