You know what they say when one door closes another one opens? So in the week that saw the end of my FWB is it possible I may have met the one? (Carrie Bradshaw eat your heart out!)

So my week started with a catch up with one of my mates in our local Ann Summers. Most friends meet over a latte in Costa Coffee for a chat but not us! We meet in the middle of the vibrator section! Lol! She was in the market for a new toy and wanted my advice. Over the years I seem to have become a bit of an expert in this field! (I am assuming because I used to work for them).

I was surprised to see that there are lots of new “Rabbits” on the market, all in flashy packaging and beautiful colours but don’t let that fool you, bear in mind they don’t stay in the packet and you can’t see them when they’re in you.  (I know too much detail but a valid point I think?).

So there we were testing out the toys on display, catching up on the gossip and trying to establish what it is that we want from the toy, so we get the “right” one as they all have different functions but all with the same goal in mind! It suddenly dawned on me that to an outsider looking in, we probably looked like a pair of lesbians!

I’m assuming that’s what the man standing in the same section thought anyway, he was probably eavesdropping (which wasn’t hard – I’m not the quiet type).

Did you know that they now sell Dildo’s in there? (This is a new thing). I have to admit, I’ve never understood the point of one of these, as I pointed out to my friend especially if you have a man and are looking for a toy to use while they are there? What is the point of having a fake dick while a real one looks on expectantly?!  Not being funny but surely the whole point is to have a toy to enhance your enjoyment or to do something your man can’t like the “Triple Whammy?” Believe me no matter how good he is in the bedroom he can not swivel, vibrate and thrust at the same time! Hee hee.

So with that in mind she purchased a “couples kit” for her and her man and a rabbit for herself. (Clever girl!).

Back to me, on the FWB front things took a turn for the worse, to be honest I was starting to get a bit weary with his attitude towards me. There were times he would talk to me like he was paying me for sex? Erm he was not, or that he was owed it? Again – not in a million!

I know I’m not his girlfriend but some respect wouldn’t go a miss?  It all started with my new Hollywood which left me.............how can I put this? “tender” for 24 hours, unfortunately this coincided with our not so secret “rendezvous”. In my defence I had also had one of the most stressful weeks at work and was pretty fed up, when I expressed that I was concerned that my waxing may prevent me from “performing” (or more to the point enjoying myself, its not all about you mate!) I wasn’t exactly expecting sympathy but a message to say he really wanted to see me would have been enough?

A text saying (and I quote) “Don’t over react, you got waxed not given birth” took……. my………. Breath……A.W.A.Y!

I had to put the mobile down and walk away for a minute and take some deep breaths to calm down so as to not jump in the car, drive to his house to give him a wax job of my own and see if he can w*nk the next day?! What a ****** (you can fill in the blanks, they all fit!).

After I’d recovered (the next day) I tried to apologise for cancelling on him but got a text to say he wasn’t interested so I asked him to delete my number and never call me again.

So I’m screwed………..or not as the case may be?! Every cloud has a silver lining though so at least I know which rabbit I’m gonna get!

Moving on….

On the not so pleasurable front I had to take a couple of trips to my osteopath (No I haven’t been swinging from the chandeliers!).  I’ve only ever met him once before.  On examining me, he explained that unlike most people who carry tension in their lower back, I for some strange reason carry tension in my arse – (Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase – pain in the arse!) Good to know I suppose?! .However he said this was not good for me and then proceeded to “de stress” it for half an hour?! Who knew such a thing was possible?. 

He then told me off for not stretching enough after my gym classes; I was advised if I did not listen I may need to be punished? Erm isn’t your £40.00 bill for massaging my arse punishment enough? It certainly is to my bank balance?! (I didn’t say that to him). We then got on to the subject of punishment and he proceeded to tell me how some of his clients compare the treatment of having your back clicked to the pleasure of light S&M – like seriously?  Who has these conversations???! (Me obviously and I really don’t know how I get myself into these situations!)  For the record he was not coming on to me, we were just having a conversation (even though I was semi naked having my bottom massaged at the time! – You couldn’t make this stuff up!!).

I was like I’m sorry but I don’t see the relevance between the two? I mean I get that there’s good pain and there’s bad pain but I would not class having my back manipulated and then cracked all the way up my spine good pain?! Though having my neck clicked is pretty close to orgasm as it releases a fresh flow of blood to your brain so the verdict is still out on that one!

Moving swiftly on

Elsewhere in NoshWorld working opposite KFC bought its own advantages this week, we had 2 fire engines pull up outside so they could get some, I have to admit there is nothing more distracting then those huge red fire engines!. (Nothing to do with the firemen obviously). The number of times I tried to prise my eyes away from the window and back to my computer screen to only suddenly realise I was strangely drawn back towards the window! That had to be the highlight of the week!

On the online dating front it’s been a very busy fortnight, I got an email from a man who was 49 (but looked pretty good for it) which started me thinking about age and what limits you should set? I like to date men my age but I have dated men both older and younger with various degrees of success. I have a friend who is my age and is dating a man who is 24 years older than her and I’ve never seen anybody so loved up and happy, they have been together for over five years and they are in the process of buying a house together so it proves it can work?. I decided not to pursue this any further as I am not comfortable with dating men too much older than me? I’m quite immature (I never want to grow up) and I’d probably do his head in!

I have also found that there are many men in my age range who are quite short – between 5ft 6 to 5ft 8. I’m only 5ft 5 so in theory this shouldn’t be an issue (easy to reach for a snog), but more than anything it seems to be an issue for them more than me? One of them told me that his last girlfriend had said she wanted a man she could look up to? Gasp! I told him she was obviously a b1tch so he really should let it go and get over it?!

I also got a really brief email from a guy that literally said that he liked the look of my mate in my picture and was she single? And if so was she on the site? And if so could I ask her to contact him?. Like HELLO??? I wouldn’t have minded had he had the courtesy to say hi first and ask me politely? How rude! (She found it hilarious though!).

I also had an Asian guy send me an email stating we just had to meet each other but in his profile it said he had never been with a woman? WTF am I gonna do with a 35 year old Virgin? Like seriously?............

Anyway I have been speaking to a few potential men dotted all over the South of the Country including The London Saleman, The Reading Architect, The Woking Mr Persistent and of cause The Portsmouth Guy!

Yes……….I finally went on a date with “Portsmouth guy”. My first impression of him as he walked into the pub was wow (very unusual for me), his pictures did him absolutely no justice. I then spent the next 3 hours trying really hard not to like him and even to put him off me (I told him about my go ahead biscuit addiction) but I have to say I failed on both counts!  On leaving the pub his impeccable taste was breath taking – in the shape of the most gorgeous Audi I have ever seen!  (He’s a keeper! Lol – I’m joking).

I even got flowers sent to my work on Valentines – after only one date! AWESOME!

So here starts the beginning of what I can only class as a logistical nightmare! It goes to prove that when you like someone, age, height or distance really doesn’t matter!!

So I will leave it there for now, we shall see how it goes and I’ll keep you updated!  

Thank you for reading!