What’s the secret to a happy long term relationship and where the hell is my Knight in shining Armour???!

So the night before the big day (my mates wedding) I’m a nervous wreck trying to get organised, I need to make sure I have everything ready so it’s not a big rush in the morning. All I had to do was wash my hair, wrap the present and iron my dress, what did I do? Chat to a really hot man on messenger until I was too tired to do anything but go to bed! Doh!

Can someone please explain to me why I’m the one that’s nervous before my friend’s wedding? I kid you not, half an hour before leaving the house, my hand was trembling so bad I couldn’t put my lip liner on, I was exactly the same at my last best friends wedding two years ago.  We’re a group of 5 friends who met when we worked for a travel company 14 years ago and even though we have changed jobs many times since we have managed to keep our friendship. I’m officially the last one left who’s not married, actually I’m the only one, who’s not got a partner or kids and I’m the second eldest!  Eek. In recent years trying to get us all together in one place at one time has been impossible and I think the last time this happened was at the last wedding, With this precedent in mind I’m terrified I’ll never see them again – no pressure!

To be honest attending weddings when you’re a single person can be quite daunting, for those who thought weddings were the perfect opportunity to meet someone obviously hadn’t been to one recently! You know everybody else will be in couples. It’s also probably not easy fitting into the table plan either? Damn my best mate who used to be my plus one, how dare you get married and have kids and leave me to attend weddings alone?! Lol. I’m really lucky though, as I said this was one of my friends getting married and even though my other friends had their husbands with them, we’re all quite close and I didn’t feel singled out.

The proceedings went without a hitch, the bride looked stunning in her beautiful strapless gown. I have to give it to the groom – his speech, though lengthy, was highly entertaining (believe me it had to be, I’d just stuffed three courses and it was officially nap time so keeping me awake was a huge task in itself!). I finally got a glimpse of his personality and the realisation dawned on me that this is probably why they have been together for so long (just under ten years), the key ingredient to any successful relationship? – humour and lots of it – there you have it folks, the secret is out!

Weddings are funny things, they get you to thinking about how you’d like your big day to be, what kind of food you’d like, what kind of ceremony. Me and my friends had a great laugh discussing the options. If I marry an Asian man it will have to be a rich one, as we will need two weddings, one where I can wear the traditional Asian clothing – Dark red and gold sequinned dress with all the over the top gold bling, and one where I can wear my beautiful, sleek, possibly silk cream or off white dress with more subtle silver/platinum bling! (Yes it involves a lot of bling – but I’m not a gold digger I don’t mind costume jewellery – it doesn’t have to be real to be pretty).  Apart from the wedding ring obviously – that’s gonna cost you mate, but I’m worth it! Hee hee.

If I marry a white man then that’s probably going to be cheaper as I will just have to amalgamate two weddings into one. I’m still definitely having 2 hen nights though, the Asian version with all the mendhi and dancing to Asian music (for all my friends regardless of race) and a nice little weekend away to Amsterdam or Vegas for my more traditional Hen do?!. Hee hee!

So you find yourself sitting there planning out menu’s - probably have to be curry – my male best mate has been goading me about this for years, I think he’s got to the stage where he doesn’t care what the food is any more he just wants me to meet someone and get married! Lol!!

Talk about getting totally carried away with the whole prospect (I want my mates and bridesmaids to do a dance on the way back down the aisle after we’ve said the I do’s! Lol). Then you have to reel yourself back in big time, there’s one thing missing?.................. What’s that?............. Oh yeah the groom! (Rolling of eyes) Dammit!

You read articles about women who have booked their venue and bought their dress but not met the man? I’m not that bad. I’m at an age now where the majority of my friends are married, or settled down in relationships with children. I’m not sure about the whole children thing but one thing I’m positive about, and that’s one day, I would like to get married, I would like to commit to one man for the rest of my life. Gasp.

Here within lies the biggest problem, what man can I find who can enhance my life to the extent its worth giving up my singledom??!

There are days where I’m so anti coupledom it’s scary. On fathers day recently I spent an entire five hours sunbathing in my garden and reading my book, lets be honest the sun doesn’t come out that often in the UK so you really do need to make the most of it! Besides I desperately needed to tan the white bits from my holiday and thanks to the really big fence my psycho neighbour put up, I now have the freedom to do this as no one can see into my garden – hooray.

So there I was so relaxed it was untrue, all I could think about was that had I been in a relationship this would not be a possibility – more than likely we would have had to be up early and dressed and travelling to where ever his parents live to spend the day with them.

On the other hand I do love spending time with family but probably more when we want to rather than feel like we have to. I’ve never really had too much involvement with my ex’s families. The guy I dated for 7 years was one of 6 children, which when I met him I thought was fantastic  I had visions of huge family gatherings, chatting, laughing and getting to know each other (something for obvious reasons I didn’t ever get to do when I was little). Unfortunately for me as he was Asian and I hadn’t been brought up in the “traditional” Asian sense it transpired that I was kinda the “black sheep” so I’d never really fit in, which at the time was quite crushing but when you’re young you think love can conquer all and all that matters is just the two of you. Turns out I was wrong – gasp!

Life isn’t a fairytale though is it? Look at me, I’m 37 (shush don’t tell anyone), I have a good life, I have my own place, a job I enjoy and plenty of friends and family who care about me, but I have one question – “where the hell is my knight in shining armour?” You know the one I can cuddle up to in the middle of the night and the one I can wake up next to, on a Sunday morning and enjoy a lie in with?  The one who wants to date me, not just sleep with me? The one I’m supposed to run through a field with hand in hand while escaping a huge downpour of rain from an unexpected thunderstorm to seek shelter under a tree where he pulls me into his big, strong arms (bear with me  - its only a fantasy!) for a long passionate kiss? Oh and don’t forget the music and the random passer-by’s bursting into song – its always like a musical when it’s the real thing!.

Alright so I’m pushing it a bit and expecting too much?, who knows may be I could give E L James a run for her money (may need to step it up a notch though, he’d probably have me strapped to a tree with leather restraints semi naked gasping for breath at the anticipation of the leather studded paddle etc etc – No I haven’t read it yet but it is on my list! Lol) ) Anyway on a serious note why is it so hard in this day and age to meet a normal, down to earth guy? Are all men commitment phoebes? Jesus I’m not even asking for a commitment, a proper date would be nice?

Over the last ten years I’ve met many men who I’ve liked, cared about, definitely lusted after, not sure about the whole love thing but eventually discounted for the right reasons. Even though sometimes I’ve been devastated when things haven’t worked out but I haven’t given up, I’m looking for the right man which in its essence is hard to find. I’m not looking for “Mr Right Now”, I’m looking for someone I might have a future with? I decided a long time ago that if being with a man meant my life would be a struggle both financially and emotionally than actually I’d rather struggle alone.

Why am I single? That’s simple I’ve just not met him yet.

I’m making a lot of changes this year and so far 7 months in things are moving in a positive direction. After sorting my finances and mortgage earlier in the year this has given me the freedom to resign from my Saturday job, so for the first time in nearly five years I will no longer be working 6 days a week!

I have given myself the gift of time and two weeks in I have to say I’m loving it, Friday’s have taken on a whole new meaning to me, I treasure my lie ins, I have time to actually make my bed in the morning! I can clean the car, do the gardening, clean the house, fit in an extra Boby Combat class or the gym – not that I’ve managed any of these things so far as I’ve spent the last 2 weekends away with friends and family but that’s the other thing I have more time to spend with people I care about.

I’m hoping this will also make it easier for when I meet someone as I tend to date men from out of town and the Saturday job was a bit of a hindrance to my love life, being tired all the time is not an attractive quality in a person even if it isn’t your own fault. God help the men out there I’ve got more time, so more energy and omg more bounce! Uh oh!

So with that in mind I’m off for another speed dating event, this time held in London and on a weekend – so I can’t use the excuse of work in the morning to leave early – it can only mean one thing – it could get messy! As always wish me luck!

Thank you for reading.

The month of June – All about Americanism, getting injured in the Race for Life and being kept waiting.

Hey

Ok so it’s been a month since the last blog, I can only but apologise but life just got in the way! Since the holiday (which now seems like a distant memory), so much has happened, work has been relentless but I’ve managed to mix it in with plenty of pleasure as my mate from the US was back in the UK for 2 short weeks. I don’t know what it is about her presence but suddenly anything is possible, we all, as a group, drop everything and make an effort to be sociable, We ate loads, we talked loads and we laughed a lot and I'm having serious withdrawal symptoms already!

I had her with her children and a whole group of friends and family come out to support me for the Race for Life this year, yes I did it! I was 40 seconds slower than last year and was really disappointed at the time because I went over the 30 minute mark, but 30 minutes and 30 seconds was still a good effort. I raised  £340.00 which with Gift Aid was bumped up to a whopping £425.00 so it was definitely worth it and I'd like thank everyone who supported me.

Over 2000 women ran the race that evening so as you can imagine with all their supporters surrounding the course - the atmosphere there was electric. It was amazing to have my friends to cheer me on and my god they were soooo loud as I ran past! Everyone else kinda looked over to see who the big fuss was about – it was little old me! Hee Hee. (Love you guys!)

For those of you who know me, you know how very competitive I can be (I’m getting worse as I get older!). Though to be fair I usually just race against myself and try to beat my time from last year! Even so as I struggled the last 1k of the race the vision of the girl with a big arse over taking me was incentive enough to make me sprint the last bit as I knew I’d never live it down if she beat me!.

I got my come up pence though as I injured myself! Karma’s a b1tch! To be honest I was slightly injured before the race (I reckon I did it while training for the race on holiday) but I didn’t realise it could get serious. Luckily I only managed to severely pull my hamstring in my thigh and not tear it, so even though I was in considerable pain over the next few days and it still twinges now and again, the osteopath did manage to put me back together  in 2 sessions (I kept my bra on at all times!). I was told to rest for at least a week with no exercise or I was warned I could do serious damage. Gasp.

I can’t believe how hard it is to stop exercising and relax? Does housework and gardening count as exercise? Am I allowed sex? (You know just in case it happens?!) Does going to the park and jumping on the giant tyre swing count as relaxing? I had such fun though! I love swings! Though in all honesty that did hurt my leg but I was enjoying myself too much, I’m such a big kid!

The resting paid off, my osteopath said I was a “silly cow” but luckily didn’t do too much damage. I’m even allowed to go back to combat but have to take it easy – for those of you who’ve ever done Body Combat – you’ll know there’s no such thing as taking it easy in the class, especially not in the front row (Yes I am that sad!) I’m so impatient, I can’t wait to get back to normal.

I’m finding that as I get older, I become less patient. I hate waiting, I hate queues, I’ve been known to dump my basket at Tescos and walk out because I refuse to queue 20 people deep – so much for your “one in front” policy! I’ve also been seen to drive past the petrol station with the packed forecourt even though I’m wasting petrol trying to find petrol.

Do you know the thing I hate most? The thing I hate most is waiting for a message from a man! Yep you heard me (come on you knew we’d head back towards the dating eventually?!)

In this day and age with all the different methods available for communication, is there really any excuse to keep me waiting?

In the good old days if someone wanted to call you, they could call you or, better still you usually got to see people in the flesh. Now you have a choice between phone calls, instant messages via Blackberry or hotmail, texting, skyping and email! So surely in this day and age with all these communicational tools at your fingertips what’s your excuse?

Last year I dated a guy who hated texting and he would respond to my texts with an email, this meant I spent what felt like hours of my life logging into my email account to see if he had responded? Every time I found he hadn’t it was like a further rejection? So by the time he had, I was so frustrated I’d wanna bite his head off! (Poor guy! Lol) I know people lead busy lives, I’m one of those people but a quick text (even to say am busy will call later) would suffice?

I finally gave in to technology at the end of last year and bought a Blackberry, now all my communicational worlds have come together in one place. Whether you email me to any of my 3 hotmail accounts, send me a text, send me a message on Facebook or use Blackberry messenger I will know about it instantly. I’m not sure that this is such a good thing?

For a start there is no peace and quiet and if the phone isn’t bleeping I find myself checking it at regular intervals in case I’ve missed anything? Worse still it means you are always contactable which isn’t always a good thing? There are times when I’m at home that I have no idea where my mobile is and I eventually find it to see I’ve missed a call or a text from someone who now thinks I’m ignoring them!. It’s a disturbing phenomenon.

So I’m sitting here waiting for the Hot Copper to get back to me about our potential date next week – in his defence he’s probably arresting someone as we speak. (He can handcuff me any time – hee hee)/

So how did we get here? Well it’s been a busy few weeks. Before the holiday I was talking online to a couple of men as you know, there was the personal trainer in his forties, obviously fit but also had a gorgeous smile. There was the writer/performer bloke, though I wasn’t sure if he was gonna be a bit full of himself??  I’d agreed to meet them both when I return from my holiday. Then there was the hot copper, I sent him a text before the holiday and got no reply so I assumed he’d lost interest.

While on hols I got a few texts from him, and one from a number I didn’t recognise. On my return to the UK, I responded to both. The unrecognised number turned out to be a guy I hadn’t spoken to since New Year, when he had invited me down for a NYE party – remember him? From Basingstoke, he never spoke to me or text, just randomly sent me winks whenever I was online to let me know he knew I was online? My mate suggested may be he was shy? I thought may be he was weird? Besides I don’t do shy? Well bloody nerve, contacts me after 6 months and assumes I’m still single?! The fact that I am is totally irrelevant! (Rolling of eyes!) Lol!

To be honest I wasn’t interested so I told him a little white lie – I told him that I’d just got back from holiday with my boyfriend! Well it was better then the truth? That I think you should seriously reconsider the size of your eyebrows??! I always think if you haven’t got anything nice to say, best not say anything at all!

Anyway it worked, he was really sweet and told me my boyfriend was a very lucky man. Lucky man? Seriously? God I’m such a bitch!

Systematically through out the month, potential dates succumbed to none. The personal trainer wanted to meet up one evening but because I couldn’t make it (and suggested a different date) he didn’t contact me again. (In all honesty I was having second thoughts about him as while I was on holiday he had uploaded a new picture showing his full 44 years!) So no loss there.

The successful writer/performer has disappeared too but again I wasn’t sure if we had anything in common or that I’d find him attractive (Do I have to keep making the same mistakes over and over??”)

I had also been speaking to a guy who works in security but had his profession down on the site as “security” slash “actor”, when I asked him about this he told me he had a degree in acting? Not being funny but unless you’ve “acted” in something, you can’t really class yourself as an “actor”? That would be like me saying I’m a “MD” just because I have a business degree?! He’s from North London so travel wise I’m not sure if it would work..

There was also a  guy who sent me a message and said he wished he was better looking?? Erm ok?? See that level of insecurity to me is a complete turn off, I like my men to be confident (not to the extent of arrogance – there is a fine line) but you have to like yourself otherwise why should any one else?.

So back to Mr Officer, he kept randomly sending me the same text every few days and not responding to my messages so last week I decided to take the bull by the horns and tell him to buck up or get stuffed (hot or not hot I don’t have time to mess about). I told him if he wanted to date me, then I suggested he date me because I’m not looking for a text buddy, I’m looking for a “real man!” lol! It worked! So we’ve since spoken on the phone a couple of times and been in touch on messenger so, so far so good, just gotta meet in the flesh – eek!  He seems really sweet but then don’t they all?!

On the free dating site I keep getting messages from the same men over and over, surely if I didn’t respond to the first, second or third message, I’m not interested? How many ignored emails does it take for you to get it? I’ve had to resort to blocking people just to stop wasting my time deleting emails!  Aaaaaaargh!

Anyway now that my friend has headed back to the US of A and my Race for Life is over for another year, I’m getting prepared for one of my best friend’s wedding this weekend. Once that’s all done I will join a better dating site which I will no doubt have to pay for to see if I can meet a better class of man. In the mean time who knows if the “Hot Copper” will be the one?

So I’ll leave it there for now – in case you’re wondering, still no response – has been 3 hours! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Thanks for reading! 

From the magic carpet ride courtesy of Ali Baba to getting wet and wild on the jeep safari, there wasn't a dull moment in Turkey this year!

Merhaba from Turkey! I wish I could say that I was typing this while still sunbathing by the pool, overlooking the cloudless blue sky, in the 35 degree heat, that is Marmaris, in Turkey, but unfortunately I am not. Instead I’m sat here in my study watching the rain lash against the window and the trees sway in the wind which is sweeping the city, welcome back to the UK with a bump!

You want to know the most stressful part of going on holiday? Without a doubt it has to be “packing” or to be precise trying to fit all my clothes, hair products including straighteners and shoes into a suitcase with only a 20kg weight limit (bearing in mind my suitcase empty weighed 5kg? WTF is that all about???!).

Who makes these restrictions anyway? (Bet it was a man!) Surely they are based on two people sharing? I know men pack a million times lighter than women so may be the assumption is that with a couple, between them 40kg is enough? Another reason against singledom I suppose?! I ended up buying a big bag for my hand luggage and all my toiletries airside just to save on luggage allowance! Its easier than finding a man – Though actually that would be a really good idea?, you could advertise beforehand or stand at the check in bit with a placard to say you’re single and see if there’s any one else travelling alone so you can check in together? Genius!! Though knowing my luck it’ll be some obese man with bad breath who snores through out the flight!

I got stopped at security on the way out because I had something suspicious in my bag? You know that feeling when you’re trying to remember what the hell you packed in your hand luggage? (No there were no electrical or vibrating items in my bag before you ask) OMG was it the 2 bananas I shoved in there at the last minute to eat on the taxi ride and had forgotten about? Are you allowed to take fruit abroad?? Or was it my headache pills which weren’t in a packet (to save on weight? – don’t ask!) Did they think they were drugs?. Turned out it was my “illegally” sized deodorant that was the culprit? Like seriously? I wouldn’t have minded but I’d bought a smaller size specifically for the holiday but apparently it was still too big – I obviously have issues with size! Lol!

The flight was fine and we made it to Turkey late Monday morning. Unfortunately as I had booked my holiday separately to my cousin we ended up in separate transfer coaches, I ended up with 2 young couples, the first guy was rather hot (in his 20’s) It always beggars belief how hot men end up with psycho women? His girlfriend really wasn’t all that and to be fair, pretty dumb too? They got in a row as soon as they got on the coach as they were annoyed that the transfer time was an hour and 45 minutes? Erm it tells you that on the brochure and the transfer confirmation details? May be you should learn to read? (Rolling of eyes) Children today! Lol! I took out my contact lenses and had a snooze! Lol! Luckily I was the first drop off – yippee!

I spent the first couple of days sunbathing and relaxing by the pool – isn’t that what holidays are all about? Turning off all modes of communication (no blackberry – eek) and escaping into a book (Jill Mansell) while getting tanned? (I actually took a print out copy of my blog with me so I could go back to the beginning and read that too – how sad am I?!)

May be someone should tell my cousin about relaxing? I’m gonna nickname her “put put” because she just can’t stay put! What she lacks in height (she’s barely 5 foot) she certainly makes up for in volume!! She has an enormous personality and did not sit down for a minute through out the holiday! I barely saw her for the first few days as she went around the hotel talking to everyone! God help you if she had gone to get you a drink because it would take her at least an hour to return – and they say I talk a lot! She was hilarious, she went off to the market with the kids for the day while I chilled and sunbathed and within a few minutes of returning had made friends with the people on the sun loungers next to me?  (I’d gone off to get a drink) She was like "they’re really nice aren’t they?" I was like "no idea they didn’t say a word to me in the 6 hours I sunbathed next to them?!" Lol!

She was insane she got on so well with the hotel staff that when we missed the afternoon cakes (served between 4pm and 5pm daily) because we’d been on a day trip, she casually mentioned it to one of the staff and the next minute they presented her with a big plate with cake slices and biscuits??? I was like WTF??? She also requested a dessert she had really liked a few days ago and they added it to the menu for the following night? I swear she also got extra towels in her room!! I was dumbfounded! I have to say the staff couldn’t have been nicer but even that was above and beyond their duty! Lol. No wonder she wants to go back next year!

The hotel though not large put up various entertainment. Every afternoon they had Water polo where I got to watch the men in their swimming gear throw the ball around and try to score (usually missing and covering us in water)  – it was quite entertaining, also it meant taking a half hour break from all the reading and sunbathing – what a hard life eh? In the evening they also had entertainment including bingo but we always missed this as we would go out after dinner. Their “Turkish Night” was interesting, the men were quite fond of the female belly dancer though I didn’t think much of the male dancers doing a traditional Turkish dance which looked more like line dancing to me! However the group of male break dancers were bloody awesome!

They also had “Robot Man” wearing a metal outfit covered with lights which lit up in different colours, he was very popular with the kids, I watched this little girl go running up to him, then stop and hesitate and then decide she liked him so put her arms up so he could pick her up? He just kinda looked at her like seriously? I don’t think it was possible for him to pick anyone up without electrocuting them! I doubt he could bend over either but it was sooo sweet! Bless.

There was plenty to do in Turkey in the form of day trips. My cousin became good friends with the travel agent people around the corner from the hotel (no surprise there then). We did the Jeep Safari which at £15.00 (including lunch) was an absolute bargain and I’d definitely recommend it, just make sure you wear clothes you don’t mind getting filthy in! We had the “nutter” driver (why me???) he kept putting his hands up in the air to the music, I was like shouldn’t you be steering the jeep? At one point he stopped the jeep and stood on the bonnet to do a dance! Lol! I was like erm okaaaaaay??? We drove past a cemetery and he was like – yeah that’s where my last year’s customers are! We all laughed and then put on our seatbelts! Lol!.

We hired big water guns to take part in the massive water fight on our way round, I could handle the water guns, it was the bottles of water that people were chucking over you that was hard work, especially as I had my contacts in! lol!. You got resigned to the fact you were gonna get soaked and covered in mud and there was nothing you could do about it and to be honest it was a bloody good laugh! It’s the first time in ages I let loose, screaming like a school girl every time a jeep came up beside us for an ambush!

My tactic was to look away to avoid getting water in my eyes while simultaneously shooting them down with my water gun! My poor hair didn’t know what hit it, it got covered in muddy water and then windswept as we sped away from the other jeeps!  I couldn’t get a hairbrush through it and it took me 3 shampoo’s later that evening to get the dirt out! Lol). My favourite bit was near the end when my gun had run out of water and this bloke came over to our jeep with a massive bottle of water to get me with and my cousin’s youngest came to my rescue and frightened him off with her water gun! I was like “my hero” lol!

We stopped off for lunch and then went on to a beautiful beach where I went for a walk through the sea to the other end of the island (water was shallow obviously). I was absolutely gutted on the way back as apparently I missed the gorgeous “Vin Diesel” look-alike on the beach! Where was I???? Oh I chose that ten minute interval to go find the toilets! Not only was he great looking with a fabulous body but he was a professor in Abu Dhabi! DAMMIT!!!! My cousin chatted to him and got his picture! B1tch – why did no one come to find me????!

We also did a day trip on a boat where I got to sunbathe on the top deck as they took us around the island and stopped off at a beach. We met some really nice people on the boat. My cousin's oldest got her come up pence as she took photos of me having a snooze and then went to go below deck and lost her footing on the stairs and landed with a thud, thus waking me up! How inconsiderate?! Lol!. Once we knew she was alright we did laugh pretty hard at her! Hee hee. She said “damn karma does exist!!” Lol.

We met a really sweet couple who were 4 months pregnant (well she was, not him obviously) she was really funny because when we docked at the beach she decided she wanted to jump into the sea from the ramp but hesitated and asked me if I thought it would be safe to do so in her condition or whether it may harm the baby? I was thinking well not as much as the 20 fags you just smoked in the last 3 hours love! Unbelievable! Apart from the smoking they were a lovely couple and I even had to tell them how refreshing it was to meet a couple who seemed so happy together? Believe me we saw many not so happy couples on holiday! Lol He was really sweet and said she was like his best friend! Aaaaaaaaaw. That’s what I want. Big sigh!

We did try to get some exercise in while away, for 3 whole days I put on me shorts and went for a half hour run (my cousin joined me for the first day but as I nearly killed her – her face was puce by the time we returned, she declined to come with me again! Lol!) I would follow up the run with some combat moves in my room (I felt sorry for the people in the rooms below mine while I practised my flying kicks!!) They must have wondered what the hell was going on! 

I then promptly hurt my leg so quit the exercise malarkey and booked in for a full body massage instead, I asked for a male masseur and filled out the form to say I wanted a “hard” massage! Lol! (A sports one in other words!) I don’t know why I do it, there’s nothing like someone punching you in the legs several times and stretching you until you think you may snap! There were points where I was trying really hard to breathe through the pain! Ouch the second half was much more relaxing and it made my leg better though so the pain was worth it!

We replaced the running with an evening walk. One night we left the children behind and as my cousin had booked in for a “Horse Safari” for the next day, she decided she should buy some food for the horse, we ended up at a market stall selling fruit & veg where nobody spoke any English, so she picks up 2 carrots and tries to explain to the men its for horse riding???? She’s doing this impression of being on a horse and jigging backwards and forwards doing a giddy up impression??? I was pissing myself laughing and had to walk away because all I could think was they probably think she’s talking about shagging and using the carrots as an aid???? Thank god horses don’t eat cucumber! (as far as I know!).

We ended up outside the “herbalist” shop called Ali Baba, the shop owner was quite friendly and invited us in for some herbal tea! Now I’ve tried Apple Tea last year in Turkey during my Turkish bath session where I got to relax and sip tea while awaiting my massage. So I really wanted to buy some.

He gave us both an appetiser in the form of a small bit of crystal which was lemon and lime to melt on your tongue before trying the tea.  He then poured the 4 or 5 different types of tea powder into these small glasses (that he claimed were indestructible – he even dropped a few empty ones to prove a point) and we got to have a taster session. Apparently each type of tea has different benefits, the Apple tea is supposedly to cure headaches and was my favourite and the Kiwi tea is for detoxing which was also quite nice.

So I bought both, I also bought a few souvenirs.  So we’re sitting there while my cousin is negotiating on price and I came across really light headed? I was like I think we need to get back now? Thankfully the hotel was only a short five minute walk away. We got to the reception and bumped into some people we knew including her children and my cousin took out the “indestructible glasses” that she had bought and went “look at this” as she dropped one to the floor……………………………and it smashed everywhere! OMG I could not stop laughing, her kids and the other guests were looking at her bewildered like she’d lost her mind???! (I was the only one who knew that the glass wasn’t supposed to break!). It transpires the glass is indestructible on laminate flooring but not marble! Lol! (Don’t worry she got another one after she’d given the man a piece of her mind the next day!)

Now I don’t know what that man gave me but all I know was that the light headedness lasted quite a while, at one point I was leaning against a pillar in the reception area and could feel myself sliding down it! I ended up having an early night because I was worried I might be sick (I wasn’t). I’ve been super drunk before but this is a feeling I’ve never experienced. My cousin said she was mega hyper but to be honest she's so mad any way how would you tell??! Lol!

I very much doubt that the Apple tea was the cause but on reflection I assume the appetiser thing was a bad idea?. Especially as when I had tried to interrogate him about it (because he was adding it to the tea but not selling it with the tea?) he kept avoiding the question and making out he didn’t understand what I was asking and after a couple of attempts I gave up. Thank god he didn’t sell it to me! I can just picture the scene at airport security – anything to declare madam? Erm what have I got? Carrots in my hand luggage now???!

We avoided that shop for the rest of the holiday! It could have been worse my friend was telling me about the time she went to Turkey with her single friend – They were both in their late 40’s and she said they met a friendly chap outside a shop who took a liking to her friend and asked her out on a date (he was in his 20’s). She was quite flattered so agreed to a date only to find out he was a male prostitute that wanted her to book an expensive hotel and pay him for sex! Lol. She was like I might not have had it for a while but I’m bloody well not paying for it! Lol! Then again she was also the same person that had a massage after the Turkish bath naked because she thought that was normal! PMSL!

One of the travel reps did ask me out on a date or rather asked my cousin to ask me out on a date (he was from Essex so I’m sure it was all above board!). However if you don’t even have the balls to ask me to my face what is the point? Besides I didn’t want to waste a day of my holiday on a date and it’s not like it was every gonna go anywhere! I didn’t want to waste precious sunbathing time!

Anyway as the holiday was drawing to a close it was starting to get very hot in Marmaris, well into the 40’s so I decided I’d had enough of sunbathing and fancied a really long shower and some rest in my room, so mid afternoon that’s what I did. My air conditioning was making a right racket but as I’d already jumped in to the shower I couldn’t be bothered to come out to turn it off. What I didn’t realise was that there was a fault with the air conditioning unit in my room which was causing a power cut in all the other rooms on my floor? Lol!

I finished drying my hair after the shower and experienced a power cut, the air conditioning, telly and lights all went out and then flickered back on, at the same time there was a hammering on my door, it was hotel security asking me to turn the air conditioning off so they could fix it! (They’d been knocking on everyones door to try to find the culprit! It was me! Hee hee)

How embarrassing!. If that wasn’t bad enough other people on my floor were standing outside of their rooms because they thought the noise was an alarm to evacuate the building?  Not only had I not paid any attention to the noise from my room but I also managed to miss the mild earthquake that took place while I was in the shower? It rated at 4.7 whatever that means and apparently our whole hotel shook including the windows and beds etc??? Everyone was like “how did you not notice, the floor moved????” I haven’t the foggiest! (Must have been a damn good shower!)

So all in all I had a good holiday, I got a super tan, we got to explore the resort a bit with the jeep safari, and Ali Baba certainly took me on a magic carpet ride! I’m gutted I missed the Vin Diesel look alike and no idea how I missed the earthquake but that’s life I suppose.

I’m just glad we got back in one piece and I got to spend some quality time with members of my family I rarely get to see.  I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my cousin for letting me gate crash her holiday! So I’m back and refreshed and ready for anything! Lets get back to the dating shall we??!

Thanks for reading! J xx

The month of May - It’s all about the boobs and no sex allowed – bring on the holiday I say!

You know when you’re fast asleep and you’re semi consciously thinking isn’t it great that the alarm hasn’t gone off yet?. You open one eye just to see how much longer you can stay snuggled up in bed? Then realise that BUGGER you didn’t set the alarm last night and that you should have been up half an hour ago? Yeah that’s how my Saturday morning began.

By the time I’d showered and applied my make up in record breaking time I was feeling quite nauseas. I made my way downstairs for some breakfast, admittedly in my underwear (I don’t want to get my breakfast down my work clothes) I opened the blinds in the lounge to let in some light and am confronted by a workman!

My not so lovely neighbour (who I used to get along with really well until she became a psycho and screamed at me for asking her about the broken fence in our back garden) had finally got round to getting a new one put up, but as she blatantly isn’t talking to me, she didn’t bother to let me know. (A note would have sufficed?). Thanks to my quick reflexes I don’t think he saw me and would therefore not be scarred for life!  However from that moment, I knew it was gonna be “one of those days”.

The day included getting lost (bad directions) using keys that hated me (and wouldn’t unlock the doors!)  Having to show the rather fit client some houses (the one with the girlfriend) and lastly a client pulling up to a viewing in a car identical to mine – but clean!

I ended up doing an “open morning” in a rented house which is up for sale. The tenant has two kids and many, many, many toys. So I’m sat there on the sofa on my own in an empty house reading my emails on the blackberry while I wait for the clients to arrive. I’ve been there about ten minutes and out of nowhere a toy doll starts to make crying and screaming noises? Scared the living daylights out of me! I’m assuming its motion activated but I hadn’t moved and was sitting at the other end of the room? (Spooky) To make it worse I couldn’t shut the bloody thing up! I had to find it’s off button to stop it. My clients showed up soon after and thought it was hilarious! I didn’t! Needless to say I waited outside for the next lot to arrive!!

The day ended on a high though as I found my favourite wine on offer at my local shops, so naturally I emptied the shelf (you know in case I have any more days like this!)

So back to dating news let’s start where we left off, my date with Camberley guy was ok but there was no chemistry, actually there was no “anything”. To the extent that an hour or so in to the date we started to run out of things to talk about which is not a good sign – as you know I can talk for England.

I made the classic mistake of talking to too many men online before agreeing a date – I do this all the time and I never learn. The problem is that if you are corresponding with more than one man at one time there is the likelihood that you will mix up things that that they have told you.

Like a good girl I did my homework before the actual date to make sure I don’t make the ultimate faux pas.

I worked out on the day of the date that we had not covered his living arrangements.  So you can imagine my horror when it transpired that he lived with his grandparents? Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that financially he was making an astute decision. When he broke up with his ex he needed to find somewhere to live and his mum suggested his grand parents, he assured me their house is big enough and he is saving up for a deposit for his own property.

However he had been there 2 years now, call me selfish but even though I love my family with all my heart I could not live with them on a permanent basis. I also can not imagine having a shag while nanny and granddad are sleeping in the room next door???? I just can’t do it! I’m sorry.

Like I said we ran out of things to talk about and when you’re mind starts to wonder if you can get this date wrapped up in the next twenty minutes whether there may be time to do a quick detour to see the FWB on your way home? Well, then you know he’s not the one! (No I didn’t actually do it, I was just thinking about it!).

He sent me a really sweet text the next day to say (and I quote) “Thank you for making me realise that not everyone on the dating site are weirdo’s and that there are normal decent and attractive women on there”. Aaaaaaw normal? Me? If only you knew! Lol!

So moving on what else has been happening in NoshWorld? Well preparations for my holiday are in full swing, I spent 4 hours traipsing around the town centre trying to find a bikini to fit me, unfortunately halter neck bikini’s are “in” this season but they aren’t really designed for the “fuller busted” lady and besides they give me neck ache. So by hour four I was delighted to find a bikini that did fit.

The fact that it has gel padding and gives me what can only be described as an instant boob job didn’t put me off! So what if on holiday my boobs will enter the room a full 30 seconds before I do? Lol! On the plus side the bikini top may help me stay afloat in the swimming pool? Or have the opposite effect and pull me under? (It is surprisingly heavy!) Either way I don’t care, it fit and I bought it!

Talking of boobs I got my Osteopath in to a bit of a fluster last week. My shoulder blade was causing me discomfort so I decided I needed it treated and just to be sure I managed to trip and twist my ankle in my “body attack” class half an hour before the appointment (I like to get my money’s worth!). So I show up in a short skirt and a vest top (if the skirt is short enough you don’t have to strip to your underwear), I’d managed to ladder my tights on the way to my appointment so when I got there I took them off and put them in his bin.

As I’m quite comfortable in his company I asked him if it was alright to take my bra off as I wanted a deep tissue massage on my upper back and the bra is just too constraining, he was like “you don’t have to ask my permission to take your bra off”. Cheeky git but he did make me giggle. After a few minutes he was like “I think I’d better empty the bin after you leave because the tights look really dodgy?” I suppose he was right, it did look really suspicious especially as I had my hair in a loose bun and it was all dishevelled by the time the treatment was done!

Afterwards I paid and left, halfway out of the leisure centre it dawned on me that something didn’t feel right? In horror I touch my boobs and realise I’ve forgotten to put my bra back on, if that isn’t bad enough I’ve actually left my bra in his office????

Never mind the tights looking dodgy, try explaining the bra to the cleaner! Lol. I couldn’t remember which treatment room we had been in and as all the doors were shut I had to knock and wait patiently, he took his time, it turned out he was semi undressed as he was getting changed to go home!

I was like “it would help if I took my bra with me?” He was like “you left your bra here?????!!”  I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in ages, people must have thought I was demented, walking back to my car, with messed up hair, giggling to myself with my bra in clear view in my handbag (couldn’t get the bag shut). It could only happen to me!

Moving swiftly on back to the dating - it has been a bit slow on the dating front as I’ve kind of let my work and my social life take over temporarily - Gasp. I had the man with all the tattoos (like all over his body) contact me but all I could think was “you’re no Michael Schofield mate!” (aka Wentworth Miller – I still love you).

There was the guy who at first glance declares himself to be “40” but further on in his profile confesses that he is 45 but the website won’t let him change it? Really?  45? Really?  Looked more in your fifties mate! Sorry next.

Oooh I did get another email from “the guy with the 3 questions” (from the last blog) and it was a really good first email, unfortunately I know that’s all he’s good for so I didn’t bother responding!

The guy who had been on “Dinner date” so can cook? Shame as he really wasn’t my type!

Though I have to confess I have just started corresponding with a very hot policeman – very , very hot policeman! Tiny bit younger than me but with abs like that I’m willing to overlook the “age” thing! Hee Hee.

There’s also the personal trainer who wants a woman “that will not give up her life just because she met someone, but she will add me to her life and I will do the same”. Sounds perfect doesn’t he? Well you never know, believe me I will be talking to this one soon!

There was also the very successful writer who I’m still thinking about but he seems to have a very busy life and I’m not sure how it would work but we shall see. Watch this space! (May be it hasn’t been as slow as I thought!)

In the mean time “Operation Turkey” is full steam ahead from now on so I’m afraid he man hunt will just have to wait until I get back. If I don’t sort out a date with the policeman/PT/Writer I’m considering a speed dating event in London soon, hopefully with a male friend if he’s up for it so will keep you posted.

On a more personal note I’m abstaining from sex too! Gasp! Not through choice I might add but because I had Cryotherapy treatment for abnormal cells on my cervix and am not allowed “sexual relations” for 4 weeks???! Like seriously??? I didn’t dare ask the doctor if the “Rabbit” classed as “sexual relations” Lol!

What made me giggle was that I was given a choice of three treatments (with about 5 minutes to make a decision because I didn’t realise I was going to have the treatment the same day) I picked the one that said I could continue with my exercise regime?! Apparently I can give up sex but I can’t give up Body Combat???! Lol!  My addiction has reached new heights! Besides a month before my holiday is not a time to stop exercising!

You know when you’re told you’re not allowed to do something (even if it is for medical reasons) its all you can think about? Every TV channel or radio station you turn on, they’re talking about, initiating it or actually doing it! I park my car in the public car park at work and the only space free is number 69? Even the car park is taunting me!  My main concern is this 4 week deprivation ends just as I fly out on holiday? Great I’ll be randy as hell in a foreign country – god help us all!

On a more serious note I’m a great believer in preventative treatment and I think both sexes need regular checks on their “man” and “lady” parts, so if you’re reading this (and hopefully having a giggle) and realise you’ve not been “checked” for a while or have been putting off your check up because you’re “busy” please bear in mind nothing is as important as your health and dead puts a sharp end to busy! Lecture over.

I remember reading an article about a lady who wasn’t diagnosed in time and had cervical cancer which though treated successfully left her unable to have sex ever again – can you imagine? That article scarred me for life! She was however looking for love and it hadn’t put her off finding the right man. (Bet she finds one before I do!)

This month has seen a few people I know being diagnosed with cancer including my Aunt being diagnosed only this weekend. It seems to be everywhere at the moment. With that in mind I’m going to be cheeky and remind you that I’m running the race for life again this year in 4 weeks time (OMG) and want to raise as much money as I can for cancer research so if you haven’t sponsored me already and want to do so please use the link below. (See how I did that???? I managed to get this into a blog?!!Hee hee – it is for a good cause)  

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/noshabaRmalik

Remember it will be extra hard for me this year as I’ll be lugging around a few extra pounds as I’m intending to stuff my face on holiday (it is all inclusive!) Yeah, yeah I can see the sympathy subsiding sharply!  So on that note I bid you farewell, until next time.

Thank you for reading!

Is it ever ok to overestimate a person’s age? Can a “Confidence Dating Workshop” turn you into a Fussy B1tch and are there any normal, single men left out there?

Well it’s my one year anniversary of being single and to celebrate I decided to attend a “Confidence Dating workshop” run by a dating site based in Kent.

It was held in a hotel in Maidstone and I have to say I was feeling quite confident until I couldn’t find the turning into the hotel and ended up missing it completely and going down to the next junction and back. (Thank god for my sat nav!) To make matters worse once I arrived I had no idea where to go (there had been no instructions), my enquiry at the reception desk was fruitless, (I was welcome to attend Slimming World? Yeah thanks for that option – bitch!).

I panic dialled the dating site and was told to head to the bar and look out for a 6 foot blonde woman called Julie! Fantastic! So it’s not embarrassing enough that the bar staff know that I’m single (because I had to ask them if the lady from the dating site had arrived), I’m now sitting in the middle of a hotel bar, on my own, holding a glass of wine. If this doesn’t scream “I’m desperate” I really don’t know what does.  

To make matters worse I’m then approached by a tall brunette who asks me if “I’m waiting for any one?” Like seriously? Are you hitting on me? Praying that she is the organiser and stopping myself from saying something stupid like “I think I’m waiting for you” I smiled politely and said “Are you Julie?” To my relief she was, so I followed her to the other side of the bar to meet the others………………………all TWO of them! (Turns out they can’t guarantee the number of attendees, some months they have in excess of ten and sometimes just the three of us).

So a bit about the host, she was 42, slim build, smartly dressed, 6 foot brunette, she’s been married and divorced and has found love (not sure if this was online). She’s trained as a “life coach” and runs several different workshops for the dating site though she is “self employed”.  She runs workshops on how to dress, how to colour co-ordinate outfits to suit your body??  She can even (at a substantial cost) give you a complete make over and you can have professional photos taken for your profile.

Personally I’ve never understood the point in putting “professional” pictures on a dating site? It’s not how you look 9 to 5? Hell it’s not how you look ever? Also I understand you want to look your best to attract the opposite sex but what’s the point if the pic is so much different to the reality? (And it always is). Why set such a high bar when you can rarely live up to the standard? Do you really want to make that much effort before every date?

Anyway she’s there to answer any dating questions and to try to encourage people back onto the dating scene. I have to say I was quite sceptical but also curious so I went in with an open mind, not knowing what to expect. Also I was considering may be doing something similar in the future? (i.e. running workshops).

So armed with a glass of wine I sat through an hour and a half discussion trying to establish where I’ve been going wrong so far, in my quest to find Mr Right. 

Like I said there was three of us, me, a lady in her early Forties who declared she had been married for ten years but bored shitless for over 6! Really? You spent 6 years bored? Imagine how he felt? She then went on to say she had just been on a couple of dates with a man but felt a bit threatened by him (in that she thought he may become violent) so decided to dump him. She then proceeded to ask the life coach if she had made the right decision ???. Erm (let me think about this) No? why don’t you see him again and see if you’re hunch was right? With any luck he may knock some sense into you? For the love of god, of cause you made the right decision! Always go with your gut instinct, it’s what we women are renowned for!

The other participant was a man in his late fifties was explaining how dating sites weren’t working for him and how he had sent 40 “winks” in one night without a single response. The life coach’s response was ”well what does that show you? It shows you women don’t respond to winks” In other words put some effort in! Doh!

Because there were so few of us there I had a better opportunity to get involved with the discussion which I found beneficial. So the basic advice I was given was to go for someone sporty because men who participate in regular sport are more motivated and have drive. They are also more independent as they have their own interests. (and fit! Hee hee).

She said because I work so hard I need someone with a similar work ethic. She also said I needed to be more selective (fussy for a better word!) and to use more “quality” dating sites in order to find the right man. She said if I wanted a man who reads “The Sun” (then I should stay with a free site) but if I wanted a man who reads the “Financial Times” (switch to an expensive one). To be honest I’d quite like a man in the middle if at all possible? I’ve also tried both types of sites and found that I was wasting my money and no better off?

Lastly she re-alliterated that it is a numbers game and that a suitable man is out there but more effort needs to be put in to find him. She couldn’t see a reason why I wouldn’t find one.

So I walked away feeling like I’d been to a counselling session – group therapy for the single person. It helped me to refocus on what it is that I am looking for and therefore found it an enlightening experience that I would recommend.

Most importantly I learnt that I have no interest in becoming a life coach or running dating workshops, I don’t have the patience to deal with some of these people. It’s just not for me, I also learnt that there are some very vulnerable people out there.

Amazingly once I’d become refocused there seemed to be men everywhere! Walking down the street were hot men, workmen at the gym – hot! Even the new guy at work – very hot! Lol. I had to do a double take when he came into the office (I’d been off on his first day so had missed all the introductions). My boss never hires hot men? It just not what we do!

I have to quickly point out there is one thing that really annoys me about working in an office and being single because the minute someone new starts, the race is on to see if they are single and if they can be set up with any other singleton in the office (bear in mind this set up is always initiated by the "married" people - probably because they are so happy in a couple they can't bear you not to be!) It’s a bit like saying well if you’re both single or both gay you must fancy each other? It’s the same with Asian men and women?  You make a nice couple? Really? You sure it’s not just because we’re both brown???? For the record he wasn’t Asian.

We ended up going for drinks after work where I was probably dealt one of the worst insults I’ve ever heard! We’d been discussing ages (I didn’t start this conversation) we had established that out of the two new men at work one was 38 and one was 40, however I was not expecting to be judged at 42????!!! Never been so insulted in my life!

I couldn’t work out if he was being genuine and just not good at telling ages (It didn’t help that I was feeling a bit fat and frumpy anyway!) or whether he was being nasty to knock me down a peg or two, which kind of upset me?  In his defence he couldn’t apologise enough and I did take the mega piss out of him for ages! Lol! I text several of my friends who were outraged!! Lol! You can go off a man you know??!

So the following night, my confidence in tatters (not really) I hit the town with Bestie for her birthday – actually we hit a few bottles of champagne first (and some chocolate cake to soak up some of the alcohol) then we hit the town. First time in ten years I got refused entry into a club for not having ID! Unbelievable! 

Turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we ended up in JJ Whispers, I have to admit I’m a JJ virgin and I was shocked at the level of talent in there  - yes I know in Crawley – seriously?! (It is popular with the men in my gym) Off the top of my head there were at least 5 hot men in the 2 hours that we spent strutting our stuff on the dance floor (before the club shut).

To put this into perspective on an average night out I’m more than likely going to find one man attractive if any?! I made eye contact with a stunning bloke, nicely dressed, clean shaven with gorgeous eyes who was making his way towards me, in the back of my mind I’m thinking I recognise this guy but no idea where from. He came over and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek and said “well if it isn’t my favourite estate agent” I was like “bugger” I do know him and he has a girlfriend!!  Life is soooo unfair! Lol!

Back to the online dating, armed with a new sense of purpose being told it’s a numbers game and statistically 1 in 5 relationships now start online. I’ve been clocking up some serious numbers!  Unfortunately not the type of men you want to spend your life with! (Well not for me anyway).

There was the guy whose profile sounded ok until I got to the bit about his biggest ambition in life? His biggest ambition in life…………………………………….wait for it……………..is to be on “Come Dine with me”.  Like seriously? Are you frikking kidding me???? That is your ambition in life? Not to be successful, or happy or content with life or to meet the right person? Nope you want to be on a TV show! Good Luck with that!

Then there was the guy who’s opening email was that he had 3 questions for me to which I responded “well come on don’t keep a girl in suspense” (Good response I thought??)  Unfortunately the opening line was as good as it got, by the third question I’d totally lost interest! Lol! I suppose in fairness to him he never said he had 3 interesting questions to ask me?

There was the guy who had the pigeons (35 to be precise) and liked to go for a drive in the evening? WTF am I gonna do with 35 pigeons and you like to go for a drive in the evening??????? Unless you drive a Lamborghini and want to take it out for the buzz I totally don't get it.

Then there’s people with a few pictures and you’re never sure which picture they actually look like because you don’t know how long ago they were taken. This one guy had two pictures (out of about 7) where I thought he looked ok but were blatantly taken on holiday, when I read his profile he said he hadn’t been away for a really long time? So I didn’t know how old they were. I’ll never know now.

There was the guy with long hair – greasy to boot and a big nose – god even I admit I’m getting fussy now!

The guy that said “If love was a colour you would be my rainbow” What a wanker, I’m sorry?? Really not my type! Lol!

The guy who said he wanted to buy me things and spoil me? I emailed him back to say you realise you can’t buy love? I don’t think he understood – which is a shame because I quite liked his picture.

Then there was the guy that sent me a long poem type email (I should have deleted and moved on), I didn’t I emailed him back and asked him to send me a normal email rather than a generic one that told me nothing about himself! (Only because he lived within a 20 mile radius and looked ok)

He did (kudos to you him).  We exchanged a few emails, then he told me he had tried a body combat class and it wasn’t for him (fair enough)  and that he was glad I wasn’t looking for a man who’s a “gym bunny” because even though he hasn’t rejoined the gym yet, when he does he doesn’t intend to go often? WTF? What is the point in joining a gym if you don’t intend to go?  All that shows me is that you’re not very motivated and you give up on things easily?  I totally lost interest but I did respond saying that I definitely don’t care if a man is into the gym or not as long as he takes care of himself and stays in shape, the means is not important as everyone is different.  That’s the last I heard from him! Lol (Kind of what I was aiming for! Hee hee).

Lastly there was the guy in the army who’s attitude totally sucked, I understand that may be you’ve had a bad experience from the free dating site or met some bitchy women but surely if you can face a war in Afghanistan you can handle a few harsh women? We are not all the same, his lack of self esteem was putting me off a bit and when I told him that I thought the distance may be a problem he told me not to be so narrow minded. Yeah alright, I don’t let men talk to me like that.  Next!

Are there any normal men left? Like seriously or are they all totally in the head?  I’m a bit concerned that the dating workshop has turned me into a total bitch! Is that possible? Or do I just know what I want and I’m not willing to settle for any less? Should you settle?

Any way the month ended on a better note, turns out my new work colleague is gay and therefore totally unaware of women’s ages! (Is it wrong that I think its ok for a man to mistake me for a 42 year old as long as he’s gay?!)  Just as well really because I was finding it really hard to concentrate at work! Lol! He’s actually a really nice bloke.  What a waste!

I’ve also booked my holiday I’m going back to Turkey (though a different part of it) I’m counting down to all that sunbathing and wine on tap, am desperately trying to lose a few pounds so I can eat as much as I like when I get there (it is all inclusive!). Can not wait!

Lastly by golly I have a date! As Paddy would say “Single man reveal yourself”! He’s a non smoking, 37 year old from Camberley, Athletic build, and he’s a car mechanic! (Hooray for Herbie) and he’s a fan of “Criminal Minds” and CSI (Hooray for me!)

Wish me luck! As always will keep you updated and thank you for reading

Dating shows, dating etiquette and all manners of inappropriate behaviour!.

So the theme for March was “Me Time” I kept my new years resolution – to slow down the pace and enjoy my time when I’m not working. So I’m doing just that, after having fed the ducks in my local park, I’m sitting here on a bench writing the blog in the April sunshine surrounded by woodland.

I haven’t been dating this month, I've been sorting out my finances and concentrating on my work and its finally starting to pay off, so hopefully I can soon start to concentrate on the last bit of the jigsaw – finding a decent man!.

I’ve been watching dating shows for inspiration or mainly because they are fast becoming my guilty pleasure! “The Love Machine” is the newest dating game showing on Sky Living. You spin the wheel, land on a man or woman and decide whether you want to ditch or date? You then get to meet them on the stage, answer a few questions and decide if you want to take them on holiday and see how you get on or ditch them for a final spin of the wheel?. 

It’s obviously all based on looks and first impressions as the contestants don’t get to speak. It’s hilarious the things people get rejected over, the size of their noses, their height, chest hair, too much make-up, too much hair gel, then there was the girl who ditched her date at the last minute because he was a Libra????!

Then again I can’t talk I’ve dismissed guys because they wear big gold chains, have bushy eyebrows or are overweight.

There was the guy who was very picky and went on and on about how looks didn’t matter and he was only interested in the women’s personalities which made me laugh. Erm mate you’re on the WRONG show!!  You don’t know anything about the women, all you can do is judge on appearance and first impressions?.

He then went on to discount every women on her clothing – too loud, too dressy, too much cleavage, too short, too bright, too clubby, the list went on and on.  Got me to thinking about first impressions, I know you shouldn’t make snap judgements based on looks or profiles, but let’s be honest, we all do it?

What do you wear on a first date? I’ve read articles stating you must not wear strapless or low cut tops (referring to the women obviously, I suppose if a man showed up in a strapless top I’d be pretty freaked out?). They say not to be too overdressed or under dressed? I personally think if its gonna go one way or the other I’d much rather be overdressed any day of the week, because you know it ladies you can always rock the look! For the men in any doubt you’ll always look hot in a suit! (Hubba hubba)

It also said that you shouldn’t be afraid to show off your shape just not too provocatively or in a “bondage” way – so I can’t wear my PVC top and mini skirt then???. Shame!

I think you should wear what you feel most comfortable and confident in as dating is nerve racking enough on its own. I tend to dress dependent on the weather so if the sun is shining I will probably show up in a skirt and top, if it’s raining or snowing I’ll be in jeans! Unless we are going to a restaurant then I’ll probably be in a dress.

I always try not to flash too much cleavage; I think that’s better left for the second date! I dread to think what that bloke would have said about my outfits!

I sometimes wish I’d taken more time making judgements and then may be I wouldn’t have dated the guys I did recently? Then again you have to draw the line somewhere and give people a chance or you could miss out on a good thing. Hindsight’s a bitch!

I also watched “The Undateables” last week, it was fascinating. I found the programme and the people featured totally inspirational, they had a multitude of obstacles working against them but they were still optimistic and determined to find love and had joined an "introduction agency". For that alone they deserve respect.

The guy with Tourettes was my favourite, he did stand up comedy routines and didn’t take himself too seriously. He did make me giggle though with words like “whore” and “bitch” and “She’s a squirter”, I pissed myself when the lady from the dating agency showed up to meet him and he shouted “fat slag” lol! That would be enough to give you a complex surely?!

They set him up on a date with a really pretty, young and bubbly receptionist who was fantastic, she was disappointed that he didn’t swear more as she was oblivious at how hard he was trying not to! He called her a “slut” at one point and she smiled and went ”Well thank you”.  She was brilliant and they got on so well. Call me an old romantic but I really hope things work out well for them.

There was also the 3ft 11 lady whose ideal man was over 6ft and preferably a policeman? (And you call me fussy???!).

Then they had the guy with Asperger’s (which is a form of autism). He was hard work! The dating agency found him a date but he kind of lost it half way through and started to eat her dinner? Lol! I don’t think she knew what to do? In the end she was like, “I have to go now” and got her coat and left!  They then set him up with a French lady with a very strong accent who liked “hoeing?” (Seriously I spat my tea everywhere) she meant “rowing” but her accent was very strong!. They got on really well but in the end he rejected her because he said there was no chemistry???!

He did give me some food for thought (the whole eating her dinner bit) on inappropriate behaviour on a first date? I would be flabbergasted if someone did that to me, I’m a bit like Joey in “Friends” Nosh does not share food! (I can share starters and may be dessert – at a push but the main course is MINE lol!).

Rules on things “not” to do on a first date include, getting drunk (a hard one for me as 2 glasses of wine and I’m well merry – and a cheap date!). The guy I dated earlier in the year thought I was hilarious on the one glass and couldn’t wait to see what I’d be like after two! (I was driving though so he never got to find out!).

Other things deemed “wrong” include, being late – unless you have a really good reason and you let your date know you’re running late.

Being hung over – been there and done that – never again – no I didn’t get a second date! He said there was no chemistry which wasn’t surprising as I’d had 2 hours sleep and was semi comatose through out!!

The biggest No No?  Taking/making a call during the date or texting. Clapham guy said he’d been out for dinner where his date was looking up other men on the dating site on her phone DURING their date! Lol! OMG!! Seriously??? (If you’re gonna do it, be more discreet for god’s sake!).

Then there’s inappropriate behaviour in the workplace. I remember working with a guy who thought it appropriate to fart loudly in the office??! He usually timed this with our lunch breaks or just as I was contemplating having my sandwich, on a plus note he was a brilliant diet aid? In the end my poor boss had to take him into an office to explain the intricacies of office etiquette. It simple go fart in the toilets!

Then there’s people who smell bad and I mean bad, I walked past a security van driver in the High Street the other day and seriously had to hold my breath, if he smells that bad in public what must it be like to sit in a van with him for 12 hour shifts? How does his wife let him out of the house like that???!

My friend who works at a supermarket told me about the janitor who got sacked recently as he thought it appropriate to pee in public while at work? (even if it was first thing in the morning!) They have toilet facilities? You really didn’t need to pee by the recycling bins?? Eeeew.

I used to work with a lady who’s other half liked to drink so much that he would do the most bizarre things including peeing into a 7up bottle and then leaving it on the breakfast counter and passing out on the sofa. Personally I’d be emptying the contents of the bottle over him while he’s still on the sofa (after I’d pulled it out on to the street with a little help from my friends) before disposing of the sofa and him at the same time. Double Eeewww.

I think the worse I’ve had to put up with was when I dated a smoker – not my personal preference but he had other assets I was willing to overlook the smoking for (clears throat) but there were times when it really was like snogging an ashtray which isn’t particularly pleasant. However he was stopped fast in his tracks when he decided to try to snog me straight after a curry (with onions) and a fag, I explained that even though I love onions, I’m not fond of regurgitated ones mixed with ash in my mouth – thanks any way.

The same goes with expecting a blow job in the morning without washing it first?  Erm I know where that was last night (not sure you washed it after???) and my mouth aint going there! Lol.

The same does not however go for alcohol as I have to admit snogging a guy after he’s been drinking whisky is quite nice – tastes a bit like vanilla milkshake! (Don’t ask!!).

Still on the subject of inappropriateness, things not to say to a man in bed – is it in yet? (No I’ve never said it!). Is that the best you can do? (Ok I’ll admit that one but I was joking and he didn’t see the funny side or me again!! Lol)  When being asked if I wanted to join my man in the shower (bearing in mind my monthly’s had just come on) saying “what like a blood bath?” Sooo not the right thing to say!! I am single for a reason! 

Moving swiftly on, the best in “inappropriate behaviour” in the workplace comes direct from a poll run by “Glamour” magazine that stated that 37% of men have…………….wait for it………………….. masturbated in the workplace – Eeeew, we have communal toilets at my work so that’s a double Eeeeewww!  Seriously you can’t wait until you get home???

Yes I know Ann Summers do handbag sized vibes but I’ve never felt the need during the working day? I think us women are just different to you men!

Also not being funny but even though the cubicles are walled floor to ceiling they are not soundproof?? As I recently found out when one of my colleagues had a full blown conversation on her mobile while having a pee! Likewise when I got caught out listening to my voicemails on speaker phone! Lol!

I suppose you could take this one step further like a couple of people I used to work with did by shagging in the disabled toilets/shower room? They were married…………..just not to each other!

I’m so dumb that I was the only person in the office not aware of it? I couldn’t help but wonder, was I the only one doing any bloody work??? It became such a joke that colleagues would follow them out to see if they were going for a fag or a blowjob?. I think things came to  a head (if you pardon the pun) when Christmas Eve they went “MIA” four times during the day – again there’s me with my Christmas hat on all jolly, totally oblivious!

I also didn’t notice the drama unfold behind me when a few weeks later they packed up their stuff and were made “redundant” as of immediate effect as it transpired that someone (from another company in our shared building) had complained that they wanted to use the shower room after a run but couldn’t because 2 of our employees were shagging in there! Lol! For a long time afterwards we were all quite paranoid at going to the toilets at the same time as anyone of the opposite sex! Lol!

To be honest I had heard rumours but I put it down to office gossip mainly because I am an idiot and I believe when you marry someone its because you love them and want to be with them, not cheat on them at every available opportunity?. Besides the man in question got married that year and so was a newlywed and he continued his affair after the wedding? Makes you wonder why people bother to get married?

They say “Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to”. I suppose the “trusting” bit is much harder than it looks.

I will not let this put me off looking for Mr Right though, I’m sure he’s out there somewhere. I am changing tactics slightly, I am in the process of joining a new dating site based in Kent and the surrounding areas as I plan to move that way within the next couple of years so it makes sense to look for a man that way. I’m also planning on attending a “Dating Workshop” to put my dating questions to an “expert” – Can’t wait to see what I discover there and there will be more speed dating at the end of the month so its full steam ahead! As always will keep you posted.

Thanks for reading.

Too many dates, too little time and since when did shagging on the second date become the norm???!

Ok so another month has flown by and the theme for February was “Second Dates.”  Statistically speaking I dated 3 guys over a period of 6 weeks (not at the same time I hasten to add).

What did I learn? I learnt that there’s nothing like going on several dates to push a Single girl over the edge, desperate for some “Me Time” Lol!

On the way back from the “not so successful” weekend with “Portsmouth Guy” I got a call from “Clapham Guy” determined to make up for cancelling a previous first date, so hoping to be third time lucky I had a couple of hours kip, got dressed and drove to the station to meet him.

He was 6ft tall, dark hair, medium build, good looking, charming and genuinely funny without “trying” too hard. He worked in Sales and showed up with an enormous bouquet of flowers! Good start!  He was fours years younger than me but as I’m always being told, age is only but a number?! Besides I’d already dated someone my age and someone 4 years older in the last month so hell, why not a Toy Boy?!

I had my reservations as we had briefly spoken on the phone before the date and I didn’t think we had much in common. He was into extreme sports and I had advised him that Body Combat was not classed as one! He liked mountain biking (I can’t ride a bike) He liked swimming (I don’t swim well) and he liked rock climbing, I explained to him that I get dizzy standing on a chair!

None of that bothered him and he seemed determined to get to know me more. So after a highly entertaining first date where I was relieved that the conversation flowed easily and we had a laugh, I agreed to a second one.  That’s when it all started to go wrong!

Some of this was my fault, I was having a particularly hard time at work (I had taken on a new role which coincided with my company initiating a massive acquisition which is fantastic for the future of the company but it doubled my workload and it didn’t help that we were a staff member down).

Determined to do well and make a good impression on my boss I was finding juggling work, with the gym classes and dating, a bit of a struggle. I had got to the stage where I was starting to get a bit resentful of having to give up my weekends and evenings to go on dates with different men. All I wanted to do was to have one day off, just to myself to do whatever I fancied, even if that was to sit in my pjs and watch back to back episodes of CSI!

His persistent manner was starting to get on my nerves; I seemed to end up doing what he wanted all the time. This resulted in me finding myself in a position I was not entirely comfortable with when he ended up spending the night at my house on the second date..

I kind of couldn’t get out of it, without sounding totally unreasonable? He was due to go see his sister the following day and she only lived a few miles away from me, so I suppose it didn’t make sense for him to go back to London that night and come back the next day? However he could always have gone and stayed at hers? 

It also didn’t help that he was not well and spent the entire night tossing and turning because he could not sleep, any normal person would have gone downstairs or in to the spare room? (I’m being too harsh aren’t I? lol).

The next day I went into work exhausted and was not impressed as my Saturday job involves driving all day which is dangerous when you’re tired. This also put a slight dampener on my plans for the evening as I was too tired to fully enjoy the company of some of my dearest friends when we met up for dinner.

What irritated me further was that he wanted to meet up first thing Sunday morning? When I explained that I would prefer to meet at lunch time as I really wanted a lie in (it’s my only day off) he was quite manipulative with his reasoning as to why we couldn’t do this?. Unfortunately for him, by this stage I’d had more than enough so I postponed the third date until the following weekend. This resulted in a rather uncomfortable phone call on the Sunday where he “tried” to persuade me to change my mind. I had woken up with a migraine (I wonder why) and was starting to feel quite nauseous so I refused.

Also I found it exasperating that he liked to be “spontaneous” rather than “plan” anything for a date which was basically code for we didn’t do anything just spend all our time at my place? Why? I want to go out and do stuff, get to know each other, go on some proper dates, and do things as a couple? Have some fun? Isn’t that what dating is all about?

So when it transpired that he expected the third date to last the entire weekend (from the minute I get home from work Saturday till probably the time I left for work on the Monday) I realised that I felt totally suffocated and I did the unthinkable…………………........................................................................   I dumped him by text – Gasp!  In my defence we had only been on 2 dates (and I hadn’t shagged him) and if I thought I could have talked to him, without him talking me out of it, I would have called him!

So another one bites the dust! I have to say once I’d done this I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt so much more relaxed. I obviously made the right decision as to be honest if I had really liked him I would have wanted to spend all my time with him surely?

I know you shouldn’t compare people you meet to people you have dated in the past but this is harder than you think. Sometimes it’s good to compare? For example the last few men I had relationships with, I was really excited about the second date and was really comfortable throughout, there was no awkwardness, and it was just easy. Surely that’s how it should be? I know they didn’t work out but surely that’s the starting step in any relationship? Or is that too much pressure at this stage? 

I don’t know what’s happening to men nowadays? They seem so needy, clingy and desperate for attention? It’s a bit like they’ve hit an age, realised that their mates are settling down and having babies and with this in mind and pressure from their mums (both Portsmouth & Clapham admitted to this) are looking for someone to settle down with. They are rushing in without rationalising their actions?.

May be I’m over analysing here but what’s strange is that there is a whole new breed of “man” out there who analyse more than us girls do?  Portsmouth Guy was quite insecure about the second date because he knew I had been on a second date with someone else the week before?  He was like “well you didn’t see him again after the second date and you could do that to me?” My response was well I suppose so but isn’t that what dating is all about? Getting to know each other to see if you gel? I don’t go on a second date with the premise that I won’t see this person ever again? However I also do not agree to date 2 and 3 before date one? Believe me the last 3 guys have tried to work this arrangement????! What is that all about?

Then there’s the whole sex thing? Since when did shagging on a second date become the norm?

What’s the rush? Where’s the fire? Am I being old fashioned? The games the guys will play and the manipulation they will use to try to get their own way is truly genius! To the guy who told me I had amazing will power – truth be known you weren’t doing anything to turn me on! Meow! Lol!

Please tell me if I’m being a prude here?  Should you jump into bed with someone you’ve just met? Some people think it’s a good way to get close to someone. (I’m not one of these people!)  I suppose it’s a good way of finding out certain things about the guy – ie does he keep his socks on during sex?  I remember shagging a certain someone who kept his T shirt on? I was like “take it off take it off” which he did to reveal a really hairy back, I was like put it back on, put it back on! Lol!

Its ok I did continue to date him for 6 months as he had a six pack and had amazing arms! Lol!  (Actually that’s unfair he had a Masters degree and was very talented in many ways!)  He also did get his back waxed and no I didn’t make him do it!

Also as a general rule I don’t kiss on a first date, now I know this sounds like a lot of rules (there is a reason why I’m single!) The reason for this is that I’m petrified at the thought of going on a first date, if I had to consider the idea that I may have to kiss someone too I would not get out of the house, you would find me under my duvet!

Admittedly I did date a guy a few years ago and we had got to date 3 or 4 and hadn’t even snogged? That was a nightmare! The longer we left it the worse it got! I was starting to resign myself to the fact that it just might never happen!  I think the problem was that we had been out for each date and I’m not really into snogging in public. It turned out I had nothing to worry about and he was a great kisser! Woohoo!

So out of my 3 recent second dates, I had one I just didn’t want to snog, one who asked me if he could kiss me and one that jumped me? Seriously MEN!

So I do believe all three men came away thinking I was totally frigid which made me giggle!

So I went back to the dating site to see what else was on offer.

There was the 38 year old 5ft 6 Asian God (Sooooo not his real picture!) He had completed his profile to say he lived in the “Land of Paradise” Really? Is that within 30 miles of me because I don’t really fancy travelling too far for a date?!  He had written “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh” about himself and wanted to take me (or any female really) to bed on a first date. Awesome! Lets do it! Not.

There was the man who had a carpet shop in Woking and told me this in his introductory email; actually this is all he told me about himself??? – I do need new carpets but I thought better of it.

The guy who looked like a mass murderer in his pics! (I watch too much Criminal Minds!) May be if he smiled it would make him look more personable?

There was an alright looking guy but he had issues with sleeping? I was going to google the exact term that he used but what’s the point? I love my sleep and am a moody cow if I don’t get any! So it would never work!

There was the fat, ugly, old man who sent me an email asking me if I could send him some lezzie pics? I sent him a reply saying “excuse me?” he didn’t have the balls to respond! Lol!

The guy with the email that was 3 pages long telling me how beautiful I was and how perfect we would be together as a couple. Funny that because didn’t you send me the exact same email last month? You obviously like to copy and paste? Busted!!

Lastly there was the guy that made me gasp – and not in a good way! In his profile he said he was looking for a 36-32-34 body with a zero IQ and then had the nerve to email me! Yeah I was sooooo offended I couldn’t even come up with a response to that one! Lol!

So yeah I’m still out there, though I am taking a few weeks off from dating to chill out and spend some time with my friends and family. Who knows what’s around the corner. I’ll keep you updated.

Thank you for reading.