Dating shows, dating etiquette and all manners of inappropriate behaviour!.

So the theme for March was “Me Time” I kept my new years resolution – to slow down the pace and enjoy my time when I’m not working. So I’m doing just that, after having fed the ducks in my local park, I’m sitting here on a bench writing the blog in the April sunshine surrounded by woodland.

I haven’t been dating this month, I've been sorting out my finances and concentrating on my work and its finally starting to pay off, so hopefully I can soon start to concentrate on the last bit of the jigsaw – finding a decent man!.

I’ve been watching dating shows for inspiration or mainly because they are fast becoming my guilty pleasure! “The Love Machine” is the newest dating game showing on Sky Living. You spin the wheel, land on a man or woman and decide whether you want to ditch or date? You then get to meet them on the stage, answer a few questions and decide if you want to take them on holiday and see how you get on or ditch them for a final spin of the wheel?. 

It’s obviously all based on looks and first impressions as the contestants don’t get to speak. It’s hilarious the things people get rejected over, the size of their noses, their height, chest hair, too much make-up, too much hair gel, then there was the girl who ditched her date at the last minute because he was a Libra????!

Then again I can’t talk I’ve dismissed guys because they wear big gold chains, have bushy eyebrows or are overweight.

There was the guy who was very picky and went on and on about how looks didn’t matter and he was only interested in the women’s personalities which made me laugh. Erm mate you’re on the WRONG show!!  You don’t know anything about the women, all you can do is judge on appearance and first impressions?.

He then went on to discount every women on her clothing – too loud, too dressy, too much cleavage, too short, too bright, too clubby, the list went on and on.  Got me to thinking about first impressions, I know you shouldn’t make snap judgements based on looks or profiles, but let’s be honest, we all do it?

What do you wear on a first date? I’ve read articles stating you must not wear strapless or low cut tops (referring to the women obviously, I suppose if a man showed up in a strapless top I’d be pretty freaked out?). They say not to be too overdressed or under dressed? I personally think if its gonna go one way or the other I’d much rather be overdressed any day of the week, because you know it ladies you can always rock the look! For the men in any doubt you’ll always look hot in a suit! (Hubba hubba)

It also said that you shouldn’t be afraid to show off your shape just not too provocatively or in a “bondage” way – so I can’t wear my PVC top and mini skirt then???. Shame!

I think you should wear what you feel most comfortable and confident in as dating is nerve racking enough on its own. I tend to dress dependent on the weather so if the sun is shining I will probably show up in a skirt and top, if it’s raining or snowing I’ll be in jeans! Unless we are going to a restaurant then I’ll probably be in a dress.

I always try not to flash too much cleavage; I think that’s better left for the second date! I dread to think what that bloke would have said about my outfits!

I sometimes wish I’d taken more time making judgements and then may be I wouldn’t have dated the guys I did recently? Then again you have to draw the line somewhere and give people a chance or you could miss out on a good thing. Hindsight’s a bitch!

I also watched “The Undateables” last week, it was fascinating. I found the programme and the people featured totally inspirational, they had a multitude of obstacles working against them but they were still optimistic and determined to find love and had joined an "introduction agency". For that alone they deserve respect.

The guy with Tourettes was my favourite, he did stand up comedy routines and didn’t take himself too seriously. He did make me giggle though with words like “whore” and “bitch” and “She’s a squirter”, I pissed myself when the lady from the dating agency showed up to meet him and he shouted “fat slag” lol! That would be enough to give you a complex surely?!

They set him up on a date with a really pretty, young and bubbly receptionist who was fantastic, she was disappointed that he didn’t swear more as she was oblivious at how hard he was trying not to! He called her a “slut” at one point and she smiled and went ”Well thank you”.  She was brilliant and they got on so well. Call me an old romantic but I really hope things work out well for them.

There was also the 3ft 11 lady whose ideal man was over 6ft and preferably a policeman? (And you call me fussy???!).

Then they had the guy with Asperger’s (which is a form of autism). He was hard work! The dating agency found him a date but he kind of lost it half way through and started to eat her dinner? Lol! I don’t think she knew what to do? In the end she was like, “I have to go now” and got her coat and left!  They then set him up with a French lady with a very strong accent who liked “hoeing?” (Seriously I spat my tea everywhere) she meant “rowing” but her accent was very strong!. They got on really well but in the end he rejected her because he said there was no chemistry???!

He did give me some food for thought (the whole eating her dinner bit) on inappropriate behaviour on a first date? I would be flabbergasted if someone did that to me, I’m a bit like Joey in “Friends” Nosh does not share food! (I can share starters and may be dessert – at a push but the main course is MINE lol!).

Rules on things “not” to do on a first date include, getting drunk (a hard one for me as 2 glasses of wine and I’m well merry – and a cheap date!). The guy I dated earlier in the year thought I was hilarious on the one glass and couldn’t wait to see what I’d be like after two! (I was driving though so he never got to find out!).

Other things deemed “wrong” include, being late – unless you have a really good reason and you let your date know you’re running late.

Being hung over – been there and done that – never again – no I didn’t get a second date! He said there was no chemistry which wasn’t surprising as I’d had 2 hours sleep and was semi comatose through out!!

The biggest No No?  Taking/making a call during the date or texting. Clapham guy said he’d been out for dinner where his date was looking up other men on the dating site on her phone DURING their date! Lol! OMG!! Seriously??? (If you’re gonna do it, be more discreet for god’s sake!).

Then there’s inappropriate behaviour in the workplace. I remember working with a guy who thought it appropriate to fart loudly in the office??! He usually timed this with our lunch breaks or just as I was contemplating having my sandwich, on a plus note he was a brilliant diet aid? In the end my poor boss had to take him into an office to explain the intricacies of office etiquette. It simple go fart in the toilets!

Then there’s people who smell bad and I mean bad, I walked past a security van driver in the High Street the other day and seriously had to hold my breath, if he smells that bad in public what must it be like to sit in a van with him for 12 hour shifts? How does his wife let him out of the house like that???!

My friend who works at a supermarket told me about the janitor who got sacked recently as he thought it appropriate to pee in public while at work? (even if it was first thing in the morning!) They have toilet facilities? You really didn’t need to pee by the recycling bins?? Eeeew.

I used to work with a lady who’s other half liked to drink so much that he would do the most bizarre things including peeing into a 7up bottle and then leaving it on the breakfast counter and passing out on the sofa. Personally I’d be emptying the contents of the bottle over him while he’s still on the sofa (after I’d pulled it out on to the street with a little help from my friends) before disposing of the sofa and him at the same time. Double Eeewww.

I think the worse I’ve had to put up with was when I dated a smoker – not my personal preference but he had other assets I was willing to overlook the smoking for (clears throat) but there were times when it really was like snogging an ashtray which isn’t particularly pleasant. However he was stopped fast in his tracks when he decided to try to snog me straight after a curry (with onions) and a fag, I explained that even though I love onions, I’m not fond of regurgitated ones mixed with ash in my mouth – thanks any way.

The same goes with expecting a blow job in the morning without washing it first?  Erm I know where that was last night (not sure you washed it after???) and my mouth aint going there! Lol.

The same does not however go for alcohol as I have to admit snogging a guy after he’s been drinking whisky is quite nice – tastes a bit like vanilla milkshake! (Don’t ask!!).

Still on the subject of inappropriateness, things not to say to a man in bed – is it in yet? (No I’ve never said it!). Is that the best you can do? (Ok I’ll admit that one but I was joking and he didn’t see the funny side or me again!! Lol)  When being asked if I wanted to join my man in the shower (bearing in mind my monthly’s had just come on) saying “what like a blood bath?” Sooo not the right thing to say!! I am single for a reason! 

Moving swiftly on, the best in “inappropriate behaviour” in the workplace comes direct from a poll run by “Glamour” magazine that stated that 37% of men have…………….wait for it………………….. masturbated in the workplace – Eeeew, we have communal toilets at my work so that’s a double Eeeeewww!  Seriously you can’t wait until you get home???

Yes I know Ann Summers do handbag sized vibes but I’ve never felt the need during the working day? I think us women are just different to you men!

Also not being funny but even though the cubicles are walled floor to ceiling they are not soundproof?? As I recently found out when one of my colleagues had a full blown conversation on her mobile while having a pee! Likewise when I got caught out listening to my voicemails on speaker phone! Lol!

I suppose you could take this one step further like a couple of people I used to work with did by shagging in the disabled toilets/shower room? They were married…………..just not to each other!

I’m so dumb that I was the only person in the office not aware of it? I couldn’t help but wonder, was I the only one doing any bloody work??? It became such a joke that colleagues would follow them out to see if they were going for a fag or a blowjob?. I think things came to  a head (if you pardon the pun) when Christmas Eve they went “MIA” four times during the day – again there’s me with my Christmas hat on all jolly, totally oblivious!

I also didn’t notice the drama unfold behind me when a few weeks later they packed up their stuff and were made “redundant” as of immediate effect as it transpired that someone (from another company in our shared building) had complained that they wanted to use the shower room after a run but couldn’t because 2 of our employees were shagging in there! Lol! For a long time afterwards we were all quite paranoid at going to the toilets at the same time as anyone of the opposite sex! Lol!

To be honest I had heard rumours but I put it down to office gossip mainly because I am an idiot and I believe when you marry someone its because you love them and want to be with them, not cheat on them at every available opportunity?. Besides the man in question got married that year and so was a newlywed and he continued his affair after the wedding? Makes you wonder why people bother to get married?

They say “Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to”. I suppose the “trusting” bit is much harder than it looks.

I will not let this put me off looking for Mr Right though, I’m sure he’s out there somewhere. I am changing tactics slightly, I am in the process of joining a new dating site based in Kent and the surrounding areas as I plan to move that way within the next couple of years so it makes sense to look for a man that way. I’m also planning on attending a “Dating Workshop” to put my dating questions to an “expert” – Can’t wait to see what I discover there and there will be more speed dating at the end of the month so its full steam ahead! As always will keep you posted.

Thanks for reading.