The month of May - It’s all about the boobs and no sex allowed – bring on the holiday I say!

You know when you’re fast asleep and you’re semi consciously thinking isn’t it great that the alarm hasn’t gone off yet?. You open one eye just to see how much longer you can stay snuggled up in bed? Then realise that BUGGER you didn’t set the alarm last night and that you should have been up half an hour ago? Yeah that’s how my Saturday morning began.

By the time I’d showered and applied my make up in record breaking time I was feeling quite nauseas. I made my way downstairs for some breakfast, admittedly in my underwear (I don’t want to get my breakfast down my work clothes) I opened the blinds in the lounge to let in some light and am confronted by a workman!

My not so lovely neighbour (who I used to get along with really well until she became a psycho and screamed at me for asking her about the broken fence in our back garden) had finally got round to getting a new one put up, but as she blatantly isn’t talking to me, she didn’t bother to let me know. (A note would have sufficed?). Thanks to my quick reflexes I don’t think he saw me and would therefore not be scarred for life!  However from that moment, I knew it was gonna be “one of those days”.

The day included getting lost (bad directions) using keys that hated me (and wouldn’t unlock the doors!)  Having to show the rather fit client some houses (the one with the girlfriend) and lastly a client pulling up to a viewing in a car identical to mine – but clean!

I ended up doing an “open morning” in a rented house which is up for sale. The tenant has two kids and many, many, many toys. So I’m sat there on the sofa on my own in an empty house reading my emails on the blackberry while I wait for the clients to arrive. I’ve been there about ten minutes and out of nowhere a toy doll starts to make crying and screaming noises? Scared the living daylights out of me! I’m assuming its motion activated but I hadn’t moved and was sitting at the other end of the room? (Spooky) To make it worse I couldn’t shut the bloody thing up! I had to find it’s off button to stop it. My clients showed up soon after and thought it was hilarious! I didn’t! Needless to say I waited outside for the next lot to arrive!!

The day ended on a high though as I found my favourite wine on offer at my local shops, so naturally I emptied the shelf (you know in case I have any more days like this!)

So back to dating news let’s start where we left off, my date with Camberley guy was ok but there was no chemistry, actually there was no “anything”. To the extent that an hour or so in to the date we started to run out of things to talk about which is not a good sign – as you know I can talk for England.

I made the classic mistake of talking to too many men online before agreeing a date – I do this all the time and I never learn. The problem is that if you are corresponding with more than one man at one time there is the likelihood that you will mix up things that that they have told you.

Like a good girl I did my homework before the actual date to make sure I don’t make the ultimate faux pas.

I worked out on the day of the date that we had not covered his living arrangements.  So you can imagine my horror when it transpired that he lived with his grandparents? Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that financially he was making an astute decision. When he broke up with his ex he needed to find somewhere to live and his mum suggested his grand parents, he assured me their house is big enough and he is saving up for a deposit for his own property.

However he had been there 2 years now, call me selfish but even though I love my family with all my heart I could not live with them on a permanent basis. I also can not imagine having a shag while nanny and granddad are sleeping in the room next door???? I just can’t do it! I’m sorry.

Like I said we ran out of things to talk about and when you’re mind starts to wonder if you can get this date wrapped up in the next twenty minutes whether there may be time to do a quick detour to see the FWB on your way home? Well, then you know he’s not the one! (No I didn’t actually do it, I was just thinking about it!).

He sent me a really sweet text the next day to say (and I quote) “Thank you for making me realise that not everyone on the dating site are weirdo’s and that there are normal decent and attractive women on there”. Aaaaaaw normal? Me? If only you knew! Lol!

So moving on what else has been happening in NoshWorld? Well preparations for my holiday are in full swing, I spent 4 hours traipsing around the town centre trying to find a bikini to fit me, unfortunately halter neck bikini’s are “in” this season but they aren’t really designed for the “fuller busted” lady and besides they give me neck ache. So by hour four I was delighted to find a bikini that did fit.

The fact that it has gel padding and gives me what can only be described as an instant boob job didn’t put me off! So what if on holiday my boobs will enter the room a full 30 seconds before I do? Lol! On the plus side the bikini top may help me stay afloat in the swimming pool? Or have the opposite effect and pull me under? (It is surprisingly heavy!) Either way I don’t care, it fit and I bought it!

Talking of boobs I got my Osteopath in to a bit of a fluster last week. My shoulder blade was causing me discomfort so I decided I needed it treated and just to be sure I managed to trip and twist my ankle in my “body attack” class half an hour before the appointment (I like to get my money’s worth!). So I show up in a short skirt and a vest top (if the skirt is short enough you don’t have to strip to your underwear), I’d managed to ladder my tights on the way to my appointment so when I got there I took them off and put them in his bin.

As I’m quite comfortable in his company I asked him if it was alright to take my bra off as I wanted a deep tissue massage on my upper back and the bra is just too constraining, he was like “you don’t have to ask my permission to take your bra off”. Cheeky git but he did make me giggle. After a few minutes he was like “I think I’d better empty the bin after you leave because the tights look really dodgy?” I suppose he was right, it did look really suspicious especially as I had my hair in a loose bun and it was all dishevelled by the time the treatment was done!

Afterwards I paid and left, halfway out of the leisure centre it dawned on me that something didn’t feel right? In horror I touch my boobs and realise I’ve forgotten to put my bra back on, if that isn’t bad enough I’ve actually left my bra in his office????

Never mind the tights looking dodgy, try explaining the bra to the cleaner! Lol. I couldn’t remember which treatment room we had been in and as all the doors were shut I had to knock and wait patiently, he took his time, it turned out he was semi undressed as he was getting changed to go home!

I was like “it would help if I took my bra with me?” He was like “you left your bra here?????!!”  I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in ages, people must have thought I was demented, walking back to my car, with messed up hair, giggling to myself with my bra in clear view in my handbag (couldn’t get the bag shut). It could only happen to me!

Moving swiftly on back to the dating - it has been a bit slow on the dating front as I’ve kind of let my work and my social life take over temporarily - Gasp. I had the man with all the tattoos (like all over his body) contact me but all I could think was “you’re no Michael Schofield mate!” (aka Wentworth Miller – I still love you).

There was the guy who at first glance declares himself to be “40” but further on in his profile confesses that he is 45 but the website won’t let him change it? Really?  45? Really?  Looked more in your fifties mate! Sorry next.

Oooh I did get another email from “the guy with the 3 questions” (from the last blog) and it was a really good first email, unfortunately I know that’s all he’s good for so I didn’t bother responding!

The guy who had been on “Dinner date” so can cook? Shame as he really wasn’t my type!

Though I have to confess I have just started corresponding with a very hot policeman – very , very hot policeman! Tiny bit younger than me but with abs like that I’m willing to overlook the “age” thing! Hee Hee.

There’s also the personal trainer who wants a woman “that will not give up her life just because she met someone, but she will add me to her life and I will do the same”. Sounds perfect doesn’t he? Well you never know, believe me I will be talking to this one soon!

There was also the very successful writer who I’m still thinking about but he seems to have a very busy life and I’m not sure how it would work but we shall see. Watch this space! (May be it hasn’t been as slow as I thought!)

In the mean time “Operation Turkey” is full steam ahead from now on so I’m afraid he man hunt will just have to wait until I get back. If I don’t sort out a date with the policeman/PT/Writer I’m considering a speed dating event in London soon, hopefully with a male friend if he’s up for it so will keep you posted.

On a more personal note I’m abstaining from sex too! Gasp! Not through choice I might add but because I had Cryotherapy treatment for abnormal cells on my cervix and am not allowed “sexual relations” for 4 weeks???! Like seriously??? I didn’t dare ask the doctor if the “Rabbit” classed as “sexual relations” Lol!

What made me giggle was that I was given a choice of three treatments (with about 5 minutes to make a decision because I didn’t realise I was going to have the treatment the same day) I picked the one that said I could continue with my exercise regime?! Apparently I can give up sex but I can’t give up Body Combat???! Lol!  My addiction has reached new heights! Besides a month before my holiday is not a time to stop exercising!

You know when you’re told you’re not allowed to do something (even if it is for medical reasons) its all you can think about? Every TV channel or radio station you turn on, they’re talking about, initiating it or actually doing it! I park my car in the public car park at work and the only space free is number 69? Even the car park is taunting me!  My main concern is this 4 week deprivation ends just as I fly out on holiday? Great I’ll be randy as hell in a foreign country – god help us all!

On a more serious note I’m a great believer in preventative treatment and I think both sexes need regular checks on their “man” and “lady” parts, so if you’re reading this (and hopefully having a giggle) and realise you’ve not been “checked” for a while or have been putting off your check up because you’re “busy” please bear in mind nothing is as important as your health and dead puts a sharp end to busy! Lecture over.

I remember reading an article about a lady who wasn’t diagnosed in time and had cervical cancer which though treated successfully left her unable to have sex ever again – can you imagine? That article scarred me for life! She was however looking for love and it hadn’t put her off finding the right man. (Bet she finds one before I do!)

This month has seen a few people I know being diagnosed with cancer including my Aunt being diagnosed only this weekend. It seems to be everywhere at the moment. With that in mind I’m going to be cheeky and remind you that I’m running the race for life again this year in 4 weeks time (OMG) and want to raise as much money as I can for cancer research so if you haven’t sponsored me already and want to do so please use the link below. (See how I did that???? I managed to get this into a blog?!!Hee hee – it is for a good cause)  

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/noshabaRmalik

Remember it will be extra hard for me this year as I’ll be lugging around a few extra pounds as I’m intending to stuff my face on holiday (it is all inclusive!) Yeah, yeah I can see the sympathy subsiding sharply!  So on that note I bid you farewell, until next time.

Thank you for reading!