From the magic carpet ride courtesy of Ali Baba to getting wet and wild on the jeep safari, there wasn't a dull moment in Turkey this year!

Merhaba from Turkey! I wish I could say that I was typing this while still sunbathing by the pool, overlooking the cloudless blue sky, in the 35 degree heat, that is Marmaris, in Turkey, but unfortunately I am not. Instead I’m sat here in my study watching the rain lash against the window and the trees sway in the wind which is sweeping the city, welcome back to the UK with a bump!

You want to know the most stressful part of going on holiday? Without a doubt it has to be “packing” or to be precise trying to fit all my clothes, hair products including straighteners and shoes into a suitcase with only a 20kg weight limit (bearing in mind my suitcase empty weighed 5kg? WTF is that all about???!).

Who makes these restrictions anyway? (Bet it was a man!) Surely they are based on two people sharing? I know men pack a million times lighter than women so may be the assumption is that with a couple, between them 40kg is enough? Another reason against singledom I suppose?! I ended up buying a big bag for my hand luggage and all my toiletries airside just to save on luggage allowance! Its easier than finding a man – Though actually that would be a really good idea?, you could advertise beforehand or stand at the check in bit with a placard to say you’re single and see if there’s any one else travelling alone so you can check in together? Genius!! Though knowing my luck it’ll be some obese man with bad breath who snores through out the flight!

I got stopped at security on the way out because I had something suspicious in my bag? You know that feeling when you’re trying to remember what the hell you packed in your hand luggage? (No there were no electrical or vibrating items in my bag before you ask) OMG was it the 2 bananas I shoved in there at the last minute to eat on the taxi ride and had forgotten about? Are you allowed to take fruit abroad?? Or was it my headache pills which weren’t in a packet (to save on weight? – don’t ask!) Did they think they were drugs?. Turned out it was my “illegally” sized deodorant that was the culprit? Like seriously? I wouldn’t have minded but I’d bought a smaller size specifically for the holiday but apparently it was still too big – I obviously have issues with size! Lol!

The flight was fine and we made it to Turkey late Monday morning. Unfortunately as I had booked my holiday separately to my cousin we ended up in separate transfer coaches, I ended up with 2 young couples, the first guy was rather hot (in his 20’s) It always beggars belief how hot men end up with psycho women? His girlfriend really wasn’t all that and to be fair, pretty dumb too? They got in a row as soon as they got on the coach as they were annoyed that the transfer time was an hour and 45 minutes? Erm it tells you that on the brochure and the transfer confirmation details? May be you should learn to read? (Rolling of eyes) Children today! Lol! I took out my contact lenses and had a snooze! Lol! Luckily I was the first drop off – yippee!

I spent the first couple of days sunbathing and relaxing by the pool – isn’t that what holidays are all about? Turning off all modes of communication (no blackberry – eek) and escaping into a book (Jill Mansell) while getting tanned? (I actually took a print out copy of my blog with me so I could go back to the beginning and read that too – how sad am I?!)

May be someone should tell my cousin about relaxing? I’m gonna nickname her “put put” because she just can’t stay put! What she lacks in height (she’s barely 5 foot) she certainly makes up for in volume!! She has an enormous personality and did not sit down for a minute through out the holiday! I barely saw her for the first few days as she went around the hotel talking to everyone! God help you if she had gone to get you a drink because it would take her at least an hour to return – and they say I talk a lot! She was hilarious, she went off to the market with the kids for the day while I chilled and sunbathed and within a few minutes of returning had made friends with the people on the sun loungers next to me?  (I’d gone off to get a drink) She was like "they’re really nice aren’t they?" I was like "no idea they didn’t say a word to me in the 6 hours I sunbathed next to them?!" Lol!

She was insane she got on so well with the hotel staff that when we missed the afternoon cakes (served between 4pm and 5pm daily) because we’d been on a day trip, she casually mentioned it to one of the staff and the next minute they presented her with a big plate with cake slices and biscuits??? I was like WTF??? She also requested a dessert she had really liked a few days ago and they added it to the menu for the following night? I swear she also got extra towels in her room!! I was dumbfounded! I have to say the staff couldn’t have been nicer but even that was above and beyond their duty! Lol. No wonder she wants to go back next year!

The hotel though not large put up various entertainment. Every afternoon they had Water polo where I got to watch the men in their swimming gear throw the ball around and try to score (usually missing and covering us in water)  – it was quite entertaining, also it meant taking a half hour break from all the reading and sunbathing – what a hard life eh? In the evening they also had entertainment including bingo but we always missed this as we would go out after dinner. Their “Turkish Night” was interesting, the men were quite fond of the female belly dancer though I didn’t think much of the male dancers doing a traditional Turkish dance which looked more like line dancing to me! However the group of male break dancers were bloody awesome!

They also had “Robot Man” wearing a metal outfit covered with lights which lit up in different colours, he was very popular with the kids, I watched this little girl go running up to him, then stop and hesitate and then decide she liked him so put her arms up so he could pick her up? He just kinda looked at her like seriously? I don’t think it was possible for him to pick anyone up without electrocuting them! I doubt he could bend over either but it was sooo sweet! Bless.

There was plenty to do in Turkey in the form of day trips. My cousin became good friends with the travel agent people around the corner from the hotel (no surprise there then). We did the Jeep Safari which at £15.00 (including lunch) was an absolute bargain and I’d definitely recommend it, just make sure you wear clothes you don’t mind getting filthy in! We had the “nutter” driver (why me???) he kept putting his hands up in the air to the music, I was like shouldn’t you be steering the jeep? At one point he stopped the jeep and stood on the bonnet to do a dance! Lol! I was like erm okaaaaaay??? We drove past a cemetery and he was like – yeah that’s where my last year’s customers are! We all laughed and then put on our seatbelts! Lol!.

We hired big water guns to take part in the massive water fight on our way round, I could handle the water guns, it was the bottles of water that people were chucking over you that was hard work, especially as I had my contacts in! lol!. You got resigned to the fact you were gonna get soaked and covered in mud and there was nothing you could do about it and to be honest it was a bloody good laugh! It’s the first time in ages I let loose, screaming like a school girl every time a jeep came up beside us for an ambush!

My tactic was to look away to avoid getting water in my eyes while simultaneously shooting them down with my water gun! My poor hair didn’t know what hit it, it got covered in muddy water and then windswept as we sped away from the other jeeps!  I couldn’t get a hairbrush through it and it took me 3 shampoo’s later that evening to get the dirt out! Lol). My favourite bit was near the end when my gun had run out of water and this bloke came over to our jeep with a massive bottle of water to get me with and my cousin’s youngest came to my rescue and frightened him off with her water gun! I was like “my hero” lol!

We stopped off for lunch and then went on to a beautiful beach where I went for a walk through the sea to the other end of the island (water was shallow obviously). I was absolutely gutted on the way back as apparently I missed the gorgeous “Vin Diesel” look-alike on the beach! Where was I???? Oh I chose that ten minute interval to go find the toilets! Not only was he great looking with a fabulous body but he was a professor in Abu Dhabi! DAMMIT!!!! My cousin chatted to him and got his picture! B1tch – why did no one come to find me????!

We also did a day trip on a boat where I got to sunbathe on the top deck as they took us around the island and stopped off at a beach. We met some really nice people on the boat. My cousin's oldest got her come up pence as she took photos of me having a snooze and then went to go below deck and lost her footing on the stairs and landed with a thud, thus waking me up! How inconsiderate?! Lol!. Once we knew she was alright we did laugh pretty hard at her! Hee hee. She said “damn karma does exist!!” Lol.

We met a really sweet couple who were 4 months pregnant (well she was, not him obviously) she was really funny because when we docked at the beach she decided she wanted to jump into the sea from the ramp but hesitated and asked me if I thought it would be safe to do so in her condition or whether it may harm the baby? I was thinking well not as much as the 20 fags you just smoked in the last 3 hours love! Unbelievable! Apart from the smoking they were a lovely couple and I even had to tell them how refreshing it was to meet a couple who seemed so happy together? Believe me we saw many not so happy couples on holiday! Lol He was really sweet and said she was like his best friend! Aaaaaaaaaw. That’s what I want. Big sigh!

We did try to get some exercise in while away, for 3 whole days I put on me shorts and went for a half hour run (my cousin joined me for the first day but as I nearly killed her – her face was puce by the time we returned, she declined to come with me again! Lol!) I would follow up the run with some combat moves in my room (I felt sorry for the people in the rooms below mine while I practised my flying kicks!!) They must have wondered what the hell was going on! 

I then promptly hurt my leg so quit the exercise malarkey and booked in for a full body massage instead, I asked for a male masseur and filled out the form to say I wanted a “hard” massage! Lol! (A sports one in other words!) I don’t know why I do it, there’s nothing like someone punching you in the legs several times and stretching you until you think you may snap! There were points where I was trying really hard to breathe through the pain! Ouch the second half was much more relaxing and it made my leg better though so the pain was worth it!

We replaced the running with an evening walk. One night we left the children behind and as my cousin had booked in for a “Horse Safari” for the next day, she decided she should buy some food for the horse, we ended up at a market stall selling fruit & veg where nobody spoke any English, so she picks up 2 carrots and tries to explain to the men its for horse riding???? She’s doing this impression of being on a horse and jigging backwards and forwards doing a giddy up impression??? I was pissing myself laughing and had to walk away because all I could think was they probably think she’s talking about shagging and using the carrots as an aid???? Thank god horses don’t eat cucumber! (as far as I know!).

We ended up outside the “herbalist” shop called Ali Baba, the shop owner was quite friendly and invited us in for some herbal tea! Now I’ve tried Apple Tea last year in Turkey during my Turkish bath session where I got to relax and sip tea while awaiting my massage. So I really wanted to buy some.

He gave us both an appetiser in the form of a small bit of crystal which was lemon and lime to melt on your tongue before trying the tea.  He then poured the 4 or 5 different types of tea powder into these small glasses (that he claimed were indestructible – he even dropped a few empty ones to prove a point) and we got to have a taster session. Apparently each type of tea has different benefits, the Apple tea is supposedly to cure headaches and was my favourite and the Kiwi tea is for detoxing which was also quite nice.

So I bought both, I also bought a few souvenirs.  So we’re sitting there while my cousin is negotiating on price and I came across really light headed? I was like I think we need to get back now? Thankfully the hotel was only a short five minute walk away. We got to the reception and bumped into some people we knew including her children and my cousin took out the “indestructible glasses” that she had bought and went “look at this” as she dropped one to the floor……………………………and it smashed everywhere! OMG I could not stop laughing, her kids and the other guests were looking at her bewildered like she’d lost her mind???! (I was the only one who knew that the glass wasn’t supposed to break!). It transpires the glass is indestructible on laminate flooring but not marble! Lol! (Don’t worry she got another one after she’d given the man a piece of her mind the next day!)

Now I don’t know what that man gave me but all I know was that the light headedness lasted quite a while, at one point I was leaning against a pillar in the reception area and could feel myself sliding down it! I ended up having an early night because I was worried I might be sick (I wasn’t). I’ve been super drunk before but this is a feeling I’ve never experienced. My cousin said she was mega hyper but to be honest she's so mad any way how would you tell??! Lol!

I very much doubt that the Apple tea was the cause but on reflection I assume the appetiser thing was a bad idea?. Especially as when I had tried to interrogate him about it (because he was adding it to the tea but not selling it with the tea?) he kept avoiding the question and making out he didn’t understand what I was asking and after a couple of attempts I gave up. Thank god he didn’t sell it to me! I can just picture the scene at airport security – anything to declare madam? Erm what have I got? Carrots in my hand luggage now???!

We avoided that shop for the rest of the holiday! It could have been worse my friend was telling me about the time she went to Turkey with her single friend – They were both in their late 40’s and she said they met a friendly chap outside a shop who took a liking to her friend and asked her out on a date (he was in his 20’s). She was quite flattered so agreed to a date only to find out he was a male prostitute that wanted her to book an expensive hotel and pay him for sex! Lol. She was like I might not have had it for a while but I’m bloody well not paying for it! Lol! Then again she was also the same person that had a massage after the Turkish bath naked because she thought that was normal! PMSL!

One of the travel reps did ask me out on a date or rather asked my cousin to ask me out on a date (he was from Essex so I’m sure it was all above board!). However if you don’t even have the balls to ask me to my face what is the point? Besides I didn’t want to waste a day of my holiday on a date and it’s not like it was every gonna go anywhere! I didn’t want to waste precious sunbathing time!

Anyway as the holiday was drawing to a close it was starting to get very hot in Marmaris, well into the 40’s so I decided I’d had enough of sunbathing and fancied a really long shower and some rest in my room, so mid afternoon that’s what I did. My air conditioning was making a right racket but as I’d already jumped in to the shower I couldn’t be bothered to come out to turn it off. What I didn’t realise was that there was a fault with the air conditioning unit in my room which was causing a power cut in all the other rooms on my floor? Lol!

I finished drying my hair after the shower and experienced a power cut, the air conditioning, telly and lights all went out and then flickered back on, at the same time there was a hammering on my door, it was hotel security asking me to turn the air conditioning off so they could fix it! (They’d been knocking on everyones door to try to find the culprit! It was me! Hee hee)

How embarrassing!. If that wasn’t bad enough other people on my floor were standing outside of their rooms because they thought the noise was an alarm to evacuate the building?  Not only had I not paid any attention to the noise from my room but I also managed to miss the mild earthquake that took place while I was in the shower? It rated at 4.7 whatever that means and apparently our whole hotel shook including the windows and beds etc??? Everyone was like “how did you not notice, the floor moved????” I haven’t the foggiest! (Must have been a damn good shower!)

So all in all I had a good holiday, I got a super tan, we got to explore the resort a bit with the jeep safari, and Ali Baba certainly took me on a magic carpet ride! I’m gutted I missed the Vin Diesel look alike and no idea how I missed the earthquake but that’s life I suppose.

I’m just glad we got back in one piece and I got to spend some quality time with members of my family I rarely get to see.  I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my cousin for letting me gate crash her holiday! So I’m back and refreshed and ready for anything! Lets get back to the dating shall we??!

Thanks for reading! J xx