Breaking News - Go Ahead Biscuit addict is nearly hit by bus in final wave of clumsiness but heroically saved by a tall, athletic, dark hair, blue eyed stranger in a fireman’s outfit – I Wish!! Welcome to NoshWorld!

It has been a very busy start to the year and I’m trying to be super organised both at home and a work, with this and sooo much else on my mind I’ve been a complete klutz! Actually I’ve always been a bit clumsy, ask any man who’s dared to date me, from kicking/punching them in the head while changing positions (I’ve done this to more than one man), to spilling massage oil all over the walls of my bedroom (and having to stop to clean it up and thus killing the mood! lol) to recently head butting one mid shag! It was too funny – well for me anyway, I’m just glad he didn’t get a nosebleed because apparently he’s prone to them, especially if someone smacks him in the mouth!!. I hasten to add it was an accident and I don’t hate men - honest! Hee hee.

The last fortnight has proven that I shouldn’t really be let out alone and it’s probably a good idea that I am single. Not only did I manage to get a ring stuck on my finger in DP’s (and have to ask for assistance to get it off!). I followed this up a couple of days later by walking smack bang into a glass window in Argos! I’m not kidding – full blast straight into the glass. Was sooo embarrassing, at first I was a bit confused and disorientated like what is this and why aren’t I outside? Then I was like damn, how could I miss the door???! Lol. I didn’t dare turn around to see who saw me, not being funny but it’s a small shop and I’m sure they all saw me or at least heard me!! There’s some footage I do not want to see on you tube! So here’s another new years resolution to add to the list – slow down a bit to avoid further calamities - oh and get my eyes tested!. .

During the week I was pleased to see that the “Bed Man” is back! He’s a man who sells beds in the Market – Am I the only one who finds this strange?  I’m pretty sure he owns a bed store and this is just his way of drumming up more business? Well let’s just say I’m hoping this is the case and he’s not just some weirdo who enjoys watching people lie on beds?  Is it wrong that I’m sooo tempted to bounce about on the beds when he’s not looking?? 

My addiction to Go Ahead biscuits took on a whole new meaning too as discovering they were on offer at half price sent me on a buying frenzy! I managed to buy 6 months supply from multiple outlets in one evening (that’s 65 packets in case you were wondering). Luckily I didn’t bump into any fit men as it wouldn’t be the best first impression!

It has been a while since I’ve bought anything in bulk. Why is it the moment you do this you get all morbid? When I got home all I could think about was what happens if I get knocked down by a bus tomorrow? What will people think? Will I be known as the strange Go Ahead Biscuit addict??? My family would have to come clear out the house – now they wouldn’t be surprised by the biscuits or some of the outfits but there are a few things I’d prefer them not to see! Must make a pact with my bestie – to remove incriminating evidence should the inevitable happen!

What else have I learnt this week? I’ve learned not to pay any attention to delivery times, when the take out people say 45 minutes (and they are always late) the one time you think you have 45 minutes is the one time the bastards will be 20 minutes early and catch you misbehaving! It was ok I wasn’t the one who had to go answer the door with a hard on! Lol!.

In the same respect when British Gas says they will be with you between 8am and 1pm this basically means any time day or night or may be not even that day??? They eventually sent out a different engineer at 2pm because the first one decided not to show up.  This taught me another lesson – when an engineer comes to service the warm heating unit, he will need to come upstairs to check the vents in the bedrooms?

Therefore leaving my washed clothes drying on display including my knickers and random sex toys on the floor is probably not the best idea – ultra embarrassing!  I moved the clothes but didn’t dare touch the toy in case it brought his attention to it?? Jesus!

I remember the last time I had an engineer out to service the system and I’d forgotten that I’d left a 6 foot inflatable penis in the lounge! (Obviously in the days that I was an Ann Summers party organiser!) His name was Bob (the penis not the engineer) and he blended in well! I ended up giving the guy my business card to pass on to his wife in case she fancied a party!  I loved Bob he was awesome, I used to drive around with him strapped in the front seat of my car on my way to the parties (not sure this was entirely legal) It was great publicity and he was a big hit with the ladies (and small children who thought he was a big sausage! – I know, I know- that’s wrong on sooo many levels).

My Saturday job brought new challenges (I’m a viewing assistant for a leading estate agents) I couldn’t get into a block of flats because the security code wouldn’t work and my fingers were turning blue trying to make it work, the customers just stood there looking at me like well do something? What do you want me to do smash the bloody door down??? (Before you ask I did try buzzing the other flats, not one would answer!) I eventually gave up and told them I’m sorry but we would have to reschedule. They were not best pleased!

Then I managed to get stuck in the next house, I had shut the door behind me and couldn’t get it open much to the amusement of the person I was showing around. I did get slightly panicked when I realised this was a one bedroom house and this was the only exit out. I ended up having to climb out of the downstairs bay window which to my relief had windows large enough to jump from. So out I went in my short skirt and heels flashing my knickers to all and sundry – such a classy bird! I’ll remember to never shut that door again! So all in all I’ve had better days!

Moving swiftly on to dating news, I ended up cancelling both my dates on the weekend, the one on Sunday I cancelled because even though he sounded like a nice bloke I realised that the distance was going to become a problem. He lived in Portsmouth which is like a 2 hour drive away. It wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t have a Saturday job as I could go down on a Friday and come back on a Sunday. Unfortunately I do work Saturdays and after a whole day driving around, the last thing I’d want to do is drive 2 hours to be with my man. Also as he was self employed he worked really hard too and I’ve been there, done that and could really do with a bloke who has a bit more time on his hands (and regular hours). He was really sweet and understanding about it.

The other bloke annoyed me because he decided to go out and get drunk the night before our date and not return my call to confirm details and then had the nerve to ask me to come to his for a first date because he was hung over? I don’t think so mate, bearing in mind I’d had a pig of a day, the last thing I wanted to do was then get on a train to London and try to find his house. Also as I pointed out to him there was no way I was meeting someone for a first date at their house?! Like hello???.

I think you should start how you intend to go on and with this in mind I chose to stay in, eat a curry and watch “Take me out!”

I have to admit I am a “Take me out” virgin even though it is into its second season. Did anyone watch this programme? It was hilarious! The format is 30 single women with 3 or 4 eligible bachelors who the women discount mainly based on their looks, and first impressions. It’s all about the lights, if they like him they keep their light on, if not they turn them off.

I think they get to go on holiday for a week or something? Not being cynical or anything but I’d be tempted to keep my light on for a free holiday? Who cares who you go with? Lol!

The first bloke was the most stunning man I have ever seen, tanned, fit, gorgeous eyes and a smile to die for. He was a personal trainer with a six pack. As soon as he arrived the women were swooning and every light stayed on. I laughed my head off when in the second round 90% of the lights went off because it turned out he still lived at home with his mother! Goes to prove looks aren’t everything boys!

The second bloke was quite nice too but later got cut from the show as it transpired he used to work as an escort! Too funny! Not only that but he had been in a pub brawl last year and had assaulted a woman? Not so funny.

The bit that stunned me was that when they spoke to his date, she commented that had she known he had hit a woman she would never have slept with him??? Like helloooo? What is wrong with you??? – you just met him and you shagged him already??  Its not like you got to know him first, you picked him off a TV show? The incredible bit is she was more concerned that he was violent once when drunk than the fact that he was a male escort? Hope you used protection love? Mind you she was the woman who had said she wanted a bloke who earned more than 3 times her salary – turns out he charges £50.00 and hour so she got what she asked for! Wonder if he was worth every penny????

I suppose that’s something else to take into consideration when looking for potential dates, may be a criminal background check might be a good idea??

I’ll bear that in mind, anyway with last weeks dates cancelled I’m back in the saddle already and chatting to 3 rather nice men, one who’s off on holiday for a month next week so we will have to put him on the back burner but the other two are interesting so we shall see! Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading