A Rule of 5 or 6?

So what have I learned this week? I’ve learnt making 65,000 calls to an ex in a 12 month period is officially classed as stalking – no shit? Really?  Lets put this into perspective – that’s 178 calls a day, that’s 7 calls an hour (if she’s an insomniac) or 11 calls an hour (if she sleeps for 8 hours a night). Surely after the first few thousand you would get the message? I need to google her ex to see if he was worth it, will let you know what I find!.

I then went on to read an article from a bloke about internet dating, he complained that women have too much of a checklist and can not look past it to allow themselves to meet Mr Right and be happy. Up to this point I was giving him the benefit of the doubt – ok may be he’s right.

He then went on to say that we should go on a date with every man who asks us whether we feel we will be a good match or not (really?, because by my calculations this would mean I’d be on a date from hell pretty much every night until one day I disappeared and my body is found in several pieces a month later) Like seriously are you insane????

Wait there’s more pearls of wisdom here, he went on to say we should have a minimum of 6 dates with a man before reaching a decision on whether we should see him again – so let me get this straight, I am to agree to a date with someone I don’t fancy or not sure about and then see them a further 5 times before telling them they’re not my type? Isn’t that like leading them on? Like just a tiny bit?

The only valid bit of insight he gave me was that men and women view dating in different ways. After 2 – 3 dates a women will be starting to form an idea of a relationship with her man and taking him into consideration when making plans (be them for a few months down the line – ie he can come to my mates wedding, Christmas party etc). Whereas a man will have 5 – 6 dates and class this as dipping their toes into relationship waters. (These are the men who just as you think all is going well go cold on you and start to back off –  Steve being case in point – and I really liked him too!).

With this in mind I’m thinking of recalculating the number of dates I have with any given man before becoming intimate to coincide with this? Up until recently I had a minimum 4 date rule (minimum people – not on the 4^th date I will shag you!). Ultimately the rules are negotiable and it depends entirely on how comfortable you are together, or you’ve had a few glasses of wine and he’s fit and he’s there!

Ps- if a man accuses you of being a sex addict its because he can’t keep up with you and this is how he justifies it to himself – so be kind. (I asked John what his purpose was in life if it wasn’t to shag me?! At which point he replied “bloody 30 year olds” Lol!)

Today I spoke to a friend who agreed to a blind date with someone she had given her number to a couple of years ago, she couldn’t remember what he looked like but after a few weeks of texting decided to meet up with him. Now something that I have learnt through personal experience is that this type of encounter will undoubtedly end in disappointment (not always as there are always exceptions to the rule) but the whole time you are communicating, be it texts, emails or phone calls you are building up a mental image of this person (even with profile pictures you won’t know what they actually look like or if there will be any attraction until you meet them). The high expectations are bound to be a disappointment. (For example I know if gym man ever asked me out on a date he could never in a million years live up to the expectations I have built up about him over the last 3 years – would I therefore turn him down? Mmmmmmmn not sure!!)

I’ve just finished reading “Belle De Jours guide to men”. She has a rule of 3 – within 3 contacts (email/text/call) you need to secure the date or move on. (The internet dating scene never sleeps). I think this is a bit harsh and actually 3 emails isn’t going to be enough for me to establish whether you’re likely to be a serial killer or not. I think may be 5 or 6 contacts?

It is advisable that one of these is on the telephone as you can learn more about a person with ten minutes on a phone call then several weeks of ping pong emails. The exception being men who aren’t comfortable talking on the phone. Incidently I’ve dated all of these, the ones who hate phone calls (and you can hear the edginess in their voice because they want to put the phone down as quickly as possible – no they weren’t married), and the ones who hate texting  (too fumbly for my fingers!). None of this however stopped me from having a relationship with them. So 5 or 6 seems to be the running theme here.

Also I’ve changed my attitude towards dating in the last couple of weeks, I’m being more assertive, if you want to date me (and I believe I’m worth a date) you’re going to have to make an effort. To any man who thinks for one minute a women should have to travel for an hour and a half or two hours to meet up for a first date is delusional. Not gonna happen, I don’t care if you’re Brad Pitt, you meet me half way or not at all. (That’s 2 men I’ve discounted over the last month).

So I’m still single but pretty sure I’m better off, if they’re that selfish now its unlikely to improve with time! Back to the drawing board! Will keep you updated as always!

Thanks for reading J xx

7 men, 2 Dates, 1 near Date, suspected food poisoning & a gum infection - August 2011

Has been a busy online dating few weeks!

I got asked out by a bloke from Essex who was a civil engineer, had a kid, did a lot of karate and wrote poems? Was a bit skinny for my liking and the poem thing sounded a bit poncy, he lived too far away and with having his daughter over every other wknd I decided he wasn’t worth the effort  So Mr Kung Fu was eliminated before a first date.

Step in number 2 – David – 37, 6ft, hazel eyes, publicity officer, rented in London and had family in Brighton. (he was the one I ranted and raved over on my FB because he was gorgeous and fit) So I met him for a date, - turned out he was fit – training for a marathon, but not as gorgeous as his pics (they were good pics). Still shaggable mind!

We met up in Brighton and after the first small glass of wine he had sufficiently bored me enough to warrant a second larger glass. Turns out good looking men rely on their looks to get laid so don’t bother to work on their personalities? Shame really.

Once the second glass had kicked in (didn’t take long I’m a cheap date) I had a bit more fun and found it quite entertaining to ask him many random questions to get a better sense of who he was which he seemed to thrive on – I was less bored though rather drunk!!.

Obviously long term this wouldn’t work, I can’t get drunk just to spend time with a bloke. After all the time I’ve spent trying to find the right man I’m pretty sure becoming an alcoholic is not the answer!

I ignored all the alarm bells – ie a 37 year old man who’s longest relationship to date has been a year long?  He also seems to go on a lot of dates but didn’t like anyone? (Don’t even go there!) I did agree to a second date on the assumption that may be he was nervous and would be less boring next time?  However he text me a few days before to say he had met someone else and wanted to see where that went (he met her before me apparently). I wished him luck (though really I was wishing HER luck! lol)

Step in number 3 – Mark 32 year old (pretty good on paper) - worked in IT security , lived in Kent, had his own house as well as a buy to let property, a few cars including a Range Rover. Took 6 months off last year to explore the world and is now working for a bank. So we arranged to meet for a date. He was lost so was late to the pub, I’m sitting in the beer garden with a drink, a  book and mobile handy. You know when someone walks in and you see them pick up their phone to dial and you pray your phone isn’t going to be the one to ring? Yeah that’s exactly how it was! Lol!

However it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t look like his pics, totally not my type, don’t think he got my sense of humour either. He thought it weird that I had a name for my car and referred to "it"  as a "he"  or that I  called myself mummy? He said it would be like him calling his cat Daddy? I was like no the cat wouldn’t be daddy it would be like you calling yourself daddy to the cat? He was like – isn’t that wrong? I was like “well it depends what you’re doing to the cat at the time? PSML! (I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself and I refrained from using the word pussy!). He just looked at me and I was like sorry you walked straight into that one! Lol!

Yeah so like I said not my type, he did ask me for a second date but I politely declined by text and told him we had no chemistry. Next!

In the meantime after just recovering from suspected food poisoning, I get knocked down with toothache so another week of looking for Mr Right was put on hold while I ate only on the left hand side of my mouth and tried not to let the anti biotics space me out too much.

Once better I took a few days off work, off the antibiotics and got myself back on the horse for lots and lots of flirting! There was Alan from Fareham (Portsmouth) I thought he was from Farnham (near Guildford) Slight geographical misjudgement on my part! (Was only one letter out though a good few miles!) Lol!  He was a chef and worked in a pub but seemed to be out drinking a lot and wasn’t too keen on coming all the way to Crawley for a date, I decided there was really no point in pursuing this as the distance was going to be a problem and he was a bit stroppy by text when he’d had a drink? He was also going to go back to studying soon and seemed a bit of a drifter (for a better word) not what I need right now, I need someone who knows what they are doing and where they are going.

There was Pete from London was a builder/decorator who seemed normal enough, funny, up for a laugh and sweet. After a marathon texting session turns out he hadn’t been “well” recently. I didn’t really delve into it too much but turns out he had an ex who had taken his 3 kids away from him in 2002 and he hadn’t seen them since and I’m working on the assumption the “not well” bit was probably some form of depression?. (I do pick em). Not heard from him for a week, may be he’s a bit down? Who knows?, who needs it?

Then there’s football/sports crazy Chris who is also a builder, lives in Bognor, not sure he’s interested, he does text but not as much as the others and I’m not sure I’m going to like coming second to the sport all the time?

Lastly there was Nick from Crawley 36, 6ft 2, Athletic, worked for the drug and alcohol team? Seemed normal enough by email though a little guarded. He agreed to a date last Sunday at the Shipley (one of my fav pubs) but decided to stand me up!

Never in the history of time has a man stood me up, lucky for me it was at a place 5 minutes from my house so I hadn’t wasted much petrol, but there was no text, no call, no apology, no “I’ve changed my mind” nothing, a total blank. He is still alive and breathing because he has been online since.

I ended up going to the movies and dinner with my mate instead so I didn’t waste the effort I had made to dress up but it was still a bit disappointing.

Was a week of mixed emotions as far as my ex's were concerned. I found out my ex Ben who I dated last year (ended in May) got married to the women he met after me - he was lovely and a great catch but we just didn't have enough in common and it would never have worked - so why did it knock me sideways when I found out?. I caught up with my other ex Nate (the psychologist) who I haven't heard from since January - turns out he is off to teach English in Korea for a year or so, possibly moving onto Thailand etc so could potentially be gone for a couple of years (there goes my guaranteed NYE shag!). I also found out my recent  ex John is back on the dating site looking for his next conquest (so much for wanting his independence and to concentrate on his career!). They all seem to be moving on whereas I'm still here!


Needless to say I am tiring  of the whole "online" dating malarky but we are at the beginning of another month, autumn is upon us so I will move on to see what is out there. you have to stay positive, its all a numbers game, sooner or later your number has to come up! Wish me luck, thanks for reading :) xx

Childhood Memories - (09/08/11)

It’s been a couple of weeks since the last blog, and I’ve spent a lot of time with my friend who is visiting from the States.

It has been educational, not just from the American vocabulary that is spilt in with the British, her kids running around in my yard (garden) playing and eating candy (sweets). She uses the word garbage instead of rubbish and fall instead of autumn. To learning asian phrases that I didn’t know existed such as fobs? (It’s not my fault, I’ve been out of the loop for a while!)

Over the weeks her British accent has fought against the American and she’s kinda “Crawley” again! Lol!

Being one of my closest childhood friends, and growing up in pretty much the same street she knows things about me nobody else does or ever will! She witnessed my childhood, she saw what my life was like, I don’t ever have to explain this to her and that is a remarkable bond.

I have fond memories of playing “hit the kerb” in Jordans Cres at a time when there weren’t so many cars on the road or parked along the street and when children could play in the road outside their house and still be safe. The joys of hitting maximum points by throwing the ball backwards, smacking the kerb, spinning around and catching the ball was better then a slam dunk in basketball and I was damn good at it!!

The not so fond memories of playing cricket in my cousin's driveway and catching a wasp instead of the ball – god the tears that followed! Strange how some things just stick in your mind (trauma obviously being one of them).

“Spot” the damn dog that would periodically escape from its back garden and chase us screaming down the street nipping at our heels, (apart from my cousin who for some unknown reason he didn’t chase?, may be its because she didn’t run!) My short lived joy of out smarting him by running into a neighbour’s back garden and jumping into a gap between the garage and the wall where Spot couldn’t reach me only to realise I was then trapped until he gave up and went after someone else!

Then we were all separated as I was packed off  to a different secondary school from all my friends by my sister who was attempting to get me away from what she classed as a “bad” crowd (the Asians! Lol) unaware that the only “bad” person in my life was her. I moved in different circles, I made new friends, I studied hard and I did well. May be my sister was right in sending me to the “better” school even if it was for the wrong reasons.

We all reunited at college and I met several others! People who to this day are very dear to me. It was still her who was with me on the day I got hit and knocked unconscious by a white van just weeks before my 18th birthday. She was the one who ran for help – I still have no recollection past stepping out in front of the van and being on the floor and hearing someone telling me not to move!!

She was there through some of my college years – the ones where we bunked off and went to Chessingtons or gate crashed parties at Universities we didn’t attend and the day time clubbing at nightclub’s that held special events for asian people playing the best in RnB, Hip hop and bhangra music! Hammersmith Palais ruled! (Wasn’t that where I met that really hot Sikh bloke who to this day has to be the best snog I ever had?! Sorry I’m digressing a bit!).

Anyway then she shamelessly married an American and emigrated to the US nearly 14 years ago. Not before introducing us to the wonderful world of strippers who stripped (shock horror) all the way at her hen do! Funniest thing ever! They also included a future X Factor contestant who shall remain anonymous but yes mate we saw your penis years ago! I still have a picture of it somewhere! Lol!

Over time she has settled into married life, had 2 beautiful children and built a life abroad. She’s only ever in the UK every 2 to 3 years and we all make an effort to see her as much as possible in the few weeks she is here. Even though I feel much closer to her through the mighty powers of Facebook, I know I’m going to get very emotional when she leaves tomorrow as she takes a part of my past with her.

I have to say I have had a real laugh while she’s been here, she’s the catalyst that brings the rest of us together who through normal day stresses of life are too busy to meet up.. I’ve laughed myself to tears on more than one occasion partly due to cousin who despite the hardships she’s endured is still the funniest and most entertaining person I know. Love you bird (no I’m not drunk!).

So I’d like to dedicate this blog to my childhood and the people who enriched it (you know who you are), you will always be a part of my history and hopefully a part of a long and happy future.

I look forward to all the adventures that lie ahead – I promise to make an effort to meet the right man (I can only but try!) and if I don’t get married first we are soooo doing Vegas for my 40th – best start saving up ladies!

Love to you all. Thank you for reading.

My experience with the medium & the perils of internet dating (26/07/11)

Ok so this is the third consecutive month I’ve being single, and don’t get me wrong I’ve thoroughly enjoyed a fair bit of it – once the initial crying at the unfairness of it all and the lack of respect shown from the ex had subsided and I realised I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I would, I settled into the joy of not having to look like a goddess every time he came round (especially as I didn’t see him all the time the pressure to look good was intense) The constant waxing, immacing, shaving and hair washing, colouring and straightening was quite a strain especially mixed in with the rest of my life, the gym classes and sessions, the 2 jobs, not to mention my social life and housework, it’s a miracle I didn’t have a nervous breakdown! (or get super thin??! I should be so lucky!)

It was therefore a blessed relief for a few weeks while my attitude shifted, I went on holiday, I sunbathed, I didn’t care what I ate, I drank wine a fair bit and I re-evaluated my life. I decided I needed a better balance, to slow down a bit and enjoy my time more rather than run around like a headless chicken from pillar to post. Me & Lisa had devised an action plan fuelled by copious glasses of wine no doubt (isn’t that how all good decisions are made?)

We’ve supported each other over the last few weeks to try to make sure we carry out some of what we wanted to do. So far so good.(She’s doing brilliantly and I’m very proud of her)

Me? Well I went to see a medium last week, I was very sceptical about the whole thing and I didn’t make it easy for her, I didn’t walk in and declare I’m single and I need a man, help me sort my life out!

However she pretty much had me sussed from the moment she saw me, she was quite insightful of my character, said I was a strong person, intelligent (hee hee) hard working (obviously). Being a medium she said she could communicate with people who had passed, as most of my family are on the other side she had my attention, I have to give her, her dues,  she did tell me some things about my parents and my family she could not have possibly known.

She said I was obviously “fussy” when it came to men, at which point I laughed (because you all tell me that!), she said my mum had advised her of this but had said it was ok, it was good to be fussy, at which point I laughed so hard I cried! So from now on every time any of my friends or family state I’m too fussy, my standard response will be “well my mum said it was ok” You can’t argue with that!

She asked if I had time in my life for a man, at which point I told her she’d hit the nail on the head but that I did try really hard to fit them in.

She said there were men already in my life who want to be with me but I have a guard around me and am not interested in them. This is ok because she said the right man is still out there and isn’t somebody I’ve met already so this won’t be an issue. Neither will the lack of time I have available for him as he will be very understanding. She was adamant that I would know when I meet him and we would just click and everything will just fall into place (if only). So I’m now just going to relax and see what happens!...............................................

..................Well if I was a normal person that’s what I would do, not me though eh? Like I said its been three months I’m bored out of my face and soon to become a born again virgin (its not funny!). The rabbit is good but I miss cuddles!

So I went back on the site – for those of you who have never tried internet dating let me fill you in on a few facts, there’s usually a lot of men on these sites, in particular as I am using a free site there is 50 times as many people on here than other regular sites.

This means there’s 50 times as many wierdos, men who are secretly married or in a long term relationships, men who aren’t looking for “anything serious or commitment of any kind”. There are the one’s who describe themselves as “average” build, seriously have you looked in the mirror recently? Since when was “average” borderline obese? (There is an option for that, it’s called “a few extra (hundred) pounds” or if you really are a big boy (easy tiger) then there’s the “big build” option – I suggest you USE IT).

There’s the ones who’s photos were blatantly taken several years ago before the pot belly and receding hairline took hold, I assume they are aware that you may notice this if you ever end up on a date?? Eeek.

For the “occasional” smokers – I’d just like to point out this category should really be for the social smoker – you know the one who likes to light up when he’s down the pub with the lads having a few beers, watching some footie and fancies a fag,  If you have to sneak out every half hour to an hour for a smoke in the garden (and you know who you are) then I hate to break this to you but you’re a smoker. Simples.

Then there are the ones who just want a text buddy (I had one who sent me over 200 texts in a weekend, shame we never got to actually meet – may be he had an annoying voice? – his photo was fit!), or an email buddy (The one who I never got to meet because he smashed his Mercedes, his mobile and his leg in an accident on the weekend before our date and ended up on crutches, (I thought that was rather extreme measures to take to get out of a date personally – he could have just said he wasn’t interested!).

Then there’s the men who want to say hi just to see if they can get your attention, you say hi back and they disappear off the face of the earth (probably married). Did they misinterpret me? Did they read between the lines? Did my “hi, how was your weekend?” subconsciously come across as “Hey, I’m desperate to ran down the aisle and start making babies?”

There was the man with a foot fetish who thought it appropriate to send an initial introductory email with “You look nice, I have a foot fetish, can I lick your feet and suck your toes?” So what no dinner or drinks?? I felt cheated.

The man who put on his profile that he liked cocking a lot, bless him I didn’t have the heart to email him to point out his spelling error. (Here’s hoping it was a spelling error).

I’ve also met a few people who have been very judgemental about the town I live in, which surprised me as surely that’s just geography? Its not where I live but who I am that should be important? After all money can’t buy class, that’s just something within you, you either have it or you don’t. I would like to believe I have it!

So not surprisingly I’m still looking! On a positive note the last 4 men I’ve dated over the last 2 years have all been from a dating site.  All very different characters all very interesting and all from out of town so the possibility of meeting them randomly while out would never have occurred. I’ve had some truly funny experiences along the way too and I’ve learnt a lot about myself too.

Even though the relationships didn’t work out (obviously as I am still single) I did have a lot of laughs and I wouldn’t change a thing or discourage any one from trying,  as the old cliché goes its better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all.

On that note I will bid you farewell while I scour the internet for the next one – he is out there somewhere!

Thanks for reading

All about me!

All about me!

Hey, thought as I dedicated the last blog to Dave, I’d best do one about me!

So much has happened over the last few weeks I don’t know where to start.!

After the whole KFC thing I learnt that you can be judgemental sometimes and be spot on! Case in point was the big 4x4 which narrowly avoided blocking Herbie in at Tilgate shops (but blocked the 2 cars next to me, and it  took some manoeuvring to get round it) just because the very overweight (and I’m talking obese) man couldn’t be bothered to park and walk a few extra feet, guess where he was heading? Yep you’ve guessed it the fish n chip shop! Don’t get me started. I gave his passengers the thumbs up as I drove off!

Had a “Julie” get together at mine last weekend, bbq and all, Paula did the actual bbq as she was hungry and I was taking too long! Lol! She said the “lighter gel” for the bbq wasn’t as good as “lighter fluid” and I should buy that next time, (never had an issue with it myself), half hour later she changed her mind as  I relaxed with a drink and mid conversation saw out of the corner of my eye an almighty flame explode over the bbq narrowly missing Paula who’s leapt back (proper fast! Lol) and just avoided getting her eyebrows singed.

My first thought was thank god she’s ok, silly cow, her hubby would kill me if anything happened to her, my second thought was damn – hope the shed doesn’t go up and how quickly can I get to the fire extinguisher?.  She came back and said actually Lighter gel’s not bad after all!! Which gave me the giggles, don’t think I’ve laughed that hard since the whole “lady garden incident” . Not sure if it was relief or hysteria!  You’ll be pleased to know the rest of the evening went off without incident though we did misbehave a little bit with Dave. (the blow up doll - we have pics to prove it).

Man update – Got Andy's attention, chatted & flirted a bit on fb, lost Andy's attention but as he’s emigrating at the end of August, not sure it’s worth getting involved. I still want to ask him out for a drink though! I always want what I can’t have!

I also agreed to a date with some random man I met on line last year – plays a lot of tennis, has his own place etc etc, had forgotten what he looked like, agreed to meet him next Tues, (was being spontaneous) Then he sent me a you tube clip of himself - I can’t do it, I can’t, I can’t! Still need to go back to him to let him know some things come up! I know it’s terrible, I don’t know how I get myself into these situations.

And then there’s John, oh yes you heard me right, remember him? the man who dumped me after 5 months by EMAIL after being particularly nasty in a previous email accusing me of being clingy because I asked him to call me more than once a week when he’s away travelling.

Has the nerve to ask me how I am, whether I’ve met anyone and that he misses me???? Really??? You sure? What happened? Did my replacement get “too clingy??!” Not being funny but you could tell by her comments on fb that she was a complete psycho and I’m really glad he dated her after me because she would have made me look like a saint!! (I’m not by the way).

He still didn’t admit dating her but didn’t deny it either so that’s the best I’m going to get. I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t interested. I even told him I was sorry things didn’t work out with her and I hope he finds the right person soon – what this  meant was – you lying cheating SOB I hope you spend the rest of your life miserable and alone because it’s what you deserve! Lol!

Anyhow I’m considering going speed dating next week so who knows what’s around the corner, hopefully bigger (clears throat) and better things! Will keep you updated!

Love to you all J xx

Spontaneous enough to take a blow up doll to a Big Brother audition? Why not?

All about Dave

My Week with Dave – turning into a month (the blow up doll – follow him on his facebook page – “follow Dave”)

Spontaneous enough to take a blow up doll to a Big Brother audition?  Why not?

In his defence “follow Dave” probably had more intellect than 80% of the people auditioning that day! So off to Arsenal Emirate stadium we went – slight detour to the wrong Arsenal (Thanks Google you are no longer my friend!).

Despite slight technical difficulties inflating Dave (hadn’t used the pump for a while and had the wrong hole – don’t ask) Dave was eventually fully inflated to the delight of onlookers. So in went Lisa & Dave for their debut.

I sat outside people watching, there was a diverse mixture of cultures, backgrounds and fashion sense! I’m assuming huge platform shoes (from the baby spice fame) are coming back in?

20 minutes later I decided to follow suit and go audition as the alternative was to sit outside and it was getting cold!

We auditioned in a group of 8 or 9 if you include Dave. I spent an hour discussing whether I would get my boobs out for money (I said no and I was in the minority). One of the 20 years olds (the one who wouldn’t shut up) said I obviously had issues with my boobs, I thought that was rich coming from a 20 yr old who’d had a boob job??? Her claim to fame was that she had shagged a footballer (who will remain anonymous) Not being funny but is there anyone this man hasn’t shagged?? Lol! She made it through to the next round. We went on to discuss whether we would have sex with a complete stranger for money, I confused the interviewer as I had no objection to this, as I explained I liked sex and it was only going to involve one other person whereas getting my boobs out for everyone did nothing for me and was available to a wider audience!

So anyway after an hour of my life which I’m never getting back we were advised we were unsuccessful in our quest to get into the BB house and ultimately win the £500k! in other words we hadn’t made it to the next round, huge sigh of relief from me, I could hardly handle an hour with these people, 8 -12 weeks and I would have ended up in prison for murder! Then again I could have written a book about my experiences? Hee hee!

So we left the audition Dave slightly deflated, Lisa pleased she had tried, and me glad to be heading back to normality and a nice glass of wine!

Next began the training for the race for life, I had a really fun night getting ready with Dave,  I manipulated him in different positions, doing press ups, watching telly, getting ready for bed, misbehaving and finally all dressed for the race for life with his shorts, t shirt, trainers and mp3 player. (I would like to point out that no blow up dolls were harmed during this process)

On the day it rained, and rained and rained, it was going to be a challenge this year – wish I’d done some training!  Wasn’t sure if I should just put on some wellies and walk it or brave it and run. Didn’t fancy drowning.

Unfortunately for Dave an hour before the big race he got a bit over excited – or I used the pump too hard – and a decision was made that he should you remain at home and await my return, it was a family event with small children (and he was VERY excited - if you get my drift – 7 inches you know!).

I won’t lie, I found the race hard this year, after 1k my lungs were  burning, 3k and I got a stitch, 4k my foot started to hurt and I wasn’t sure whether I should walk the rest of it, but I’m quite competitive and I really wanted to get round in under the half hour mark so I carried on. I did it by the skin of my teeth – 29 minutes and 52 seconds – get in! Was well chuffed.

Dave was supposed to head back that weekend but due to unforeseen circumstances is still at mine. (Think he’s having a whale of a time though, has since hosted a bbq at mine and helped with the preparations ie mowing the lawn and washing dishes, been to the pub to meet my mate for dinner – I got some looks driving home with him in the passenger seat, scared the life out of my work lot when they found him in the boot of the car waiting to surprise them and been to an Ann Summers party where he tried on some cockpit pants!

I would like to emphasize at this point that I am not having sexual relations with this doll, its just a bit of a laugh (I know many of you have your doubts! Lol) I considered lesbianism but this having sex with a doll (I’m not sure what the word is here) is a bit out there even for me!

Thanks for reading :)

Sponaneous Nosh takes on a whole new meaning in Turkey!

Hey, greetings from Turkey! (Ok may be not quite, am safely bk on UK soil)

I had a fabulous time, our hotel though 2 hours on a coach from Antalya airport was four star and well worth the effort. Here’s the next installation of the blog, I apologise for the length, please feel free to skip bits!


The Characters

I did a fair bit of people watching from the sanctuary of my sun lounger or sitting by the sea with the waves washing over my legs and my body.

There was the European “fuller figured” lady in her late 40’s perhaps early 50’s who
was up for the boogie bus into town to the club in Alanya even though it didn’t get back until 4am! She would still manage to be at breakfast by 9am – was a true legend! Hope I have that much energy when I’m her age, actually wish I had that much energy now!

I watched a man help his wife put her false teeth back in whilst waist high in the sea, I can only assume the force of the waves which were totally unpredictable and ferocious (but awesome) caused them to come loose! Eeeeeeeeeeew

The man who heroically jumped in to the swimming pool fully dressed to save a young child who thought he was going to drown. Bet his trainers stank for the rest of his holiday!

The rowdy and obnoxious “Essex lot” – 3 couples who showed up paralytic from the plane, having left their children at home – probably all alone – someone call social services! They gave all British tourists a bad name. Think they thought they were on an 18-30 holiday not at a family resort! My favourite was the short bloke with the fat gold chain round his neck with shorts at the pool side – proper chav look! He didn’t realise that threatening the staff wasn’t going to help him get his own way. God I’d hate to be dating that! Lol!

There was the Scandinavian lady we dubbed “peroxide” because her hair had been bleached to an inch of its life. She spent her whole holiday on her lap top while are 2 small children ran around unsupervised. They had a few near accidents and were only saved by the caring nature of other tourists!

Met some totally fabulous people too! Met Paul and his wife Claire with their 2 kids who kept my mates son busy for a good few days so we could have adult time. Paul was totally nuts, dirty sense of humour and very funny. Claire had a dry sense of humour, she would take a certain amount off him before firmly putting him back in his place! Total respect for her.

Matt & Chris from Stoke were awesome. From the minute we met they knew I was blond (my gaydar soooo needs work! Lol). From the moment Matt asked me how old I was and guessed at 23 I knew we would be friends!

Matt was 19, kooky, funny and highly entertaining, Chris 23 slightly more serious, a fantastic negotiator – if you needed some one to barter for you or make a complaint, he’s your man! They were awesome and we had a lot of laughs.

We met Sherry (Copper) and Dan (Accounts person) They turned out not to be a couple as Sherry “came out” to us one evening before asking me back to her room! (I think she was joking). Dan bless him is a bit repressed by his family who are quite religious and doesn’t normally drink and had never been on holiday. He was having a whale of a time being led astray by a lesbian! (Apart from the night he drank several Vodka’s and was sick!)

After they all left and we waved them off on their transfer coaches we met 2 prison officers (lesbian couple) 26 year old worked with young offenders in the South, hard as nails, wouldn’t wanna get on the wrong side of her as she’d “knock you the F*ck out!! (She was obviously the “male” one)

The other one a 33 yr old worked in a maximum security prison up north and was fascinated by the Kray twins! She was nice and we got on well.


The Activities

I tried my hand at rifle shooting, turned out wasn’t my forte – actually I was rubbish and missed all 3 shots! Lol! The rifle was heavier than I thought, may be I’d be better with a pistol??? Mmmm who would I like to practice that on? (I’m kidding – and I won’t waste any column inches on it! Hee hee)

I was better at the volleyball and quite competitive once I got started! Bruised my wrist in a heroic attempt at hitting the volleyball back to my opponent, unfortunately managed to whack it at the wrong angle, it went flying backwards and landed at the top of a palm tree! I fell about laughing until I realised it was stuck and possibly punctured! Ooops, was glad we were flying back a couple of hours later! (It could only happen to me)

The only other injury I sustained was my foot which was quite bruised because I thought it appropriate to play tennis in flip flops! Silly cow! I avoided the banana boat and coming down the pool slide on a rubber dingy or inflatable crocodile? Didn’t fancy drowning on my first holiday in 4 years!

I did relax too – I had an entire morning of pampering Turkish style which included a sauna, steam room, Turkish bath, relaxing with apple tea (very sweet) a facial mud mask and full body massage. The Turkish bath was a bit close to the mark! You basically have a young man (Kurdish with nice arms) wearing this big glove thingy exfoliating your entire body top to toe and then washing you down with first cold then hot water before lathering you up with soap and washing it down again! I must point out the lathering with soap was not done with his hands but using this big bag thing so not as pervy as it sounds! Lol! Most action I’ve had in weeks!

The Lesbianism (Please feel free to skip this bit as it might make you uncomfortable!)

Could I be spontaneous enough to become bisexual?? After careful consideration (plenty of time spent thinking on the beach) I can probably quite safely say no!

The idea of spending your life with another woman though incredibly appealing – we can multitask and communicate a lot better then a male/female relationship and we are after all from the same planet so this helps, though we all talk a lot so would we ever sleep? Also what happens if you’re both menstrual at the same time? Interesting I would think!

I also considered the sexual side – I mean how different can it really be to be with a women instead of a man? They use toys – I like toys and how often do you realistically go down on your partner anyway? So this wouldn’t really be an issue either! (No wonder I’m single!)

However as my friend pointed out when cuddling up in bed, instead of a nice hairy chest you would get boobs – something I hadn’t considered. Not that I’m into hairy chests but I’m not into boobs either!

My poor mate was petrified I was going to come back and make an announcement and asked me to atleast wait a couple of months so she doesn’t get the blame! Lol. No worries hun, even with all their faults it’s a man I still want!

Was a thought anyway. Afterall whats the point in life if you don’t take random thoughts into consideration? Welcome to Noshworld (Its crazy but good here!)


So finally.

So in brief I relaxed loads, sunbathed all day and ate lots of cake! Spent the evenings in a group drinking wine (on tap – awesome idea) and playing cards.

So all in all I had a fabulous time. One that could not have been predicted or probably repeated as it was the specific combination of random people from all over the country ending up at the same place at the same time and having a laugh. I’m not sure who needed it more, me or my mate but I think we both came back totally refreshed and ready to take on the world and start a new chapter.

Thank you for reading.