My 15 minutes of fame Versus 30 minutes with Scott Maslen?

My birthday week is upon us (and in NoshWorld that’s a pretty big deal!) so I thought I’d better get you updated before it starts to get crazy.

So what have I learnt this week? I’ve learned that I am useless in front of a camera but enjoy being in the company of a celebrity!!

A dating site contacted me a couple of weeks ago advising me that a TV crew were in the process of making a documentary about relationships and gave me contact details asking if I wanted to contribute?

Now I’ve tried many different things this year stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to expand on my life experiences. These included taking up body combat classes (just done my 77^th class tonight – totally addictive), assisting in school talks (sitting in front of an assembly of children trying to act like a grown up!), going on a last minute holiday (less than 7 days notice – no time to diet or shop!), helping a friend with his book signings (dressed in a prisoner outfit and handing out flyers – don’t ask), attending a BB audition with a blow up man (he was very deflated he didn’t make it into the BB house!) and lastly starting this blog. All of which I have really enjoyed so I thought what’s the worst that can happen? Who’d have thought I wouldn’t be any good on TV? Most people thought I’d be brilliant! I love to talk!

So I fired off an email with an extract of the blog and was surprised to get a phone call the following day from one of the assistants. She asked some questions about my lifestyle and background and thought my story sounded interesting and invited me to attend a filming session.

Now I have to explain, I have never been filmed before (Well not by a camera crew or for public view! Private view is a whole other story!)

I was working under the impression that I would be prepped beforehand and be filmed talking to a person, I didn’t realise that I would have to talk into the camera the whole time, I had to talk to a machine??? Which is a really weird experience especially when the questions are being asked from one direction and I have to respond in another?

I was a blithering mess, I came across totally boring, bland, insincere and blatantly single for a reason. My mind went blank and I couldn’t think of a single good thing to say about myself or describe what I’m looking for in a partner! (May be that is why I’m single, I don’t know what I’m looking for??). You can ask me now, NOW I have a million answers! Dammit!

I came away feeling really disappointed in myself, I like to give 100% to every thing I do and I felt like I didn’t do that on this occasion. I can only but pray that I get cut or I will probably come across like a complete lunatic on national TV and then no one will want to date me  - gasp!. (My only excuse is that it was bad timing, I’m only a mess for 3 days of the month and this happened to fall on one of those days! I’m sure many women will sympathise).

Even retail therapy and going to see the Christmas lights in Carnaby Street didn’t cheer me up but that’s because the theme is mistletoe this year and can not possibly compete with the snowmen theme a few years ago! (I LOVED the snowmen, they were AWESOME!). I did however have a lovely meal with my nephew and appreciated all the support (texts, calls and emails) I got from my friends who all seem to believe in me so thank you for that.

In contrast to my week, my cousin was having one of the best weeks EVER, last Monday she got to meet Peter Andre as he did a publicity thing at her shop. She managed to wrangle her way into covering the checkouts even though she is floor staff??! (She’s hilarious)

She had to work for 5 hours on the checkout just to serve him! (That’s dedication for you)  The local papers were there snapping away with their cameras. I got to see a picture one of her colleagues took and it looked like it was worth the effort! Can’t wait to see that in the papers and on Facebook!

The following day she won a local competition - the prize? To meet Scott Maslen  (Jack Branning from Eastenders).  He was to turn on the Christmas lights in the County Mall in Crawley on the Thursday!.

The prize included a private meeting in the management suite with a champagne reception and buffet. a framed photograph of you with him, and signed autograph and a goody bag!

I had three missed calls on my mobile and a rather hysterical voicemail to call her ASAP as she could take a guest. I have a confession to make, I don’t watch Eastenders (gasp) in actual fact I don’t watch any soaps and haven’t done so for years. My first instinct was to politely decline the offer so she could take someone who might appreciate it more but after I’d spoken to her and realised how contagious her excitement was I couldn’t say no! Besides once I’d googled him and seen how “hot” he was, there was no stopping me!! Lol!

I have to say I had a fabulous evening, he really is gorgeous in real life – I’d go as far as saying even better than his pictures. In all the pictures I’d seen of him he looked quite serious which is a shame because this man has the sexiest laugh EVER! I like a man who’s entire expression changes when he laughs or smiles. It is a very attractive quality.

He also had impeccable manners and was incredibly polite (more brownie points – swoon, swoon), he made time for all 9 winners (and their guests), he signed lots of autographs, he even let my cousin call her children and spoke to them on the phone - not that they heard anything he said because all you could hear was the screaming at the other end of the phone! Lol! He was like “have we finished screaming yet?” to further screams “Erm ok not quite” He’s obviously used to the attention!  

I asked him to sign my autograph to “Nosh” he was like “you know what that means where I come from don’t you?” I responded “It’s short for Noshaba but yes I do know” at which point he laughed, I was like “yeah and feel free to add your number on the back!!” (He didn’t in case you were wondering but hey you don’t ask you don’t get!) Total respect to him.

I have to admit I had had a fair bit of champagne by that point and as my cousin doesn’t drink I only felt it fair to drink her share too. I am such a cheap date, a few glasses and I was well merry. I even tried out one of the “methods to meet someone” after the celebrations. My cousin needed to pop in to Asda on the way home so I went in with her and yes people I managed to pull in a supermarket! (Shame it wasn’t Waitrose but hey what’s a girl to do? Besides the bloke was rather fit!)

I think my method was pretty good? I was wearing a short skirt, fur boots and a jumper, walking around with my blackberry in my hand wondering around the alcohol aisle buying champagne! Must try that again soon!

So last week ended on a high, and I’m hoping this week should be even better!

I have a busy week lined up There’s the speed dating tomorrow, Ed Byrne on Thursday, my Birthday Dinner on Friday with some of my closest friends - Bridget Jones style – but I’m not cooking because that really would be Bridget style – blue soup etc though if I had a man like Darcy to help me, it would be worth the effort!! Anyway I’m digressing!

Then on the weekend for the time ever in the history of time I’m not going clubbing with the girls (gasp – yeah I know doing a lot of that lately) instead I am going away for my birthday weekend to a rather posh hotel with a spa where hopefully I will get spoiled rotten (here’s hoping!).

So will have plenty to update you with next week! Thanks for reading.

Oral sex - yep there's more!

No I haven’t gone crazy and written another blog already! (Sorry it is a work in progress though) In the meantime I have posted below a couple of responses which I received as a result of my last blog on oral sex. I was surprised to see that people liked to talk about it! They’re really are no taboos in this day and age and I am chuffed to be able to post their views in a guest blog below.  I have to say I learnt a thing of two that I can’t wait to try out for myself! Lol!

Enjoy! J xx

The Male perspective

So according to this survey blokes rate BJs as the best thing - the thing they most want.  I wasn’t very surprised at this, the main reason being that I also think they are awesome!  You see sex (even with the same person) can be naff, ok, great or mind blowing, but 99% of the time a BJ is always pretty damn good.  Maybe us fellas are just easy to please in that department (unlike some women I’ve known!), maybe its the sensation, maybe its the sense of someone focusing on giving you a good time, being your "sex servant" so to speak (I don’t mean in a degrading way) - I have known women who wanted me down on them till the sun came up, so I’m pretty sure that goes both ways. On that subject girls - yes a lot of us do like to go down on you, and no you don’t smell as much as you think, and after the juices are flowing not at all. And fellas - yes you do smell, she's just polite enough not to say, so make sure you are clean and fresh, but avoid a lot of soap just prior, its not tasty stuff (apparently!).

Technique-wise, really its a personal thing, so I cant comment on what other guys want.  Personally its pretty simple: no teeth and don’t blow! its not called a BJ coz you blow!

As for the range of possibilities created by BJs, you can have them just about anywhere – I’ve had them while driving (DONT come, you WILL crash!); in a swimming pool; in many various woodlands; at workplaces; in a hot shower (I nearly fainted after that one, all the arteries in my body expanded & I sprawled on top of her - mind blowing lol!); and once when away in a B&B on my birthday I was woken in the middle of the night by soft lips down below. There is no better way to wake up!

I feel I have to point out that I’m not the kind of guy to put the footie on, grab a beer and demand a BJ while I watch it (do these guys really exist?), and through it all I have never once had to ask for a BJ, but I happen to enjoy pleasuring my woman a great deal, so it was never a one-way street.

As for shooting your load, for Pete's sake talk to her - she might not want a mouthful of your salty slime, no matter how much an honour you may feel it is for her. She might prefer you splatter over her breasts etc. I spoke to a friend that thought that a BJ HAD to end  with coming in the mouth, and as a result she hated to give  them - why? sex of all kinds is up to the people involved, there are no rules. If you dont want it say so  nicely. And if he insists, kiss him passionately afterwards and dump the lot in his mouth with a grin!  Theres other ways to put him off, like ripping your bra off and telling him how you want it all over you... err but before I get over excited and start writing a porn story Ill quit cause you girls are far more imaginative at manipulating us simple fellas than I could ever be.

I think I'll avoid agreeing to write more for Nosh's blog... this is a little to close to the bone! (ugh... pun not intended)

The female perspective..

I reckon 65-80% of women don’t actually like giving blow jobs, I can break this down into three reasons.

Firstly is “The end result” Simple really? Yes we ask the bloke to warn us before he unloads or tell us to stop before it gets that far – moving to a new position/quest etc, but most men just aren’t focussed about what we want, only release! Once you have been with the same fella for a while and he realises that unless he does what you ask, he don’t get one, then usually everything works out great.

Secondly – Fellas don’t grab the back of our heads and force your dick out the same way. You don’t have to see if your tonsils can hit your helmet or see if she can really take all of you in her mouth. We are quite capable of getting you all in there (or most of you) all by ourselves, plus we don’t want to choke!

Lastly a blowjob doesn’t have to be after a game of football or a squash match. Wash first or let us wash you and then you can get your blowjob straight after, plus you get to enjoy the running water tickling and arousing you first, not to mention the soap massage. If you haven’t been sweating all day, then you obviously don’t have to wash first, this is assuming that you had a shower/bath that morning. Personally I wouldn’t let someone down on me unless I was clean and I expect the same in return.

Now on to the best bits, the percentage of women who do actually love giving blowjobs don’t care where it is. I’ve done it at home, at a cinema, a train station, several car parks including a police car park! He he! On a bus, beside a lake, whilst fishing – ok enough, wherever it is let her tease you first, small kisses all around your sensitive most sensitive places. Small licks just at your helmet on the underside (I happen to know this drives you men wild!).

Then when we do take you in our mouths, we’ll start off slow and yes we love to caress you at the same time so be patient – hold on!

We can always pause for you to catch a breath, then when we’re ready and you think you can’t handle any more we’ll take you in our mouth and get you to the point where you can tell us to stop and we can always jump on board and finish off!

Giving and receiving of oral sex should be pleasurable for both of you. The more the bloke groans and enjoys it, guess what – the wetter we get. We know that we are going to get you at your biggest and hardest. Woohoo!

Okay enough from me, I’m off to get lunch, I think I fancy a hot dog! J xx

Milestone Birthdays, Shocktober Fest and the number one thing men want in bed!

What I’ve been up.

Hey so another fortnight has flown by and what an eventful period it has been. I’ve had 2 weekends with friends reaching their 40^th birthday milestones so of cause lots of partying ensued.

Last weekend we managed to empty an Italian restaurant with our raucous discussion on men, sex positions and stories about losing our virginity. As the wine flowed so did the details! I haven’t laughed so much in ages.

This weekend involved hiring a whole floor of a hotel so we could all crawl back to our rooms after all the alcohol had been consumed. There was the usual crazy dancing  including various “dance offs” and dances involving chairs (led by the birthday girl) I’m pleased to report there were no major “incidents” from “Dangerous” though we had several blue plasters handy just in case. Then again I was probably too pissed to notice if anything had gone down!

Sunday I went to Tulleys Farm for their Halloween festival – Shocktober Fest, (with a slight hangover). I was a “Fright by Night” Virgin even though Tulleys is a ten minute drive from my house. It was an amazing experience that I’d totally recommend.

We did the Haunted Hayride where we were transported around the farm in a tractor and were chased by ghouls and crazed axe murderers, the Grim Reaper scared me half to death by jumping on board and coming over to me to whisper death in my ear, I probably deafened him with my shriek!!  I jumped out of my skin a fair few times finding my way around the “Creepy Cottage” especially when people would jump out of dark corners and I hadn’t seen them coming! I screamed all the way through “The field of screams!” I’m such a cliché!

The scariest experience was their new “Hell-ements” which involved putting a hessian bag over your head to completely disorientate you and having to find your way through the maze by following the rope! You then had to negotiate the change in temperature and floor surface as you made your way through.  I got stuck about half way round as I got my handbag caught on something, totally lost the rope and was rather panicked! Luckily for me a pair of big strong arms came to my rescue, managed to untangle my bag and turn me around to face the right way to enable me to continue – my hero! Lol!

So I ended the weekend safely in my house being flung over the shoulders of a rather hot man and being dragged up the stairs and thrown on my bed! I’ll leave the rest to your imagination! If only all weekends could end like this!  Big Sigh …………….

Moving swiftly onto……………….……………………..

What I’ve learned.

So what have I learnt this week? After reading an interesting article in this month’s Glamour Magazine, I’ve learnt that the number one thing men want in bed…………………drum roll please…………………… is oral sex ie a blowjob? (No sh1t really?) Apparently it’s become the norm for men to expect it. The main reason? It transpires that men since the age of 12 have been watching porn and that’s what porn is all about!

Some girl had written in about her experience, how on a third date while making out (playground style) she was asked by her date for one, she told him she classed that as “boyfriend” privileges and as they had just started dating she wasn’t comfortable with it? That was the last time she heard from that bloke! Unbelievable! She still stands by her statement (good for her) and has gone on to meet a nice man who I assume gets all boyfriend privileges.

I once got refused sex by a bloke I was seeing because he demanded that I go down on him and I refused, (I don’t like being told what to do) had he not demanded it, I would have done it! We ended up in a battle of wits to see who would back down first, it ended with neither of us getting what we wanted! (We ran out of time!) Turned out we were both as stubborn as each other and both the same star sign – Sagittarius, remind me never to date one of them again!

Anyway so I thought I’d do some research of my own so I asked around about people’s experiences with BJ’s.  I asked about good or bad experiences and where they had performed them and their attitude towards it.

I got several responses both from my male and female friends.

I was told there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob? (from a bloke) There are fantastic and mind blowing ones but pretty much a blowjob is a blowjob and that’s always good as far as a man is concerned!

Though I was told by a friend how her boyfriend had complained about his ex instead of swallowing had spat it out all over his belly, not quite the ending he had been hoping for!

I’ve known people who point blank refuse to do it yet have no problem with anal sex? I suppose you can’t have it both ways?! Lol!

I’ve spoken to some of my married friends including one who had been married for over ten years and never done it, turns out she didn’t realise you didn’t have to swallow? (You’d think her husband would have had the brains to point that little technicality out to her???!! amazing what you learn from people). I asked another friend whether she expected her husband to perform oral sex on her if she didn’t want to do the same back. She told me yes because he did that because he liked to! I have to admit the last few men I’ve dated have been really into it (and rather good at it!) but I’d feel quite guilty if I didn’t reciprocate.

I’ve obviously lived a sheltered life as the texts/emails came in with places people have done it! People have done it in the shower, (would mess up my hair!) or while driving (please bear in mind I’m pretty sure this is illegal – I’ve considered it but not tried it) in the woods (actually I’ve done it in a park – a very long time ago!). Underwater? (sounds dangerous and I can’t swim and how exactly do you hold your breath and suck at the same time?????!!!), at the cinema (I’ve thought about it but not had the balls to try it!) Besides knowing my luck someone will arrive late and decide to come (excuse the pun) sit next to me at a crucial moment! Lol.

I have however smothered it in chocolate body paint, that’s a bit messy but rather yummy but I’m not a huge chocolate fan even though it was Cadburys and they are the best! I felt a bit sick after with chocolate overload! Squirty fresh cream has pretty much the same effect! (Though please remember if it’s straight out of the fridge this may cause a few “technical” issues! lol).

I once had a man who didn’t like having his penis touched which had me completely perplexed?? Surely the technique requires some hand movement? Otherwise it’s a bit like bobbing for apples to negotiate it into your mouth? Made me wonder if he ever masturbated? (It’s ok this is as rude as it gets!)

Some of my friends say they won’t go near a penis until they know it’s been washed! – I think that’s a given – i.e. it should be clean! Is it wrong to not want to go down on someone after they’ve been inside you? Because it’s kind of like going down on yourself? Eeeek! (God we are heading down a very slippery slope here!)

Back to my friends and their experiences, I’ve had a friend encounter what she classed as a mushroom sized penis and spent the whole time thinking she could smell mushrooms – mind over matter!

I’ve also had a friend who encountered a problem she hadn’t anticipated as the man she was dating had a bit of a beer belly, as it turned out his penis was quite small too so she kept banging her forehead on his stomach! Let that be a warning to men – if you have a small penis make sure you have a six pack because women TALK! Hee hee.

I also knew someone who had always considered herself a connoisseur when it came to BJ’s and had her confidence knocked when her boyfriend fell asleep during it?!  She was beyond insulted!! May be he was tired? Terrible sex etiquette (though very funny but only because it didn’t happen to me!).

It’s amazing what you learn from people just by talking to them about it!  I must admit I did get to the point where I was like this is too much information even for me!.

However I’d like to thank everyone for their feedback and experiences, it’s much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Threesomes, Rubberist & Multiple Relations, just another week in NoshWorld!

Hey

So another couple of weeks have flown by, this week’s highlights included accidentally walking in on one of the Directors in the toilets, in my defence he was the one who had forgotten to lock the door but I was the one who barged in full steam ahead!! Soooooo embarrassing, I suppose it could have been worse he could have been in the middle of his business and swung round in surprise?? What would you do in that situation? Say something like “oh my, your wife is a very lucky woman” and then turn around and run?.  

It didn’t help that I was volunteered to serve them drinks an hour later, believe me I kept my eyes averted at all times!

Else where in NoshWorld one of my ex’s sent me a text asking if I fancied a threesome??!, I text  back to tell him he couldn’t handle me, how on earth did he intend to handle two of us? Apart from anything else I’m pretty sure he wasn’t up for a 2 man and one woman combo, and not being funny but if it’s going to be 2 women then I don’t see why he should get to pick the other woman?. What if she’s not my type??? For the record I haven’t actually tried this and I’m pretty sure the reality wouldn’t be as much fun as the fantasy.

On the dating front the dating site has been pretty pants, and I’m not sure if paying for the service was such a good idea? Again I am partly to blame as I have been out and about having far too much fun to be sitting in front of the computer looking for Mr Right. So a change in attitude is probably required!

The only guy I had been chatting to started to get on my nerves because every time I’d log onto the site to retrieve emails he would send me a “wink” I’m assuming to let me know that he knew I was online? Not being funny but why don’t you just text me? You have my number? It made me feel quite uncomfortable like he was checking up on me?, if he’s this possessive now, imagine what he’d be like after a date????

I did get a really, really, reeeeeeeeeeally long email from a bloke, telling me all about himself and his entire life story, which though sweet just made me realise we had absolutely nothing in common and so there really was no point in corresponding with him, however at least he saved me time and effort by getting this across in a first email? I think you should keep an initial email short and sweet, give each other an opportunity to ask questions if interested.

I didn’t get any naked pics this week though I did get a message from a bloke who sounded ok until I got to the bit of his profile where he declared he was a Rubberist?? My first thought was WTF is a Rubberist? Am I expected to get my marigolds out during sex? My second thought was, what part of MY profile made him think I’d be into this? I decided it was probably best not to ask? Delete, delete, DELETE!.

Surely they have specific sites for these people?  Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind wearing a bit of leather but even I draw the line at rubber! Every one to their own I suppose! (Why me???)  Actually I’d love to wear a fat suit to bounce around in, you know like those sumo wrestler ones? Not during sex obviously just for fun, sorry I’m digressing.

Also I quite like to dress up in fancy dress (maid, police women, schoolgirl – you get the picture) though one of my besties was horrified that I was thinking of buying the Ann Summers “nun” outfit, this week, I was like “bless you my child” (sorry just couldn’t resist – even she had to giggle at that point) Let  me help you repent your sins! Hee hee. Apparently she likes to act out the character if she’s in an outfit whereas I just love wearing pretty outfits and the effects they have on the other half! In other words you won’t catch me with a duster in my hand just because I’m in a maid outfit? Though I may have handcuffs in the policewomen one! Moving swiftly on………

I’m working on a new theory when it comes to men, in that why bother? Why settle for one man, when you can have several men?  May be there really isn’t just one man out there for every woman? I have spent a fair bit of time (when not in a relationship) over the last couple of years trying to find Mr Right and to be honest I’m really not sure he exists? I know no one is perfect, perfection is not what I’m looking for, and I also do not have (despite popular belief) a huge check list. I just want to meet someone normal? Someone I can get a long with, who can be my friend as well as my partner.

I know many people in relationships I don’t know I blinked and was surrounded by couples but it doesn’t bother me, I am possibly the only singleton left in my huge circle of friends and family but I don’t feel like an outcast or different?  Nothing is taken away from my life because I don’t have a man in it.

I’m not alone, my friends always make time for me, I meet up with the girls/guys for  dinner or drinks or I go round to their houses to play with their babies and converse with them and their partners. 

I’m very independent, I work 2 jobs, and I have a mortgage, a car and a social lifestyle. I’m happy.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I don’t want a man, what I’m saying is that I don’t need one. So here within lies the problem, what man is worth all the effort to get involved with in the first place? What’s he going to bring into my life that I don’t have already?

I’ve been spending time talking to and analysing my relationships with the ex’s. All men have good and bad points, the less time you spend with them, the more they are on their “best behaviour” and the more they show their good side.

So how about you don’t get into a relationship with just one man?, why not have a few casual flings with a few of them? That way you get the best bits from all of them without any of the mundane boring stuff?

They are after all very, very different. Some are like Ferraris, fast and furious and very noisy, while others are like Limos, slower and quieter but still get you from A to O. (If you get my drift?)

I liked the man who would come home from work and come up to kiss me before heading off to the shower or doing anything else because it was important to him to acknowledge me and it made me feel special. The man who would always open doors for me, the man who would help clear the table and carry the dishes into the kitchen or the man who would send me a text to say goodnight when we were apart so I knew he was thinking of me. The man who would help me with the shopping when I was unloading the car, or give me a cuddle because of something I said. The man who’d say “wow” when I answered the door to him after spending ages getting ready for a night out. Obviously these were the actions of several different men, not just the one.

In past relationships there were many restrictions because of the people I got involved with. I dated the “extreme workaholic” so getting him to agree to do anything was difficult, I’ve dated the “author” who would always be too busy promoting his book to be able to spend Christmas week with me? (I LOVE Christmas!)

I’ve dated men who are too cheap to want to go out for a nice meal once in a while, or men who travel for work all over the country so aren’t easily available to do things on the spur of the moment. Men who couldn’t possible go away this weekend because the football/rugby/cricket/motor racing (delete as appropriate) is on.

Men who can’t go away EVER due to pet commitments? Really???? Ever heard of a kennel?? Oh yeah I forgot he was the one who was cheap too so may be not! Men who have no imagination and their idea of a good time is a Chinese takeaway and a movie? (like all the time). Boring. Men who didn’t drive, or men who drove but didn’t have a car so I always had to pick them up or drop them off so I couldn’t drink and relax.  Is it any wonder I’m still single????

So working on my new theory, if you could take advantage of the good points of the different men, you could get to do so much more with them then you could ever do with just one?

So you could have the one man who likes to go out for dinners and thrives on the conversation? (we can take it in turns to pay – I’m not a gold digger), Another man who due to work commitments travels a lot but you can go away for the odd romantic night or weekend in a hotel together?

A man who likes to travel abroad so you could have spontaneous weekends away for a city break to some European destination, or a couple of weeks in Cuba? Then where’s the harm?  I’m pretty sure the rule of 5 or 6 doesn’t apply here, I couldn’t cope with that many men, I’m thinking 3 may be the magic number here?.

I know what you’re going to say, it’s not as fulfilling as a proper committed relationship and you are probably right, it is nice to have the security that comes with a proper relationship. However in the mean time isn’t this what being single is all about?...........................

A New Dating site, Ex's and FWB's

Hey,

So another week has flown by? There have been some high points in NoshWorld. The highs – finding the perfect phone for me (It’s a Blackberry and I have it IN MY HANDS) – believe me the amount of hassle getting it was unbelievable, I’m very fussy and had my heart set on this one specific phone and nothing else would do (bit like how I am with men I suppose – always want what’s hard to get!) – v excited as it means I’ll have access to my blog and sites all the time – bring on the tweets!!. Just got to work out how to use it now!

I managed to change my hours at work so I can fit in an extra Body Combat class a week – how sad am I??? Feel fabulous for it though!

Found out this week that one of my besties is well loved up, I was beyond chuffed to learn she is following my 5 -6 date rule and is finding it very successful!  (My god some people actually listen to me??). May be I’ll become one of those people who can’t do but can teach? Did any one read about the lady “Love Doctor” in the paper this week? She’s 24 and makes a living by helping people seduce their ideal partner? Only she can’t find love herself? Her problem she says is she’s so caught up in the frill of the chase she doesn’t want the relationship at the end of it? I think that’s where our similarities end, I hate the whole chase bit (though I am getting better at it!) I’m happiest in a proper relationship (though it has been a while so things may have changed!). 

The low this week – was having to visit my brother in law in hospital after he suffered a “medium” heart attack. I asked him what “medium” meant and he smiled and said well any harder than that’ and it would have been bye bye. (Not funny!) Made me realise life really is too short (so I’d best find a man quick!!) He’s going to be alright by the way, I told him not to go anywhere.

Talking of men I recently made a decision that it was time to cut ties with the ex’s as its time to move on with my life.  This lasted approximately 2 days before I got serious withdrawal symptoms! (Ok lets be honest this lasted like an hour before I had palpitations!) I suppose when you’re single its reassuring to still have male company even if it is from an ex?.  May be I just seek the attention? (There’s nothing like the feeling when you see the little envelope on your phone to say you have a message – big sigh) Besides I tend to get on better with my ex’s when I’m not dating them probably because the fear of commitment is no longer there? (Their fear, not mine).

I then got onto thinking can you be friends with an ex or will sex always get in the way? If you get on well then where’s the harm? I think the harm comes into play when you’re not being honest about your motives and feelings. If you have a secret desire to get back together, to show them what they’re missing, then you’re playing with fire and you’re the only one who’s going to get burnt.

My pattern in the past has always been to keep my recent ex’s as a FWB (friend with benefits). Obviously this means they need to have been good in bed otherwise it defeats the whole object, also you need to be able to get along with them and enjoy their company?. After all he needs to come up for air at some point?!

There’s only 3 ex’s that fit into that category at present (I enjoy their company and find them interesting to talk to – not I want to get back together with them – Ex’s are ex’s for a reason and usually a very good one!). Out of them, one is too busy, ones abroad (and I’m kinda ready to move on from that one) and the last one is just not good for me.

Oh yes Steve is baaaaaack - remember him? He was the one who commented that Kelly Rowland looked chunky in her Commander video – in the tight red leather cat suit? Really??? Are you serious?? He’s also the one who commented on a picture of me in the countryside by asking how long ago it was taken because I looked massive in the picture???? He was like “don’t get me wrong, you look tiny on the sofa here and I know the camera adds like ten pounds!!” Cheeky git, it was taken the month before and it was winter time, I was wearing a fat jumper and a coat so yeah of cause I looked a bit bigger???? For the record whatever I lack in body I more than make up for in personality!!  (For those of you who don’t know me I’m a size 10-12 and he’s a wanker!). He’s funny and suggested may be third time would be lucky??? I’d say third time would make me a sadist - so that’s the end of that then – Eek! (I’m screwed – or not as the case may be?!)

So I joined a new website to find Mr Right – had to pay – not impressed (paid for one month and got one month free so not too bad), am hoping the quality of the blokes will be better because surely men who aren’t looking for a relationship won’t waste their money? So far met one bloke who after only being on the site for 3 days decided to date someone he already knew? I obviously have that influence on men???!

Am now chatting to another bloke but he does live quite far away so I don’t know if anything will come of it? Also got a couple of emails from men in their 50’s? No I’m not looking for a sugar daddy thank you very much.

I did have a really sweet bloke who sent me a message and after I responded told me he had only sent the message to “test the waters” and hadn’t seriously expected me to reply and that I had made his day? Lol (Awwww sweet). Not sure if he’s ginger? Described himself as having brown hair but I don’t trust that site (it’s the free one – oh yes I’m on more than one). Not heard from him for a couple of days so I probably boosted his confidence enough for him to go find someone else? Jeez!

There was the bloke who sent me an email saying “hi”  (original eh?) and because I didn’t respond straight away (needy or what?) sent me another one the next day to say “you’re probably not interested because I have kids” I was thinking, no I’m not interested because you’re ugly?  I decided not to respond, I always think if you have nothing nice to say its best not to say anything at all.

On the subject of kids, I wouldn’t rule out a man just because he’s a dad, I’m not that naive to think you can get to your mid thirties and still meet lots of people who didn’t have children.  I’m not particularly good with them though so I would be put off if they lived with him and or there were several of them (young ones).

There was the bloke from Kent who’s first words to me on the phone were “you realise I have kids?” I was like “what more than one?” (Trying to hide the panic in my voice!) He had three but they were all over 16 so not the end of the world (he was only in his 40’s so started young). I can live with that. Unfortunately for me the date didn’t go too well because I accidentally hooked up with an ex the night before and was shattered by the time I got to the date. (It was New Year and I was having a fabulous start to it!!) He later text me to say there was no chemistry? I’m not surprised I was comatose throughout most of the date!. (Will I ever learn???!)

So we shall see. It’s only been a few days, who knows what’s around the corner in the online dating world? Will keep you updated.

Thanks for reading.

The Etiquette of Breaking up

I was listening to my local radio station on the way into work last week and they were discussing the best ways to split up with someone based on some article. The first rule of breaking up was to start distancing yourself from your partner leading up to it, ie start seeing them less frequently and be less available so they kind of see it coming rather than carry on like nothing is wrong and then spring it on them.

Secondly they all agreed you should always do this in person – never, ever by text, email or phone (or post it note – sex & the city style!). I’m not 100% sure I agree with this statement, I think it depends on how long you have been dating.

I think if you’ve only met this person recently and you’ve only been on a couple of dates and are just not feeling it, an email or text is probably an acceptable method. Any more than that I think deserves a telephone call (as a bare minimum). Anything over 2 months I think should be done in person. I have a lot of respect for people who make the effort to do this face to face. It shows a level of maturity and respect for your partner. (I hope you’re reading this, you know who you are!).

Thirdly they said you must make it perfectly clear that you are dumping the person! I think what they means is that you should be firm that you have made a decision and are not just attention seeking, and that you genuinely do not want to date this person any more. One of the radio presenters was talking about how he dumped his girlfriend and 2 days later she called him like nothing had happened and asked him for a lift?! Lol! (He obviously wasn’t clear enough – or she was a psycho!)

The next stage is to give the person a reason why they are being dumped, the whole “its not you it’s me” line doesn’t work either!!  So what makes a good reason to split up with someone? Recently I was told “we don’t have enough in common?” Really? Do you really need lots in common to get along? Don’t opposites attract? Also didn’t you know this when you met me??! (In his defence he was probably right but it took me another try and a couple of months to work this out for myself!!)

Also how honest can you be? You’re thinking “you bore the sh1t out of me and I can’t bear another minute in your company??” but you say “I just don’t think this is going to work out, we want different things?” Then there’s the classic, “you deserve better than me?” Well that’s pretty obvious mate, what’s your point???.

A few of my favourites (one’s I’ve come across not used personally)

 “I’m not saying it’s you but I know its not me!”

“Life’s too short to make mistakes” (Amen to that!)

“You looked better when I was drunk?”.   

“You’re an investment with no return!” (ooooh LOVE that one!!).

 “I used to think size didn’t matter but in your case I have to make an exception!” (Bit cruel but sooo funny!)

Lastly one I can see myself using soon “I can’t meet your needs for the foreseeable future because working on my site and spending time with my friends is far more absorbing then conversing with you!.”  (Hee hee)

Moving swiftly on, so the last stage of dumping someone was to find a suitable place to do it.  Should you go to their place? invite them to yours? or meet in a public place? There are advantages and disadvantages to all 3 options. I think if you are doing the dumping and go to their place at least you can make a quick get away ie you can walk out, if however they are at your place it gets a bit more complex, as its bad enough you’re dumping them but then you have to ask them to leave?

A public place also has its downside (no chance of a quickie beforehand – I know I’m sorry but haven’t we all done this???!!) Do you know how the other person is likely to react?. If you think they might act violent towards you then perhaps this is a viable option, as may be they are less likely to do this with people around? Also are you prepared for a big scene in a public place if this is the way it goes down? I’m pretty sure if you’ve dated for a while you have a good idea on how the other person is going to take it and a decision can be made based on this. They didn’t cover the subject on whether you can stay friends with an ex, I have my opinions about that but that’s a whooooooole other blog!

So in conclusion, if you are going to dump someone, make sure it’s definitely what you want, decide a location, do it in person (preferably) be firm, give a reason if possible and hopefully walk away unscathed!

For the record I don’t think its classy making a scene regardless of how tempting it may be.  I think if someone doesn’t want to be with you then that’s their decision and you deserve better than to be with someone who isn’t 100% into you. (Hence why I’m still single! lol).

Thank you for reading.

What's the best method to meet someone?

I came across an interesting forum this week where a guy confessed to sleeping with 18 women over the last 2 years using the free dating site that I am on (I wasn’t one of them in case you were wondering). He achieved this by changing his user name and profile every 30 days and because he doesn’t have a photo on his profile he can stay pretty much anonymous (I don’t communicate with people without photos so this was probably my saving grace!) Also by changing his profile it looks like he is a new member and is therefore shown more predominantly on the site (a major flaw in the system I believe).

Anyway he went on to say if you’re looking for marriage you shouldn’t be on a free site?!! (Opinionated little twat) This got me to thinking whether he is to some extent right? I’m not saying I’m looking for marriage from a free dating site but a relationship would be a good start? I have been on this site for nearly 3 months now and even though I’ve been on a couple of dates, more than not I have met time wasters. The length of time I’ve been on is partly my fault because I can go for a week at a time and not bother to log in (its called having a life) May be if you dedicated an entire month to this you would yield better results?

Then again it only takes one good date to meet the right person? Also I consider myself as someone genuine on the site so I find it hard to believe there aren’t other people like me, you just have to get past all the liars, cheaters, commitment phobic and weirdo’s. At least when you do eventually meet a decent one you’ll be more grateful for meeting them then otherwise would be the case?

So here’s the dilemma, which is the best method to meet decent eligible bachelors/bachelorettes?? Traditionally the workplace is supposed to be a good place but I have a general rule not to get involved with work colleagues as I tend to like my jobs and don’t need the complication. (Besides the decent ones are all married!).

Same goes with my gym, it’s MY gym, I’ve been a member for years, I’m there all the time, I don’t want to have to change my routine just to avoid someone I got involved with.

They reckon the supermarket is a good place? I’m thinking more Waitrose (according to my work colleague they have the better cars!) than Asda? (Full of men who looking like they are from the living dead according to another friend!). Have to say talent in Tesco’s wasn’t bad tonight, shame I’d popped in straight from the gym with no make – up on! Still not 100% on which direction I’m meant to put my cucumber in my basket to announce I’m single?!

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That brings me back to online? In which case I need to try a few different dating sites to see which ones fair better (watch this space)

I’m also considering speed dating? You can have anything from 12 – 25 dates in one night, all lasting 3 minutes and ending with the sound of a bell – I’ve tried this in the past and believe me 3 minutes can be a very long time! I think the key here is to have a few random questions ready before the date so you don’t end up sitting there for 2 minutes talking about the weather or their job!

My most memorable experience was when I was in my 20’s and I went to an “Asian” only speed dater event. (Should have known better really) I had over 25 dates in one night, by the end of the night I had pretty much forgotten what any of the men had looked like (even though I had taken notes!) I ended up on a proper date with some bloke who I had corresponded with and who had sent me a link to his website which had a picture of him – turns out wasn’t an up to date one!! Gasp! (You live and you learn)

He turned out to be shorter than me! (Please bear in mind when speed dating that the women remain seated so it is difficult to appreciate the height of the man! Lol).

Was officially one of the worse dates ever, we agreed to meet in London, the tubes weren’t working so a 20 minute tube journey ended up as a hour bus ride from hell, we were all crammed on the bus like sardines, it was not the best start to the date.

When I finally got there he was obnoxious, rude, arrogant, and opinionated (wasn’t like that during the 3 minute speed date) I kept looking round helplessly for the bell to ring so I could move on! The journey to see him was 2 hours, I stayed less than an hour. We were in some empty wine bar (so much for him knowing the area well!) believe me had there been a window in the toilets I would have quite happily risked tearing my skirt while scrambling out of it!! (Classy)

I ended up making my excuses to bring the date to a close, we walked out together so I could get a bus to Victoria and so desperate to get away I got on the first bus that came a long without caring where it was heading, called goodbye over my shoulder and jumped on board. He just stood there flabbergasted at the speed of my exit!

I promptly called my friend to tell her I never wanted to date again and I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life. I told her how I’d jumped on any bus just to get away from the bloke (much to the amusement of a really cute bloke sitting a few seats away from me), he was sweet and as he got ready to disembark at the next stop he came over and said if I wanted to get to Victoria there would be a bus from the stop across the road shortly?

Spontaneous Nosh wanted to believe him and get off the bus with him and have a chat, who knows where it could have ended? However Sensible Nosh knew it was getting late, I didn’t know where I was and I decided knowing my luck he was a serial killer so I politely declined and got off at London Bridge and got the train home. To this day I still wonder what could have been! (Mind you, after this week’s episode of Crime watch I’m thinking I probably made the right decision – it’s a scary, scary world out there).

Like I say I’m now in my 30’s, I’m older, I’m wiser and my selection process is better so I’m going to try a few different methods over the next couple of months to see where I get! I know a man’s for life and not just for Christmas but wouldn’t it be lovely to wake up with one Christmas day??? (Best put it on my wish list for Santa)

Wish me luck! (I may need it) Will keep you updated! Thanks for reading.