The month of May - It’s all about the boobs and no sex allowed – bring on the holiday I say!

You know when you’re fast asleep and you’re semi consciously thinking isn’t it great that the alarm hasn’t gone off yet?. You open one eye just to see how much longer you can stay snuggled up in bed? Then realise that BUGGER you didn’t set the alarm last night and that you should have been up half an hour ago? Yeah that’s how my Saturday morning began.

By the time I’d showered and applied my make up in record breaking time I was feeling quite nauseas. I made my way downstairs for some breakfast, admittedly in my underwear (I don’t want to get my breakfast down my work clothes) I opened the blinds in the lounge to let in some light and am confronted by a workman!

My not so lovely neighbour (who I used to get along with really well until she became a psycho and screamed at me for asking her about the broken fence in our back garden) had finally got round to getting a new one put up, but as she blatantly isn’t talking to me, she didn’t bother to let me know. (A note would have sufficed?). Thanks to my quick reflexes I don’t think he saw me and would therefore not be scarred for life!  However from that moment, I knew it was gonna be “one of those days”.

The day included getting lost (bad directions) using keys that hated me (and wouldn’t unlock the doors!)  Having to show the rather fit client some houses (the one with the girlfriend) and lastly a client pulling up to a viewing in a car identical to mine – but clean!

I ended up doing an “open morning” in a rented house which is up for sale. The tenant has two kids and many, many, many toys. So I’m sat there on the sofa on my own in an empty house reading my emails on the blackberry while I wait for the clients to arrive. I’ve been there about ten minutes and out of nowhere a toy doll starts to make crying and screaming noises? Scared the living daylights out of me! I’m assuming its motion activated but I hadn’t moved and was sitting at the other end of the room? (Spooky) To make it worse I couldn’t shut the bloody thing up! I had to find it’s off button to stop it. My clients showed up soon after and thought it was hilarious! I didn’t! Needless to say I waited outside for the next lot to arrive!!

The day ended on a high though as I found my favourite wine on offer at my local shops, so naturally I emptied the shelf (you know in case I have any more days like this!)

So back to dating news let’s start where we left off, my date with Camberley guy was ok but there was no chemistry, actually there was no “anything”. To the extent that an hour or so in to the date we started to run out of things to talk about which is not a good sign – as you know I can talk for England.

I made the classic mistake of talking to too many men online before agreeing a date – I do this all the time and I never learn. The problem is that if you are corresponding with more than one man at one time there is the likelihood that you will mix up things that that they have told you.

Like a good girl I did my homework before the actual date to make sure I don’t make the ultimate faux pas.

I worked out on the day of the date that we had not covered his living arrangements.  So you can imagine my horror when it transpired that he lived with his grandparents? Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that financially he was making an astute decision. When he broke up with his ex he needed to find somewhere to live and his mum suggested his grand parents, he assured me their house is big enough and he is saving up for a deposit for his own property.

However he had been there 2 years now, call me selfish but even though I love my family with all my heart I could not live with them on a permanent basis. I also can not imagine having a shag while nanny and granddad are sleeping in the room next door???? I just can’t do it! I’m sorry.

Like I said we ran out of things to talk about and when you’re mind starts to wonder if you can get this date wrapped up in the next twenty minutes whether there may be time to do a quick detour to see the FWB on your way home? Well, then you know he’s not the one! (No I didn’t actually do it, I was just thinking about it!).

He sent me a really sweet text the next day to say (and I quote) “Thank you for making me realise that not everyone on the dating site are weirdo’s and that there are normal decent and attractive women on there”. Aaaaaaw normal? Me? If only you knew! Lol!

So moving on what else has been happening in NoshWorld? Well preparations for my holiday are in full swing, I spent 4 hours traipsing around the town centre trying to find a bikini to fit me, unfortunately halter neck bikini’s are “in” this season but they aren’t really designed for the “fuller busted” lady and besides they give me neck ache. So by hour four I was delighted to find a bikini that did fit.

The fact that it has gel padding and gives me what can only be described as an instant boob job didn’t put me off! So what if on holiday my boobs will enter the room a full 30 seconds before I do? Lol! On the plus side the bikini top may help me stay afloat in the swimming pool? Or have the opposite effect and pull me under? (It is surprisingly heavy!) Either way I don’t care, it fit and I bought it!

Talking of boobs I got my Osteopath in to a bit of a fluster last week. My shoulder blade was causing me discomfort so I decided I needed it treated and just to be sure I managed to trip and twist my ankle in my “body attack” class half an hour before the appointment (I like to get my money’s worth!). So I show up in a short skirt and a vest top (if the skirt is short enough you don’t have to strip to your underwear), I’d managed to ladder my tights on the way to my appointment so when I got there I took them off and put them in his bin.

As I’m quite comfortable in his company I asked him if it was alright to take my bra off as I wanted a deep tissue massage on my upper back and the bra is just too constraining, he was like “you don’t have to ask my permission to take your bra off”. Cheeky git but he did make me giggle. After a few minutes he was like “I think I’d better empty the bin after you leave because the tights look really dodgy?” I suppose he was right, it did look really suspicious especially as I had my hair in a loose bun and it was all dishevelled by the time the treatment was done!

Afterwards I paid and left, halfway out of the leisure centre it dawned on me that something didn’t feel right? In horror I touch my boobs and realise I’ve forgotten to put my bra back on, if that isn’t bad enough I’ve actually left my bra in his office????

Never mind the tights looking dodgy, try explaining the bra to the cleaner! Lol. I couldn’t remember which treatment room we had been in and as all the doors were shut I had to knock and wait patiently, he took his time, it turned out he was semi undressed as he was getting changed to go home!

I was like “it would help if I took my bra with me?” He was like “you left your bra here?????!!”  I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in ages, people must have thought I was demented, walking back to my car, with messed up hair, giggling to myself with my bra in clear view in my handbag (couldn’t get the bag shut). It could only happen to me!

Moving swiftly on back to the dating - it has been a bit slow on the dating front as I’ve kind of let my work and my social life take over temporarily - Gasp. I had the man with all the tattoos (like all over his body) contact me but all I could think was “you’re no Michael Schofield mate!” (aka Wentworth Miller – I still love you).

There was the guy who at first glance declares himself to be “40” but further on in his profile confesses that he is 45 but the website won’t let him change it? Really?  45? Really?  Looked more in your fifties mate! Sorry next.

Oooh I did get another email from “the guy with the 3 questions” (from the last blog) and it was a really good first email, unfortunately I know that’s all he’s good for so I didn’t bother responding!

The guy who had been on “Dinner date” so can cook? Shame as he really wasn’t my type!

Though I have to confess I have just started corresponding with a very hot policeman – very , very hot policeman! Tiny bit younger than me but with abs like that I’m willing to overlook the “age” thing! Hee Hee.

There’s also the personal trainer who wants a woman “that will not give up her life just because she met someone, but she will add me to her life and I will do the same”. Sounds perfect doesn’t he? Well you never know, believe me I will be talking to this one soon!

There was also the very successful writer who I’m still thinking about but he seems to have a very busy life and I’m not sure how it would work but we shall see. Watch this space! (May be it hasn’t been as slow as I thought!)

In the mean time “Operation Turkey” is full steam ahead from now on so I’m afraid he man hunt will just have to wait until I get back. If I don’t sort out a date with the policeman/PT/Writer I’m considering a speed dating event in London soon, hopefully with a male friend if he’s up for it so will keep you posted.

On a more personal note I’m abstaining from sex too! Gasp! Not through choice I might add but because I had Cryotherapy treatment for abnormal cells on my cervix and am not allowed “sexual relations” for 4 weeks???! Like seriously??? I didn’t dare ask the doctor if the “Rabbit” classed as “sexual relations” Lol!

What made me giggle was that I was given a choice of three treatments (with about 5 minutes to make a decision because I didn’t realise I was going to have the treatment the same day) I picked the one that said I could continue with my exercise regime?! Apparently I can give up sex but I can’t give up Body Combat???! Lol!  My addiction has reached new heights! Besides a month before my holiday is not a time to stop exercising!

You know when you’re told you’re not allowed to do something (even if it is for medical reasons) its all you can think about? Every TV channel or radio station you turn on, they’re talking about, initiating it or actually doing it! I park my car in the public car park at work and the only space free is number 69? Even the car park is taunting me!  My main concern is this 4 week deprivation ends just as I fly out on holiday? Great I’ll be randy as hell in a foreign country – god help us all!

On a more serious note I’m a great believer in preventative treatment and I think both sexes need regular checks on their “man” and “lady” parts, so if you’re reading this (and hopefully having a giggle) and realise you’ve not been “checked” for a while or have been putting off your check up because you’re “busy” please bear in mind nothing is as important as your health and dead puts a sharp end to busy! Lecture over.

I remember reading an article about a lady who wasn’t diagnosed in time and had cervical cancer which though treated successfully left her unable to have sex ever again – can you imagine? That article scarred me for life! She was however looking for love and it hadn’t put her off finding the right man. (Bet she finds one before I do!)

This month has seen a few people I know being diagnosed with cancer including my Aunt being diagnosed only this weekend. It seems to be everywhere at the moment. With that in mind I’m going to be cheeky and remind you that I’m running the race for life again this year in 4 weeks time (OMG) and want to raise as much money as I can for cancer research so if you haven’t sponsored me already and want to do so please use the link below. (See how I did that???? I managed to get this into a blog?!!Hee hee – it is for a good cause)  

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/noshabaRmalik

Remember it will be extra hard for me this year as I’ll be lugging around a few extra pounds as I’m intending to stuff my face on holiday (it is all inclusive!) Yeah, yeah I can see the sympathy subsiding sharply!  So on that note I bid you farewell, until next time.

Thank you for reading!

Is it ever ok to overestimate a person’s age? Can a “Confidence Dating Workshop” turn you into a Fussy B1tch and are there any normal, single men left out there?

Well it’s my one year anniversary of being single and to celebrate I decided to attend a “Confidence Dating workshop” run by a dating site based in Kent.

It was held in a hotel in Maidstone and I have to say I was feeling quite confident until I couldn’t find the turning into the hotel and ended up missing it completely and going down to the next junction and back. (Thank god for my sat nav!) To make matters worse once I arrived I had no idea where to go (there had been no instructions), my enquiry at the reception desk was fruitless, (I was welcome to attend Slimming World? Yeah thanks for that option – bitch!).

I panic dialled the dating site and was told to head to the bar and look out for a 6 foot blonde woman called Julie! Fantastic! So it’s not embarrassing enough that the bar staff know that I’m single (because I had to ask them if the lady from the dating site had arrived), I’m now sitting in the middle of a hotel bar, on my own, holding a glass of wine. If this doesn’t scream “I’m desperate” I really don’t know what does.  

To make matters worse I’m then approached by a tall brunette who asks me if “I’m waiting for any one?” Like seriously? Are you hitting on me? Praying that she is the organiser and stopping myself from saying something stupid like “I think I’m waiting for you” I smiled politely and said “Are you Julie?” To my relief she was, so I followed her to the other side of the bar to meet the others………………………all TWO of them! (Turns out they can’t guarantee the number of attendees, some months they have in excess of ten and sometimes just the three of us).

So a bit about the host, she was 42, slim build, smartly dressed, 6 foot brunette, she’s been married and divorced and has found love (not sure if this was online). She’s trained as a “life coach” and runs several different workshops for the dating site though she is “self employed”.  She runs workshops on how to dress, how to colour co-ordinate outfits to suit your body??  She can even (at a substantial cost) give you a complete make over and you can have professional photos taken for your profile.

Personally I’ve never understood the point in putting “professional” pictures on a dating site? It’s not how you look 9 to 5? Hell it’s not how you look ever? Also I understand you want to look your best to attract the opposite sex but what’s the point if the pic is so much different to the reality? (And it always is). Why set such a high bar when you can rarely live up to the standard? Do you really want to make that much effort before every date?

Anyway she’s there to answer any dating questions and to try to encourage people back onto the dating scene. I have to say I was quite sceptical but also curious so I went in with an open mind, not knowing what to expect. Also I was considering may be doing something similar in the future? (i.e. running workshops).

So armed with a glass of wine I sat through an hour and a half discussion trying to establish where I’ve been going wrong so far, in my quest to find Mr Right. 

Like I said there was three of us, me, a lady in her early Forties who declared she had been married for ten years but bored shitless for over 6! Really? You spent 6 years bored? Imagine how he felt? She then went on to say she had just been on a couple of dates with a man but felt a bit threatened by him (in that she thought he may become violent) so decided to dump him. She then proceeded to ask the life coach if she had made the right decision ???. Erm (let me think about this) No? why don’t you see him again and see if you’re hunch was right? With any luck he may knock some sense into you? For the love of god, of cause you made the right decision! Always go with your gut instinct, it’s what we women are renowned for!

The other participant was a man in his late fifties was explaining how dating sites weren’t working for him and how he had sent 40 “winks” in one night without a single response. The life coach’s response was ”well what does that show you? It shows you women don’t respond to winks” In other words put some effort in! Doh!

Because there were so few of us there I had a better opportunity to get involved with the discussion which I found beneficial. So the basic advice I was given was to go for someone sporty because men who participate in regular sport are more motivated and have drive. They are also more independent as they have their own interests. (and fit! Hee hee).

She said because I work so hard I need someone with a similar work ethic. She also said I needed to be more selective (fussy for a better word!) and to use more “quality” dating sites in order to find the right man. She said if I wanted a man who reads “The Sun” (then I should stay with a free site) but if I wanted a man who reads the “Financial Times” (switch to an expensive one). To be honest I’d quite like a man in the middle if at all possible? I’ve also tried both types of sites and found that I was wasting my money and no better off?

Lastly she re-alliterated that it is a numbers game and that a suitable man is out there but more effort needs to be put in to find him. She couldn’t see a reason why I wouldn’t find one.

So I walked away feeling like I’d been to a counselling session – group therapy for the single person. It helped me to refocus on what it is that I am looking for and therefore found it an enlightening experience that I would recommend.

Most importantly I learnt that I have no interest in becoming a life coach or running dating workshops, I don’t have the patience to deal with some of these people. It’s just not for me, I also learnt that there are some very vulnerable people out there.

Amazingly once I’d become refocused there seemed to be men everywhere! Walking down the street were hot men, workmen at the gym – hot! Even the new guy at work – very hot! Lol. I had to do a double take when he came into the office (I’d been off on his first day so had missed all the introductions). My boss never hires hot men? It just not what we do!

I have to quickly point out there is one thing that really annoys me about working in an office and being single because the minute someone new starts, the race is on to see if they are single and if they can be set up with any other singleton in the office (bear in mind this set up is always initiated by the "married" people - probably because they are so happy in a couple they can't bear you not to be!) It’s a bit like saying well if you’re both single or both gay you must fancy each other? It’s the same with Asian men and women?  You make a nice couple? Really? You sure it’s not just because we’re both brown???? For the record he wasn’t Asian.

We ended up going for drinks after work where I was probably dealt one of the worst insults I’ve ever heard! We’d been discussing ages (I didn’t start this conversation) we had established that out of the two new men at work one was 38 and one was 40, however I was not expecting to be judged at 42????!!! Never been so insulted in my life!

I couldn’t work out if he was being genuine and just not good at telling ages (It didn’t help that I was feeling a bit fat and frumpy anyway!) or whether he was being nasty to knock me down a peg or two, which kind of upset me?  In his defence he couldn’t apologise enough and I did take the mega piss out of him for ages! Lol! I text several of my friends who were outraged!! Lol! You can go off a man you know??!

So the following night, my confidence in tatters (not really) I hit the town with Bestie for her birthday – actually we hit a few bottles of champagne first (and some chocolate cake to soak up some of the alcohol) then we hit the town. First time in ten years I got refused entry into a club for not having ID! Unbelievable! 

Turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we ended up in JJ Whispers, I have to admit I’m a JJ virgin and I was shocked at the level of talent in there  - yes I know in Crawley – seriously?! (It is popular with the men in my gym) Off the top of my head there were at least 5 hot men in the 2 hours that we spent strutting our stuff on the dance floor (before the club shut).

To put this into perspective on an average night out I’m more than likely going to find one man attractive if any?! I made eye contact with a stunning bloke, nicely dressed, clean shaven with gorgeous eyes who was making his way towards me, in the back of my mind I’m thinking I recognise this guy but no idea where from. He came over and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek and said “well if it isn’t my favourite estate agent” I was like “bugger” I do know him and he has a girlfriend!!  Life is soooo unfair! Lol!

Back to the online dating, armed with a new sense of purpose being told it’s a numbers game and statistically 1 in 5 relationships now start online. I’ve been clocking up some serious numbers!  Unfortunately not the type of men you want to spend your life with! (Well not for me anyway).

There was the guy whose profile sounded ok until I got to the bit about his biggest ambition in life? His biggest ambition in life…………………………………….wait for it……………..is to be on “Come Dine with me”.  Like seriously? Are you frikking kidding me???? That is your ambition in life? Not to be successful, or happy or content with life or to meet the right person? Nope you want to be on a TV show! Good Luck with that!

Then there was the guy who’s opening email was that he had 3 questions for me to which I responded “well come on don’t keep a girl in suspense” (Good response I thought??)  Unfortunately the opening line was as good as it got, by the third question I’d totally lost interest! Lol! I suppose in fairness to him he never said he had 3 interesting questions to ask me?

There was the guy who had the pigeons (35 to be precise) and liked to go for a drive in the evening? WTF am I gonna do with 35 pigeons and you like to go for a drive in the evening??????? Unless you drive a Lamborghini and want to take it out for the buzz I totally don't get it.

Then there’s people with a few pictures and you’re never sure which picture they actually look like because you don’t know how long ago they were taken. This one guy had two pictures (out of about 7) where I thought he looked ok but were blatantly taken on holiday, when I read his profile he said he hadn’t been away for a really long time? So I didn’t know how old they were. I’ll never know now.

There was the guy with long hair – greasy to boot and a big nose – god even I admit I’m getting fussy now!

The guy that said “If love was a colour you would be my rainbow” What a wanker, I’m sorry?? Really not my type! Lol!

The guy who said he wanted to buy me things and spoil me? I emailed him back to say you realise you can’t buy love? I don’t think he understood – which is a shame because I quite liked his picture.

Then there was the guy that sent me a long poem type email (I should have deleted and moved on), I didn’t I emailed him back and asked him to send me a normal email rather than a generic one that told me nothing about himself! (Only because he lived within a 20 mile radius and looked ok)

He did (kudos to you him).  We exchanged a few emails, then he told me he had tried a body combat class and it wasn’t for him (fair enough)  and that he was glad I wasn’t looking for a man who’s a “gym bunny” because even though he hasn’t rejoined the gym yet, when he does he doesn’t intend to go often? WTF? What is the point in joining a gym if you don’t intend to go?  All that shows me is that you’re not very motivated and you give up on things easily?  I totally lost interest but I did respond saying that I definitely don’t care if a man is into the gym or not as long as he takes care of himself and stays in shape, the means is not important as everyone is different.  That’s the last I heard from him! Lol (Kind of what I was aiming for! Hee hee).

Lastly there was the guy in the army who’s attitude totally sucked, I understand that may be you’ve had a bad experience from the free dating site or met some bitchy women but surely if you can face a war in Afghanistan you can handle a few harsh women? We are not all the same, his lack of self esteem was putting me off a bit and when I told him that I thought the distance may be a problem he told me not to be so narrow minded. Yeah alright, I don’t let men talk to me like that.  Next!

Are there any normal men left? Like seriously or are they all totally in the head?  I’m a bit concerned that the dating workshop has turned me into a total bitch! Is that possible? Or do I just know what I want and I’m not willing to settle for any less? Should you settle?

Any way the month ended on a better note, turns out my new work colleague is gay and therefore totally unaware of women’s ages! (Is it wrong that I think its ok for a man to mistake me for a 42 year old as long as he’s gay?!)  Just as well really because I was finding it really hard to concentrate at work! Lol! He’s actually a really nice bloke.  What a waste!

I’ve also booked my holiday I’m going back to Turkey (though a different part of it) I’m counting down to all that sunbathing and wine on tap, am desperately trying to lose a few pounds so I can eat as much as I like when I get there (it is all inclusive!). Can not wait!

Lastly by golly I have a date! As Paddy would say “Single man reveal yourself”! He’s a non smoking, 37 year old from Camberley, Athletic build, and he’s a car mechanic! (Hooray for Herbie) and he’s a fan of “Criminal Minds” and CSI (Hooray for me!)

Wish me luck! As always will keep you updated and thank you for reading