August was the first full month where I joined the rest of civilisation,
working a five day week and having the weekends all to myself. I filled these
with seeing as many of my friends and family as possible.
I joined Cineworld and watched several new releases
including Magic Mike – OMG Channing Tatum – what a hotty, why haven’t I noticed
him before??! Bumping n grinding on stage to a very hot RnB track (‘96
classic - Genuwine’s “Pony”) while stripping off his clothes to reveal a
rippling muscled torso – makes me blush just thinking about it! There’s just
something very sexy about a man who can dance like that (the stripping
is just a bonus!) Low on storyline but high on thrills, would thoroughly recommend
this to all the ladies (and the men into that sort of thing!).
I also watched Ted (very politically incorrect but very,
very funny besides I’m a girl and I love teddies!), The Keith Lemon story
(wrong on soooo many levels). I wasted 2 hours of my life watching the new
Bourne movie - don’t bother – it’s the worst Bourne movie ever, (this coming
from a huge fan) besides what’s the point of a Bourne movie without Jason
Bourne aka Matt Damon???!. I’m pleading with the Directors to stop now before you
ruin one of the best trilogies of all time.
Lastly for the first time in ten years I watched the latest
Bollywood movie (Ek tha Tiger starring Salman Khan) I was surprisingly impressed
with how far they have come, it was very Mr & Mrs Smith style, plenty of
action and drama with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure and they
didn’t burst into song every five minutes either. (They saved that for the
rolling credits).
I plan on seeing many more this month - Let’s just say I
like to get my money’s worth!
From the big screen, to the wonderful world of erotic
fiction. I spent a month getting into EL James’ Fifty shades trilogy – I’m on
the third one now and have slowed down a bit as I know it will all end soon and
I’m just not ready to end my love affair with Christian Grey. What is it about
this man? It could be his chiselled features or amazingly fit body? Or perhaps
the Quadrillion pounds he has in the bank? Equally I love the way he wants to
protect the woman he loves and will do anything for her, to keep her safe.
He does however have certain characteristics that turn me
off - I don’t like the whole control freak situations and there have been times
in the book where he really does over step the mark but in all honesty some of
the mistakes he makes are no different to all men? They just think differently
to women and don’t always appreciate what is classed as inappropriate? For
example buying your girlfriend the same car you used to buy all your subs? (Even
if it is an Audi!) And taking your girlfriend to one of the salons that you own
but are run by your ex and even worse bumping into her there???!! (Even if she
is a business partner?) MEN – will they ever understand???!
I’m also not sure about the ginger hair thing? In my
imagination he has dark hair and blue eyes – that’s the beauty of books – you
can change whatever you want to suit your own fantasy.
Despite all the hype about the BDSM etc in this book (which
in reality it barely touches on) for me it is more about the romance, the whole
exchange of flirty emails and the sexual adventures – the fact that they have
no limits as money is no object and they
can for fill their fantasies to their hearts desire. What frightened me were
the similarities between him and one of my ex’s – not the controlling or
S&M bit I hasten to add, (or the unlimited funds – I wish!). But more of
the general demeanour of a damaged man and the constant struggle to understand
him and to try to bring some normality to his life.
I have finally figured out what my type of man is – it turns
out its 50 shades of F*cked up – go figure! So that’s why I’m single? I
have terrible taste in men! (Shrugging of shoulders) Who knew?!!.
My mate (male) asked me what I thought of the book as he
works in an office full of women who have read it and he actually recommended
it to me! – I was like “He drives an Audi R8” His response was “gotcha” (He knows
me well enough to know he had me at Audi - lol).
Moving on from the world of books and onto the small screen
- thanks to Bestie I’ve also spent a week watching the full four series of
Belle De Jour’s secret Diary of a London Call Girl. I read the book last year
while on holiday and even though the series was slightly tame compared to the
detail in the book it was still highly entertaining. So many men and so many
sexual desires! There was the man who liked to dress up as a baby – in a nappy
with his dummy and throwing all his toys out of the pram!. There was the guy
pretending to be a virgin but was secretly gay but wanted to make sure he was???!.
The guy who liked to masturbate with food???! (Think
American Pie and you’ll get the idea!). The best part of that scenario was the
huge food fight they got to have – now that is definitely on my bucket list!
(Just to clarify a huge food fight not playing with the food!)
There was the man whose fantasy was to shag farm animals and
got Belle to moo and bleat during sex! Lol! (I was wetting myself at that one).
There was the guy who arrived for his date in a coffin dressed as Dracula but
unfortunately died in his sleep (still in the coffin!!). OMG!! How on earth do
you explain that to the hotel???.
I remember the time I was dating the Author and we checked
into this posh hotel and he decided to take a bath before bed. As we were both
so tired I was petrified I’d fall asleep in bed and find that he had fallen
asleep in the bath and drowned. (Which was my worst nightmare), this was a man
who had the potential to go somewhere in life and I’d be held responsible for
ruining his future, or worse still accused of killing him! I didn’t fancy going
to jail. So I did what any girlfriend in that situation would do, I went and
sat in the bathroom and talked to him! (He must have thought I was really
clingy but I just couldn’t take the risk!).
Back to Belle, bearing in mind this book is based loosely on
a true story it does make you wonder what secret fantasies the man you are in
bed with really has?. How well do you really know him? I’m all up for role play
but I draw the line at farm animals!! Lol!
Belle’s life is complex obviously her work interferes with
her personal life but you know what? There are advantages, the lifestyle –
private jets, posh hotels, the money, the clothes, it’s not all bad. Besides
isn’t every one’s personal life complex?
Moving onto personal lives – not much to report here I’m
afraid as August was another first. For the first time in ages I am not on any
dating sites actively seeking a man. It’s not because I’ve met Mr Right, it’s
because I don’t think he exists and I’m ready to give up on the whole scenario
– gasp! (Give it a few weeks and I’ll have changed my mind about that no
doubt!).
I’m sick of meeting randomly fucked up 30 something’s who
can’t work out what they want from their life or can’t be honest about it?. I
find the whole thing quite exhausting, I’m tired of trying to “help” them or
“look after” them. The time has come to
look after myself. So I’m sorry but you will have to hold off buying your hat
for the time being! Lol!
So what else have I been up to? Well I went to the Notting
Hill Carnival for the first time this year, we had a blast watching the processions,
I got some fantastic photos and thankfully the weather turned out lovely. I
loved the random street parties being held all over the place with different genre
of music, I particularly enjoyed trying to get through the crowd of people
dancing to garage in the middle of the street, even stopping to join in, I sooooo
wish I’d got to do that for longer though!.
I didn’t enjoy the 2 hours it took to get from Notting Hill
back to Victoria Station predominantly due to the lack of information available
from the police as to what streets and stations were closed off. You could see how easily this could end badly
as peoples frustrations grew. Overall it was a good experience and I was
absolutely exhausted and in bed by 9. Lol!
Elsewhere in NoshWorld I’ve decided to up the anti with my
exercise regime as I can’t seem to be able to shift any weight and it’s
starting to get me down. As you know I’m totally addicted to Les Mills Body
Combat and am attending 3 to 4 classes a week. This week I decided to try some
new classes (August being a month of firsts and all that). I’ve done a couple
of Body Balance classes which I’ve quite enjoyed so I might add them to my
weekly routine. It’s a mixture of stretching exercises which looks a lot easier
than it is, it uses the disciplines of yoga, Pilates and tai chi and I think it
balances out the stresses of combat.
I also tried Vinyassa yoga last week which I enjoyed for all
the wrong reasons! I managed to talk my Body Combat buddy Charlie to come with
me as I didn’t want to do it on my own, I’m not sure if this was a mistake or
not but I had such a laugh. He’s so bloody competitive and this class was a bit
more advanced than we thought it would be especially for first timers like us.
I’m sensible enough to know what positions I can manipulate my
body into and which ones I can’t. I know where my strengths lie, (I can’t
balance on one arm with my body in the air or swing my legs all the way back
over my head to touch the floor!) Not Charlie though, oh no he’ll try anything!
All I heard was this massive thud as he
lost his positioning and landed in a heap, I absolutely wet myself laughing, I
then got the giggles and just couldn’t bring myself (or my breathing) under
control for most of the class. (A major sin in Yoga which is all about the
breathing!) Tutt Tutt.
As luck would have it, it turned out that this was the last
class that they would be doing as the new timetable comes into effect next week
and the class has been cancelled (probably because it’s on so late at night). Which
isn’t a problem as I’m not sure that this type of yoga was for me. (Or for
Charlie for that matter).
He’s agreed to do Body Balance with me now in exchange for
me doing Body Pump with him (exercise with weights). I’m also dying to try out
the new CXWORKS class. At this rate I won’t have time to find a man as I’ll be
in the gym so damn much – hey but hopefully I’ll manage to shift some of this
stubborn weight? Will let you know how I get on with that one!.
Another first in August was sacking the FWB (no pun
intended) He was becoming a bit of a liability and stressful to handle. I would
never know what mood he would be in, “flirty FWB”, “moody FWB”, or even worse “Anti
women FWB”. (Christian Grey eat your heart out!). The problem here is that as
an FWB you have no rights to be anything but “Fun FWB” – that is the whole
point? (Well that and the sex obviously).
We are not in a relationship??? Why am I putting up with
relationship crap from this bloke?? Does he not get it? Obviously not.
The other problem was that I can not have an FWB who is
going to get in a mood because of something I’ve said or done (or just cos he’s
a twat) and decide not to have sex with me or worse still hold sex as a ransom
until he gets what he wants?
To me this is unprecedented behaviour? May be I separate sex
from the rest of the relationship because even during the 7 years with my ex,
we would quite often stop mid blazing row for a shag and resume the argument
after? Isn’t that normal? Lol.
Any way we had a huge row a few months back as he got
annoyed because I refused to be filmed during sex, in his mind I had issues
with my body but the truth be known its wasn’t my body I wasn’t comfortable
with, it was the situation, his attitude and being told what to do! I’m not a
prude and don’t like to be accused of being one, I do what I want, when I want
with whom I want and I don’t need to be forced or bullied into anything.
I think that was the first time he got to experience “Angry
Nosh” (She doesn’t come out often and never in a FWB situation). In fact I’m
not sure he’s ever had a woman answer him back or confront him? It was quite
comical in the end as he realised there was a real danger that I would walk out
of the door and not come back and in all fairness, I don’t think he wanted
that.
I didn’t see him again for a couple of months after that just
so he knew not to be a twat next time. (Men they will learn the hard way).
Here’s another idea I got from EL James, may be we should
draft a contract with an FWB? That way we can both establish exactly what is
expected from the “relationship” so there are no “Grey” areas (hee hee!).
Firstly – presentation is everything, you do not show up at
my house in tracksuit bottoms – never, ever in a million years. If you do, I
have the right to slam the door in your face (even if you did travel miles to
get here – is that harsh?? Lol!). In his defence he only ever did this the one
time, early on a Sunday morning so I let him off!
Secondly you have to be clean shaven, I don’t care that you
normally only shave once a week, make it the day you’re coming to see me as
stubble rash is not attractive for any girl. Besides you can hardly complain
when you only have to do your face? We girls get the worst deal here. It does
go both ways I wouldn’t dream of showing up for a “FWB date” without make up,
bushy, frizzy hair and stubbly legs – like I said it’s all about presentation.
Thirdly (and this one can become quite important as time
goes on) – the money issue. If you are meeting up at each others places that’s
fine but as my FWB’s are from out of town there is always a cost involved,
petrol, dinner or hotel costs. I don’t mind taking it in turns or going halves
but there are times when you have to take each others earnings into
consideration. If you are earning twice as much as me and you want to go away
for a weekend, then I’m willing to pay towards the cost but I realistically
can’t afford to always pay half. So in
this situation we either decide not to go, or we go and you don’t hold it
against me as this will only build resentment from both sides.
Also we have to negotiate on how often seeing each other is
appropriate, once or twice a month I would say is probably the norm, once a
week is unacceptable as you are stepping into relationship boundaries.
I’m not saying you can only see each other on set dates
because that would ruin the whole spontaneity of the experience, I’m just
saying you need to be upfront about your expectations from the start to avoid
conflict later. Besides if you’re seeing your FWB every week, when are you
allowing time for someone fabulous and truly deserving of you to enter your
life?
That brings me on to the next point, if either of you meet
someone else to date than the FWB must back off immediately, until such time
you both find yourselves single again and wish to resume where you left off. I
have no interest in shagging someone who is in a relationship.
So with a contract all the issues can be avoided early especially
if he is a FWB Virgin. (Which in this case he was). He doesn’t know what to
expect, he probably thinks all his birthdays have all come at once, this woman
will shag him with no strings attached? Too good to be true right? Wrong.
However there are some strings just not the commitment type. You have to be
happy, go lucky and up for a laugh, you can’t bring your every day boring work
experiences to the bedroom, you leave them at the door and pick them up on your
way out.
It goes without saying that you have to be good in bed and I
can’t believe I’m gonna say this but its true, size really doesn’t matter. This
particular FWB was huge, its just a shame he didn’t really know what to do with
it! (Meow) Certain things can be taught
but you have to want to make an effort?. I think sex should be fun, not
controlled or predetermined. Save the lazy sex for your relationships (if you
can get one mate).
As a male friend told me recently, for a man to turn down an
offer of sex on a plate (hotel included or not) is very difficult, he did this
because the lady in question was attached. I was like I wouldn’t know, no one
has ever turned me down! Please remind me never to proposition him though, as
I’d hate him to be the first! Lol!
I know I don’t do the whole FWB thing correctly, probably
because I’m not the kind of girl that could literally show up for sex and leave
straight after, if that’s what you’re looking for then someone like Belle is
probably more up your street. Remember I’m not being paid for sex, it’s a
mutual benefit that has to be worth your while.
I’m more into the “girlfriend for the weekend” type, which
is usually why all my FWB’s have been ex’s. The relationship may not have
survived but the sex was too good to give up.
I really enjoy spending time with them, doing stuff as couples like
walking hand in hand by the river and stopping for some lunch in a country pub.
I like their company too, in a funny way I usually get on so much better with
them when I’m not dating them? Go figure!
Unfortunately I’m starting to run out of ex’s – gasp! I
suppose that’s a sign that I really should get a move on and find a new man – a
boyfriend – double gasp, but I was having sooo much fun??? Is that so wrong? I
will keep you updated.
Thank you for reading.
